No. I'm not.

[MrsDeathOfRats]

We have bedtime issues with Dd.
Endlessly calling us back to her room for 'a wee wee' 'I need water'
'I heard a noise' 'my duvet fell off' 'i can't find rabbit' and anything else she can think of.

Last week I implemented the new routine.
We do all the things before she goes to bed including a small cup of water and 3 toilet trips. We have shown her how to work her duvet and to hold onto rabbit.
We heard nothing. 3 blissful evenings of silence after lights out.

Until tonight. When she started calling and started crying. Dh fucking caved. He went down there within minutes to explain to her that we weren't going to come

I'm fucking pissed off that he undermined me immediately. I've said that its his problem now. I wash my hands of fret bedtime duty. So he has gone all moody and grumpy and says I'm being mean.

Tosser

You are over reacting but it's understandable as you are obviously at the end of your tether with her bedtime habits and having found something that works understandably want your DP to support you. Yes he's made a mistake, but I doubt he'll keep doing it if you agree from now on there are routines to be stuck to?

I washed my hands of bedtime about 6 years ago, had managed to get DD to self settle when she was about 3. DP caved when she was poorly (fair enough) but said i was mean when i refused to sit with her (often until midnight from 8pm) until she slept. I may have even posted on here about it.

Guess what?

DD is 10 now and DP STILL has to read to her (fine) listen to her read and sit there until she fucking goes to sleep (often about midnight)

It does DD no favours, he keeps her awake i swear of it, but he wont budge - well, its his bed, let him lie in it.

He caved, he shouldn't have, move on and move forward with the bedtime routine together from now on. Let it go though, he doesn't need to be grumped at, the urge to respond to your child is strong. Just make sure that you are both in agreement on the plan from tomorrow onwards.

Jesus Lem that's terrifying. I have to sit with my 18 month old till he's asleep, usually about 30 mins. Sort of hoping he'd just grow out of it but I guess not.

He undermines me each and every time we try something.

When she was 6 months old and I tried to train her to self settle he kept giving in and he gets into a foul mood when this stuff happens.

He undermined me when I tried again at 11 months.

I succeed in training her to self settle and sleep through when she was 18 months old.
How? Let me tell you.....
H went on a trip home (he isn't English) for 2 weeks. So he couldn't undermine me. By the time he was home she was well trained.

I'm so annoyed cos it was working.
We aren't arguing. He's gone to bed.

Our DD does this. She goes through phases and it pisses me off. She is 5 and can go to bed perfectly fine. It will start with a wee (she's not actually dry at night so has a nappy on anyway), then it will be a drink, she can't find her teddy, she heard a bang etc etc etc etc etc etc. The problem is, as soon as we do it one night, it will become every night. Now she gets warned that she isn't to get up. If she does I just shout up the stairs for her to go back to bed, I don't go up unless it's important. If I do need to go up I walk her back to her room, put her in bed, say goodnight and walk back out again. She soon learns. Luckily though DH will take me lead completely so if I say don't go, then he won't.

If he has done it every time you try to sleep train her, then it sounds like he doesn't agree with sleep training? Or does he agree to do it when you discuss it in advance but crumbles as soon as she cries? I guess you need to reach a solution that you both agree with and can stick to. Maybe the rapid return approach where you just silently put her back to bed then leave straight away - could he manage that?!

I swore I wouldn't sit with dd to get her to sleep. Unfortunately she is a stubborn little moo totally not like me honest and will literally scream for hours and make herself sick on purpose (she is 2.5) so that she is not alone. We had had 15 months of this and literally tried everything.

Someone mentioned a book called "the rabbit who wanted to go to sleep" - you don't mention her age but if she is under 5 I would highly recommend getting the audio book on loop for her. Bedtime with my dd has gone from hysterical screaming at the mere mention of the words bed or sleep to usually 30 mins of peace. She loves the story so happily skips up to bed so she can have it on and it relaxes her so well she is out within 15-20 mins most nights.

Taking the fear out of it has also meant that nap time in the day has become easier too.

In answer to the OP I think you have massively overreacted. Controlled crying is awful, trust me I was pushed into it by my hv. I wasn't wholly against it but I did think dd was too young. Anyways it was vile. Dd was so ill, she was worse than every the next night, the night after etc. I refused to put either of us it through it after 3 nights. It took 3 months to get her back to "normal" and longer still to et a decent calming routine in place.

Whilst I get your frustration hearing her distressed, however put on it was, was obviously more than your dp could take. Be proud he loves his daughter that much

It's a fail staying until they go to.sleep. Yanbu

Tried rapid return - I can do it. But he gets into long winded conversations with her.
Then complains what she doesn't listen to him and doesn't believe him.

Everytime we discuss any approach he will a) agree but grudgingly.
B) tell me after we start that actually he disagrees and I'm wrong
c) not have any other solutions but I am wrong

I agree with you OP. You HAVE to be consistent. Our bedtime is like clockwork (3yr old, 1 yr old and 3 mth old) and of course every now and then they try it on (and we love them so wouldn't see them cry if it could be avoided and want to make them happy by giving them things) but we have a strict limit on messing around. Because they know where the line is they go to bed nicely almost every single time. It's kinder to them to give them proper boundaries and not leave them wondering how long they can drag it out ultimately exhausting themselves.

If he can't agree an approach and stick to it, yet can't come up with something better then yanbu! Leave him to it and enjoy something good on the telly