to think she's a big selfish meanie?

[WotsitSandwich]

I have an important group presentation at uni coming up in a couple of weeks. The day before is my baby's christening and first birthday party.

We had a choice of three dates for the presentation, said we would go for the first one to get it out the way, all fine. I didn't realise that it was the day after DDs christening otherwise I would have asked to do it on one of the other dates.

I have lots of family flying down from all over the UK - some I haven't seen in years. My best friend who's in the army has also got it off so it will be the first time I've seen her in over a year. I probably have got a bit carried away with it tbh - it's turned into a kind of mini festival tons of food, a big barbecue, bouncy castles and ball pits, bubble machines, a slush puppy machine etc etc but we've budgeted for it and are so looking forward to the day. It's mostly my family that are coming from far away so DP said he will take DD home at bedtime and I can party the night away!

Only a week ago I realised the date problem. I work bloody hard at uni to get top grades and I definitely couldn't do the presentation with a hangover or on lack of sleep so I would have to leave all the people I know and love at a party I paid a ton for about 9 o clock while they all carried on having fun and getting drunk. So, I asked my lecturer if my group agreed, could we change the date - he said of course! I asked my group - 4 of the girls said no problem, it's a once in a lifetime thing. One of the girls said no - she's going to Amsterdam the following week (in term time which isn't allowed obviously) and won't do it the week after as she doesn't want to have to think about it while she's away

I actually begged her to change her mind and she had a go at me, saying I was unfair to put all this guilt on her. We get on reasonably well - I listen to all her inane relationship dramas on the train every day when I just want to listen to music and give her advice (on how to stop getting with other people when she has a boyfriend ).

If it was me, I would go out of my way to help someone out and even if I did want to get it over and done with before my holiday, I would just suck it up and realise that my loss is much less than theirs (I.e me). Is it a British thing? She's Swedish. I don't think I could physically let somebody plead with me like that and not say yes out of pure politeness!

I know there's nothing I can do.. I guess I can stay sober and leave about 11. It just wasn't how I had planned it and I am feeling sad.I know it's my fault for not realising in the first place. But is she just the most teensy weensy bit unreasonable for not just agreeing to change the bloody date? It's not like I'm asking to change it to a date that's closer! She can just do all the work before her holiday and spend an hour the day before when she's home refreshing her memory on what she's going to say surely!?

Either way my bloody headphones are staying firmly in on every train ride from now on

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

You're actually being really unreasonable and selfish. I'm quite surprised at it. It's almost as though you think your life and reasons are more important, which really isn't fair.

[WotsitSandwich]

I guess she's not being unreasonable, she's just not going out of her way to do me a favour like I do her and the rest of the group.

So I won't be unreasonable to stop helping her out all the bloody time! And do it pissed. Grow up shmow up

[incandescentalright]

I think YABU actually. If I'm understanding correctly, she has booked to go away and is therefore unavailable for the next date, and she wants to prepare for the presentation the weekend before it therefore doesn't want to the final date because she'll be partying in Amsterdam and doesn't want to have to do her presentation then. That sounds totally reasonable - maybe she wants to get top grades too! Not sure why you feel your party is more important than her holiday, or why your doing well is more important than her doing well. She's planned her holiday around uni commitments, you've failed to plan your party around uni commitments - why should she ruin either her holiday or her grades because of that?

[kaitlinktm]

OK so she doesn't have to change dates - you picked the original date, it was your mistake etc etc - but I think you now know who will return favours and do things for you and who won't; and you know now not to go out of your way for her again or do her any particular favours - whilst remaining perfectly civil of course!

[DoreenLethal]

Are you writing the presentation proof reading it and presenting it? In that case, why are you asking them at all, just get it changed.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I guess she's not being unreasonable, she's just not going out of her way to do me a favour like I do her and the rest of the group.

Nice attitude.

[WotsitSandwich]

doesn't want to the final date because she'll be partying in Amsterdam and doesn't want to have to do her presentation then.

No. She gets home 2 days before the final date that she doesn't want to swap to.

[WotsitSandwich]

OK so she doesn't have to change dates - you picked the original date, it was your mistake etc etc - but I think you now know who will return favours and do things for you and who won't; and you know now not to go out of your way for her again or do her any particular favours - whilst remaining perfectly civil of course!

Yes yes. This is exactly my train of thought.

[incandescentalright]

She gets home 2 days before the final date that she doesn't want to swap to.

Yeah that's my point - she wants to prepare the presentation properly rather than prep it two weeks in advance, then have to go over it again when she comes back from her break. That seems perfectly reasonable and sensible to me.

[WotsitSandwich]

Are you writing the presentation proof reading it and presenting it? In that case, why are you asking them at all, just get it changed.

No no, I just meant on informal things they plead with me to get up and speak. And ask me for help with every assignment. They have to present their individual parts for this as its graded individually. But I'm proof reading and designing the entire PowerPoint for the whole group.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Exactly right. She wants her holiday after the hardwork: the way she planned. Nothing selfish about that, in fact it is completely reasonable and normal.

[HermioneWeasley]

If you're doing all the prep work, the others can present.

Send a message to the group along the lines of

"Unfortunately since we've not been able to change the date, I will be there but won't be presenting - it will be a good opportunity to hear from others in the group anyway! I will of course contribute by preping the slides as agreed and I need your input by [ridiculously early date]"

[WotsitSandwich]

Nice attitude.

Really? I don't think I'm being unpleasant. I have a baby, and a job, and a house to run. Yet I still go out of my way to help them all out with anything they need as I'm actually a nice person. I'm just saying that I won't necessarily go out of my way to help her anymore. It's her prerogative to say no as you've all said, but it's also mine. I don't think that means I have an attitude problem.

[DoreenLethal]

But I'm proof reading and designing the entire PowerPoint for the whole group.

Well dont then.

Say 'unfortunately, as we cant put the date back i wont have time to do this so please all make sure your sections are done on x background and formatted into y font. 'And stop helping them out. She doesnt know a good thing when she sees it, so just put an end to it.

[WotsitSandwich]

If you're doing all the prep work, the others can present.

Send a message to the group along the lines of

"Unfortunately since we've not been able to change the date, I will be there but won't be presenting - it will be a good opportunity to hear from others in the group anyway! I will of course contribute by preping the slides as agreed and I need your input by [ridiculously early date]"

I would love to be able to do that. But we all have to present individually for 5 minutes and get graded individually. It's just on different theories looking at the same topic. So my doing all the PowerPoint stuff for them has no bearing at all on my grade - just helping them out.

[Xmasbaby11]

Yabu.

[WotsitSandwich]

Say 'unfortunately, as we cant put the date back i wont have time to do this so please all make sure your sections are done on x background and formatted into y font. 'And stop helping them out. She doesnt know a good thing when she sees it, so just put an end to it.

That's what I want to do. But is it not really passive aggressive? And unfair on the rest of the group?

[Jessesbitch]

I have presented at conferences and taught with a hangover. It was fine.

I'd set myself an acceptable limit and stick to it. One I had to leave house around 9am, my friend was visiting and we were going out for dinner. I set myself a limit of 1 bottle of wine and bed by 1.30am. Ended up drinking tea and eating cake at midnight and had a ball.

[DoreenLethal]

What about it being unfair on you?

You have a family, job, house and a big party coming up. Where is the consideraton back? No fucking way would i be doing shit for them any more.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Yes I do think she's mean, but no I don't think you should make the others suffer because of her. I certainly wouldn't be giving her all the help you've been giving her up til now. She shouldn't be going on holidays in term time, that's just part of being a student.

I would still just enjoy the party though. It's five minutes, prepare to the nth degree beforehand, be in bed by 2am, have some redbull and toast for breakfast and sleep it off afterwards!

[EverySongbirdSays]

"If I had remembered at the time"

This sentence is enough to declare YABU it's her christening and birthday and so important you want to move dates but you didn't remember to start with???

Have everything prepped, enjoy the full night to the fullest. Woman up and do the presentation hungover. If all the work is there it shouldn't matter.

[Allbymyselfagain]

Sorry but yes I think she is being a meanie and I personally would now refuse to do anymore than the necessary. No favours, no help, no presenting just because they don't want to. I understand when you get all the family together time just disappears and you don't want to have to clock watch to go to bed on time.

I think I'd reply to everyone in the group and say something like, as we can't change the date and I have to prep for the christening and birthday party I will be unable to proof read and format your presentations etc.

[DoctorDoctor]

No, it's not unfair on the rest of the group. If you're graded individually (badly designed assessment in my view then) they can all sort their own bits out. What year of your degree course is this?

[Littleallovertheshop]

YABU