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AIBU?

DD's friend has stolen from us.

90 replies

StuRedman · 04/04/2016 22:40

Dd is nearly 12.

She has been chumming about with one of our neighbour's DDs, neighbour is the dad and has her EOW. She asked if this girl (13) could stay over last night and I said I didn't mind, she seemed pleasant enough and I'm on chatting terms with her dad.

Dh let them use his old phone to watch Netflix last night. It kept timing out so he disabled the password.

This morning the girls went into town together on the bus. I didn't hear anything from Dd until a few hours later (wasn't best pleased at that as she hasn't answered her phone). She then went back to another friends house and didn't return or pick up her phone until I finally got hold of her at 8pm.

I went to pick her up (pretty fucking furious by now anyway) and when she got in the car she said 'don't be cross but x took Dad's phone into town and lost it'.

Apparently the friend had told Dd she had the phone when they were on the bus and then by the time they'd been round a few shops it had gone missing.

The phone has all DH's banking, Facebook and email apps so he's had to change all his passwords. Dd was in a terrible state but I'm hugely cross with her, she could have told us this at any point today and instead stayed out with these friends until nearly bedtime. I'm still not sure how much of her story is true, according to her she is completely innocent and her friends wouldn't let her phone us and tell us.

I've sent the girls aunt (who she lives with) a polite text asking if she knows what's happened to the phone and got no reply. Dh is going to talk to her dad tomorrow.

I'm so disappointed in Dd but more cross with her friend, if what Dd says is true (that she didn't know her friend had taken it). I feel like an absolute mug and a terrible parent, and I feel like I've given Dd far too much freedom this holidays, and not enough 'vetting' of her friends.

Anyway, AIBU to ban this 'friend' from our house and ground Dd for a month? Because that's what we've done.

OP posts:

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ENormaSnob · 06/04/2016 16:34

I would involve the police over the missing phone.

grapejuicerocks · 06/04/2016 14:59

Posted too soon.

Can he be relied upon to deal with her?
I think the pcso visiting is a good idea to scare her if she has form for this. It might do her a favour and shock her into not doing it again. Perhaps when she is at her dads?

grapejuicerocks · 06/04/2016 14:56

How much influence does dad have if she lives with the aunt? Can he be relied upon

LIZS · 06/04/2016 11:31

If she has form what does she normally do with her ill gotten gains? I wouldn't have thought cash converters would deal with under 16s, too much chance the stuff is stolen or not theirs to sell. The council could be interested if they breached the law. You really need your dd to be honest about where they went. Were they among a group all afternoon, have you contacted the bus company? Also suggest contacting the pcso to have a word.

witsender · 06/04/2016 11:27

If the girl has form I would be believing your daughter.

BabyGanoush · 06/04/2016 11:24

Ask at the local cash converters/second hand phone shops if some young girls came in yesterday to sell a phone.

StuRedman · 06/04/2016 10:37

It's not an iPhone. I've now spoken to the girl's dad and stepmom who both think it's likely she stolen it as she has form, but her aunt who she lives with says according to the girl Dd was the one who took it and lost it.

I don't know what to believe and I doubt we'll ever find out. I've ring round all the shops they went in and it hasn't been handed in.

OP posts:

4fingers6toes · 05/04/2016 21:35

Was find my phone switched on?

99percentchocolate · 05/04/2016 16:23

I would contact the police and report as stolen. Tell Dd you are doing this and that the police will look at cctv and will probably interview her friend. If she is keeping anything from you then I bet she will quickly share all. If they're telling the truth and it was stolen in poundland then anybody could have access to your DH's accounts - he needs to report it stolen in case of any fraudulent transactions where he needs to claim back the money.

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 16:11

grannytomine Tue 05-Apr-16 16:00:38

"Poor kids now, so little freedom. It feels like they are all tagged with their phones. So glad I grew up in the 50/60s when you would stay out all day and be expected to amuse yourself."

Nobody forced the dd's friend to take away a phone that did not belong to her, or the dd to do nothing about it. Can't see the adults of my childhood being very relaxed about that one.

katienana · 05/04/2016 16:09

I don't think there is anything wrong with the amount of freedom, I think y7 is totally normal to be going off into town. I was doing that in the mid 90s and wouldn't have phoned home at any point. Younger than that we'd be off on bikes for the day round the local area.
She should have come home by an agreed time and I agree with lndnmummy re peer pressure.

grannytomine · 05/04/2016 16:00

Poor kids now, so little freedom. It feels like they are all tagged with their phones. So glad I grew up in the 50/60s when you would stay out all day and be expected to amuse yourself.

Lndnmummy · 05/04/2016 15:53

Not rtft but I think you need to have a serious chat with her about peer pressure and standing up for herself. Give her tools to work with. So if a friend wont "let her" call home, tell her to ask the friend "what is it my phone or yours?".

Be clear that she has abused your trust in her and that she will need to earn it back.

Floggingmolly · 05/04/2016 15:40

How on earth was it your responsibility to drive the friend home? Did you know at the time your dd called that she didn't intend coming home herself at that point?

Atenco · 05/04/2016 14:00

I'm sorry but I don't believe any story where everyone else is to blame for everything

There is no way I would assume my dd was telling the truth under those circumstances and I certainly would not label someone else as a thief on the strength of her statements. I would ban the friendship because one of the two is bad for the other, but not because the other girl is "bad" and a thief.

jacks11 · 05/04/2016 13:57

I agree with PP- taking the phone (whoever did it) stole it. If you take something without the owners permission it is stealing, not borrowing (even if you intend to give it back).

I don't know your DD, obviously, but I would think you should have a fair idea whether this story is true/mostly true or not at all true and should act accordingly- until you have evidence that says otherwise.

I think your daughter needs to take responsibility for her part in this- at the very least she did has lied to you about what happened, stayed out later than agreed and did not answer her phone/contact you. She needs to understand this is not acceptable behaviour and I agree with PP's that this requires a long discussion about the standards of behaviour you expect, why you need to know where she is/why she needs to come home when she says she will and so on. I agree it also needs some form of punishment. I wouldn't do a month's grounding, but I would be grounding her for a week or two with no treats/priviliges and so on. Thereafter allowing some restricted time with friends "on probation" to allow her to earn back trust- so any incidents of not answering phone/staying out late without good reason AND letting you know or misbehaviour of any sort results in further grounding and restrictions on freedom. I would agree at 11 that going out into town all day is probably not something I would be allowing just yet in any case.

I agree with PP that children tend to put their own slant on the story with incidents like this in order to paint themselves in the best possible light and avoid getting into trouble.I think that it does sound likely that she genuinely didn't know that the friend had taken the phone, but thereafter made poor decisions. She needs to understand that and you need to help her see how she can make better decisions in future and stand up for what she knows to be right. As a PP said in that it can be hard at that age to stand up to a friend, especially if they are an older and/or more confident/popular child as they don't want to fall out with friends/worried they will be left out in future. That doesn't mean what your DD did was ok and she needs to understand why that is and how to tackle similar situations in future.

For example, she could have told you at any time once she knew that her "friend" had stolen the phone- I would be interested to hear how her friends "would not let her phone". Was it that they encouraged her not to, made her feel silly for wanting to or did they actually prevent her by taking her phone? I highly doubt it was the latter, but I can imagine friend saying something like "don't be a baby and call your mum, if you do I won't be your friend/will tell everyone and nobody will speak to you". I can also understand why she might have been intimidated if the older girl shouted at her. Nevertheless, even in any of those circumstances, your DD needs to know that she should have acted differently and let you know.

4fingers6toes · 05/04/2016 13:16

It sounds like the 'friend' has stolen it to be honest. Il trying to put myself in your dd's shoes at age 11. I imagine, she was probably really scared about what you would do and intimidated by the older friend (who doesn't sound very nice) and that's why she didn't tell you straight away. I reckon the other friend has either still got it or will soon ditch it so she can't be found with it. I can't believe you haven't immediately gone round to her dad/aunt and demanded to know what happened. In my opinion it's absolutely stealing. I would make sure the friend knew cost of the item and that you expect her to pay for it. Even if you don't expect this it will show her how serious the issue is.

I can see why dd would be scared to tell/confront the friend. I do remember being that age and it was very hard to balance parents expectations and friends actions etc. She is an 11 year old standing up to a 13 year old. I would have found that hard as a child.

BabyGanoush · 05/04/2016 12:25

Maybe she sold it

Maybe your daughter is involved in (part of) this.

The lying is a bad sign.

SpidersFromMars · 05/04/2016 12:20

I'd go round to the neighbours house and get the girl to explain where the phone is.

ILikeUranus · 05/04/2016 12:19

If you don't get it back when you speak to the dad (do that today), then go to the police and report it stolen. She may decide to return it after speaking to the police.

wannadancethenightaway · 05/04/2016 12:17

Abuse not abide

wannadancethenightaway · 05/04/2016 12:17

I'm going to put it to you this way...several months ago i attended a conference regarding children's welfare. One of the speakers was a girl named Emma who was involved in the Rotherham child abide scandal. She's published a book etc. She spoke about how she became involved and it centred around hanging around shopping centres with people her parents never knew and becoming involved with older meN. Until that point I never even considered that this sort of thing even happened - call me naive. I know this is obviously not what happened to your daughter but you need to know who your DD is hanging about with especially at age 11. You could hear a pin drop as that girl spoke about her experiences. I think 11 is young to be out for that length of time and with people you don't really know. Regarding the phone...its long gone and I hope you and your husband are more careful in the future

Kidnapped · 05/04/2016 11:49

I agree with Coola upthread.

She has tried a few versions of the truth and is now sticking with the one that paints her in the most favourable light.

Even if the DD is now telling the truth about the phone (and that's debatable), and she was upset at what happened earlier in the day, she still had the presence of mind to call her mum and ask her to give the friend a lift home. Although her friends wouldn't let her call her mum to tell her about the phone, they let her call her mum to give the thief a lift home. Eh?

Why did she not go home with her mum at 4pm? Why did she say she'd go home with another friend later (doesn't seem to be too traumatised by her friends at that point) and then why did she decide to stay out a further 2 and a half hours? There's absolutely nobody else to blame for any of above.

MartinaJ · 05/04/2016 11:25

Kids fuck up. But the friend shouldn't be going close to your house. Have an open chat with your daughter and tell her that you need to trust her friends to let them into your house. Explain her that the phone had some really important data on it and by stealing/losing it, she created a very unpleasant situation for you and her Dad. She wants freedom so she needs to learn responsibility.

grapejuicerocks · 05/04/2016 11:08

Oh my, you so need to follow this through.
I wouldn't be too hard on DD as long as you can trust what she said happened the way it did. She's probably very upset about it all. I would calmly tell her that you are going to pursue this as far as needs be, maybe even as far as the police, so is she sure that things happened the way she said, as she would be in much more trouble later on if she hasn't told the truth than if she tells the truth now.

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