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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu not to take care of my brother

91 replies

Tigerpaws57 · 12/04/2016 18:43

Would really appreciate an impartial perspective on this please. I am the youngest of seven siblings now aged mid forties to early fifties. As youngsters we were all quite close apart from one brother - J - who was always quite insular and never really had much of a relationship with me. As we grew up, we all moved away from our home town in Scotland. My siblings all live within an hours drive of each other but I have been in London for past 20 years, so haven't seen much of the others (too far for them to travel here apparently although I have gone back up to Scotland each year) but we have seen each other at christenings/weddings etc and send christmas/birthday presents (apart from J). J has been married to P, a very cold and unfriendly woman for many years and they have lived a very different lifestyle from mine. They both had good, well-paid jobs, a nice house, fantastic holidays, no children, very heavy drinkers and made no secret of the fact they had an open marriage and both had affairs. They never showed the slightest interest in my life or in my three children - not saying they should have but illustrates the depth of our relationship.

A few years ago, the alcohol started to have a serious impact. J lost his job, they lost the house and moved into rented accommodation. I did not see or hear from him for a couple of years but found out last year that he has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - he may last a few years but there is no chance he will recover. I flew up to visit him and was really shocked to discover how they were living. The flat is squalid and dilapidated and both he and P have become really lax in terms of personal hygiene. They were both bad tempered, critical of everyone and everything and clearly there was no love left between them. I admit that although I felt very sorry for J, I was quite relieved to get away.

Since then I have kept in touch by phone. It now seems that P has left J and gone to live with another man, leaving J to cope with his condition on his own. Obviously he is quite vulnerable and it is likely that he is not attending hospital appointments or taking his medication appropriately.

Last week, one of my other siblings contacted me. She lives an hours drive from J and has been visiting him for an afternoon once a fortnight since P left. However, she more or less told me that it was now my turn to do my bit and that as I am not currently working (was made redundant last Christmas and still considering what to do next) and as my youngest is now at university, she thinks I should bring J down to London to live with me for "a while" so that I can support and supervise his medical needs.

I do feel very sorry for him but also feel horrified at the thought of having a bad-tempered, alcohol dependant, unhygienic, middle-aged man who in truth I hardly know coming to live with me. I also dread that if he does come to London he will not want to go back up to Scotland and there will be no-one there who will be keen to have him back. I had been looking forward to a new future for myself with the children away, more time with my DH and perhaps a new career and I can now see that all disappearing. I know I sound like a selfish, miserable person for not wanting to take care of my brother. Perhaps I am. What do you think?

OP posts:
Pico2 · 12/04/2016 19:36

Whatever healthcare and support is in place for him in his current location would be a massive pita to set up again where you are. He clearly has a diagnosis from a medical team there, so something is in place. Social services may also be involved there. Transferring that stuff might cause arguments between authorities as to who would take the cost.

GertrudeBadger · 12/04/2016 19:36

aside from your sister's unreasonableness though which is the understandable focus, she's doing something and an awful lot of the rest of your siblings are doing nothing - do you know if she's asked for the rest of them to step up already?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 12/04/2016 19:37

Apart from all the reasons given above, 'looking after' an alcoholic who is still drinking is FUTILE, as they cannot be helped, unless they actively stop drinking. And it doesn't sound like your brother is interested at the moment in looking after or helping himself by doing that at all.

Dellarobia · 12/04/2016 19:41

YANBU, but do tell your sister what you are prepared to do. Maybe one visit a month would be reasonable, and some of your other siblings could help out too?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/04/2016 19:49

This is completely bonkers, your sister is chancing her arm here. DO NOT DO THIS.

PigletJohn · 12/04/2016 19:52

Regretfully, I don't know a way to help an alcoholic or a drug user, and I would not let one into my house.

If I felt an obligation, I might be willing to visit and to share the cost of some kind of help. Possibly Social Services will help a tiny bit, though IME not enough to keep body and soul together.

Last time I went to the funeral of a person who drank himself to death, only one of his family offered to share the cost, none of the others would contribute, so he ended up in an unmarked grave. He had spent his last weeks in a hospice, which might have been the best weeks he'd had in many years.

tellyjots · 12/04/2016 19:52

YANBU

Would your brother want to come and live so far away or with people he barely knows anyway?

Tell her to go and chase herself

girlfrommars33 · 12/04/2016 19:57

YANBU. As others have said - visiting once a fortnight is quite different from moving someone in full time.

If you can afford to, hire a carer for him, employ a cleaner, or get him a weekly supermarket order with healthy ready meals and fruit. He has six siblings so hopefully if you split the cost six ways one these will be doable and improve his quality of life.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2016 19:57

Yanbu why doesent she have him to say, yiu are not close with your brother and do not have a relationship with him. I woukd visit a bit more, but not have him stay, no, or talk to their siblings to get him into a hospice.

thelonggame · 12/04/2016 19:57

Don't do it, his problems will take over your life. You have children at university - they do come home again so don;t do it to your DC either.
It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love do this to themself, but it's his choice, not yours, and not your responsibility.

IPokeBadgers · 12/04/2016 19:59

A fairly unanimous YANBU.

You are not miserable or selfish OP. Your life and marriage are your priority, not an alcoholic near stranger.

Greyponcho · 12/04/2016 20:00

Keep in touch by phone
^^ this is how you're keeping in contact with him. Keep it that way, or do Skype. Sounds like he couldn't be arsed with you in the slightest when he was in good health and well off, so why should you feel obliged to look after him now?
He's a grown man who has got himself into this situation, and only he can take action to get himself out, which he seems unwilling to do.
You'd be cutting your career dead if he comes to live with you - you'd be lumbered with taking him to appointments, making sure he takes his medication all hours of the day - because if he's not doing that on his own accord now, he's not going to do it just because he's living with you. I don't think many employers would be so understanding of you having time off all the time & carers allowance doesn't pay that well (which would only be eligible when he becomes incapable of doing things for himself).
Maybe suggest some kind of rota between all of you/plan of action for helping him seek support, where your other siblings pull their weight too, and you visit when you can.

EweAreHere · 12/04/2016 20:00

YANBU.

I wouldn't do it. And I strongly advise you not to do it either.

Once you take responsibility for him, he's yours. There will be no turning back.

BMW6 · 12/04/2016 20:03

No.

She's got a bloody cheek. I suspect your siblings want him to live with you so he is as far away from them as possible..........

His circus, his monkeys frankly.

paxillin · 12/04/2016 20:04

Wet alcoholics are so destructive. You say he will die. That is very sad, the fact he has no meaningful relationships with non-strangers is of his own making. Don't let it destroy your health, plans and relationships.

moggiek · 12/04/2016 20:09

YANBU!

TeatimeForTheSoul · 12/04/2016 20:19

I agree with previous posts:

  • unwise and unhelpful to take him away from any current health or social support
  • taking your turn would equate to 1, maybe 2 weeks of care.

Would you be able to show willing by going up for a couple of weeks to see if he needs help accessing and co-ordinating social care?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 12/04/2016 20:22

A good question to throw at her is how often she and your other siblings planned on coming to visit, with strong emphasis on the fact that they never visit you. Moving your DB to London will therefore isolate him from the rest of the family and isn't in his best interests.

If she's trying to imply that him being blood means you're obliged to help, she can't expect your obligation to surpass the standard she's set...see my post above RE the time she's actually invested.

Add to that the fact that she can't expect you to move in and care for someone who'd have such a destructive impact on the lives of your immediate family, and she can swing for it.

I suspect she sees her involvement as being a full year's worth rather than working out the real time commitment. I'm also sure she feels put out that none of his other siblings want to help. But, however insensitive this may sound, your brother spent a lifetime making his bed. She can't now play on other people's sense of obligation and expect more from them than she does from herself to stop him having to lie in it.

You have a life with considerations far more prominent and important than a man you see once a year with whom you happen to share some DNA. Don't feel guilty for that and don't apologise for it. Do what you feel able to do.

SavageBeauty73 · 12/04/2016 20:28

I divorced my alcoholic husband.

DON'T DO IT!

DinosaursRoar · 12/04/2016 20:28

Agree that an 'equivilant' level of help would be for you to go there for a fortnight, help siblings set up meetings with health care professionals/social services/whatever else he might need, but dont bring him to you.

Wolpertinger · 12/04/2016 20:48

Quite aside from the fact that her proposal is nuts, it would be taking him away from his established medical and social support. Which is a stupid idea.

None of your family actually have to look after to him - it's nice that some of them want to be realistically across 6 people some are going to live too far away, some are going to be too busy and some just plain won't want to. All of these are acceptable reasons.

What he really needs is a social worker, possibly a care package, possibly a palliative care nurse depending on the nature of his illness/symptoms and a stable living environment. He will burn through all of his family if you don't have strong boundaries as he continues to drink.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2016 20:53

He continues to drink. Don't get involved.

tupperwareAARGGH · 12/04/2016 21:03

God NO NO NO NO!!! This man has not given two shiny shit about you or your family for years and years. Has led a life of booze, selfishness and sleeping around and its finally bitten him in the arse. No way would I let anyone come and stay in my house who had not cared one bit about me or my child let alone one that was an alcoholic and a non functioning one at that.

My father was a drunk, he cared more about himself, the drink and whatever woman he was shagging behind my mothers back. Not at any point did he put me or my siblings first or show he even cared about us. He ended up homeless then living in a house for drunks, we saw him once and I tried to maintain contact with a few phone calls until I realised that actually he still couldn't give a shit so I stopped bothering. No way would I have ever let the man in my house. He deserved everything he got and died that way due to his lifestyle choices and selfishness.

SabineUndine · 12/04/2016 21:11

YANBU. However, what will make YOU feel better? You don't have to look after him, but you could make sure that social services have assessed his needs so that he is getting care and support to live decently.

KirstyJC · 12/04/2016 21:15

Hell no! But does he even want that anyway or it is just your sister is trying to plam him off so she doesn't need to worry or feel guilty? Has she even asked him what he wants?

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