So much work to do on my life

[icecreamwithflake]

I don't have a clue where to start.

I'm starting completely from the bottom if you like with (almost) nothing.

So - you're me. Your career is over and you don't know what to do next; your health (physical and mental) is poor, you're physically unattractive so no hope of a marriage giving you an opt-out clause and you've no one to support you (Apart from mumsnet.)

Where would you start?

And what might you do?

[KindDogsTail]

I hope you are all right today, icecream. Call the Samaritans if you feel too bad. Could you go back to the GP?

You can get through this.

[shovetheholly]

OP, you said: 'I can walk to end of the street and stuff. But after that? What am i going to do?'

The answer is simple: take a deep breath, and walk just a few steps further. And those steps aren't pressured, full of rage, or even defiant. They are for you. Because you deserve that bit of time and attention.

And the same is true of all the other things. One step at a time, you can make changes.

And you WILL find people who love and care for you.

[Pisssssedofff]

A year ago if it hadn't been for the kids I'd have killed myself, I really mean that. 12 months has changed so much and things are much much brighter than they were .... You have to give your self time and have this belief that there are things in your future that you don't know about yet that will bring you joy. Baby steps

[KindDogsTail]

Sorry, I had not read the whole thread before.

[girlfrommars33]

op I get it. And it is grim so you're not being daft to acknowledge that. But as pp said, small steps build up. So you don't need to decide right now what you want to achieve, but just start cooking that new meal once a week, going for a walk.

I recommend futurelearn courses online - sign up and learn for a couple of hours a week on anything from shakespeare to forensic science - no one knows or judges if you start and don't finish so do as many as you like.

Also, a child and a husband are not the only things that make a worthwhile life. Look at Jane Austen.....or the thousands of others who lead good and happy lives.

[KindDogsTail]

Is there any possibility that you might enjoy going to a religious service of some kind once a week or so Icecream? Even if you were not religious there would be a beautiful, calm atmosphere and often a chance to have coffee and talk to other people afterwards, and it can help set a rhythm on the week.

Going to the library and browsing can be enjoyable and there are often classes and talks advertised there. That helps with not feeling isolated. There may also be other information there about help you could get if you ask at the desk.

Do you have a radio? Listening to music whether classical or pop in the evenings might be pleasant.

I agree: treat yourself with great respect.


Elf, Shove and others, those are some very inspiring ideas.

I am sure you could feel a bit better soon Icecream

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Ugh sorry

Six months ago I genuinely whole heartedly believed that I would never have sex again or find anyone to have a relationship with. I'm now seeing someone I really like and who finds me attractive and who I really like.

Depression is awful. When you're in its grip you can't imagine anything ever getting better. Please try to go to the doctor, they will be kind and they won't belittle you and they will try to help.

My top tip: don't say anything to yourself yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend or to a child.

Also treat yourself like a small child: put yourself to bed at a sensible time, get up at a sensible time. Eat as well as you can (but don't worry if "as well as you can" is toast all weekend once in a while). Take yourself outside at least once a day. Say kind things to yourself. Don't say mean things to yourself. Do little things that make you happy, it doesn't have to cost money. Smile at someone every day even if it's just the person at the checkout in a shop.

[RudeElf]

Ooh i had my eldest at 19 too! He is 10 now and DS2 is 6 so both were at school while i was studying last year. Agree with feeling i'm doing things the difficult way backwards, but again, who knows what would happen had i planned it differently? I've kind of made the decision to stop beating myself up about where ive gone wrong (and there is plenty to choose from) and just accept that this is where i am and do the best i can with it. Since then i've moved a lot further up the happiness and progress scales than i was when i was doing the self loathing.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Six months ago, I felt I was too ugly, fat and horrible to ever dind

[wannabestressfree]

Rudelf I think we are quite similar.... I had my oldest at just 19 and he came to uni with me :) had the other two by 28. Always have felt I have lived life backwards but also that's it's my plan.... had I waited then children would not be possible for me.

[RudeElf]

Would also like to add that despite being nowhere near being an astrophysicist or even still being on the uni course, getting into university is one of the proudest achievements of my life. Even though i "failed" at getting where i had initially planned.

[RudeElf]

Btw, doing that access course was the start of me feeling like me again. When i look back it was a defining point in my life. There was before i was ill-ill-recovery. And recovery began with the decision to do that course.

[maddening]

A few questions :

How old are you

What was your career

What qualifications do you have

What types of jobs would interest you if there were no barriers

What is wrong with you physically - are you ill or is it a weight issue

What is your mh issue - anxiety/depression/other and what are you doing about it currently

I think you need to work on you and stuff like friendships and relationships happen out of that - over simplistic yes but it is harder to meet people and develop these things if you hole yourself away

[RudeElf]

Interestingly enough i actually started college in sept 2014 with a view to studying astrophysics. It was a scary prospect indeed. However i tried it, and by trying i realised along the way that astrophysics wasnt for me. I altered my goals and decided on something that was more suited to my life and limitations. I finished my course in may last year passing with highest honours and gaining a place on my first choice of course at university. I started university in september. I have since had to give up on getting my goal through that course as i couldnt manage the workload along with my job and my Dcs but i've not written it off completely. If you had told me 2 years ago i could get into university i would have laughed in your face. Having left school at 15 believing i was stupid there is no way i would have believed i could do it. In fact i still didnt believe i could do it until the day i walked in to the university for my first day. I may not be an astrophysicist, but i'm a lot closer than i would have been had i decided it wasnt possible

[vintagefiend]

ice cream- i am starting to come out of a horrendous depression- largely hormonal but also life/circumstance. I never thought it was possible to feel so dreadful and did not want to be on this planet. I honestly would have traded it for any physical illness; and I mean anything- the pain was unbearable. I totally get where you're at, even if my circumstances are different.
Anyway, having tried various medications, I am on an antidepressant that is working- it's taken a while and it's not perfect but it's enabling me to do the some of the normal things I took for granted before. It's enabled me to go outside, walk, go to the shops- stuff that I couldn't possibly do before and it's still early days so I'm hoping for continued improvement!
I don't want to seem as though I'm pushing anti-depressants- as others have said, perhaps some other form of treatment/counselling may work. But please, please tell you're GP (I've skim read thread and don't think you've been yet?)
Personally, I was beyond anything other than medication but see it as something to get me thinking straight again and being productive- and hopefully not something I'll be on for a long time.
Incidentally, my SIL had her baby at 48 (donor egg).

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Just jumping in very quickly and sorry if I disappear suddenly, but you know, all it takes is for just one person to pay you a compliment, or show an interest in you, and most importantly, that you believe it, then you will start to actually see the worth you have and that then becomes attractive, whether you are classically good-looking or not.

But if you are defeatist and avoid people, even if you DO come across someone who would be your perfect match, the way that you put yourself down and don't give yourself a chance means that they probably would be too scared to even approach you. Honestly, as soon as your start believing that actually, yes, it is TRUE that there is someone out there for EVERYONE, then you'll start to want to go out and meet people. It's al about self-belief, and yours sounds at rock bottom. Your life isn't ACTUALLY at rock bottom but your self-belief IS.

[wannabestressfree]

Small changes need to come from you though and I think going to the doctors is a start. If you have depression you won't see the wood from the trees and that includes meeting someone.

[pandarific]

You're young enough to have children if you want, but that's really a side issue. the first thing you need to do is to get treatment for your depression. Everything you want seeming so impossible for you to get is symptomatic of it. It's really hard to go against what your mind and experiences are telling you is true, but honestly, you're not alone in this. It's so true of people experiencing depression, and so horribly common.

I'm really not minimising your challenges at all - you'd be mad not to worry about getting the things you want most in life - but you're not well right now and the first and the most important thing you can do first is take steps toward helping your mental health. again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Can you go to your GP? Or even just post on the MH forum on MN for some support?

[icecreamwithflake]

I do desperately want change but I can't see how.

Rude I guess if someone said to you 'you can get a PhD in astrophysics' you would think 'no!' (Apologies if you have one!) this is what anyone being interested in me is like. I'm aware it happens for others but not me.

[RudeElf]

How do you know you never will have someone? What makes you so certain?

[HPsauciness]

Why not? Are you different than all those millions of people who have gone to the drs because of anxiety, or worries or depression (we know it's millions)? I've been, are you saying you are very different to the rest of us!

Op, I won't convince you in this conversation (and I've got to run) but I think you do deep down want change. I don't think any of us can provide the answer to what you change will be as we simply don't know yet, but the fact you are asking and wondering makes me hopeful that one day in the not too distant future, you'll get up and make one.

Good luck.

[icecreamwithflake]

I know but it's not a bad life exactly.

I mean I have food clothes a roof. I get that.

What I don't have is anybody. And never have or will and its that really at the heart of it all.

[RudeElf]

Ok this may come across as rude and it really isnt meant that way because its one of the things i use to give myself a boot in the hole when i'm feeling useless. But do you ever think of people who have achieved wonderful success despite really bad odds. I think of people who maybe have no physical ability, like stephen hawkings, or a girl i once saw who had a rare condition that meant her entire body was frozen solid. She runs a fashion website from her bed. Or people who had a really bad start in life, dont laugh but i always think of eminem because he had such a shitty start in life, made some vey bad choices and could have gone down a very different path like so many in his situation yet he managed to take what he had been through and make it his fortune. I always think if they can be so successful despite really bad odds then i can manage to hold down a pretty normal life. It always works in giving me the nudge i need to give my head a wobble and appreciate how lucky i am to not be in a worse situation.

[icecreamwithflake]

Thank you but I couldn't go to the doctor, I really couldn't.

It's really lovely of you to say those things about me but it's not enough to base a life on, I wish it was.

[HPsauciness]

Could you make an appointment with your dr to talk about your depression?

If not, why not?

If you are already under the supervision of the dr, go back and ask for a review and say it isn't working.

Take care., you sound like a lovely person just in a bad place.