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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh really should have discussed this with me first

54 replies

piebaldponies · 10/04/2016 17:08

Dh had been applying in a fairly competitive field for a while, and getting brilliant feedback but lack of specific experience was holding him back. In other words it was a catch 22 of - great application but we gave it to someone with experience.

He applied for a job in a less competitive area of the country which just happened to me 300 miles away from our home Hmm and got it.

I had to leave MY job ( was planning to anyway this was what he kept saying) and move with our little boy who was 18 months.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 10/04/2016 17:09

He definitely should have mentioned it first - I'd have been livid!

Were you planning on leaving your job?

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 17:09

When did this happen?

AyeAmarok · 10/04/2016 17:10

Have you already moved and you're still annoyed about it?

Have you not settled in well and feel very unsupported by him?

PPie10 · 10/04/2016 17:10

Has he already taken the job and you've moved already? You could have said something about it or not decided to give up your job.

Dellarobia · 10/04/2016 17:12

Were you planning to leave your job?

If so, I think he wasn't being unreasonable to apply, although he should be expecting a serious conversation before he actually accepted.

If not, he was being unreasonable to apply!

Original poster
piebaldponies · 10/04/2016 17:18

But shouldn't you discuss with your partner before going for a job where such a massive move would be necessary even if you don't even know if you'll be offered it? I just feel angry when I think about it.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/04/2016 17:19

Yes bit maybe if you were not going to be working as you were leaving your job and he couldn't get a job where you lived, he had to work somewhere and beggars can't be choosers.

Original poster
piebaldponies · 10/04/2016 17:22

He did have a job, it just wasn't quite in the field he wanted.

would you honestly be okay with your husband coming home and casually saying 'by the way darling we are moving to Cardiff/London/Edinburgh/dublin'?

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 10/04/2016 17:23

Maybe he didn't want to say he was applying incase he didn't get it and it caused a big row over nothing?

I still don't understand why you just went along with it, though. Why did you feel you had to give up everything and move on his say-so? Confused

incandescentalright · 10/04/2016 17:23

Well you didn't/don't have to leave your job/move just because he got the job. I don't think it was incumbent on him to talk to you before he applied, though it doesn't say much for his level of communication that he didn't. There's no point having a serious conversation until there's a job offer imo. At the point he got the job offer you should have discussed it and decided if it was right for you all. But it's worrying that you felt like you didn't have a choice when he decided you should move if that's what happened.

curren · 10/04/2016 17:24

No I wouldn't be happy.

But if I was leaving my job anyway and it meant he could have a job he really wanted. I would do it.

But if I wasn't happy I would have voiced it at the time. Before we moved and decided if this was a deal breaker.

I wouldn't have moved and kept on getting angry about it.

TiredOfSleep · 10/04/2016 17:25

I think it wasn't totally unreasonable to apply without telling you, but once he was offered an interview he should have discussed it, and certainly not accepted without a long discussion.

AyeAmarok · 10/04/2016 17:25

If you weren't happy about it, why did you go? Did you not say anything before he accepted/you moved?

JennyOnAPlate · 10/04/2016 17:25

Presumably you could have said no to moving?

Abed · 10/04/2016 17:28

Have you already moved?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2016 17:28

I agree it should not have come as a complete surprise, once he was offered an interview surely that would be the time to talk to you about relocation.

Original poster
piebaldponies · 10/04/2016 17:29

I guess I could yeah, I suppose I was BU :)

OP posts:
PPie10 · 10/04/2016 17:30

But you went along with it so you only have yourself to blame. The time to speak up was way before you moved not now after you made the choice to do so.

scallopsrgreat · 10/04/2016 17:32

Why did you feel you couldn't say no piebald?

But no I wouldn't expect my partner to come home and tell us we were moving. He was being completely unreasonable and dictatorial.

curren · 10/04/2016 17:33

What's was the conversation when he told you?

anyoldname76 · 10/04/2016 17:34

It seems like you both need to work on communication. if you didnt want to move you should have said so.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 17:35

You're very unclear, OP!

Did you know he was applying for that job? If he applied secretively, then of course it's wrong, but if you knew he was applying and agreed it was fine for him to do so, then it's fine.

You haven't told us enough for us to be able to make a decision.

allegretto · 10/04/2016 17:35

OP I sympathise! We were planning on moving abroad for a six month placement a few years ago. DH applied for a position at work without telling me which meant that we had to stay in the country for three years (and basically could no longer go abroad even afterwards as DS had started school). I only found out because a friend congratulated me on his success Envy TBH it felt like a major betrayal and I still haven't really got over it - hope you can.

LunaLunaLovegood · 10/04/2016 17:37

Eh? If DH came home and said 'I've got a new job and we're moving house' I'd say 'no we aren't'.

Original poster
piebaldponies · 10/04/2016 17:38

glad I am not alone allegretto!

he just came home one day - "Hey I got the job!"
"Excellent!"
"it's in XXX"

OP posts: