aibu not to take care of my brother

[Tigerpaws57]

Would really appreciate an impartial perspective on this please. I am the youngest of seven siblings now aged mid forties to early fifties. As youngsters we were all quite close apart from one brother - J - who was always quite insular and never really had much of a relationship with me. As we grew up, we all moved away from our home town in Scotland. My siblings all live within an hours drive of each other but I have been in London for past 20 years, so haven't seen much of the others (too far for them to travel here apparently although I have gone back up to Scotland each year) but we have seen each other at christenings/weddings etc and send christmas/birthday presents (apart from J). J has been married to P, a very cold and unfriendly woman for many years and they have lived a very different lifestyle from mine. They both had good, well-paid jobs, a nice house, fantastic holidays, no children, very heavy drinkers and made no secret of the fact they had an open marriage and both had affairs. They never showed the slightest interest in my life or in my three children - not saying they should have but illustrates the depth of our relationship.

A few years ago, the alcohol started to have a serious impact. J lost his job, they lost the house and moved into rented accommodation. I did not see or hear from him for a couple of years but found out last year that he has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - he may last a few years but there is no chance he will recover. I flew up to visit him and was really shocked to discover how they were living. The flat is squalid and dilapidated and both he and P have become really lax in terms of personal hygiene. They were both bad tempered, critical of everyone and everything and clearly there was no love left between them. I admit that although I felt very sorry for J, I was quite relieved to get away.

Since then I have kept in touch by phone. It now seems that P has left J and gone to live with another man, leaving J to cope with his condition on his own. Obviously he is quite vulnerable and it is likely that he is not attending hospital appointments or taking his medication appropriately.

Last week, one of my other siblings contacted me. She lives an hours drive from J and has been visiting him for an afternoon once a fortnight since P left. However, she more or less told me that it was now my turn to do my bit and that as I am not currently working (was made redundant last Christmas and still considering what to do next) and as my youngest is now at university, she thinks I should bring J down to London to live with me for "a while" so that I can support and supervise his medical needs.

I do feel very sorry for him but also feel horrified at the thought of having a bad-tempered, alcohol dependant, unhygienic, middle-aged man who in truth I hardly know coming to live with me. I also dread that if he does come to London he will not want to go back up to Scotland and there will be no-one there who will be keen to have him back. I had been looking forward to a new future for myself with the children away, more time with my DH and perhaps a new career and I can now see that all disappearing. I know I sound like a selfish, miserable person for not wanting to take care of my brother. Perhaps I am. What do you think?

YANBU. You may happen to have the same parents but that's it. Doesn't mean you have any obligation to J at all.

I have 4 siblings. One of them I see once a year. I have no relationship with her. I wouldn't do her any favours, we happen to share a father and that's it as far as I'm concerned.

Your sister has a bloody nerve. Tell her to wind her neck in and what you do or don't do has nothing to do with her.

It's tough being a carer even for someone you love dearly.
Someone you don't, an alcoholic to boot ....
Fuck NOOOO !

The family - as a whole - should make sure he is assessed professionally, say by a social worker, who can organise all the professional care & support he needs.

BigChocFrenzy totally agree. And an alcoholic who is still drinking is impossible to love as many of us have found out. They are narcissists whatever they where before the frantic drinking. They cheat, steal, lie, do whatever it takes to get drink. They collapse, need emergency care, ambulances and police calls... no, no, no. Professional, paid carers who do a hard job, but don't have the personal obligation.

Thank you so much for all these responses. I am so relieved that almost everyone agrees that having J to stay with me would be a bad idea all round. I think it is true that my sister feels a strong (unwanted) sense of responsibility for J and probably hoped I would have him here to take the pressure off her. In fairness, she did a lot for my father before he died two years ago and perhaps does not want to be in that situation again. In terms of my other siblings, my other sister has a severely disabled child and couldn't be expected to do anything for J, one brother has mental health problems and the other two are busy, busy, busy with their high flying careers although they might be prepared to give some financial support. I think I will speak to my sister and explain that I am not prepared to have J here citing some of the very good points made on this thread. I will also try to help her see that neither she nor I can take on full responsibility for an adult man who still has capacity to make his own choices. But I will arrange to go up to Scotland soon to try to ensure he is getting appropriate medical and social care and if there are any practical measures we can help to put in place to support his wellbeing. Not quite sure how to make contact with agencies or whether they will talk to me as not next of kin but will give it a go. Thanks again for the helpful advice and suggestions.

Interesting that you're a woman and so she contacted you before the high flying brothers.

Good plan, OP. As expat says, don't let them bamboozle you into moving your brother in.

I sympathise with your sister if she did most of the caring for a parent but I think this is different. Sadly, a terminally ill man is unlikely to tackle his alcoholism so you may have had to be caregiver until the inevitable. If you had realised it was too difficult having him live with you, what could you have done? A sibling would be unlikely to take over care as you would be seen to have committed yourself.

don't forget that if he moves into your home you're never going to feel relaxed about going out because you don't know what DB is doing or if he is bringing drinking pals back to your house.
awful position to be in, try not to feel guilty, this is a problem that you should have sort out - he is a grown man that has made his own choices.

YANBU in any way.

What Furious said. I get very impatient at the widespread idea that it is women's, and only women's, natural 'job' to look after ill or vulnerable family members as unpaid, under-appreciated carers, regardless of the deleterious impact on their own lives, while equally close male family members are not even asked because they're assumed to be too busy and important and 'high-flying'. Even the OP's brother's wife (despite the obvious problems in their marriage and her own heavy drinking) seems to have been viewed as his 'carer', taking responsibility for his hospital visits and medication, as the OP's sister only started to visit fortnightly after she left.

And as Kirsty said - has anyone asked the OP's brother whether he wants to move to the opposite end of the country to live with a sister he barely knows? Does he have no agency at all in his own remaining life? Does the OP's family actually know that he is not attending hospital appointments and taking medication?

I totally agree that is wrong and unfair to expect women to take on more caring responsibilities than men but if I don't think my sister has the right to tell me what I should be doing in this situation I can hardly dictate what my brothers should do. Tbh I do think a spouse should take responsibility for their partner over his/her siblings. Don't think Js wife ever helped with his appointments or medication but perhaps their relationship was too far gone by that point. Obviously all I really know of the situation or of what J wants to do is from phone conversations when he often under the influence. He has told me he has missed appointments cos he has overslept or weather was bad and hasnt eaten cos there was no food in house. My sister thinks he would be happy to come to my house as he has no life outside his flat atm and would benefit from company support and structure. If it was only alcohol problems affecting him I probably would feel no guilt as he has had opportunities to address them and turned them down. His terminal condition is unrelated though and I feel so sorry for someone facing his death before he is fifty.

It's not your sister's place to dictate FA to you. You need to tell her NO, this will not happen. Fucking cheeky of her. I mean, your husband has a say, too. You don't have to justify a thing. 'This doesn't work for us. It is not possible.' The end. You try to give reasons, she'll try to bamboozle you. I wouldn't even go up there and make arrangements. For statrters, you're not next of kin. He is also an adult with choices, however vulnerable, he's still drinking. This will limit what you can do because he is entirely entitled to chose to continue drinking. If she feel responsibility that is her lookout.

I think your sister is being very unreasonable to ask this of you, and I think it would be totally the wrong thing for you to do - for all the reasons given above - the damage to your mental health and relationships, the stress, the difficulties of having to reorganise all his health care etc.

Plus I can't see how it would be good for him to be taken away from his life, his home, his friends etc, to somewhere where he will be a stranger to everyone but you and your dh. If he has nothing else to do, and knows no-one else, there will be nothing for him to do but drink.

Could you suggest a family meeting in Scotland, to discuss the best way forward? It sounds as if he needs to go to rehab, or needs a lot of support from the health services, to get dry (and of course, he will need to admit he is an alcoholic first, otherwise any help will be pointless - is he even at that stage, yet, Tigerpaws?).

If he did accept he needed help, and was in rehab or going to AA, could you and your siblings either clean up the flat yourselves, or pay to get someone in to do it?

You might also want to contact AlAnon - they are related to AA, and exist to support the family of an alcoholic - they might be able to offer you advice and support.

No you are not being unreasonable. Your sister is being unreasonable and unrealistic. Caring for someone you love full time is difficult enough, but as you have no relationship with him, caring for your brother would be like bringing a tramp home from off the street. (Sorry but this is the picture I get of him) and just would not work. Also I'm sure your husband would have something to say about it.

In your position I would tell your sister quite firmly that this is not an option and that neither you nor your husband will entertain it.

What your brother needs is specialised care by people who are properly trained. I am not sure what the situation is in Scotland, but if it was in England the family as a whole would need to contact the doctor and/or Social Services and point out that this man is a vulnerable adult and needs them to do an assessment and either put support in place at home or take him into care.

There is nothing to stop you supporting your sister in contacting Social Services or if she is unwilling to do this, you do it. If he is not taking his medication and is alone he is clearly at risk. Incidentally where are the other 4 siblings? What are they doing and what are their views in all of this?

And another thing - if you take your brother into your home Social Services will do sod all and he will just drive you into an early grave.
No No NO!!!!

Just no. Decide this and stick with it.
I have a db who has a life limiting illness. He emigrated 20 years ago and I have only seen him maybe 5 times. Never sent cards or acknowledged the kids. He genuinely seems to think that if his condition worsens he can come home and I will look after him. Well you get what you give in my view. I have no intention Of doing ant such thing

Your sister has some fucking cheek. She visits him every now and again and therefore has decided that you need to take him to live with you? How does a visit once a fortnight equate to you moving him in? She has some brass neck for suggesting it.

No way would I be taking responsibility for him. He has made his own choices, he's an adult and it's not your responsibility to be his full time carer.