More of a WWYD than an AIBU.....

[Howhardcanthispossiblybe]

Name changed again as (IMO) a weird one and fairly identifying.

DP and I have 2 children together, DD(3) & DS (1), been together 6 yrs, usual family dynamics - all fine, so far so good. Now the dilemma...

DP has another child from a previous relationship - they will be 7 this year - who he hasn't lived with as father since they broke up when the child was 1, and hasn't seen at all since they were 2.5yrs. This has been at Ex's insistence, and although the details are not particularly relevant to my post it definitely wasn't anything sinister (ie abuse, neglect, etc) she just felt strongly that it was the best thing for the child, and DP (who instigated the breakup) felt too guilty to object too strenuously; additionally, by this point Ex was already living with another man (who the child was calling daddy) and pregnant with his child, so DP felt the best thing all-round was to agree to her insistence and content himself with waiting until, in her words, she had decided the time was right to tell the child the truth and go from there.

The issue I personally have with all this (although where to start!?!) is that although DP and ex are clearly OK with lying to one of their children about each other's existence, I don't want to have to lie to My children about the fact that they have an older sibling.... But I don't know what to do! Essentially, the relationship (& agreement) between DP and Ex is none of my business, but then where it's definitely my concern is that although it's not my child it's definitely my children's sibling.... I believe when the child finds out the truth they will be devastated and furious; if i lie to my kids they will surely feel the same... But what can I do, or at least say, to my kids about this child? DD is definitely aware of what family is and means and would almost certainly understand the relationship, but obviously she wouldn't understand the reasons behind the never seeing them? Or never having met them, even?
Please advise!

Won't be able to come back to post till this evening but very keen to hear opinions (although please no flaming on past decisions, it's not really constructive...).
Thanks!

Daffodil many thanks

Faran thank you also, I agree.

Thisisnotausername = genius.

I reckon when DP has sorted things his end, that's the way to do it to let your DC know.

Daffodil, first of all you know nothing about my own circumstances and you are being very presumptuous. Your data set of one isn't representative of anything - it's just an anecdote.

The OP won't say why they are not taking active steps to get contact rights. She asked WWYD - that is my answer.

This is a public forum and my opinion is not offensive - indeed I'm quite pleased that the vast majority of parents would not walk away from their parental duties.

Dropping it into conversation now that they have a sibling, and so it's never not known, never a shock, is the best and easiest thing to do.

Birth order is important, especially for the eldest. It could rock their whole identity later on to find out they're not their father's first born. Being 'the eldest'is a role you carry, to find out it's been a lie all is not on.

You are welcome, pet.

Okay so I presume that you don't have any experience, you havent offered it up so not too far a leap but I apolgise. Even so, your own story would be anecdotal too, no?
You have suggested that a child in this instance will have mental health issues because Google told you so. It's not definate and I can't agree that anything like that is a true representation of anything because not everyone who has ever lived this situation has been spoken to by some sort of giant survey.

You got offensive when you accused her of not wanting to fix it. Why would she even have posted here if she didn't want to fix it?

And yes an open forum, so why not leave my opinion alone and just concetrate on yours. You batted mine down without a second thought. OP can decide what she wants to listen to or not.

Daffodils, nowhere have I suggested that a child with an absent father will definitely get MH issues. All I did was take issue with your statement that 'everything will be fine in the end', because it is meaningless and you cannot back it up. And you are right, I'm not referring to my own anecdotal data set because it would also just be anecdotal.

The very concept of a forum is to exchange with others. If you only want to put your opinions out there but without anyone questioning them maybe you should start a blog instead.

The OP is focussing on whether/how to tell her children about the brother they never knew. I don't think this is fixing anything - fixing it, in my opinion, requires remediating the absence, ie exercising contact rights. You may or may not agree with me but I'm pretty confident that my views on this are not offensive to the average person.

And yes, it is a big leap to assume people don't have personal experience of something just because they haven't told you that they do.

Thisisnotausername thanks for that, that's a good idea. Just a couple of days ago we came across a picture of DPs eldest child when looking at photos on the laptop and DD asked who it was - I just said "that's *! Hasn't he got a big smile!" And she just agreed and that was that... I have to admit I'm a bit scared! It's hard to act like it's not a big deal when I think it is... But that's because I'm imposing adult emotions and importance on the situation, maybe you're right that DD - & eventually DS also - will just accept it as fact.

I'm thinking I will definitely try to contact Ex. Meanwhile, couple more photos out...

Honestly, dropping a quick, 'oh that's your older brother, Daddy had a baby with another mummy before you, and he's your brother. He lives with his mummy, and step daddy now, some children do. You'll live with mummy and daddy forever.' is likely to get the response of 'oh. Can I have a biscuit?'

The earlier you drop it in, the easier it is. They're kids. If you say it's normal, it is normal.

And these days? It is normal!

OP, do you think you could be slightly jealous that your DH's ex-wife is 'very happy' with her husband and children?

Genuine question.

Please don't approach DH's ex-wife by the way. This is between DH and ex-wife.

You're right OP, it is a weird one. It seems like a curiously old-fashioned solution to a problem which is commonplace nowadays. I share your view that lying to the son (your DSS) about his parentage is/was a mistake and think that it will end badly eventually. As a disclaimer though I should add I have no personal experience of such a situation - this is just my instinct. However, I disagree with the majority view that you should tell the whole truth to your DCs regardless. If your DP and his ex could be persuaded to rethink, tell him the truth and resume contact between him and your DP, then I think everyone agrees that would be best. But if not, and his son is basically to be written out of the family story, my view is that that could potentially be very distressing to your DCs. I can see that knowing their father has already walked away from one child (albeit that he says he believed it was the best thing) could make them feel very insecure about the extent of his commitment to them. I get that you feel guilty and anxious about their half-brother and also about the abstract concept of lying to them, but can't see that introducing concrete anxieties into their relationship with him is a helpful addition to the original problem. In your shoes, I would consider seriously the possibility of keeping your mouth shut at least until they are much, much older. I often think that full disclosure of troubling secrets is more about the increased comfort of one's own squeaky clean conscience, rather than necessarily about what is best for others. As (possibly) the most responsible adult in this picture, it may be your unhappy lot to bear the burden of the secrets and lies in order to do the right thing by your kids. I find it really interesting that the few pp who have actually been in this situation are going against the general grain too. That said - and I appreciate you have heard this plenty already and know it isn't what you want to focus on - but fwiw I too would have difficulty being with a man who would accept a plan to sever contact with his own child.

Thanks leelu and Mrslupo.

Leelu, sometimes I think maybe I am (they are very well off and don't struggle as we do, plus he is clearly a much more hands on dad as doesn't work where DP works v. Long hours) but don't think that changes my feelings on this... I appreciate the advice re not contacting though. Told DP about this thread last night, he has promised to get in touch... We will see.

MrsLupo, I agree also - with everything you said, hence why am going to wait till DP been in touch with Ex and take it from there. Also understand how you can say that about DP - However, I feel (& have always felt) he has learnt his lesson the ultimate hard way. He provides for us now, and no matter what his past and even current failings he is father and dad to our two and I'm not about to push him away.

Thanks again.