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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it was not my DM's place to comment?

81 replies

crunchymummy · 10/04/2016 15:27

Ok so after having DS by EMCS, me and DS were in hospital for three days. DP and DM took turns staying with me during the night and both DM and DP visited me every single day and spent as much time as possible with me, DM even took annual leave to be there and drove the 4 hour journey between where I live and where she lives. When it came to the day we were discharged DM had just spent the night with me and DS and we weren't expecting to be discharged on that day so it came as a surprise, I told DP who was very pleased we were coming home. DP doesn't drive so the original plan was that DP would catch a ride with his mum and dad who were visiting me at 1pm and DP would then stay on the night, but we were discharged at 11am so obviously no visit from DP's mum and dad at 1pm. My DM can drive and the obvious answer to me and DP was that DM would drive me and DS home and stay the night round at my house but DM was not happy with this and thought that DP should get taxi or catch a lift of someone because he should see me and DS come out of hospital, this was her idea as I was MORE than happy at DP staying at home and making sure everything was clean and tidy for our arrival back home. DM commented to say, "I can't believe he's not going to see his son out of hospital." and rolled her eyes, it doesn't sound more than an innocent comment but the tone she said it was implied that DP was lazy and a bad father for not being there, when both me and DP were perfectly happy with the arrangement of I come home with my DM (we were discharged and could leave straight away) rather than DP catch taxi, catch a lift of someone, as DM would have to drive back to ours anyway, and DP stay home and make sure everything looks good.

AIBU to have told DM that it is not her place to comment?

OP posts:

MrsFrankRicard · 10/04/2016 16:34

What tiredofsleep said, however her eye rolling and the way she said it was unnecessary. Your DM sounds overly involved for my liking but hey that's just me, you seem happy with it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/04/2016 16:39

Let it go, she's probably shattered too. Congrats BTW

swampytiggaa · 10/04/2016 16:44

Congratulations on your new baby!

As an aside I would have been horrified if there had been non patients on the ward overnight when I had my kids and would probably have put in a complaint sorry.

BirthdayBetty · 10/04/2016 16:49

As pp have stated, she was probably knackered and stressed. Don't read too much into it. Congrats on ds

witsender · 10/04/2016 16:53

Tbh, you have deeply involved her to date...so telling her it isn't her place to comment now seems harsh, you involved her! Just let it go.

witsender · 10/04/2016 16:54

And I agree with Swampy...I wouldn't have wanted multiple guests on a shared ward. It definitely wouldn't have been allowed anyway.

pigsDOfly · 10/04/2016 16:59

From your OP I take it you have already told your DM that it's not her 'place' to comment. That's a very harsh way to talk to someone who made a passing comment on the situation because she probably wants you to be supported by your DP and wants to feel she can go back to her own home knowing he's doing all he can for you.

She's done so much to support you since your baby was born, a little gratitude and perhaps a 'thank you mum' might show you in a better light than pulling her up like a child for a throw away comment she made.

PerspicaciaTick · 10/04/2016 17:01

She is your mum. She has probably been frantically worried about you (now I've been through childbirth, I think I would be terribly worried about my DD going through the experience until I knew everyone was safe). She has been running around after you and your DH. She is knackered. Maybe she should have bitten her tongue, but FFS she loves you and wants the best for you and the baby and the wrong thing popped out. Just cut her some slack.

Wherediditland · 10/04/2016 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/04/2016 17:11

I'm stunned the hospital allowed over night guests, I'd have complained too. (Off topic!)

Sunshine87 · 10/04/2016 17:12

I just had a baby on Monday and my DH couldn't wait to proudly take DS home. I totally get what your DM is saying its a moment you just don't get back the feeling that this child is yours to take home love and nurture. It's a moment to cherish together as parents who equally made that child together by leaving the hospital. I would just let it go and move forward but don't be too hard on your DM she's been there for you when you needed her.

diddl · 10/04/2016 17:15

Tbh I'm with your mum.

All your OH had to do was get his arse to hospital & she would take you all home.

Why wouldn't a father want to do that given the chance?

Penfold007 · 10/04/2016 17:16

Your mum sounds utterly amazing and supportive. If she'd suggested your DP stay at home you'd have still been upset with her. Congratulations on your new baby, be kind to your mum you are all sleep deprived. I've had two EMCS and no one was allowed to stay overnight.

diddl · 10/04/2016 17:23

I think that you were really rude to your mum.

What would you have done had she not been there to take you home?

fusionconfusion · 10/04/2016 17:24

And once more, for luck:

"You are totally and utterly overthinking this. But that's okay as your mind goes a bit wobbly with a newborn especially on such little sleep! Don't give it another thought though please."

Pick your battles. You need her, she was exhausted too, you're all a bit up in the air, it's not that big a deal.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/04/2016 17:25

She has really done over and beyond for you staying overnight in hospital. Cut her some slack.

Mum and dad leaving the hospital and taking their dc home for the first time, taking some pictures is a milestone for many. She maybe thought he'd want to be there for it, but just worded it badly.

You have a baby now and everyone is going to comment and however well meaning sometime put their foot in it, you need to let it go in one ear and out the other.

(also amazed you had them staying overnight in a ward with other new mums, I had EMCS under GA and immobile due to epidural, catheter fitted and I wasn't allowed anyone to stay. the nurses took good care of ds/me as needed)

LettingAgentNightmare · 10/04/2016 17:43

Unless he has a medical reason, why can't he drive? You can't drive for 6 weeks after a c section, so it's going to be difficult. I do think, as a parent, you need to drive. Relying on your parents for lift when you are a parent yourself is not a great way to live.

Your Mum has done a lot for you, I think you should cut her some slack.

GabiSolis · 10/04/2016 17:45

LettingAgent - the OP's OH shouldn't have to drive if he doesn't want to. It has no baring whatsoever on parenting ability.

coconutpie · 10/04/2016 17:45

I'm with your mum. Unless there was some emergency, then he should have been there to accompany you and your new baby out of hospital.

Also, cut your mum some slack. She has been hugely supportive already, she's probably exhausted herself from staying overnight in the hospital with presumably no bed to rest in. It's not normal for any mum to have overnight visitors in hospital,
C-section or not so consider yourself lucky that it was an option for you.

I agree with others that it's all the just giving birth hormones that are playing havoc with your brain right now - your mum means well. Congrats by the way

curren · 10/04/2016 17:48

the OP's OH shouldn't have to drive if he doesn't want to. It has no baring whatsoever on parenting ability.

Personally I think that depends on wether you rely on other people to step in. If you do rely on others (and you are able to learn) you should learn to drive.

SisterMoonshine · 10/04/2016 17:48

After spending all night in a chair for no apparent reason and then he can't even get himself to the hospital, I think I might have made a quip like that too.

curren · 10/04/2016 17:48

Was this baby born recently. I an see everyone congratulating on the birth. But can't see in the OP of this happened recently or a while ago.

HanYOLO · 10/04/2016 17:51

Congratulations!

YABU to get in a huff about it

I don't particularly agree with your mum, if you were both fine with DP staying home then no need for him to traipse in.

Your mum's clearly been brilliant throughout, is probably knackered and has also had a stressful time. Perhaps she also felt that driving your newborn home was a responsbility she wasn't ready for. Say sorry (even if you don't feel it, particularly) and get on with enjoying your baby

LettingAgentNightmare · 10/04/2016 17:53

Actually Gabi it clearly does, when a new a Father can't even make it to the hospital without a lift from his parents.

When he has a wife who's had a c section and can't drive for 6 weeks.

When his child is older and wants to do clubs and go to parties at times when public transport is difficult.

All the parents I know who don't drive have children who are missing out, and the children know it and say! It's just part of being an adult.

Katedotness1963 · 10/04/2016 17:54

I think you're being a little unfair. She spent the first night sitting in a chair, has spent day and night with you since then, you are worried about your child, she's worried about her child and her grandchild, leaving the hospital does feel like a big deal to me and your partner missed it.

Everyone is tired, emotional, excited. Don't read too much into anything.

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