AIBU to have an informal chat to mil before she looks after my DC

[Ohsotired123]

My mil will be looking after DC for a day a week when I go back to work. There have been issues in the past with her not respecting my wishes regarding food. I.e her wanting to feed my DD chocolate when she was just 8 weeks old and then going on and on about it for months until we eventually came to a blaze over Christmas. You may remember my post. It was a little unbelievable how she acted. Since then she's mentioned it a few times, I.e asked if we have given her chocolate yet when she was 6 months and again at 7 months and she asked If she will she be having Easter eggs. I told her as she's 8 months I didn't want her having Easter eggs, but SIL went and bought her one. I know mil would've told sil didn't want her to have one as they speak daily, sometime twice a day and they tell each other everything. Anyway I ate it and no issue was brought up by me. .

Just recently my DD wouldn't eat toast when I offered it as a finger food, I tried everything on it to get her to eat but she wasn't interested any of the times I gave it to her. Mil said I should try putting Nutella on it and I ignored her and didn't respond.

But As it's nearly time to go back to work I want to make clear that I don't want my daughter having chocolate or chocolate spread sandwiches or anything chocolate related until I say it's ok for her to have it. Which will probably be in a few months but right now I'm still establishing a healthy diet with healthy foods. Mil used to give her kids a bowl full.l of sweets and chocolate after EVERY bath time. Her kids are the Worst eaters I know, they don't eat any veg or fruit, and SIL is seriously obese. I've told my dp that before the arrangement starts we should speak to mil about it and make it clear, but my worry is it's going to come off a little strict and like I've got all these rules etc. But every parent has boundaries right?

MrsS - the ongoing point though will be that it's not just the chocolate, it is however about Mil not respecting the parents wishes. So if she can't respect a relatively simple request, what else won't she respect. It all boils down to wanting to trust the person who cares for your DC. I think the SiL posted a thread a couple of weeks ago and frankly they all sound bonkers totally overinvested in one day's childcare.

agree with others that mil will do exactly what she wants.......why is she so obsessed with inappropriately feeding a small baby chocolate?....not normal!

No way would l leave mine with her, tip of the iceberg here and not worth the cost saving.She will disrespect ALL of your wishes going forward...do you want to risk that...Sleep times, nap time etc. Chocolate is just the beginning... your views are very different (understandably).

Your DH shoud be able to see why you do not want her babysitting as opposed to your dm, who l assume is not chocolate and sweet obsessed and understands your requests for a healthy diet for your baby. If Dh does not understand, be adamant or you will end up with a whole host of problems down the line.

Don't do it.

she will not only he given chocolate nit probably a ton of other stuff tats neither healthy or advised or age appropriate.

she will be munching on fuck knows what before you are even back to the car.

trust me they never listen and do their own thing no matter what you say. amd guess what, it's you that has the upset tummies and the stinky runny nappies and the crying all night.

nursery. has to be.

YANBU, Why has she got an obsession with giving your child chocolate? She seems absolutely adamant that a small child must have it! So strange.^^
I would try and look at nurseries or childminders because this is going to blow sky high at some point, she will do it anyway, you'll get annoyed about it, DP will take her side by the look of it and you'll be the one left feeling like shit.

YABU to think she is going to give a damn about what you think.

It seems blindingly clear to me that she will feed your children what she wants to and will be looking forward to having access to them without you around to "police" her.

I wouldn't be using her as childcare.

I've got to be honest this arrangement sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

Your mil will either give what she wants and lie about it or give what she wants and tell you she has.

I don't think talking to her will do anything but inflame the situation.

I think you either need to make peace with the fact she will do it her way or not leave you dc with her.

If your dp says if she doesn't go to his mum then she doesn't go to yours then I'd call his bluff and tell him that you're going to use nursery full time.

You need to be honest with yourself do you genuinely think she will put your child in danger while caring for them either emotionally, negligently or physically or do you resent having to leave your dc with her?
I have an exdh and know how that feels even if we aren't supposed to feel that way in mumsnet land

If it's the first that you genuinely believe she will put your dc in danger then you need to raise this with your dp and make it clear your not prepared to risk dc in order to pander to his mum.
I do not trust my pil with my dc and have made it clear to DH they will not be caring for them alone. I was able to justify it to him by giving examples of behaviours they did that concerned me. For example they think dc (2) should be left alone to play on the streets, they think dc (2) can be left alone in the bath while they're downstairs so long as they can hear him 'splashing every so often'. I know this because they have suggested all of these things to me much to my horror. When I presented them to my DH and asked if he thought this was a safe way of our dc being cared for he was kinda stumped because he couldn't agree despite the emotional blackmail from his parents.

But downside is I don't rely on my parents for regular childcare too as it would just cause untold drama for DH. Although we do visit a lot more than we ever let on to pil and leave the dc with my parents for nights out and nipping out type thing. We would never tell pil this.

However if it's because you can't stand her and hate the thought of leaving you dc with her then you either need to find a way to get past it and agree or not let either grandmother provide care for your dd.

If she's only having her one day a week then even if she does give her a chocolate bar or Nutella on toast it's really not going to harm her.

On the occasions I've needed emergency childcare for ds and he's gone to my dad he eats a lot of crap I wouldn't give him at home but I know actually won't do him any harm one day a week.

The truth is you'll never find anyone who will care for dc the exact way you want them to even your own mum even your dp because no two people parent the same but so long as they're safe and loved by people who cares for them that's all that matters

Yanbu to have the chat but you do know she is going to feed your child all sorts of crap and just deny/forget to tell you. You need to make peace with that.

Your dh sounds like a prize prick btw. I think you would be better putting your child in proper childcare.

There is no way in hell I would let this woman be on her own with my kid. You know she disregards your wishes, you can talk till you're blue in the face and she'll still stuff your kid with chocolate all day. Gross. Woman up and make other arrangements.

YABU for thinking she will take the blindest bit of notice. You OH is being unreasonable to such a ridiculous 'rule'. That sounds very playground like - "if your mum is, my mum is". Is he always so petty?

Look into proper nursery arrangements before you go back to work, because this will explode within days.

This is why grandparents shouldn't do childcare. Of course MIL thinks her ways are best. She raised your DP and he turned out okay (in your view at least, if not in some of ours). I wouldn't mind betting she is goading you with this chocolate business because she reckons you were just too PFB and uptight about the first "incident" (you have probably shown your Achilles heel). And if she is doing it for free, as a favour, of course she is going to get offended if you then start telling her her job in minute detail. In her eyes, she is no doubt a successful childraiser with a proven track record, while you are a clueless newbie. DP also has a point about sharing baby fairly between the grandmas. If you say MIL can't, you have to say mum can't either or there will be massive fallings-out. Your DP needs to step up and sort this out - even if he doesn't care about the chocolate, he needs to be giving you some support and stop his mum winding you up.

She will do exactly what she wants soon as you drop her off, and will take no notice of anything you have said.

I don't think your being unreasonable, you and dh are the parents and mil should listen to your wishes. I'm with you on the chocolate subject ds is 7 months old and has not had any and won't for a few months yet and I wouldn't be impressed if my mil was trying to feed him chocolate at every chance she had.

I think your be wasting your time taking to her she probably wont listen.

talking not taking

Chocolate isn't the issue. What other wishes of yours will she ignore or flatly contradict?

If your partner insists on everything Grandparent being equal (what nonsense) I think you should research the cost of nursery/childminder, book an appointment and tell him that he's paying the bill (which of course can be reduced if your mum has her as originally planned)

YANBU and my MIL has a weird obsession with chocolate but I'm reminded of this meme.

I think the post writing your DH off as a controlling bully are a little harsh here. In this situation he thinks it's okay to leave your DD with the MIL and you potentially don't - you're both parents so presumably both of your opinions count, and him 'not allowing' your DM to have a day is a response to you suggesting not allowing his DM to have a day, so the control is going both ways. I'm not saying you haven't got a point by the way - I wouldn't be happy with the arrangement you've described either and I think that sort of tit-for-tat approach is childish. But I also wouldn't be happy if my DH decided that my DM couldn't have our child on the basis of something I didn't consider to be that bad or that much of a risk.

I also wonder whether your DH really does trust the MIL 100%, or whether he's just not as invested in the 'no chocolate' thing as you are (i.e. he's willing to risk DD getting chocolate in order to have her spending time with her grandmother and to have free childcare)? Particularly if he was brought up on such a diet, I can see he might rationalise it as 'I turned out okay'?

If you are going to leave her then you absolutely do need to have a conversation with her, but you also need to accept that you can't control the situation and there's a high chance she'll ignore your wishes. I speak as someone who has family looking after my DS while I'm at work and has similar issues to wrangle with.

I happily left our DD with my PIL but never with my parents as I didn't trust my own mother to keep her safe. Sometimes you can't treat both sides the same, however much you might like to.

I can't believe your DP is saying if his mum can't look after DD then yours can't either. How petty and ridiculous.

As others are saying, you have a DP problem rather than a MIL problem.

You could tell her you did try her with her some chocolate and discovered she is very allergic to it.

(But I wouldn't recommend it.)

Oops too many hers

You could just accept that she is who she is and make peace with the fact that in the interests of fairness she gets her one day. Write the day off dietary wise.

In fact, id go so far as to remover her power of manipulation and simply hand dd over in the morning with a cheery "have fun, do what you like its your day!" theb sob in the car

Next time she mentions chocolate tell her straight 'well of course if you ignore my rules about food, I won't leave baby with you again. We'll have to stop the arrangement with you'

Tell DH this is what will happen. She has one chance and that your mums opportunity to provide childcare won't be effected by his mothers inability to follow sensible rules about food.

His mother has huge food issues and will possibly throwing a ton of crap into the poor child otherwise. Make sure you send a lunchbox with all your child's food to save her the hassle of preparing anything.

I'd find a good nursery tbh. No way will she take your views on board.
When the kids are with her it will be her way, not yours.
I think unless you are happy to go with the flow you need to find alternative care.
You can't leave your dc with somebody you can't trust and you can't call the shots if she's offering free childcare.

my dp will not allow my mum to look after her if his mum can't.

Sorry, what?

He can fuck off.

I don't think it is harsh to point out the DH is being petty.

He is happy to send the child because he believes his mum will listen to the instructions about food. Not because he does not agree with the instruction.

It is quite obvious that he is being a fool.

If my childs dad was not happy to leave my mum unattended with our child because he had a reasonable belief that my mum would use physical chastisement would I then be reasonable to say "well then your mum can't" no I wouldn't because it would be obvious to most people I was just acting like a 5yo and making a decision based on the basis of the adult-adult child fog filled relationship.

Just because someone is an equal parent it does not absolve them of the ability to be a twat.

If your MIL won't follow instructions, she shouldn't be watching your child. End of. And that includes not trying to get a baby --a baby!!- hooked on the taste of chocolate a and sweets. Babies don't need chocolate; it should be delayed as long as possible.

Your husband is your real problem. Childminders that respect parental rules and wishes should be the only childminders in your child's life. That includes grandparents; if they can't do it as asked, within reason, they shouldn't be doing it at all unsupervised. Even if it's free.

Tell your husband you do not accept his 'edict', he's not the boss of the family, and that you two should be on the same page when it comes to the welfare of your children. His mother is not acting in their best interests, and this should concern him. If she can't be trusted, she isn't watching DC, end of. He needs to support you and your child's best interests. Being undermined by his mother is not in your family's best interests.

Remind him divorce is expensive.