More of a WWYD than an AIBU.....

[Howhardcanthispossiblybe]

Name changed again as (IMO) a weird one and fairly identifying.

DP and I have 2 children together, DD(3) & DS (1), been together 6 yrs, usual family dynamics - all fine, so far so good. Now the dilemma...

DP has another child from a previous relationship - they will be 7 this year - who he hasn't lived with as father since they broke up when the child was 1, and hasn't seen at all since they were 2.5yrs. This has been at Ex's insistence, and although the details are not particularly relevant to my post it definitely wasn't anything sinister (ie abuse, neglect, etc) she just felt strongly that it was the best thing for the child, and DP (who instigated the breakup) felt too guilty to object too strenuously; additionally, by this point Ex was already living with another man (who the child was calling daddy) and pregnant with his child, so DP felt the best thing all-round was to agree to her insistence and content himself with waiting until, in her words, she had decided the time was right to tell the child the truth and go from there.

The issue I personally have with all this (although where to start!?!) is that although DP and ex are clearly OK with lying to one of their children about each other's existence, I don't want to have to lie to My children about the fact that they have an older sibling.... But I don't know what to do! Essentially, the relationship (& agreement) between DP and Ex is none of my business, but then where it's definitely my concern is that although it's not my child it's definitely my children's sibling.... I believe when the child finds out the truth they will be devastated and furious; if i lie to my kids they will surely feel the same... But what can I do, or at least say, to my kids about this child? DD is definitely aware of what family is and means and would almost certainly understand the relationship, but obviously she wouldn't understand the reasons behind the never seeing them? Or never having met them, even?
Please advise!

Won't be able to come back to post till this evening but very keen to hear opinions (although please no flaming on past decisions, it's not really constructive...).
Thanks!

I would urge your dp to get in touch with his ex and try to make her see the importance of telling her ds that his 'dad' is not his birth dad. Most kids take it easier if they find out younger.

Three years after my dad died I got a phone call out of the blue from man claiming to be my brother. It turned out there were two of them, lots older than me. They'd been trying to trace my dad using the Salvation Army and they had got a letter from them saying that he had died. They'd used public records to find me and had just rung the five people with my surname in the telephone book.

I was incredibly angry with my dad for never having told me, and it has coloured my memories of him. Don't let your children go through this in the future.

I'm not judging you OP - in terms of what YOU should do. YOU should tell your kids the truth.

In terms of DP I would encourage him to reconsider access to his child.

This is a Jeremy Kyle show episode waiting to happen in a decades time.

What the hell will happen to this boy if God Forbid he lost his mother?

Brought up by a family that isn't his or sent to strangers that are his "real" family?

It doesn't bear thinking about.

My father and his sister discovered a half sister in their 70s, there may also have been others they did not know about now deceased. Their sister is delighted to have found them but spent years with no family at all.

OP I am torn, reading this, between the straightforward although not completely great scenario of 'just' making their half brother a presence in the lives of your children, and concerned that within a short while DD may well as the question - in her head if not to you directly - if my brother lives too far away for us to see his daddy, will my daddy leave me too? (I know too complex a question for 3, but who knows how those connections will work).

I agree w not lying, just not sure you will be able to carry this through. At 7 or 8 maybe you can have a more grown up convo and they probably would ask the question and you could reassure them.

Honestly not sure. And not a child development expert either.

What a difficult place to be.

Sorry for typos - as-= ask and 'far away for us' should be 'far away FROM us'

Don't call me love, how bloody patronising. You don't want to put things right - if you did you'd get your husband to initiate contact with his seven year old rather than focus on your babies right to the 'truth' as you see it.

You can tell yourself all the stories you want, but if there was no abuse your husband had a right to contact with his child, and he chose to abdicate that right. Bite me.

It is odd that a 2 year old would suddenly be traumatised by seeing his/her (previously loving and doting) father from time to time. Why did the mum say the child was traumatised?

Anyways, moving on. You can tell your children as much or as little as you would like. If you do tell them, be aware that some children are very astute and can start asking difficult questions from a young age. This could, for instance, force you to find good reasons to reassure your toddlers that no, daddy isn't going to abandon them as he did his other child.

Similar situation in my extended family. One side knew about the existence of siblings, the siblings didn't know about the other side IYSWIM? There are lots of complicating factors about why the two didn't see each other. The sibs who didn't know about the other, understood the reasons why contact wasn't possible, as they got older.

Be truthful with your children. At least that way if contact is made with your DSS in the future, then he can take comfort from the fact that he 'exists' in your family - rather than being a skeleton in the family cupboard.

I do think your DP needs to have a very careful think about how he plans to explain this to his DS if they ever see each other in the future. It would be very difficult I think, for a child to hear that their Father didn't try and see them - certainly beyond a couple of attempts. How does he plan to respond if he is ever asked about why he never went to court to request access?

Thank you Daffodil and Vintage, your posts have made me teary but hopeful.... Although now not so sure!

Was in the midst of posting another defence on behalf of DP - he really isn't a deliberate arse, just a slightly hopeless one and she was the stronger, bossier one (my words not his, having met her several times) in their relationship so she would've found it easy to pressure him into acquiescence.... But you know what, it really doesn't matter, between them they've decided it best to conceal his true parentage so they are equally at blame. It doesn't even matter that yes I was the OW (although it was only an emotional affair till after they split) and that she was living with another man less than 3 months later.

What does matter is trying to put things right. Someone asked upthread whether a 3 year old would understand - she knows what brother/sister means and that she has a baby brother and that we are a family, outside of that I don't know??

What a mess.

What would happen in theory OP if this boy's mother were to die tomorrow?

I'm sorry to make you teary OP. I hope it gets resolved for you soon.

My dad was (is) a bit hopeless but he means well, just doesn't know how to articulate himself. So when it comes to matters of the heart he doesn't know how to deal with them. Your DP probably is just stuck not wanting to rock the boat with ex in fear of losing any possible contact with his son. It's delicate I know.

and for you. It'll all be fine in the end, promise x

Faran it was supposed to be patronising - You're being unnecessarily aggressive and rude, considering your assessment of the situation is based on a couple of paragraphs on an internet forum asking for advice. Maybe you should go and have a cool shower to calm down?! Unfortunately the world is simply not as black and white as you seem to believe, bless you... Although thank you for your observation on the ability of young ones to be quite astute - it is a worry, DD is also sensitive... And btw the "trauma" apparently came from being sad and clingy in the day or two following DPs visits. I questioned that strongly at the time as surely that is for close ones to reassure? For eg, after grandma goes home after visits, or uncles/aunts, a child wouldn't be so upset, and if they were surely mother would just reassure and distract? DD is the same but I don't stop her seeing anyone fit great of her being "unduly traumatised"! I genuinely believe Ex would've played on that to help make her cause.

Everysong child has other half sibling from new dad, don't forget, plus they live a stone's throw from Ex's mum, dad, brother... He would hardly be alone.

jolse and someone else upthread - DP has kept multiple emails between him and Ex which clearly show that he has tried repeatedly to have contact besides going legal.

Genuinely encouraged to hear of others similar stories and to know that for one, we're not the only crazy ones, but also that relationships (child/parent) have survived intact for the most part, deaths aside...

Am also considering (& have been for some while) missing out the middle man and trying to contact Ex myself....

What a mess

Yup the three adults sound like they deserve each other, they are all equally responsible. You included Op.

Poor kids.

Daffodil you've hit the nail on the head... It was and still is fear of no contact that prevented him rocking the boat, stupidly and wretchedly that's what's happened anyway.

But Daffodil and Vintage, neither of you was the abandoned other child, right?

I can't agree with the statement that everything will be fine in the end. Sure, children are resilient, but who can say now that the other child will not massively resent this, have attachment issues when he/she finds out, or worse?

A very quick google of attachment issues and absent father suggests that there is a strong correlation between this scenario and various MH issues.

What about the small things? Does he do anything to acknowledge his child, like sending birthday/Christmas cards and presents or money for extras? Is he putting money in a savings account?

Actually I'm going to take a different approach than other posters. I wonder whether the ExP was right in getting totally rid of this man who thought so little of his DC he would shag another woman when he was a baby and so easily give up any contact. She obviously realised her DC would be better off without this sham of a DF in his life.

No idea how you tell you DC that.

Errrr, chipped, what about New Dad, who we suspect hugely encouraged it?! If he had any decency he wouldn't call himself Dad to my DPs child while they still had contact! We only found out that way, by the child telling DP about something "dad" had done with him! And grandparents on Ex's side, and aunts and uncles?! All of whom see him Very often - they live in the same bloody village! They must be bloody lying every time they open their mouths to him?! But OH yes, just DPs fault then....

You're so right OP. It's actually four irresponsible adults who have created this mess.

Well done that makes it all ok. And by the way your excuses for your DP giving up a relationship with his child are pathetic.

Oh dear, pass round the Pitchforks and Blazing Torches guys, there's a witch-hunt afoot!

What is Wrong with you folk?! I posted for advice - Didn't anybody ever tell you if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all? And yes, birch, as I said upthread we put money away. Last Christmas present was returned.

But as I said previously, thanks to all who've made helpful suggestions. Moving forward, I will only respond to helpful advice and suggestions as this is why I posted. Anyone who just fancies giving us a bit of kicking - eff off!

D'nile it ain't just a river in Egypt.

Yes keep attacking me if it makes you feel better. I have been neither rude or aggressive. Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't make them rude. You are not the victim here.

Nice, OP. Very smooth.

You asked for advice. My advice is that your husband should initiate contact procedure with the son he abandoned.

HTH

Farandole I wasn't the abandoned child no, but hes talked to me about his experiences and what he thought then and what he thinks now. He's lived it. I'm sorry but your Google search is not the same as actual experience. And a strong correlation between MH issues and absent father's - okay - what about the people who don't have mental issues and absent father's? They aren't polled in your statistics because they haven't needed help regarding MH!!
OP has asked for opinions and as I and my brother have had this experience together I can express my opinion based on truth and fact.
Not every story will turn out like mine im sure but I'm not only one here to suggest the rest of you without experience need to wind your neck in.
Things can be fine and OP is asking for help so she can make things right for herself and her family.

Flaming her isn't helping. And silver those things you are saying about her DP are disgusting. You know nothing about him. My own father made mistakes but thinks the world of all his children and grandchildren. Don't condemn what you know nothing about.

Darn it I can feel a response... Not in denial, looking for solutions not problems, if I thought it'd help any of the children I'd be first in line with the old birch whip but i think we all know self flagellation achieved little. And faran, love, I'm not purporting to be the victim....

This thread is asking for advice Moving Forward. TIA.