Can my BIL's STBXW demand £200 every time she has dcs?

[twinsufficient]

Really messy divorce situation. SIL doesn't have the dc apart from when she feels like it which is once in a blue moon. She says she'll have them every other weekend if my BIL gives her £200. She contributes nothing financially whilst my BIL pays for everything they need including childcare while he works. This is also the woman who when she does have the dcs, sends them back without their shoes and coats which she sells. I am beyond fuming that she can make these demands. It is pushing my BIL over the edge.

What a vile, poor excuse for a woman. And yes, I say that with my judgey pants firmly hoisted. Those poor kids deserve so much better

Because she says she's destitute otherwise. She has an older dc who lives with her who isn't BIL's but he feels responsible for him so it makes it difficult. Her 'profession' is very difficult to prove so she can make it look like she doesn't have an income as it's all cash

He needs to stop paying for anything and only respond to messages about the kids.

He really really needs to get things sorted officially - both divorce and custody arrangements. Has he seen a lawyer? She can prevaricate all she likes on the divorce and make threats/offers but it will happen eventually. Make sure he is keeping a record of when she is seeing them and show the abusive texts to his lawyer. She sounds a nightmare but he needs to stop being a pushover as he is actually in a strong position. She can demand money all she likes but he doesn't have to give it to her. As others have said she should be paying him maintenance.

Your BiL needs advice. What is his divorce solicitor advising?

How long have they been seperated?
How far along with the divorce are they/what has been agreed?
How old are the children/how long has BiL had residency?
If BiL refused access/money would STBxW 'go' for residency?

If it were me, I'd keep things as they are until the divorce and residency/access arrangements are finalised. Dependent on how far down the divorce path he is and if he can keep up the finances to her till then.

He only has contact with her re the dcs. It's going to court in June as she has prevaricated long enough.

Why is the idea even being entertained? Why has your BIL not stopped all contact and sought legal advice to protect the DC if this is all true?

So does he have a solicitor?

I'm a bit agog that anyone would even ask "Can my BIL's STBXW demand £200 every time she has dcs?"

How old she, I mean the elder half sibling? Maybe I'm really naive and stupid but if this elder dc - from one of her previous relationships - is living in this abusive environment, can't he stop paying the mother money and potentially get her daughter come and live with him? I imagine he didn't adopt her though - where is this girls father? His love and care for this girl is admirable. The poor children. Definitely agree no contact or contact centre. As the children are at school, they must be aware their mother stole their stuff.

Why does your BIL allow his children to go to the house of a woman he believes is a prostitute, who steals from them, and who subjects them to unecessary medical treatment with associated distress? He needs to get a fucking grip here.

Oh, who also takes drugs.

It's his job to protect them.

He needs to stop paying, as she won't stop asking even when the divorce is finalised. She is bullying him and is using emotional blackmail/her children to do this . Her older DC is not his responsibility, nor is her rent.

He needs to go for full custody and ask that a contact centre be used for contact.

Do you think that she is maybe abusing drugs/alcohol....it may explain the demands for money and selling the children's clothes etc?

If he thinks she's working as a prostitute but has no proof, he could do with getting a private investigator on board. It's not illegal to work as a prostitute. It's brothel work that's unlawful, so this should be a legitimate source of income to be taken in to account (although morally dubious).

Stopping contact is easy off she demands £200 every time. Just say no.

The eldest child is a "child of the family" for divorce purposes, so he can be made to pay child maintenance for her (through the courts, not CSA), though it seems like he's paying over the odds anyway unless he is a very high earner.

I would have a conversation with him yourself alongside another family member he trusts and discuss you called child social care

If you make the phone call and give them all of this information they are likely to listen, it certainly does sound like there is a threshold being met which needs some professional involvement

Called = calling sorry

He looked into the private investigator route but they were charging £500 a day and what would it prove? She's not exactly standing on street corners. He is scared of going no contact as he thinks it will reflect badly on him. She is also asking for maintenance for her elder child. BIL is a middle earner but all these costs are crucifying him financially. I can't believe any woman could use her children as pawns in this way

They don't need to spend a day on it. find out how she advertises, book her, turn up, then make excuses and leave.

She sounds like she is emotionally abusive - if he feels so tied to get and forced into all these financial commitments.

He urgently needs a decent solicitor to sort all this out and get rid of her as quickly as possible. She needs to pay maintenance and he needs to insist on full residency with only supervised contact.

What does his solicitor advise him? It sounds like contact isn't in the children's best interest right now in light of mum's lifestyle. He should keep a record of all communication.

She's a drug addict and the elder child is being brought up in, a 'Chaotic household', if the shot hits the fan, which it will eventually, then if your BIL has been sending their children there, he will be viewed as failing to protect them, so he can't bury his head in the sand, any longer.

She may not be a prodtitute, as such, it may be s case of, turn up with ICE and you can shag her.

Your BIL needs to make a referral to SS, for the elder girl.

Clearly your BIL needs to get proper legal advice. Keep and print off all texts and demands and stop sending the kids to her. Stop worrying about how it looks that he doesn't but how it looks that he does.

This MAN needs to ask what benefit his dc are deriving from contact with her.

He needs to stop giving A shit about what others think and protect his kids.

If he stops paying her, what recourse does she have? What basis is there for your bil to give her money? NONE!

If she wants money/contact, make her work for it (she won't)

This woman needs to be kept away from these children. It is that simple.

Her life is her problem. And actually if he leaves the divorce for a certain period of time she can't hold it up and he won't need to pay her a bean.

She can finance her own rental, that's what housing benefit is for if you haven't got an income. Let her sort her own life out.

He should be paying her anything, "destitute" or not. I think social services would want to know that she is only willing to have her dcs if she's paid to do it, and that she is literally willing to sell the clothes off their backs! They may not have wanted to know the first time but the complaint should still have been logged and will flag up if and when he phones them again.

It's time for your BIL to pull up his big girl pants. It sounds like he's quite frightened of doing anything to provoke her. For the time being, he doesn't actually need to say he's stopping contact...her reaction if he stops paying her to see their children should be enough to buy him a few weeks in order to get his ducks in a row.

He needs legal advice. He needs to call social services and tell them about his concerns for her eldest child, also mentioning that she sells the children's belongings when she sees them despite being given plenty of money to cover the visits. He needs to be seen to be proactively acting in the children's best interest: perhaps he could self refer to a contact centre so it's clear that the issue isn't him not wanting her around at all? Is he named on the tenancy of the place she's living? If not, he should stop paying her rent, letting her know this at the same time he tells her he won't pay her to see the kids.

**shouldn't