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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have an informal chat to mil before she looks after my DC

93 replies

Ohsotired123 · 13/04/2016 15:40

My mil will be looking after DC for a day a week when I go back to work. There have been issues in the past with her not respecting my wishes regarding food. I.e her wanting to feed my DD chocolate when she was just 8 weeks old and then going on and on about it for months until we eventually came to a blaze over Christmas. You may remember my post. It was a little unbelievable how she acted. Since then she's mentioned it a few times, I.e asked if we have given her chocolate yet when she was 6 months and again at 7 months and she asked If she will she be having Easter eggs. I told her as she's 8 months I didn't want her having Easter eggs, but SIL went and bought her one. I know mil would've told sil didn't want her to have one as they speak daily, sometime twice a day and they tell each other everything. Anyway I ate it and no issue was brought up by me. .

Just recently my DD wouldn't eat toast when I offered it as a finger food, I tried everything on it to get her to eat but she wasn't interested any of the times I gave it to her. Mil said I should try putting Nutella on it and I ignored her and didn't respond.

But As it's nearly time to go back to work I want to make clear that I don't want my daughter having chocolate or chocolate spread sandwiches or anything chocolate related until I say it's ok for her to have it. Which will probably be in a few months but right now I'm still establishing a healthy diet with healthy foods. Mil used to give her kids a bowl full.l of sweets and chocolate after EVERY bath time. Her kids are the Worst eaters I know, they don't eat any veg or fruit, and SIL is seriously obese. I've told my dp that before the arrangement starts we should speak to mil about it and make it clear, but my worry is it's going to come off a little strict and like I've got all these rules etc. But every parent has boundaries right?

OP posts:

averythinline · 13/04/2016 16:11

If it bothers you (and it would bother me a lot ..yes its only chocolate but its not healthy and not necessary for a baby) It would stress me out i think nutrition in early years is really important

ds had a bit when he was about 2 and has some sweets etc when at parties and easter eggs and does not gorge so thats not always the case....
Whilst i think your dp is being ridiculous I would call his bluff and put dc in nursery.....they certainly wont be feeding her chocolate n sweets.. don't be beholden if you can help it..

RatherBeRiding · 13/04/2016 16:14

You know she won't respect your wishes. So you either live with the knowledge that MIL is stuffing your DD full of crap all day long or you tell (tell not ask) DH that you are not happy with the childcare arrangements and the two of you will have to budget for paid childcare.

If he's not happy with this then you need to repeat that you are not happy with MIL providing childcare because you don't trust her to respect your wishes, but you DO trust your DM to respect your wishes and how does he suggest this is resolved?

But no way on this planet would I allow this woman to look after my child. My own MIL was desperate to stuff my DC with sweets/chocolate/biscuits but had the common decency to respect our wishes and only allowed the DC what we agreed they could have.

LaConnerie · 13/04/2016 16:15

Your problem is your 'd' p thinking he can decide if he will 'allow' you anything. You have legitimate reasons to believe that your Mil won't care for your dc in the way you would want - therefore he needs to get on board, support the mother of his child and hope you manage to forget he ever suggested he was in a position to 'allow' anything...

StrictlyMumDancing · 13/04/2016 16:15

I think you need to remember that a little chocolate won't harm your DD. You need to remember that because you can use this to your advantage. Set MIL a trap and let her fall into it. A couple of test days at yours with some camera's set up is what I'd suggest.

And of course tbf you need to do the same with your DM though a discrete warning in her direction may not go amiss

HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2016 16:17

She will give your child sweets and/or chocolate as sure as eggs is eggs.

She probably thinks you are depriving her. It's obviously a big issue for her.

I would suggest your dilemma is not about whether to ask her not to or not but whether to accept that she will or make alternative childcare arrangements.

I actually think that your H has a point. If you allowed your mum to look after your child but not your MIL, that could cause a massive rift and long term ill feeling.

How about asking your H to tell her not to give any sweets or chocolate? She might take it more seriously if she knows that's what he wants too, rather than just thinking it's something you've decided.

Notso · 13/04/2016 16:17

For free childcare one day a week I'd suck it up tbh.
However I would sort out your DP's petty attitude sharpish.

FuzzyOwl · 13/04/2016 16:20

My PIL don't seem to understand about chocolate either, although DH and I were very appreciate of the extra eggs we got to eat this year! My DD is 10 months old and has never had any sweets so I understand where you are coming from but it is just chocolate at the end of the day. However, the issue here really is your MIL undermining the way you have chosen to bring up your child and refusing to go along with your rules and decisions.

Your DP saying he won't allow something is a whole other post about controlling behaviour but I can't see how you are going to be happy with your MIL looking after your child and if you aren't happy, you can't go ahead with it. Therefore, I would be saying to your DP that neither parent will look after her when you go back to work and he needs to find his share of the nursery costs - I bet he won't be so stubborn about your mum then!

PommelandCantle · 13/04/2016 16:21

Is your MiL the one who has had a decorated bedroom ready for months in preparation of the one day a week childcare?

RE the chocolate thing, I completely agree with you. You are in a difficult position regarding your DH wanting a fair agreement with your DM's as that in itself is not an unreasonable request. If I was in your shoes, provided you and DH agree that at the first sign of her not respecting your wishes she forfeits her day provided you have the same agreement about your DM. However, how are you going to know if she gives your DD food you are unhappy with if she knows how you feel. DD can't tell you yet? Is your DH supportive of how you want DD to eat?

IamSlave · 13/04/2016 16:21

I don't think its fair to say because op isnt paying for this - she doesn't get a say in whether her tiny baby is spoon fed chocolate! what a horrible point of view!

what about mutual respect and trust and love?

Op, you have lots of issues here, and your DP sounds like a bully.

Have you ever called his bluff and said " fine my DM wont see her and neither will yours..."

not sure what the way forward is because like PP said - she IS going to feed her and do what she likes with her.

PommelandCantle · 13/04/2016 16:22

strictlymum I hope you're joking as that is an awful suggestion

IamSlave · 13/04/2016 16:22

great post fuzzy owl

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/04/2016 16:23

You don't have MIL problems you have partner problems

^^This

Hissy · 13/04/2016 16:23

It's not actually the chocolate that's relevant here. It's the absolute resolution to ride deliberately rough shod over the parents wishes.

It's not her decision. She doesn't have to agree, but she does have to respect the choices and decisions made by the parents of a 1yo baby.

This child can't defend herself, or report anything to a parent. For this reason the only thing that exists is trust.

Mil will Absolutely ignore and actually actively defy her dil wishes.

Sweets are irrelevant. What if it were fitting a child seat the way dil says? Not leaving a child unsupervised in water or in a garden... Mil knows full well what the decision is, and has time and time again questioned it to pressure her dil.

A normal person would shrug, clutter perhaps but ultimately respect the parents wishes.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 13/04/2016 16:24

I remember your last thread and no way will she listen to you on this. It's just not going to happen.

You need a serious sit down chat with your DP to make him understand that MIL can't be trusted to comply with your wishes so either your DD goes to your DM or paid for child care.

Spitting his dummy out and saying your DM is not 'allowed' to look after her is utterly out of line.

Hissy · 13/04/2016 16:26

Mutter not clutter! :)

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 13/04/2016 16:27

YANBU to have the chat, but chances are your DD will be getting 'secret' chocolate from grandma as soon as your back's turned.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2016 16:29

Does dh mind if she has chocolate

Maybe dh needs to be firm with his mum and say no

Or send food with her what you want dd to eat at all meals ?

Agree a baby doesn't need it. Doesn't know what it is and maybe at 12:1ths have some

Sadly unless you have cameras then you won't know if she will feed her chocolate

It's likely she will

Arfarfanarf · 13/04/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsS1990 · 13/04/2016 16:34

If she hasn't listened by now, she won't when your back is turned!

You could try and chat with her but I don't see it doing no good.

She will be doing you a favour though.. And you can't not allow Mil to not look after the child just because she gives her a bit of chocolate, and then complain when your husband refuses your mum for a similar silly reason.

The chocolate won't hurt her. Pick and choose your battle wisely ...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2016 16:35

Your man is just as much a problem as his mother. He may well be not strong enough to stand up for himself and his family when he is in her presence. His own inertia when it comes to his own family unit is simply hurting him as well as you.

I would not have her at all look after your child particularly as she has undermined you before now. Such people do not change. You need to find alternative childcare.

Arfarfanarf · 13/04/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamaBluebird · 13/04/2016 16:36

I too hope the camera idea was a joke.

MrsS1990 · 13/04/2016 16:37

And really.... Is it just the chocolate. Or is it just a weird new mum excuse cos you don't like the mil.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/04/2016 16:42

For starters, provide all the food on a pre-prepared basis.

Ensure that your DP always does the collection and bed and bathtime on MIL's day. He can deal with a toddler that's been fed crap

Despite there being very little of it around when I was small, my parents think we are monsters for being very strict about sweets etc and attempt to dish out chocolate and ice-cream constantly when we visit. My sister goes with the flow more and her children take full advantage of what's on offer. Then my parents are the first people to criticize her kids behaviour [hyper and sugar loaded] which is deeply unfair imo, and my nieces and nephews are vilified and compared to my two "well behaved" children.

Your MIL will reap what she sows. As an older person she will find it more difficult to look after a child with a raging sugar rush so if you want the childcare to take place or financially there is no option then simply bide your time.

StrictlyMumDancing · 13/04/2016 16:44

Of course it was a joke ffs - hence the .

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