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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So much work to do on my life

79 replies

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 16:29

I don't have a clue where to start.

I'm starting completely from the bottom if you like with (almost) nothing.

So - you're me. Your career is over and you don't know what to do next; your health (physical and mental) is poor, you're physically unattractive so no hope of a marriage giving you an opt-out clause and you've no one to support you (Apart from mumsnet.)

Where would you start?

And what might you do?

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luckiestgirlintheworld · 12/04/2016 18:45

I'd move to somewhere like India and live very very simply.

RudeElf · 12/04/2016 18:46

Yes i feel like i am facing a future of being alone. I dont have any solutions for you otherwise i'd be doing them myself. Best i can advise is that worrying about them wont fix them so dont waste the energy on it. Carry on with your self improvement. If nothing else its a distraction from the worry, right? And none of us know what will happen down the line, things could change for the better without any planning at all.

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 18:48

It means a lot that you've listened and I think understood.

Ultimately I've failed at being a person. Those things you're supposed to have achieved - I just haven't.

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/04/2016 18:52

Nonsense. You haven't failed. You are still here. You haven't murdered, stolen, cheated or lied. You are still facing the world, albeit in a smaller way than you wanted to.

I would study. A couple of years ago I would have recommended open university, but it is spensy now. But I would do an online course, or read more, join the library. Find out about something you've always wanted to find out about. It's a big world and you're part of it.

Babynamechange · 12/04/2016 19:00

Start a grateful list.
Every morning write 5 things you are grateful for. In the evening write another 5 before you go to bed. Seriously it's life changing. You need to make yourself do it...
If you can't think of anything, think harder. Running water, the fact you can even post on mumsnet (half the world hasn't access to the Internet)...there is loads xxx

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 19:04

I know, but in terms of what I'm doing for the rest of my life reading/writing lists isn't quite there you know?

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RudeElf · 12/04/2016 19:18

Nope. Not having that from you. You havent failed at anything. (Been there, said that and beat myself up about it- but its not true) you're just struggling. Everyone in life has struggles but they wont tell you about them. Friends of mine have been shocked when they realise how low i've been. But we arent failures. Dont write yourself off. And dont measure yourself against anyone else's life or idea of "success". You are a success. Despite having illness and struggles you are still getting your ass out of bed every day and getting to work. You are still supporting yourself and contributing to society. You are achieving that every single day and i know how much of a struggle that is when you dont see any damn point in the whole lot. You are succeeding right now. You are doing it. There was a point in my life where i was doing well if had managed to feed the DCs 3 meals. (Yes i know how awful that is) i could only dream of being capable of holding down a job and getting a wage for my work. You are doing well. Have no doubt about that, you are and you will manage the other things you want to do, just not overnight. Little steps. Before you know it you'll have an embarrassingly large tom hardy DVD collection Blush if you like Grin

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 19:40

:)

Well you have children which is more than I've managed!

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pandarific · 12/04/2016 19:45

Ultimately I've failed at being a person. Those things you're supposed to have achieved - I just haven't

That's the depression talking though - classic tunnel vision. Not to minimise the awful thing you are going through at all, because I have been there, but please be aware that this feeling that you have that is so strong and so much the truth to you at the moment, is a feeling and not a fact, and is magnified and distorted by depression.

Think of it like grief - you are grieving, and you need time and space to gather yourself back together.

Do you like to read/write? How about you write what happened to you, as if you were writing a book or telling a friend? Go to a cafe of an evening and look at all the people living their lives and start telling your story. If you ever want to anonymously publish it then great, if you just want to keep it for yourself, then great too.

This may indeed be a big change in direction in your life, but in 5 years, in 10 years, in 40 years this will not be the huge painful thing it is now. You are going to get through this and you are allowed to make mistakes. Flowers

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 19:46

I hope so, but it's been 2 years Sad

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Babynamechange · 12/04/2016 19:47

Writing a grateful list changes your Perception..... It makes you see your world differently, and then your world starts changing. You see opportunities where before you would have seen nothing.... It's a gradual process but it will change your life. At the minute you are only seeing the negatives. It's simple....If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting.

pandarific · 12/04/2016 19:47

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 19:48

36, why?:)

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RudeElf · 12/04/2016 19:52

I have children because of reckless teen notions of "it wont happen to me" Blush getting them certainly wasnt part of any plan or achievement. My life would have been a lot easier if i had planned them out to happen at a better time.

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 19:53

I get that but not having children is such a regret. It really is.

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HPsauciness · 12/04/2016 19:56

ice-cream I think your posts (both this one and the other thread about career change) do indicate depressive thinking- everything is wrong, nothing is right, and nothing is going to change in the future.

I honestly think until you have tackled this depression, it is going to be hard to plan and see the future, as it won't look rosy- in fact, one of the signs of depression is that you don't enjoy your life or have moments of happiness, it's all flat (not necessarily unpleasant). This could be through self-help, such as exercise (why can't you exercise in a very gentle way, walking, swimming?) or online CBT or through seeing your dr- and if you are already doing that, perhaps going back to change meds or seek counselling help.

I get the impression you are grieving for the life you thought you were going to have (before the enforced career change) and that's ok, in fact, that's natural. You are in a natural stage, the question is how can you work through it and not let it become a way of life.

You sound like you have a lot to offer the world, in terms of skills, a good sense of humour, but there's no point in me suggesting things like why not do a TEFL course and travel the world (as one of the single people I know has done in their fifties, no kids), because you just don't see the potential for change at the moment. If you were not depressed, you would, and I think you will lift out of this sooner or later, but it would be brilliant if it were sooner, because you do have a lot to offer!

HPsauciness · 12/04/2016 19:59

If I've read this wrong, by the way, do point it out and say how it is from your perspective, I have rather put two and two together, there may be more and different things going on.

positivity123 · 12/04/2016 20:01

What about doing a mindfulness course? It can teach you how to relax, how to look after yourself; not just physically but spiritually and mentally as well. You'll meet a very open and kind group of people as well. Maybe you could find one and try and walk there to get a bit of exercise as well.
I really hope you find something as you deserve to be happy.

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 20:06

You're probably right HP but I don't have a clue what to do about it. Perhaps it's more the enforced career change exposed other weakness. Don't know.

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wannabestressfree · 12/04/2016 20:16

Who's to say you won't have children.... your young. My bf has had number 2 at 38 and married last year....
What would you like to do if you had a choice?.
Please Don't let things stop you. Can't isn't in my vocab. I have a serious illness and a large tumour, I teach full time and have three boys -one with asd and severe mental health problems- on my own.
I will be buggered if I am sitting on my steroid bloated arse feeling sorry for myself.
Travel....seize the day....

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 20:19

Ok - well first of all, I'm really sorry to hear about your tumour.

However - here we go:

whos to say you won't have children

Me. I can't support them and don't have a partner (and won't meet one realistically) and a child deserves better.

i will be buggered if i am sitting on my steroid bloated Arse feeling sorry for myself

Good. I'm glad you're not as pathetic and useless as me.

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HPsauciness · 12/04/2016 20:28

You keep saying I won't meet a partner, I won't have children, perhaps you won't have children, but given you have about forty years left of your life, the chances of not meeting a partner, if you want one, and want to go to groups like walking groups, MeetUp and so forth, is quite low. My mum, gran and other gran have all had second and third relationships into their sixties and seventies.

Can you not see your 'it's all over' mentality at 36 is just a product of depression, and not actual reality?

I can't suggest what that thing is that is going to turn things around- it could be volunteering with children, or abroad, or taking a singles holiday, or doing online CBT or whatever- but there are a huge number of options, too many to list in fact, and I know whatever I suggest you'll say- I can't do that.

That way of thinking, borne of depression, is your problem, not the lack of productive ways to spend your life, or indeed the lack of nice people out there who want new friends and partners (and whatever you say it isn't all about looks as a quick look around any town centre at the couples holding hands will tell you).

I think you need help for depression, have you been to the drs? Have you thought about self-help? (if not exercise, something else perhaps online), counselling (perhaps getting a discount if not got much money) and so forth. Or posting in mental health on here and getting better advice from people who have experienced it?

You don't give a lot away about your life, and although that is self-protective it makes it hard to advise you, as I don't know what you like to do/what qualities you have/what skills you have (except teaching and writing nicely!) I don't mean you have to disclose everything if you don't want, but it does mean the hit rate of sensible suggestions will be lower.

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 20:31

There isn't really much to tell, HP, and honestly there's no chance of me meeting anybody, which is fine I can live with that but it does mean that with the lack of anything else I am rather pointless.

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wannabestressfree · 12/04/2016 20:32

No you Don't get to say that.... your not sad or pathetic. Your stuck in a rut and we are going to shoe horn you out!! Don't pity or feel sorry for me. I am a glass half full person :)
You can meet Mr/Mrs/MS right tomorrow.... and everything changes. You didn't answer any of the questions. What would you do?.

icecreamwithflake · 12/04/2016 20:33

There's nothing I can do.

Sorry, I know I am being defeatist and negative but there's nothing.

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