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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for 2 reasons

85 replies

ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 20:33

DH's Dad died this week 18 years ago.
DH has been acting like a prize prick for the last few days. He does this every year. Then when I call him on it, he says "don't you know what the date is" and I'm supposed to go "oh darling I am so sorry, of course it's the anniversary, do whatever you like"? I'm fecking sick of it.

Yesterday he went to the pub after work, despite telling me that he would be home in an hour, leaving me unable to do something that I had promised a friend I would do (I had the kids and could not have brought them with me to do this favour). He got home sometime around 2am. He was aware of the errand that I needed to run.
Today when I called him on it he shouted at me, called me a cunt in front of our 7 yr old, as well as calling me fat, stupid and a control freak. So I packed up and left with said 7 year old, am in a hotel, very much enjoying the peace.

There was an event planned for this evening in our house, which I was supposed to cater for, I'm sure he will order pizza or something - but I am feeling bad that I didn't show up to meet some of the people there, who I like and respect. I am sure that he will tell them some bullshit excuse re why I'm not there, but I don't want them to think that I didn't show up for selfish or invalid reasons.

So 1. would I BU to contact those that I would consider friends to tell them why I wasn't there so he doesn't tell them some bullshit about my selfishness/ rudeness?
and 2. is he BU for treating me like shit for several days and then telling me it's because he is grieving for his dead parent? He doesn't just behave like this when it's a close relative's anniversary by the way, but I'm sure you've sussed this.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 09/04/2016 21:14

I agree grief does not excuse his behaviour entirely.

I don't think however the onus should be entirely on him to discuss his feelings with the OP; if this is an annual pattern, has she never spoken to him about it? Tried to support him?

I've been in my current relationship for 2 years; he knows the dates of my parent's deaths and understands at those points in the year I may be a little unhinged (and is sensitive to it/ tries to pre-empt it).

My previous partner considered that I was making a fuss/ wallowing if I ever got upset or distressed about my parents, whether around the time of their deaths or generally. That actually made me feel significantly worse, and we may well have had arguments at that time as a result. I didn't use the C word but I probably called him a fucking insensitive idiot.

According to some on this thread, i'm in the wrong for that?!

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 09/04/2016 21:18

It's difficult to categorize grief. But I don't think grief 18 years after the fact is an excuse to be a prize douche and abusive.

zeezeek · 09/04/2016 21:20

His behaviour wasn't reasonable no, but I also realise that I'm a complete bitch to everyone in the weeks leading up to my late fiancé s death nearly 30 years ago. It is something about the time of year....for me, it starts at New Year - the last time we were happy together, to the middle of Jan when I went back to Uni and left him behind - not realising I'd never see him again. Then to Valentine's Day when he didn't contact me and left me angry - to the 17th Feb when his body was found. It's like a loop that goes around in my head every year and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

During those weeks my beloved DH is always in the wrong and the kids are given a hard time. The eldest now sort of understands, but it's still tough on the little one. I'd love to not be like this. I've had therapy, anti depressants, I've tried not being in the UK then, but it stays with me and there's nothing I can do to stop the pain.

Maybe your husband feels that way too.

IthinkIamsinking · 09/04/2016 21:21

Hedda
What has Saturday night got to do with it?
If you read my post I said he shouldn't have called the OP names.
Strange isn't it when people offer a range of viewpoints on an internet forum Hmm

Original poster
ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 21:29

Thank you ZeeZee for your perspective.
To those who thought I had called him names to his face, I did not. Only on this thread.
To those who asked if I have spoken to him about his grief, the death of his dad etc, yes I have, I have asked him to talk to me about it often. He tells me I don't get it and I won't until one of my parents die. To be honest, I don't bother asking him any more as I have no empathy for someone who acts like he does and then uses grief as an excuse.

OP posts:
IthinkIamsinking · 09/04/2016 21:31

What do you think you will do now OP?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 09/04/2016 21:33

The OP is not lacking in empathy. How can you be empathetic towards a person who uses grief as an excuse to behave abusively?

I lost my DM in February. I have not find any excuse to call my DH a cunt and don't need one because it is shit behaviour regardless of the circumstances. Neither shall I be using the anniversary of her death next year or in eighteen years' time as an excuse to behave like an ignorant, selfish prick toward my family with impunity.

Don't bother going back, OP.

228agreenend · 09/04/2016 21:38

13 years ago my eldest son was taken seriously ill, with kidney failure. He's fine now, but around the anniversary of when it happened, I'm always more sensitive, especially if it snows (as it did then).

I think if the outburst and changed behaviour is out of character and only happens around the anniversary, then you be more forgiving. Time does heal, but it never goes away, and certain triggers such as anniversaries can bring it to the forefront again.

Why can't you be more sympathetic? Maybe his outburst would be lessened if you were more empathetic.

i do think going to a hotel and not being there when you are hosting an event is a bit extreme. You should have cancelled it, rather than draw your friends into your feud. I think,he has every right to make up an excuse, because you are the one that stormed out, not him.

The language he used wasn't appropriate, but I think you could be a forgiving.

Original poster
ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 21:38

ithinkiamsinking I will go back home tomorrow, pick up DC1, bring DC2 home, do the usual Sunday stuff with the kids then get them ready for school, get ready for work etc and see what he does. He will probably have a massive hangover and sleep all day.

OP posts:
zeezeek · 09/04/2016 21:40

I do wish you luck OP. I think that I probably screamed something similar yo my DH about not understanding suicide unless he had a partner kill themselves. It's true, but shitty and I know I'm shitty, but it's so overwhelming. Just hang in there and when this time has passed maybe try and have a calm conversation. That's what my DH did with me one particularly bad year and I ended up seeking counselling. But that's just my experience- still, after 18 years, maybe talking to someone would help him. Good luck.

IthinkIamsinking · 09/04/2016 21:41

How can you be empathetic towards a person who uses grief as an excuse to behave abusively?

Clearly the OP's partner has issues around the death of his father so it may be he needs to seek professional help to manage his feelings and avoid abusive behaviour if he wants to keep his family together.

228agreenend · 09/04/2016 21:42

And what does Saturday night have to do with amything?

Speakingmymind · 09/04/2016 21:44

YABVU

and I'm supposed to go "oh darling I am so sorry, of course it's the anniversary, do whatever you like"?

In this case, yes. I suspect his lashing out was due to your complete lack of giving a crap for what he is going though. You have zero empathy for him. I truly pity him for having to live with such a person as you when he is going through such a hard time.

It is clear he is deeply affected by the anniversary yet you want him to shake this anniversary off like it is nothing. You plan an outing knowing that it is a difficult time of year for him = you don't give a crap for what he is going through. Maybe try and support and understand him instead if focussing on yourself.

Crabbitface · 09/04/2016 21:47

That actually made me feel significantly worse, and we may well have had arguments at that time as a result. I didn't use the C word but I probably called him a fucking insensitive idiot.

Calling someone a "fucking insensitive idiot" is a way of pulling them up for a specific thing they have done - a behaviour they have displayed.

Calling someone a "fat, stupid cunt" is a personal attack designed to make the person hate themself.

There is a huge difference.

Crabbitface · 09/04/2016 21:51

Speakingmymind

This has been happening for 18 years - should the OP and her children really tolerate terrible behaviour EVERY SINGLE year because he refuses to deal with his grief. It is not normal to become abusive when you are grieving.

WanderingNotLost · 09/04/2016 21:52

I lost my Father just shy of a year and a half ago. I wouldn't dream of using my grief as carte blanche to be a complete bitch to my DP, and he certainly wouldn't put up with it if I did!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/04/2016 21:52

I can understand how someone who is grieving, either at the time of death or at a later anniversary, might be weepy or apathetic or snappy. I can't understand how that would make them verbally abusive.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 21:56

Buttofamonkey... YANBU

Your DH needs counselling and you both need to have some counseling together. Tell the counsellor how he acts towards you.

Regardless of grief, verbally abusing you in any way, especially in front of your child is not acceptable and how he has got away with this for 18 years is beyond me.
Tell him he's going to counselling so he can get help to grieve properly and not aim it at anyone. Losing your father makes you sad. It does not give you the right to abuse your wife like that.
Despicable man.

Original poster
ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 21:57

speakingmymind, the event planned was for him, and his family and friends, it is related to another family event and also to the anniversary. I suggested it, he thought it was a great idea to both celebrate the family event and remember the anniversary, then he messed it all up by acting like an asshole.

Fair enough, to those who think I am not empathetic, maybe I am not. But this behaviour occurs not just at anniversary times - I was wondering if I should excuse it because of the timing.

OP posts:
getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 22:00

May I also suggest you talk to someone about this situation for yourself. They can help you realise that this isn't how grief should be dealt with and probably give you the courage to leave should he continue to abuse his fathers death and use it as an excuse to make his wife feel like much less than the human being she really is.

I'm sorry but this angers me to read. How dare he. It's also insulting to his father to use his death in such away.

Original poster
ButtofaMonkey · 09/04/2016 22:01

getyourfinger I haven't known him for 18 years. In the initial years together he just went quiet and kept to himself. Now he is just abusive and angry. Maybe he needs counselling. I know he's already had counselling, I really don't care to recommend further counselling to him. It's not my problem to deal with to be quite honest. I need to protect my children and my household, he can sort himself out. Forgive me if that seems lacking in empathy.

OP posts:
Delacroix · 09/04/2016 22:04

Appropriate grieving methods do not include vanishing off into the pub until 2am unannounced, preventing others from doing the things they need to do, then calling your spouse names like that in front of children. "Grieving" my arse. It was 18 years ago, not 18 minutes.

"Just allow him this time to be selfish" - seriously? Once a year he gets to call his wife a cunt in front of their son? Because he's just a wee delicate manthing?

YouTheCat · 09/04/2016 22:08

I lost both my parents before they were 60 - one of them very unexpectedly. This was 17 and 19 years ago.

I still miss them terribly even after all this time. But I have never in my life used their deaths as an excuse to behave like a twat.

OP, your husband is just a complete bellend and you'd be better off out of it.

TheCrumpettyTree · 09/04/2016 22:09

But this behaviour occurs not just at anniversary times

In which case he's just abusive.

GnomeDePlume · 09/04/2016 22:10

No, No, No.

Even at my worst in the aftermath of my DF's death I didnt start calling my DH names. Instead of being more sensitive or emotional around the anniversary of his DF's death your DH has given himself permission to behave abysmally.

Not sure if I am hard hearted, my DF died approximately 25 years ago. I couldnt tell you what year, what day, what month. Yet I was in the room when it happened. We all grieve in different ways but I find the bad behaviour (as opposed to slightly more sensitive or emotional behaviour) self indulgent nonsense.

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