Was IBU over DPs dealing with our daughter?

[Dinosaur44]

Last weekend, my 4yo daughter was being difficult at bedtime, not wanting to settle with it being still light at her usual bed time. I went through our usual routine, but she was still 'not sleepy', so I left her to lay in bed for a few minutes whilst I went to fetch in the washing. In between times, my DP took it upon himself to go into DDs room and shout at her for not settling down, which quickly upset her and made her more unsettled.
Because she began crying and shoring back at DP, he decided to threaten to 'put her under the shower' (he knows she hates the shower), which obviously made her cry more. I tried to intervene, but DP sent me away, saying that I was undermining him. Screaming from DD continued, so DP took it upon himself to spray our DD in the face with a watering spray! I couldn't believe it, and dragged DP out of her room so that I could get the situation back under control. Lo and behold, some reassurance from me and a bit of quiet sitting, and DD was asleep. A huge row ensued between DP and myself, during which he accused me of spoiling our DD, informing me that his DM also shares this opinion. Please tell me I was not BU - he is making me feel like I'm going mad...

dinosaur well done for realising this is abuse. Please look up gaslighting on Wikipedia, it is when one person convinces another they are on the wrong about things. He is trying to convince you that you are wrong about how to parent your child. Please make sure you your browsing history - someone will know how to do this, sorry I don't.

He is ordering you about, controlling etc. This is not legal. You need to plan and get away safely ensuring he will not be able to get unsupervised contact if he is not safe to be around your child.

Great advice from grapes, sockamnesty and others.

You mentioned his mum, be careful not to confide anything in extended family unless they are totally trustworthy. Sounds like either his mum is supporting him or he thinks she is or is using her to back up his weird views on parenting.

Good luck OP - you are worth so much more than this and so is your precious dd.

Please make sure you hide your browsing history.

Wow. Feeling really down today, have been reading back through all of your responses and I feel so weak for everything that's happened, both in this incident and in the past. Thank you to everyone who has pointed me in the direction of help, and offered guidance on how best to move forward whilst protecting my children in the future - I know I can't let things carry on as they are, I guess I am just so worried and scared about how I will do this, and how I will be strong enough to get through all the rubbish I know my partner will create - he will deny everything, try to make me look stupid, try to make me look incapable, drag up everything about me and my past that I hate and that I know won't reflect well (I am terribly in debt), but I also know that I can't let that put me off, that I have enough people in my life who have witnessed elements of his behaviour that will help me to build my case. Agree that I need to take some time to get this right, that a knee jerk reaction will probably make things worse all round. Thanks again everyone for your help.

That's why you need to contact Women's Aid OP, they have seen it all before, a billion times. Nothing he does will surprise or fox them.

OP I know you are leaving because of the abuse; but really, you can decide at any stage to leave your husband - abuser or not. That's the joy of the modern world, nobody is actually going to hang us for it. The main thing is to get yourself and the kids to safety, deal with the fallout later.

DoreenLethal, see Italiangreyhound 's very sensible advice about getting together evidence of this child abuse, in order to protect her dd after the separation.

It is absolutely child abuse.

I would not, in a million years, do that to my dog. Let alone a child.

Please protect your children.

DoreenLethal, see Italiangreyhound 's very sensible advice about getting together evidence of this child abuse, in order to protect her dd after the separation

Yes, in this case getting evidence would assist in blocking access to her daughter. But anyone can leave their spouse at any time, if it isn't working for them. You do not have to wait until you have evidence of abuse to leave a relationship.

You are not weak. You can and will sort this with the help of women's aid. Please give them a call.

I can only contribute here as an onlooker. I have gathered from elsewhere that it is best if you try not to let your partner know what you are planning to do, if you can. Sort yourself out somewhere to go as soon as is possible for you and then leave with your children without warning him, preferably whilst he is not there, so he comes home to a fait accompli and you are safely ensconsed somewhere.
I believe Refuge might help you: www.refuge.org.uk/ , helpline: 0808 2000 247 (that is a national helpline 24 hrs a day number, run in conjunction with Women's Aid).
Good luck.