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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have an informal chat to mil before she looks after my DC

93 replies

Ohsotired123 · 13/04/2016 15:40

My mil will be looking after DC for a day a week when I go back to work. There have been issues in the past with her not respecting my wishes regarding food. I.e her wanting to feed my DD chocolate when she was just 8 weeks old and then going on and on about it for months until we eventually came to a blaze over Christmas. You may remember my post. It was a little unbelievable how she acted. Since then she's mentioned it a few times, I.e asked if we have given her chocolate yet when she was 6 months and again at 7 months and she asked If she will she be having Easter eggs. I told her as she's 8 months I didn't want her having Easter eggs, but SIL went and bought her one. I know mil would've told sil didn't want her to have one as they speak daily, sometime twice a day and they tell each other everything. Anyway I ate it and no issue was brought up by me. .

Just recently my DD wouldn't eat toast when I offered it as a finger food, I tried everything on it to get her to eat but she wasn't interested any of the times I gave it to her. Mil said I should try putting Nutella on it and I ignored her and didn't respond.

But As it's nearly time to go back to work I want to make clear that I don't want my daughter having chocolate or chocolate spread sandwiches or anything chocolate related until I say it's ok for her to have it. Which will probably be in a few months but right now I'm still establishing a healthy diet with healthy foods. Mil used to give her kids a bowl full.l of sweets and chocolate after EVERY bath time. Her kids are the Worst eaters I know, they don't eat any veg or fruit, and SIL is seriously obese. I've told my dp that before the arrangement starts we should speak to mil about it and make it clear, but my worry is it's going to come off a little strict and like I've got all these rules etc. But every parent has boundaries right?

OP posts:

pearlylum · 13/04/2016 17:41

"I have no choice in leaving her with her. Not because of finances but because my dp will not allow my mum to look after her if his mum can't."

What do others do then? Some of us have no family at all to do any childcare.

OhMrBadger · 13/04/2016 18:12

YANBU but are also being a little bit U! Of course she should respect your wishes re chocolate.

But...as a PP has said, she has raised children before and is probably bemused at your approach to parenting. I think this is very common and the source of lots of IL problems. I'm not aiming this at you OP, but sometimes new parents can be a bit patronising towards older parents: almost expressing disbelief that anyone managed to survive to adulthood at all! They can forget that other people have gone through all this before. I know I was guilty of this when I had DS1 and only opened my eyes to it when my sister had a baby and she started to do it too: sort of teaching Grandma to suck eggs or whatever the saying is

Could you possibly be guilty of this and are now stuck in a never ending battle of wills? You know she won't back down and she knows you won't back down.

If you want to preserve your sanity, nursery or CM is the only way to go.

Thymeout · 13/04/2016 19:46

You're going to have to get on with this woman for the rest of her life - or your marriage.

Pick your battles. You say you'll be introducing chocolate in a few months anyway. If she slips dd the odd chocolate button while she's looking after her once a week, it's not going to do her any harm.

Don't have a talk. You've made your feelings quite clear. Behave as if you assume she will do as you've asked. I think half her behaviour is rebelling against being told what to do, and winding you up. The Easter egg was obviously a challenge. And you handled it beautifully by not reacting.

It's good that dd will have a close relationship with both grannies. Better than 5 days in a nursery, imv. You can't control what happens when you're not there but If you don't make an issue of it, you won't lose face. And you'll be working towards a better relationship with someone who you really need to get on with.

Oysterbabe · 13/04/2016 20:05

Yanbu.
I think you could have a casual chat just setting out her usual routine for the day, tips for keeping her entertained, things she likes to eat and that she's not having sugar yet.
I'll be having a similar chat with MIL if she babysits DD. Luckily SIL has paved the way with the sugar and salt free, organic diet her DD has

liquidrevolution · 13/04/2016 20:16

You could always hope that your dd will behave like my dd when chocolate is put in front of her. She just stares at the person giving it to her like they are unhinged she also does it with cake...

seriously I pay for nursery because of my MIL having very different ideas to mine when it comes to childcare.

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2016 20:50

She clearly won't listen so if you don't want her to feed your child what she wants then you'll have to use a nursery or childminder.

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2016 20:57

I agree with a pp, it's chocolate not heroin. You're making a right palaver over it all. You've made it a "thing" and she will now be wetting her pants to defy you.

coconutpie · 14/04/2016 00:36

Wow, your mil sounds awful. No way would I leave my baby with her - she's not going to respect any of your wishes and she will just stuff your baby's face with chocolate. WTF is her problem? What a fucking stupid wagon for even suggesting an 8 week old gets chocolate? Fucking weirdo.

Don't leave your baby with her. Sort alternative childcare. Why have you even agreed to this madness in the first place?

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 10:25

Thanks all. To anyone's approach that 'she is doing you a free favour, suck it up', can I ask what you'd do if your best friend was a hairdresser and she said she'd cut your hair for free as a favour; would you A) expect her to cut your hair how she thinks it should be cut or B) cut it how you've asked for it to be cut?

Free favours don't give someone the right to abuse your wishes, as per the above example. The favour is a one I am grateful for, whether the job done is any good I will find out the hard way I guess. But I will be having a chat with her now and won't feel unreasonable for doing it.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2016 10:30

But what are you going to do about your Dp's ridiculous and dictatorial attitude?

redskirt3 · 14/04/2016 10:35

Grrrrrr now I want chocolate.

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 10:35

With a bit of luck he'll soon realise, just got to get him to see it. To be honest I fantasise about leaving him and finding a real gent, if they exist.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohsotired123 · 14/04/2016 10:38

Lol redskirt, me too but I made dp take it all to work so I cant get my claws on it.

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 14/04/2016 10:43

Just pay for proper childcare

Vintagebeads · 14/04/2016 10:48

I can't imagine why you would be using her for childcare,its not going to end well if she can't respect your wishes from the start.
With your mil being how she is and your dh being how he is ,you will have zero say in what goes on .
Get a cm/creche from the start,it will be the best money ever spent.
You cannot change her ,but you can decide who looks after your DC,mil/DM minding IMO only works when you have a good relationship to start with and even then it can be hard.

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2016 11:00

You can talk to her until you're blue in the face but she won't change. If your child not having chocolate is important to you then you'll be better off using a nursery.

RosieSW · 14/04/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisneyMillie · 14/04/2016 12:17

I think if it's really important to you then you're going to have to face neither mother looking after the baby and paying childcare. I think it's unlikely MIL will follow your rules.

BUT is it really that important? It's just a bit of chocolate - she's unlikely to "stuff crap into her all day" as some people suggest. My DM gives my dd more sweets than I'd like but she eats a balanced diet there too and it's only a couple of afternoons a week - I don't think that's a bad compromise for free childcare / bonding time with grandparents. It really won't kill them / turn them obese monsters if their diet is generally great.

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