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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu not to take care of my brother

91 replies

Tigerpaws57 · 12/04/2016 18:43

Would really appreciate an impartial perspective on this please. I am the youngest of seven siblings now aged mid forties to early fifties. As youngsters we were all quite close apart from one brother - J - who was always quite insular and never really had much of a relationship with me. As we grew up, we all moved away from our home town in Scotland. My siblings all live within an hours drive of each other but I have been in London for past 20 years, so haven't seen much of the others (too far for them to travel here apparently although I have gone back up to Scotland each year) but we have seen each other at christenings/weddings etc and send christmas/birthday presents (apart from J). J has been married to P, a very cold and unfriendly woman for many years and they have lived a very different lifestyle from mine. They both had good, well-paid jobs, a nice house, fantastic holidays, no children, very heavy drinkers and made no secret of the fact they had an open marriage and both had affairs. They never showed the slightest interest in my life or in my three children - not saying they should have but illustrates the depth of our relationship.

A few years ago, the alcohol started to have a serious impact. J lost his job, they lost the house and moved into rented accommodation. I did not see or hear from him for a couple of years but found out last year that he has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - he may last a few years but there is no chance he will recover. I flew up to visit him and was really shocked to discover how they were living. The flat is squalid and dilapidated and both he and P have become really lax in terms of personal hygiene. They were both bad tempered, critical of everyone and everything and clearly there was no love left between them. I admit that although I felt very sorry for J, I was quite relieved to get away.

Since then I have kept in touch by phone. It now seems that P has left J and gone to live with another man, leaving J to cope with his condition on his own. Obviously he is quite vulnerable and it is likely that he is not attending hospital appointments or taking his medication appropriately.

Last week, one of my other siblings contacted me. She lives an hours drive from J and has been visiting him for an afternoon once a fortnight since P left. However, she more or less told me that it was now my turn to do my bit and that as I am not currently working (was made redundant last Christmas and still considering what to do next) and as my youngest is now at university, she thinks I should bring J down to London to live with me for "a while" so that I can support and supervise his medical needs.

I do feel very sorry for him but also feel horrified at the thought of having a bad-tempered, alcohol dependant, unhygienic, middle-aged man who in truth I hardly know coming to live with me. I also dread that if he does come to London he will not want to go back up to Scotland and there will be no-one there who will be keen to have him back. I had been looking forward to a new future for myself with the children away, more time with my DH and perhaps a new career and I can now see that all disappearing. I know I sound like a selfish, miserable person for not wanting to take care of my brother. Perhaps I am. What do you think?

OP posts:
whois · 12/04/2016 19:05

Your sibling has got a fucking nerve! They've been visiting once every 2 weeks but you should bring him to live with you???

No chance.

This man might be your brother, but he has not behaved to you in any close way. Why on earth would you put yourself through the nightmare of having him love with you? What about your DH??

Maybe you could do more such as get the train up every month or something. But good god don't bring him to love with you.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 19:06

It's unrealistic for you to offer any sort of help due to your location.

Because living with you is so far beyond what's required of you. The middle ground is the regular phonecalls and maybe the occasional visit, I think.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2016 19:06

Don't suggest a meeting. All that will happen is they will try to bamboozle you into becoming his carer. This isn't your responsibility to start spear-heading his care, so don't make it yours or it will be expected of you.

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 19:08

YANBU!! There is a massive difference between popping in for an hour once a fortnight and having someone move 100s of miles to live with you!! No way!!

Also, you say you are one of 7 and that they all live within about an hour of each other/J - what have they been doing? Have you been singled out or have they all been doing a bit for him?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 12/04/2016 19:09

Hello OP, sympathise as found ourselves in near enough identical situation within last 5 years.

Guilt did get the better of us and we did intervene, have him to stay and try and be involved in his life but the dramas that brought with it were ridiculous.

It was all dreadfully sad but he ended up pushing it so hard that none of us could bear to have him in our lives and went no contact with him.

We got the call last year to say that he was dying, which he later did. We were all sad for the waste of his life, but it has led to being able to wake each day without wondering if today is the day he will drink himself to death.

If I could do it again, I'd steer clear. Perhaps abject loneliness would have spurred him into some introspection rather than relying on everyone else to fix things for him.

Ploppymoodypants · 12/04/2016 19:09

If it eases your mind slightly, think of it from this perspective. Would your brother (when he was well and had his wife and money etc) have come to care for you if you were terminally ill?

I feel for you it's a very difficult situation and obviously you don't want to fall out with your other siblings. But it sounds like your sister wants to back off without feeling guilty. What are the other 4 siblings doing?

badg3r · 12/04/2016 19:09

What about the other four siblings who also live an hour from him? Have they been to visit? Does he even want to move?! I would make an effort to go visit for a few days every month if things really are that bad. But if he moves in with you, how would he move out? Flat hunting with a terminal illness while living hundreds of miles away? I think if he moved in with you he may well be there to stay.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 12/04/2016 19:10

Don't do it. I think a simple 'no, that doesn't work for me' will come in pretty handy.

Surely staying in an area he knows, with six siblings able to share the load is much better.

BirthdayBetty · 12/04/2016 19:14

Yanbu, what a cheek!

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 12/04/2016 19:15

An afternoon a fortnight is not remotely the same as moving some one in with you, so she is being unreasonable, and a cheeky fecker.
What are you other siblings doing/saying?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 12/04/2016 19:15

She's been seeing him 1 afternoon a fortnight since last year? I'm going to assume it's been around a year. Let's say each visit was 6 hours including travel. That would make 6.5 days of living with you match her total time investment over the last year. We'll call it a week.

Whose turn is it after your week is up?

Pepperpot99 · 12/04/2016 19:15

YANBU at all. It woul dbe mad and very destructive to your own family.

VimFuego101 · 12/04/2016 19:15

YANBU at all. At most, as another poster suggested, I would sit all the siblings down to make sure that he was accessing all the help/support he was entitled to, and work together with them to ensure he got it (sometimes you have to pester a lot to access things and you might have more success as a united front, as well as convincing him to accept the help). But no way I would have him live with me.

TitaniumSpider · 12/04/2016 19:16

So who is going to take the responsibility for your brother if nobody in the family is prepared/able to do it?

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 19:19

ElderlyKoreanLady makes an excellent point and her clever calculation makes the imbalance between what your sibling has done and what she is expecting of you crystal clear. If she brings this up again, I would tell her this and make it clear its a non-goer. This man may be your brother but has been barely more than an acquaintance for many years.

acasualobserver · 12/04/2016 19:20

She goes and sees him one afternoon a fortnight, but expects YOU to have him FT and become his carer. That is some brass neck on her part

In a nutshell.

paxillin · 12/04/2016 19:22

Do not invite a wet alcoholic to stay with you. The strongest marriage might not survive it. It will cost no end of nerves and money. He will be interested in one thing only, and that is alcohol. All else including you is unimportant, unless it helps get more booze.

You think DB who I don't know well. Your DH thinks random alcoholic stranger who will be bad for your health, his health, your relationship... Your DC think alcoholic uncle who they never met... don't go there.

A very dear friend found himself in your situation, he organised meals on wheels for the alcoholic, which he paid for together with other family and also a crate of water and soft drinks so he knew the drinker had the minimum nourishment. After that, you can't do anything.

OurBlanche · 12/04/2016 19:24

Social Services, NHS and other health teams... has your sister contacted all of them and ensured that he is getting all the professional support he is entitled to? Has she spent 'her time' being productive for/with him in that sense?

Ignore anyone who tries to guilt you into taking responsibility for an alcoholic. That is never ever ever a good thing for anyone who is/can be emotionally involves, including the alcoholic.

Your brother does not need well meaning, guilty relatives who not only are nigh on strangers but who will not be able to understand all the complexities of his physical and mental issues. He needs medical professionals who will be able to make less emotional/scared/guilty decisions regarding his needs.

Tell your sister you WILL NOT house your brother but that you agree that ALL OF YOU need to pull together to ensure he gets all the medical support he needs, including any home help, respite care, and (assuming cancer) charity based support he can access.

Please, from one who has been there, DO NOT be persuaded to turn your life upside down. Give what you can afford to give, no more. He is, as you have said, no child. He may be ill and alcoholic, but he is an adult, presumably of sound mind, with his own ideas on what he needs/wants!

DSHousewife01 · 12/04/2016 19:24

Tell your sister you will discuss the situation with her the next time she comes to visit.

nocoffeenouppee · 12/04/2016 19:29

YANBU. I have nothing to add that hasn't already been covered.

pinkcan · 12/04/2016 19:29

Terrible idea for him to live with you. I would just tell sister, no that isn't possible.

Perhaps your husband would be willing to "take the fall" (ie you and him agree to tell sister that he has said outright no to the arrangement) - then nothing your sister argues about your personal situation will be relevant and it may also minimise the impact on your relationship with your sister?

GertrudeBadger · 12/04/2016 19:31

Surely a group email to all the siblings is in order to sort out a rota for those that live near? I'd be inclined to visit and see what could be sorted out, but there wouldn't be a chance that I'd have him live with me. You could perhaps do respite care for the core team of carers living near by? But I don't see at all why you and one sister should be the only ones...

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 19:32

It's so unreasonable to even ask you this that I wouldn't bother trying to temper the response.

I would say "that's not going to happen so we need to look at viable alternatives. Have you contacted social services for shall I?"

PennyHasNoSurname · 12/04/2016 19:33

No. No. No.

If you feel you need to contribute to his well being in some way, that can still be done from afar (fortnightly cleaner or a fortnightly grocery delivery). It is impractical and nonsensical for him to move in with you.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/04/2016 19:33

It sounds like she doesn't feel your brother's entitled to any input on her decision either. Is this panic about her needing a break from him but not feeling it's ok for her to step back unless she can get someone else to take over what she feels is her responsibility?

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