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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's friend has stolen from us.

90 replies

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:40

Dd is nearly 12.

She has been chumming about with one of our neighbour's DDs, neighbour is the dad and has her EOW. She asked if this girl (13) could stay over last night and I said I didn't mind, she seemed pleasant enough and I'm on chatting terms with her dad.

Dh let them use his old phone to watch Netflix last night. It kept timing out so he disabled the password.

This morning the girls went into town together on the bus. I didn't hear anything from Dd until a few hours later (wasn't best pleased at that as she hasn't answered her phone). She then went back to another friends house and didn't return or pick up her phone until I finally got hold of her at 8pm.

I went to pick her up (pretty fucking furious by now anyway) and when she got in the car she said 'don't be cross but x took Dad's phone into town and lost it'.

Apparently the friend had told Dd she had the phone when they were on the bus and then by the time they'd been round a few shops it had gone missing.

The phone has all DH's banking, Facebook and email apps so he's had to change all his passwords. Dd was in a terrible state but I'm hugely cross with her, she could have told us this at any point today and instead stayed out with these friends until nearly bedtime. I'm still not sure how much of her story is true, according to her she is completely innocent and her friends wouldn't let her phone us and tell us.

I've sent the girls aunt (who she lives with) a polite text asking if she knows what's happened to the phone and got no reply. Dh is going to talk to her dad tomorrow.

I'm so disappointed in Dd but more cross with her friend, if what Dd says is true (that she didn't know her friend had taken it). I feel like an absolute mug and a terrible parent, and I feel like I've given Dd far too much freedom this holidays, and not enough 'vetting' of her friends.

Anyway, AIBU to ban this 'friend' from our house and ground Dd for a month? Because that's what we've done.

OP posts:

FlicFlop · 05/04/2016 00:38

Oh you didn't know she had taken it from the house? I didn't get the stealing bit, so they weren't suppose to take it? But the friend did and then told DD she had lost it?

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 08:13

Yes. She snuck it out of the house (DH was at work and I didn't think to check it was still there, it didn't cross my mind). Then according to Dd she showed her she had it on the bus, this was after they'd walked half an hour through the village to meet some other friends. Then they all went into town and it got lost while they were in Poundland.

When I eventually got hold of Dd at about 4pm she asked if I could take the original friend home so I drive into town, picked her up and dropped her home. She didn't say a word to me. Dd stayed in town with her other friends (who I've met before) and was supposed to be getting a lift home at tea time. She then went no contact until nearly 8pm.

It won't be happening again, when she's no longer grounded she'll be allowed into town for a few hours max, none of this all day mooching. Yes, DH with hindsight should have taken the phone when he went to work but he leaves at 6.30am and didn't want to go in DDs room and disturb them.

OP posts:

Herewegoagainfolks · 05/04/2016 08:25

Two things would bother me:

That she didn't take possession of the phone as soon as friend showed it to her.

That her friends "wouldn't let her call home"

I would be expecting her to show more independence and ability to challenge her friends at that age.

What else might she do/not do because her friends "wouldn't let her"

The rule here is that you are wholly responsible for any action or inaction and that blaming your friends is never an acceptable excuse.

LindyHemming · 05/04/2016 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 08:29

That's exactly what I said to her, that she should have called me as soon as she realised her friend had it, I would have driven to meet them and picked it up.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 05/04/2016 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hettyGreek · 05/04/2016 08:31

It's the old phone right? Is it that important?

I could of been lost, but very unlikley.

11 is too young to be away with someone for so long IMO.

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 08:32

It's DH's old phone, no SIM card or anything but you can use the apps and Internet.

OP posts:

LIZS · 05/04/2016 08:37

I think there is quite difference was between 11 and 13 and having not heard for so long I wouldn't have let her remain out. I doubt she is as innocent as she insists.

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 08:38

She's 12 in two weeks btw.

OP posts:

mithy · 05/04/2016 08:48

An earlier poster wondered if they might have sold it, is that a possibility?

Flappingandflying · 05/04/2016 08:50

Is it possible that she and the friends were searching Poundland for it after you picked up the dodgy friend? Kids do daft things. I think your daughter is covering stuff up because she's worried that you will be mad and her friends will get into trouble. I think a lot of the evening was spent going 'oh my gawd, wot you going to do?' And them all winding each other up. It is possible that dodgy friend still has the phone. Perhaps they tried to flog it but were turned down. I think more questioning of your daughter in a 'we know you've done something daft that wasn't really your fault but we need to know about the phone because of Dad's banking stuff and email accounts'.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/04/2016 08:50

I think what would concern me most is the fact that she keeps changing her story, she needs to start telling the truth.

When you find out what happened then you can see who is to blame and what consequences she needs to face.

threeelephants · 05/04/2016 08:50

I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's early days for your DD in terms of building independence, so I would look at this as an opportunity to lay down the law. She would be grounded for the disappearance, let alone the phone.
I agree with banning the girl who stole- I would also have reservations about the friends who 'wouldnt let' her ring home. Id be very passive aggressive about that and refuse to consider that she might ever want to go out with such hideous bullies again. (PA on the assumption that she is lying, and blaming her friends for her own actions)
As for the phone, I'd call the police. It will be with one of the friends, it is not lost.

BombadierFritz · 05/04/2016 08:59

Have you blocked the phone as well? Even if theres no sim,,if you know the imei code you can get it blocked. I bet they nicked it. I wouldnt ground, but i dont do that anyway, but would speak to her about her choice of friends. We all make mistakes and learn from them. How can she avoid this kind of misjudgement in future etc
I'd also report it to police and tell the girl the police might need a statement (a bit of a lie) and you are going to check cctv to see when it was stolen off them

HardWorkButTheyMakeMeSmile · 05/04/2016 09:02

So did you know the phone was missing when you have the "friend" a lift home at 4pm ?

TempusEedjit · 05/04/2016 09:08

I agree with grounding her, not so much for the phone going missing but for the no contact between 16:00-20:00 and for the ongoing lies. Just a couple of years older and your DD might realise that there's not much you can physically do to enforce groundings/consequences etc so it's important to clearly define your boundaries now.

EssentialHummus · 05/04/2016 09:12

I don't understand the 4pm/8pm thing - you got hold of DD, she asked you to drop her friend at home, but DD stayed out another 4 hours? Why?

To me (with no experience of teenagers) it sounds like friend was exerting some pressure on DD - took the phone, showed DD much later, wouldn't allow her to call home, possibly wouldn't give her phone. Under what circumstances was the phone "stolen"? It's a very unlucky coincidence for it to be stolen under these circumstances, and I wonder if friend still has it / wants to sell it.

Janecc · 05/04/2016 09:17

i know you must be very cross. She was with older children and it sounds like the friend was much more street wise and yes, maybe she is not be all innocent. If I were in your situation I would be sitting her down and telling her you will not get cross with the truth, she can tell you everything and that there will not be consequences. She may need 24 hours to think it over give you the truth.
It may seem like I am being extremely lenient. But by the sounds of it, she is terribly ashamed of her behaviour, anger and threats will serve no purpose. And it is not her responsibility that the phone was given out with sensitive information on it. She is coming into her teenage years and these are the years, you want her to know you are there for her whatever. This time it was only a phone, next time it could be a lot more serious. I do agree this other girl sounds like trouble.
Life does like to give us lessons.

HardWorkButTheyMakeMeSmile · 05/04/2016 09:19

I don't understand why you would have given the freind a lift home but not collected your daughter at the same time, particularly if you were already annoyed about the lack of keeping in touch. In your Dd eyes , you gave consent for her to stay out longer.

I would have found it very odd to have sat in the car with Dd friend not saying a word, that alone would tell me something was amiss.

I dont have an issue with 12 year olds going into town for the day. The lack of contact would have annoyed me and I wouldn't allow it again for a set time to hammer home that point.

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 09:22

I'm cross with myself for not dragging Dd home at 4pm, but she said she was coming home with her friends mum at 5.30.

I didn't know about the phone at that point. Her friend did speak to me in the car but nothing about the phone.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 05/04/2016 09:26

I think you should hold your dd responsible for her own behaviour rather than her friend. It is hard to stand up for yourself to friends, esp at that age, but it is a lesson best learnt sooner than later. She should have taken charge of the phone and let you know where it was. She should have kept in touch with you.

Why is your dd lying to you?

HardWorkButTheyMakeMeSmile · 05/04/2016 09:30

I agree wholeheartedly with Janecc. We call that a 'cards on the table' talk in our house. Full and Frank disclosure is required so that realistic advice and tactics for dealing with similar behaviour in the future can be given. Once I have the full picture I can understand their position better and prevent it in the future.

Also no punishment is given after the discussion. 24hours has to pass to that it is proportionate and tailored to the behaviour, not done in anger.

UpsiLondoes · 05/04/2016 09:32

It's stealing. If you borrow, you ask first. A 10 year old knows this. Especially a grown ups mobile phone!

Original poster

StuRedman · 05/04/2016 09:50

She's been very contrite this morning, I've just dropped her at my mums as I have an appointment. She's sticking to the one story now, that she was only told when they were on the bus and then they went to kfc and then Poundland and then the friend said it had been lost. Dd doesn't believe it was lost, she said her friend screamed in her face when she asked for it.

I just wish she'd taken the opportunity to tell me when I met her at 4pm. The friend has left her coat at ours so I need to drop it off either today or tomorrow, I'll have a quiet word with the aunt then and try to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:

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