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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for confronting a stranger criticising my appearance?

195 replies

MarbleFox · 04/04/2016 22:23

I left work late today, missing the bus I normally catch by a couple of minutes. This meant waiting half an hour for the next one. At the bus stop there were two women, roughly my age(20) and as I approached I heard one say to the other, "Oh my God, look at the state of her hair". My hairs currently a silver/lilac shade, it's been bright purple, blue and pink so I'm used to getting the occasional comment and stare. I shrugged the comment off as I normally do but for the next 25 minutes as I waited for the bus the comments continued. Criticising my hair, clothes and general appearance while sniggering while I'm obviously in earshot. I eventually snapped and said, "Sorry but what's the problem?" Neither replied so I said, "You really shouldn't mutter horrible things about people you don't know", to which one said she wasn't talking about me. She definitely was.

I know it's daft to let this bother me and I know they were out of order but should I have ignored them? Or was responding the right thing to do? I'm normally very shy and meek so this was out of character for me.

OP posts:
notsurprisedbythis · 05/04/2016 07:43

Good for you op. Out of interest,what were they wearing? Seems odd to be criticising normal clothes and not unusual hair.

exLtEveDallas · 05/04/2016 07:51

The colour God gave you ??

God didn't give me anything thanks.

Clairol did.

Thefitfatty · 05/04/2016 07:52

Every time I color my hair a bright color, or cut it incredibly short, or go out wearing my comic book t's with ripped jeans I know full well that some people might not like what they see. Obviously, like the OP, I choose my look because I like it, not for other people.

And well I open myself up to people not liking my look, what I don't, and should not open myself up to in a civilized society, is abuse. An accidentally overheard comment of "Oh, her hair is awful" to a friend is one thing. 25 minutes of sniggering and pointing fingers is rude, and horrible, and the OP had every right to stand up for herself. The color of her hair doesn't give other people the right to be twats.

GingerMerkin · 05/04/2016 08:01

I can remember many years ago in my first job having to go to another branch for training for a week. I travelled there by bus and for that week was the subject of rude comments every day from two girls on the bus. It was twenty minutes of hell every day and I really wish I had been like you OP and had the courage to speak out. Well done.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2016 08:04

Twowrongs I am not sure what fictional 'past' you lived in or are referring to?Hmm I am unaware of a time when people didn't comment on others appearance. Pretty sure teddy boys got a hard time in the 50s. Georgians like to rip the piss out of dandies! It has always been hard standing out and it is not acceptable to make mean comments about appearance, no matter how unnatural the hair colour ffs! I really don't understand the poor manners of people who think it is acceptable or should be put up with.

pearlylum · 05/04/2016 08:06

OP you have an absolute right to dye your hair any colour you like, and dress as you please. You also deserve the right to go about your business free from harassement.

I would question however fitfatty's comments "Obviously, like the OP, I choose my look because I like it, not for other people. "
I would dispute that. If we lived alone on a desert island would we still choose to dye our hair/wear edgy clothes, because I don't believe most of us would. Why dye hair if no-one else will see it? I think we all take into account the impact we have on others.
For some of us it may be dressing like a goth or a hippy because that's how we want to be perceived. For many of us we want to conform because it rather suits to be invisible and blend into the crowd.

Unwittingly we do illicit responses when we venture out in public. Polite people should keep their views to themselves, but unfortunately some people are not polite.

Thefitfatty · 05/04/2016 08:11

I would dispute that. If we lived alone on a desert island would we still choose to dye our hair/wear edgy clothes, because I don't believe most of us would.

If we were living alone on a desert island, presumably we would be walking around naked because we have no concept of clothes, much less access to hair color....However, if, by some stretch I did have pots of purple hair color on my island, I would certainly be using it. Most likely because I would be bored to tears and coloring my hair would be something to do.

pearlylum · 05/04/2016 08:21

"If we were living alone on a desert island, presumably we would be walking around naked because we have no concept of clothes,"

Maybe we would- maybe it would be a cold desert island or we need protection from the sun. The point is that I don't believe someone who claims they dress they way they do simply for themselves.

I have heard people claim they have had cosmetic surgery simply for themselves, and not because of what others think. Absolute bullshit.
So you get your nose shaved or fillers in your lips and that's nothing to do with others?

Same with purple hair, the OP must be aware that it makes quite a bold public statement, it will illicit responses from others. I am not condoning the actions of rude people.

Dustyantique · 05/04/2016 08:25

I'm not liking the images of mass bowl cuts, beige slacks and crepe slip-ons conjured up by Harriets comments Hmm

whattheseithakasmean · 05/04/2016 08:28

I my youth I was a whacky dresser. Amazing hair, hotch potch of vintage clothes, very fun and unique. I attracted loads of comments, which I loved, because, y'know, that was why I did it - to stand out from the crowd. If you don't like standing out, maybe don't die your hair purple?

It is completely different to commenting on someone who stands out for reasons outwith their control. Purple hair is definitely a choice!

Mousefinkle · 05/04/2016 08:28

I suggest the girls get some sort of a life if they A) think lilac hair is so different and astonishing in 2016 and B) can find enough things to say about it for more than two minutes. Jesus.

I used to dye my hair every colour of the rainbow as a teenager. I also went through a bit of a goth phase where I had jet black backcombed hair and a bleach blonde fringe and at one stage had a Chelsea cut a la this is England. Comments after comments after comments. But this was a good decade+ ago when it was a lot rarer to see and I used to laugh it off, my friends and I used to take note of some of the insults to mock each other with in a jokey manner. Now I believe a lot of celebs are doing it with their hair too, it's quite the trend. Maybe these girls have been living in the wildnerness for the past few years and haven't seen Katy Perry/little mix/zayn from 1D etc.

I'd advise putting earphones in. I always have earphones in. Fwiw I have very boring normal natural hair but I still have a nose ring and I have an odd face I guess, something.. Because I still get weird looks. Ignore the sheeple, get some lovely sounds in your ears.

BadDoGooder · 05/04/2016 08:29

Bloody hell this thread has pissed me off.
I can't believe that anyone gives a crap about anyone elses appearance. Seriously, how does someones look impact on your life in anyway, shape or form.

And I also can't believe that some seem to still think that we only dress/look different from the current cultural "norm" for attention.
I have my look for me, not for anyone else, if I was on a desert island I most certainly would do the same to my hair.

Fashion is so fickle, I used to get the piss ripped out of me in school for wearing DM's "grebo" "lesbian" etc, and now the very same women I now see wearing them. Hmm
So all those judgy people, if it's in a magazine as the new big thing, why does that suddenly make it ok?

OP I would have done exactly the same in your shoes, and ignore the goady and judgmental. To care that much about someone elses choice of hair and clothes is just shallow,and shows them up for the kind of people they are.

Thefitfatty · 05/04/2016 08:31

Is purple hair still a bold public statement? I thought it was fairly run of the mill nowadays.

I would say most people choose what they wear or the color of their hair, because: A) it's an expression of themselves and what they want people to think about them and their personality, and B) they feel comfortable in it.

I don't feel comfortable dressed up. In fact, if I go out in outfits that most women my age would wear I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking that I can't pull off dresses and high heels and I look ridiculous. If I go out in my graphic t's and jeans I suddenly feel like I've disappeared under the radar. I feel comfortable. Although undoubtedly there are some people who think a 35 year old mom shouldn't have silver highlights (current hair color), a Star Wars t-shirt and jeans with holes in the knees. Frankly, I can't care what people think, I have to wear what I like.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/04/2016 08:33

Regardless of who you dress for, why should you expect public derision? Most clothing choices are cultural and tribal... We are a sociable species. clothing or hair styles may elicit a response but surely people have enough self control to avoid ridiculing others, - unless they are children or its boris johnson

Thefitfatty · 05/04/2016 08:36

Exactly bigmouth just because you dress a certain way doesn't mean you open yourself up to abuse.

People make lots of lifestyle choices that others may not choose, it doesn't mean you have a right to harass them about it.

SuffolkNWhat · 05/04/2016 08:40

I'm having my cosmetic surgery for myself thank you very much. 15 years of back pain is a good enough reason to want my reduction FOR MYSELF.

Pipbin · 05/04/2016 08:42

The victim blaming by some on this thread is astounding.

Do you honestly think that she was 'asking for it' by having purple hair?

Youarentkiddingme · 05/04/2016 08:45

I have pink dip dyed hair. It absolutely was for reasons that I wanted to and nothing to do with anyone else - or wanting to attract attention.

Same with cosmetic surgery. I have a missing tooth I want to get implanted. It's absolutely not because I think it'll please anyone else - I hate it. In fact all my friends who I tell I hate it to say they don't even notice.

Those girls were bullies. They knew what they were doing was intended to upset. What I expect is that they've always been bullies. That is why it took them by surprise when someone stood up to them.

It's a well known fact that bullies are cowards.

Lumpylumperson · 05/04/2016 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadDoGooder · 05/04/2016 08:50

judginess and narrow-mindedness are far more unattractive than anything physical.

^^^This, about a million times.

manateeandcake · 05/04/2016 08:53

I live in/near an area with lots of hipsters and fashion and media types. I see lots of women with dyed silver hair. Including the fashion stylist working on a photo shoot with Paul Hollywood in a local bakery the other day. Sounds like you're bang on trend, OP!

Pipbin · 05/04/2016 08:53

Oh, and to those who I suspect are actually only one person are saying that if you look different then you can expect comments, read about Sophie Lancaster before you carry on. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Sophie_Lancaster

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/04/2016 08:55

Shows once again that the trolls come out at night And jack shit is done about them.

BadDoGooder · 05/04/2016 09:00

Pipbin thanks for posting that link.
That poor couple, picked on just because they dared to look a bit different.

Judgy people, who make snide remarks to your friends about strangers (I hope you never do that with your kids) When you condone that attitude, you are fostering the sort of "othering" that results in assault and in v rare cases (see Pipbins link above) murder.
It is never ok to take the piss out of someone for their appearance, regardless of what you think.

raininginspringtime · 05/04/2016 09:02

I don't think harriet was trolling.

She had a minority view. I know the hair colour OP is referring to, I think it's beautiful, and at her age probably looks great.

However, I do think harriet summed things up well when she said something like 'you can dye your hair any colour, but can't stop people making comments about it.'

I don't agree with her but she had every right to post as she did and some of the comments about her are far worse than hers to the OP.