More of a WWYD than an AIBU.....

[Howhardcanthispossiblybe]

Name changed again as (IMO) a weird one and fairly identifying.

DP and I have 2 children together, DD(3) & DS (1), been together 6 yrs, usual family dynamics - all fine, so far so good. Now the dilemma...

DP has another child from a previous relationship - they will be 7 this year - who he hasn't lived with as father since they broke up when the child was 1, and hasn't seen at all since they were 2.5yrs. This has been at Ex's insistence, and although the details are not particularly relevant to my post it definitely wasn't anything sinister (ie abuse, neglect, etc) she just felt strongly that it was the best thing for the child, and DP (who instigated the breakup) felt too guilty to object too strenuously; additionally, by this point Ex was already living with another man (who the child was calling daddy) and pregnant with his child, so DP felt the best thing all-round was to agree to her insistence and content himself with waiting until, in her words, she had decided the time was right to tell the child the truth and go from there.

The issue I personally have with all this (although where to start!?!) is that although DP and ex are clearly OK with lying to one of their children about each other's existence, I don't want to have to lie to My children about the fact that they have an older sibling.... But I don't know what to do! Essentially, the relationship (& agreement) between DP and Ex is none of my business, but then where it's definitely my concern is that although it's not my child it's definitely my children's sibling.... I believe when the child finds out the truth they will be devastated and furious; if i lie to my kids they will surely feel the same... But what can I do, or at least say, to my kids about this child? DD is definitely aware of what family is and means and would almost certainly understand the relationship, but obviously she wouldn't understand the reasons behind the never seeing them? Or never having met them, even?
Please advise!

Won't be able to come back to post till this evening but very keen to hear opinions (although please no flaming on past decisions, it's not really constructive...).
Thanks!

My only thoughts are that you shouldn't lie to your children. Tell them age appropriate truths, but don't lie. They know that grown ups aren't perfect; don't try to pretend otherwise.

I won't say what I think about his and your decision (yes, yours too) but I'm sure you can guess what it is.

What I will say, is that the solution to getting into a bit of a pickle understatement of the year with lies is never to keep telling more lies. First be honest with your own children and then work out together how to get your husbands child back into your lives.

You shouldn't lie to your children and tell your DP that.

He needs to get a grip and sort this out. Better the boy funds out now. Rather then when he is older.

Surely when you got together and he wasn't seeing his child....you had this conversation?

Surely this has come up before you had a child, when you were pregnant, before you had the second, when you were pregnant with the second?

I can't believe in all the years the two of you have never, ever discussed what you will tell you own children.

My cousin did this. She got married when she was 17 to a guy she met on holiday in Canada. It fizzled out within months but she was pregnant and he said he wasn't particularly bothered about keeping contact. She remarried when her DD was a toddler and had 2 more dc with 2nd dh. They never let on and the shit hit the fan big time when she applied for her first adult passport 18 years later. It's a terrible idea to not be honest about these things.

Looking at the timings he left her for you when child was still a baby? And has 'happily' gone along with effectively disowning said child, and not even putting any money aside for them?

Well, I have doubts about his character and think you should too. I would tell your children the truth, it isn't your lie or secret.

TheWrathofNaan : They only backdate to the time when the application was initiated.

Ok. I don't know the ins and outs of it. It could be that he had paid thousands previously? I do know that at the time he had a decent wage, so it wasn't an insignificant amount that he then had to pay according to the CSA, even though he had been paying for some overlap.

Furious do the maths. OP is not denying it anyway.

It's a bit rich to call posters nasty, when frankly this thread has been very moderate considering the insouciant abandonment of a baby by his father.

And even now the father and his second wife don't care about that boy, she only wants to manage her own kids.

I have a seven year old. I'm finding this thread heartbreaking and I make no apologies for that.

I'd tell them what fantastic suggested, not only for your DCs benefit, but also to give your DP a trial run for when he tells the next set of DCs he has, about how he abandoned you and yours.

And if you think it would happen you're kidding yourself.

*child rather than boy/son.

Your husband had and has legal rights to see his child despite his ex's 'insistence'. You are all living a big fat lie. Sorry to be harsh but get a grip, you're only worried about telling your children, what about the poor boy? Start telling the truth and do everyone a favour.

I don't have kids of this age so I'm interested; is the suggestion that you'd sit down and explain to a 1 and 3 year old that they have a sibling elsewhere, just out of the blue? Would that mean anything to them at that age?

Like I say I'm honestly just curious. My first thought would be would't you just hold out until they started asking questions about their family and then answer them honestly? Would it really benefit them to tell them outright at that age?

A very odd but true story: At around 16 a DFs sister met a 'very very hot guy' and they started dating. Their step mum happened to run into them on an early date and later that day made a massive fuss about how she couldn't date that boy. SM kept asking the dad to intervene - he wouldn't. The next day when the dad had left the house SM explained precisely why. The 'very very hot guy' was quite possibly their half brother. And there were some others knocking about too.

So, just in case I always advise anyone tells their kids of siblings even if they're unlikely to have a familial relationship with them.

Ffs faran reign yourself in love won't you! Noone I'd denying things were handled badly and I'm pretty sure everybody involved personally in the situation (ie Definitely noone in this thread) has regret and would do things differently if given the time over but sadly that's not the case... I just want to know opinions on how best to try to put things right! We're led to believe the child is very happy for now at least (which is surely the priority), and my post proves I am committed to trying to change things for the future. Thanks for your condemnation, but it's massively unhelpful - must be lovely to have never made any mistakes or have any regrets...

And as the mother of a 7yr old you will then be familiar with the feeling of guilt from having prevented him from seeing his bio father and replacing dad with another man... No? No, as You wouldn't do that. There are 2 main guilty parties here but everyone seems more than happy to place the blame squarely at DPs feet. He wanted to see the child, she refused contact - kept saying she would arrange something "in good time" but it never happened.

Obviously I had a part to play and talked a lot about it to DP but ultimately it wasn't my call. Now I'm at the stage where I don't bloody care who's call it is, I don't want to lie to my kids. I cannot push DP and Ex into doing something can I? Arguably to do so now would be even more detrimental. Over the years I've suggested he talk to her, try to get her to reintroduce us as whoever she chooses while the child is still young enough to accept unquestioningly but to no avail. Maybe I should've insisted but I didn't and it's too late now so....

Thanks very much to those posting helpful suggestions along the lines of just making the child a presence for now, and making them aware of his existence (was thinking a couple of photos, and just saying he lives too far away for now). This is going to be strange for all the children but at least I have it confirmed we have to act now....

I don't think I could lie to my kids, but also I don't think I could tell them the truth od the situation now, without assuring them you (both/ DH in particular) that you felt it was wrong and were trying to rectify it.

I couldn't, in any good faith, tell them and act like it was ok and pretend there was nothing that could be done about it. But then that gives you the problem that you are telling them and revealing their fathers actions/ massive flaw.

I guess what I am saying is, I would start to right this terrible wrong and then tell your children aa you move down that path, so that they are aware they have a sibling and that Daddy is trying to work out the problem so that they might all be a family soon.

They're placing the blame more at his feet because the timings sound a little suspicious, and he didn't fight harder!

Oh dear what a mess OP.

This happened in my family, many years ago though.

My father had a daughter before me. It was exactly the same thing as in the mother wanted my father to have nothing to do with the child from the age of 2, she'd met another man and wanted him to be the dad.

My father thought he was doing the right thing and agreed, however it haunted him, I was even called after her and he poured all the love he wanted to give her into me. He was a lovely dad!

I have never met my sister but apparently she contacted an uncle of mine and dad did see her but told no-one. My father is dead now and it only came out recently, to be totally honest it doesn't bother me.

My mother however had two sons before coming to England whom she left with my grandmother in Ireland. I did meet them many years later and don't particularly like them. They are strangers.

Going forward OP, and this is what you want. I'd advise your partner to speak again to his ex and leave the door open for the child to make contact if they so wish.

Watch Jeremy Kyle, after all, you may be asked on the show, in ten years time. You can have a good idea of the damage this sort of situation causes, before you have to admit to being responsible.

My cousins found out that they had a half sibling, it was thought best to regard the Step Dad as the bio Dad, in those days (50's). They were told at the end of their parents life and have desperately searched for him. It's clouded their view of their parents, both of them, because their Mother colluded with the lie.

You shouldn't lie to your children about this, it's not on a par with the tooth fairy.

Do you have family involvement from your DPs side? They're all a disgrace.

Sorry x-post with your last post.

I can see you're in a difficult position in that its not within your control re: what DH and his ex do, but I don't think that means you're completely absolved. I think (who knows for sure, although I've been in a situation with some similarities) I'd be making it very clear to DH that I felt it important for both your relationship and his relationship with his kids that he seek professional advice and seek to do something about it.

I'd be very concerned about telling my (your) children and what impression this gives if the situation is to remain as is. Otherwise you'd have to lie to them anyway as you'd be glossing over or bending the truth to explain why without painting their father in a terrible light

This is a difficult situation. I know because I've lived it.

I'm OPs DD. Not literally of course but that's the role I played in my own story.
My half brother (DFs son) is 5 years older than me and I found out about and met him when I was 18.

It wasn't the drama you are all describing. My mum and step mum both knew about it but didn't believe it was their place to say anything and it wasn't. If they'd have told me I would have rushed to my dad all guns blazing and it would have created a stupidly angry and heated mess that I doubt me and DF would have come back from. As it was he explained it to me (in his own weird backwards and insuffient way) and it made sense to me. I was mad and I cried but I was happy to meet my new older brother. It was my brother who had the shorter end of the stick, as he didn't have contact with my dad until his early twenties and I don't fully know what his mum told him (although I do know she's an arse).

We talk frequently now and although we don't see each other much (we live about an hour apart) we've a good relationship. He wants to have a relationship with dad and he has one.

Sorry OP, id be doing what my mum did and keeping schtum with your kids. I know it's a difficult situation but I think I'm better off for it. Your DP needs to make his decisions and see them through. Now is better and easier for his son though. It'll be harder for him to come to terms with as he gets older.

Happy to answer any questions if you have them

I don't agree that you should rush to tell them everything now.....I think they're far to young to take this on board. ( not telling them yet is not "lying by omission" it's just not telling them til they're ready). I don't know at what point it would be appropriate but you might find a natural conversation opener may occur eg the DD may make reference to being the eldest or that she only has one sibling. That would be my cue to give her the information in the straightforward, simple way that someone has already suggested. Maybe your 3 year old is ready for that conversation now, I don't know. Kids are very accepting when they're given facts so I don't think they'll be traumatised but they'll undoubtedly have lots of questions about why they can't meet them. Perhaps your husband could obtain a photo of the sibling as part of his process of building a relationship again. ( that's a long road). At some point I would probably make a deal of putting the photo on show so that if the child does come into your lives in the future they can see that they were not forgotten. OP this a difficult issue and everyone seems very quick to judge. Some people leave because they're shits and some go because they honestly think it's in the best interest of the child.

We had a similar situation - though DH had already left then W before we got together before anyone picks on me - e.g. older half siblings to our DS who DH was not allowed access to.

We had pictures of them in our home and referred to 'your brother / sister' to our DS so he always knew.

Like you say, your priority is being truthful to your children. So I agree with fantasticbuttocks' advice. Tell your dp what you're going to say as they may have questions for him.

It's a very upsetting situation from the outside to read in a post and must be very difficult for you to live with this.

Like you daffodil, Ive lived it too and am happy also to answer any questions. Some people certainly like to scream at people on here huh.

You see this is why I was so curious; my dad has a "secret" half brother. He only found out about and met him when my granddad died, although his dm did know about this half-sibling it transpires.

My dad (and me and my siblings) were neither scandalised nor particularly interested in the revelation. I can't say why exactly; we just had our family unit and we were happy with it. I think my dad was happy to have grown up with his happy, secure and in his mind complete family, and was maybe in some way grateful it wasn't the messy, fractured affair it could have been had he known about this half-sibling all along.

They do vintage, that they do.