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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for 2 reasons

85 replies

ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 20:33

DH's Dad died this week 18 years ago.
DH has been acting like a prize prick for the last few days. He does this every year. Then when I call him on it, he says "don't you know what the date is" and I'm supposed to go "oh darling I am so sorry, of course it's the anniversary, do whatever you like"? I'm fecking sick of it.

Yesterday he went to the pub after work, despite telling me that he would be home in an hour, leaving me unable to do something that I had promised a friend I would do (I had the kids and could not have brought them with me to do this favour). He got home sometime around 2am. He was aware of the errand that I needed to run.
Today when I called him on it he shouted at me, called me a cunt in front of our 7 yr old, as well as calling me fat, stupid and a control freak. So I packed up and left with said 7 year old, am in a hotel, very much enjoying the peace.

There was an event planned for this evening in our house, which I was supposed to cater for, I'm sure he will order pizza or something - but I am feeling bad that I didn't show up to meet some of the people there, who I like and respect. I am sure that he will tell them some bullshit excuse re why I'm not there, but I don't want them to think that I didn't show up for selfish or invalid reasons.

So 1. would I BU to contact those that I would consider friends to tell them why I wasn't there so he doesn't tell them some bullshit about my selfishness/ rudeness?
and 2. is he BU for treating me like shit for several days and then telling me it's because he is grieving for his dead parent? He doesn't just behave like this when it's a close relative's anniversary by the way, but I'm sure you've sussed this.

OP posts:

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 09/04/2016 22:11

Cheap excuses for being a nasty twat. Get rid.

LeaLeander · 09/04/2016 22:19

to answer your question about telling your friends - yes, you would be unreasonable. Do them the courtesy of not dragging them into your marital issues. Nobody cares enough about the lack of catering or whatever last night to want to have intimate details about your conjugal quarrels foisted upon them. It's awkward and uncomfortable. Just keep it to "sorry, something unavoidable came up.."

VelvetSpoon · 09/04/2016 22:42

I think, with hindsight, planning any event at this time of year was probably a mistake.

I have a friend whose birthday is the day my mum died. Luckily, any celebrations have always been a couple of weeks after the event. If it was on/close to the date I'd find it very difficult to go, or be in any way involved.

Do I abdicate responsibility at that time of year? Actually yes, pretty much. I do things to suit myself, be that spend a day in bed watching Netflix or eat my weight in chocolate, or spend the day in tears. I think of it as being kind to myself. If I feel like leaving the house I do, but if not, I don't.

It's difficult to opine on any relationship based on a few posts alone. I don't think the anniversary gives him carte blanche to hurl abuse BUT I find your stance of 'it's not my problem to deal with' quite harsh OP. My relationship is a new one, but I feel we are a team in every way - his problems are mine and vice versa. I can't imagine continuing in a marriage where I didn't feel that we would work together.

I guess you could say that his continuing poor behaviour at this time/ generally has led you to be dismissive of him, or consider this is simply an excuse. However, I expect he might say that he feels unsupported/unheard, that he has tried to explain how distressed he is and doesn't feel heard, and his lashing out is the result. Clearly neither of you is happy at present, and that can't continue.

MidniteScribbler · 09/04/2016 22:43

I lost my mother 21 years ago, and my dad 7 years ago. I may get a bit quiet on those days, and sit and have a quiet wine or two after DS goes to bed, but losing a parent does not give someone the right to be a complete arsehole to anyone around them.

Pipbin · 09/04/2016 22:44

No sorry. He is being an abusive twat.

Sorry to be very hard hearted here but everyone's parents die. They do, that's a fact. You cannot use it as an excuse for a week long wallow in self pity. If everyone who had lost a parent was a twat for a week of the anniversary then there would be someone being a twat every damn day.
I can almost excuse it if his father died in horrific circumstances or if he was very young but even then for every year for 18 years is a bit much.

VelvetSpoon · 09/04/2016 23:26

Pipbin, it's pretty obvious you've not lost a parent.

Yes everyone's parents die. However, most people's parents die in old age. My colleague is mid 30s, still has both parents, and 3 of 4 grandparents. Has gone through all of life's challenges with a full complement of family members - graduation, wedding, birth of first child, etc, etc.

By 25 I'd lost all grandparents and both my parents. And that is fucking hard to deal with. Especially given I didn't know either parent was dying literally until hours before (as neither's illness was believed terminal).

If you lose one/both parents in your 20s, or younger, that's maybe 20 or 30 years before the expected norm. So you grieve - selfishly for what you have lost. But also for what they have lost too - the grandchildren they will never meet, the retirement they so looked forward to enjoying, etc. And that doesn't stop being painful, because the older you get the more you become conscious of all they have lost. And of your own mortality.

Pipbin · 09/04/2016 23:27

Pipbin, it's pretty obvious you've not lost a parent.

Oh is it now?

Original poster

ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 23:33

velvet, yes DH lost both parents quite young, via cancer. Very traumatic. Before he even met me, had kids, all that stuff.
I understand that this is a huge sadness for him. Yet his response at key dates (parents birthdays and anniversary of deaths) is to be mean, angry, drunk. I just give up to be quite honest. I've quite honestly done the "please talk to me, let me understand" thing. I'm over it. It's just an excuse IMO.
He doesn't even talk about his parents to our children. He never brings them to their grave. He never explains about his family background. I do all that.
Ok I'm ranting now (mini bar wine). I will concede that he probably talks to other friends who have experienced similar loss at a younger age, rather than me. But I'm his wife and even if he doesn't want to talk to me about his loss, he should at least cut the abuse.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 09/04/2016 23:35

So what about me then, Velvet? I'd lost all parents and grandparents by age 29.

I still grieve. I don't believe for a second that it is easier because someone's parents might be older. My mam was 3 months away from retirement when she died as a result of medical negligence following a routine day procedure.

I don't think anything gives you the right to treat people shabbily. Yes, we all have lapses of behaviour when stressed but calling the person you're supposed to love a 'cunt' is beyond the pale. And also, this behaviour isn't restricted to this anniversary anyway and so that just means the OP's h is a twat.

Peanut14 · 09/04/2016 23:37

YANBU ButtofaMonkey. An anniversary does not make it acceptable to treat you like he did, especially in front of your dc. I find it difficult that people are justifying it, yes grief affects us all differently but you shouldn't have to shrug off the personal attack.
I hope he apologises.

Crabbitface · 09/04/2016 23:46

Velvet I was fairly young when my dad died and my brother even younger (15). Neither of us feel the need to behave so badly despite being bereft.

AyeAmarok · 09/04/2016 23:49

YANBU.

He does sound like an abusive arse.

Your dinner date with your 7yo sounds like a really lovely evening.

Original poster

ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 23:58

Well DC aged 7 was very happy with our evening away, I told him it was a surprise and that I wanted to hang out with him - just before falling asleep he said "Mum I had a great day". He has adored it, going round the hotel room saying "oh look, they gave us free towels, and a free phone and a bath and everything".

OP posts:

Helloitsme88 · 10/04/2016 00:05

I lost my dad 7 months ago. I was horrible at first (was also heavily pregnant) but there's no way I would act like that now. I'm sorry but there's no excuse for going out till 2am when you have pre planned arrangements and don't let you OH know. Also there is NO excuse to call your partner a cunt, especially in front of a child.
Btw I lost a very close relative 6 years ago. I'm not actually sad on the anniversary. No, grief isn't annual. It comes in waves and it's bloody horrible there is never a set time to it. Your OH is just wallowing and behaving badly. I'm disgusted. Yes it's hard, it's the worst thing ever but wow. There is just no excuse. YANBU. He is BU

TheMaddHugger · 10/04/2016 00:07

(((((((Hugs)))))))) ButtofaMonkey --- I never thought thought i would ever type this sentence I mean, who in their right mind hugs the but of a monkey ?

Your Husband is either a complete Dick or he needs Grief therapy STAT [Yes I have lost a parent and my Mum is soon to be too but i hope not :( ]

OliviaDunham · 10/04/2016 00:08

My Nan died 16 years ago, every year it's like loosing her again, I cannot imagine how hard it is with a parent. As for calling you a cunt, not nice, but it's just a word imo, I'm not easily offended though - unlike most of MN

HeddaGarbled · 10/04/2016 00:52

He called her a cunt and fat and stupid but it's OK because OliviaDunham and apparently lots of you think these are just words and not in any way the behaviour of an abusive husband.

OliviaDunham · 10/04/2016 01:42

Yes, words don't offend me, nor do a lot of things that members of MN scream about.

Shelby2010 · 10/04/2016 01:52

Staying out until 2am (when you've said you'll be back in an hour) to wind your partner up & provoke an argument, isn't grieving - it's being a twat. Do you think he's twisted his grief to being resentful of you because you haven't lost your parents? If he was a good husband the rest of the time then this would be an annual 'blip' and kind of excusable. However, everything in your posts screams that this is repeated throughout the year for one reason or another & also that you are happier away from him. He doesn't sound like a very nice person at other times so just cut your losses & get out.

MidniteScribbler · 10/04/2016 01:52

Let me guess OliviaDunham, you are one of those people who claim to 'tell it like it is' and then think it's the other persons problem when they get upset?

Bluebolt · 10/04/2016 03:38

I could not be with anyone who is even capable of calling someone a cunt never mind that person being me.

TheVillagePost · 10/04/2016 07:21

No excuse for his behaviour. That is just abuse and grief is not an excuse, especially 18years later. Also, I think it's so unhealthy to remember death dates. I couldn't tell you the death date of any of my lost loved ones. Nicer by far to remember them if you see something they would have liked, or on their birthday, or if they just pop up in your head...

londonrach · 10/04/2016 07:31

There is no time limit on grief! For those thinking 18 years, i can feel still as raw as the day you lost someone no matter how many years go past. However he shouldnt have called you names end of story. On the fence here.

Chlobee87 · 10/04/2016 07:43

It is clear he is deeply affected by the anniversary yet you want him to shake this anniversary off like it is nothing.

Umm nope. OP isn't asking him to 'shake it off'. Just to refrain from abusing her and the children in their own home. I don't think she sounds unsympathetic. Unsympathetic would be him coming to her to discuss his feelings and her not caring enough to listen. This isn't what's happening. What's happening is that he is verbally abusive throughout the year but kicks it up a notch on this anniversary because he has a great excuse. If he does this every year then he must know it's a problem and should be taking steps to protect his family from his vicious temper.

Savagebeauty · 10/04/2016 07:48

He needs some help to deal with this behaviour. It's not normal .
It's like my ex using the "I'm depressed" card for excusing his EA and appalling disrespectful behaviour.

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