Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think it was not my DM's place to comment?

81 replies

crunchymummy · 10/04/2016 15:27

Ok so after having DS by EMCS, me and DS were in hospital for three days. DP and DM took turns staying with me during the night and both DM and DP visited me every single day and spent as much time as possible with me, DM even took annual leave to be there and drove the 4 hour journey between where I live and where she lives. When it came to the day we were discharged DM had just spent the night with me and DS and we weren't expecting to be discharged on that day so it came as a surprise, I told DP who was very pleased we were coming home. DP doesn't drive so the original plan was that DP would catch a ride with his mum and dad who were visiting me at 1pm and DP would then stay on the night, but we were discharged at 11am so obviously no visit from DP's mum and dad at 1pm. My DM can drive and the obvious answer to me and DP was that DM would drive me and DS home and stay the night round at my house but DM was not happy with this and thought that DP should get taxi or catch a lift of someone because he should see me and DS come out of hospital, this was her idea as I was MORE than happy at DP staying at home and making sure everything was clean and tidy for our arrival back home. DM commented to say, "I can't believe he's not going to see his son out of hospital." and rolled her eyes, it doesn't sound more than an innocent comment but the tone she said it was implied that DP was lazy and a bad father for not being there, when both me and DP were perfectly happy with the arrangement of I come home with my DM (we were discharged and could leave straight away) rather than DP catch taxi, catch a lift of someone, as DM would have to drive back to ours anyway, and DP stay home and make sure everything looks good.

AIBU to have told DM that it is not her place to comment?

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/04/2016 17:58

YABU

Your mother has been incredibly helpful. And without wishing to play the woe is me card - I've had 3 C-sections and never had anyone stay with me - in fact am pretty sure it wasn't allowed.

But you've just had a baby so congratulations!

I do think as an aside that people of a certain generation - which is probably the over 40's find it odd that people can't drive.

GabiSolis · 10/04/2016 17:59

Totally disagree. I had one driving parent and one non driver. Didn't miss out at all and benefitted greatly from walking places. Not to mention that this was not the issue in the OP at all as the OP wasn't bothered if he was there or not. OH wouldn't have been at the hospital at that time anyway so OP's DM would've driven her home anyway.

Any thread that even mentions someone who doesn't drive, even if it's in no way relevant to the issue at hand, always comes back to driving being a life skill when it isn't.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/04/2016 18:07

Milestone I can understand if baby has been ill or was early, otherwise it's a perfectly normal journey.

MrsBobDylan · 10/04/2016 18:11

Just let it go - your mum has spent the night sleeping in a chair and is probably feeling tired and as though she's earnt herself the right to have an opinion. She hasn't of course, but I'd just nod and move on.

Congratulations on your DS!

arethereanyleftatall · 10/04/2016 18:15

I think my only comments to a Dm who has done everything she has would be 'thank you. So much.'

To travel 4 hours, to sleep on a chair whilst getting up every few hours to attend a baby, goes way way beyond what the vast majority of mothers would get. Most would be on their own overnight, apart from whatever help you get off nurses.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/04/2016 18:16

Driving is NOT part of being an adult! It's great if you can and do but fine if you don't.

I think people forget just how much it costs now to learn, it's a huge out lay plus for some people learning is just not an option.

HanYOLO · 10/04/2016 18:25

Whether he can drive or not is entirely by the by. Driving is neither a life skill nor a prerequisite for good parenting.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 10/04/2016 18:29

I've had 3 c sections and nobody stayed with me . You can't get out of bed for max 12-24 hours, during which time the midwife changes the baby or brings them to you. Everyone is such a bloody special snowflake these days. Sigh.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/04/2016 18:36

Blimey, your hospital is very accommodating isn't it

Your DM has gone waaaaay above and beyond, tavelling 4 hours to see you more than once, sleeping in a hospital bed and helping you (how?!) with DS, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to then go home in a taxi. What's the problem with a cab?!

And I have to agree, extenuating circumstances aside (out of the country etc), absolutely your DP should bring you and his son home from hospital, it's a momentous occasion!

Original poster

crunchymummy · 10/04/2016 18:36

Thanks for all the replies, I did feel guilty so have apologised since, she understands as is stressful time for everyone involved, we're ok now :) She's gone back home but plans to visit in a couple of weeks!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream I was just answering as honestly as I could, there were other complications and in my situation I was bed bound for longer - it wasn't that I was being a "special snowflake" I haven't asked for any special circumstances, it was just the situation on my ward, my DM and DP wanted to stay and no-one told them otherwise.

OP posts:

Arkwright · 10/04/2016 18:37

I can't believe you were allowed overnight visitors. Ours had to leave by 8p.m. even when my Dd was born at tea-time. I do think it's odd your Dh didn't want to be there when you left the hospital. It's a big part of having a baby to me anyway.

KathySelden · 10/04/2016 18:38

My husband and mum stayed with me to. Often midwives and nurses are too busy nowadays, after my c section I only saw a midwife at shift change over. If anything having them help me helped free them up to help others who didn't have the support. Also current thinking is DH or DPs should be with mums who have an extended stay as it is an important time to bond.

KathySelden · 10/04/2016 18:41

Oh and YABU but probably due to tiredness etc. You will have many more opinions being thrown your way and will just need to toughen up. Your mum has helped you massively and was probably tired to, couple with her preset ideas on what should happen she probably spoke without thinking, I would just let it go.

saoirse31 · 10/04/2016 18:48

They stayed overnight? Wow... Congrats on your baby. From sound of op both you and dp rely v much on both of ur parents which is nice but does give u less right to object to irritating comments

spanky2 · 10/04/2016 18:49

Your dm has gone to a lot of effort to look after you. I wish my mum was like that. I agree with her. I'd have been gutted if dh didn't pick me and ds up up to take home. You owe her an apology as she's done a lot for you and made one comment of her opinion. You don't have to agree with her.
Congratulations on the safe arrival of your ds.

AnthonyPandy · 10/04/2016 18:49

Well. I think that as a mil and grandmother, your mother should perfect the art of keeping her mouth shut and opinions to herself. It was brilliant that she was there for you but it sounds like she volunteered it, no one asked her to do all that driving, sleeping in a chair etc. It is not her baby and the parents of the baby were both happy with the arrangements.

I don't think not being a driver is a particular disadvantage, me and my husband could both drive when we had babies but could not afford a car.

Be careful she does not feel the urge to give her opinion on too many things, this is your baby and your chance to cock it up in your own way (this is the best bit of parenting, working out how to do it your way).

When I think back as to who has been a help over the years and who hasn't I always think best of the people who allowed me space to work it out myself, and if that means agreeing with my own husband and father of my child that he would not fetch me and our newborn from hospital then so be it. I read it as he did intend to do it but it was only the timing of the doctor that made it impractical anyway.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 10/04/2016 18:57

After everything she did for you you're going to tell her off for one comment, one opinion? How ungrateful can you be?

And not her place to comment? She's your mother, she can comment on what she likes. Have some respect.

Esspee · 10/04/2016 20:45

Congratulations on your new little darling. Your mother has been wonderful and simply expressed an opinion that on such a momentous occasion as baby coming home for the first time it is normal for dad to be there. It is something that will never happen again. You two didn't feel that way which is fine but you behaved badly in reacting as you did. You should respect any advice your mother gives you in the future, you may not agree with her but do realise that she has experience and deserves respect for caring as much as she obviously does.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 10/04/2016 20:47

kathy my c sections were 'nowadays'. In my hospital no overnight visitors are allowed and you call a midwife to help you with the baby. That's what they're there for. OP you didn't mention complications, you just said you were bed bound for 2 days and nights due to a c section. Which is not ordinarily the case.

SanityAssassin · 10/04/2016 21:04

LettingAgent It is a complete myth that you can't drive for 6 weeks after a CS. You can drive when you feel ready. Check with your insurance company if you wish but they will think you are bonkers! (2 CS here)

TheBouquets · 10/04/2016 21:28

On the other hand I got moaned at for taking the new mum and baby home without delaying it so that the new dad could be there.

There is so much stress and irritability around a new baby that I wonder what to do. If you do too much or too little either way there is going to be a moan.
In this case the mum dashed down a 4 hour drive, cramped herself up sleeping in a chair and then is expected to say nothing at all. No age is given for the new grandmother but I know these hospital chair are sweat inducing and yucky. The new grandmother did as much as she could to help her daughter. There is no need to create ill feeling with a comment about watching out that the GM does not taking to passing too many comments. The alternative is to do everything alone without having your mum as chauffeur, room mate, child minder, nurse and general factotum. Meanwhile the new dad cant even organise a taxi etc.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/04/2016 21:51

Perhaps for this family a taxi is a considered expense they would rather not spend if they do not have to.

TheBouquets · 10/04/2016 22:51

After a C Section I doubt if the OP could have walked home. The choice had to come down to her mum, his parents or a taxi. Oh I forgot maybe she could have got a bus or train. Hardly suitable transportation for a new born.
It is unreasonable to expect this OP Mum to run about do the best she can and still shut up when it suits the grown up kids! She, the new grandmother, was not even thinking after the worries the sleeplessness etc.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/04/2016 23:07

None of those options require a taxi two ways as an essential.

Only one of them retires it one way.

Say the taxi journey is £30 each way (my house to the nearest hospital would cost about that) if the op has to take a taxi £30 may be doable £60 may make it incredibly hard to manage, you have to spend the £60 if you really have to but if you only really need to spend the £30 many people would totally understandably prioritise what they have to spend rather than what would be nice.

The same applies if the taxi journey is cheaper and you are broke

TheBouquets · 10/04/2016 23:17

Mostly new dads go to the hospital to bring home the new mum and new baby. I would have thought that the dad could have got the bus/train to the hospital and then the new grandmother could have driven everyone home.
I know that people can be tight for cash but this is an event which is 9 months in the planning. The actual timing of leaving the hospital is not material the fact that all being well the new baby and mum would at some time have to be brought home,
There is no point in NeedASockAmnesty and me to get riled up about this. I think the dad should have made a bit of effort which is more necessary than it is to say that the grandmother needs watched for any more comments which are not liked by MNs. The grandmother has proved her worth but the dad wont collect the baby and mum? Dad needs to brighten up his act.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread