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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU over DPs dealing with our daughter?

85 replies

Dinosaur44 · 04/04/2016 17:48

Last weekend, my 4yo daughter was being difficult at bedtime, not wanting to settle with it being still light at her usual bed time. I went through our usual routine, but she was still 'not sleepy', so I left her to lay in bed for a few minutes whilst I went to fetch in the washing. In between times, my DP took it upon himself to go into DDs room and shout at her for not settling down, which quickly upset her and made her more unsettled.
Because she began crying and shoring back at DP, he decided to threaten to 'put her under the shower' (he knows she hates the shower), which obviously made her cry more. I tried to intervene, but DP sent me away, saying that I was undermining him. Screaming from DD continued, so DP took it upon himself to spray our DD in the face with a watering spray! I couldn't believe it, and dragged DP out of her room so that I could get the situation back under control. Lo and behold, some reassurance from me and a bit of quiet sitting, and DD was asleep. A huge row ensued between DP and myself, during which he accused me of spoiling our DD, informing me that his DM also shares this opinion. Please tell me I was not BU - he is making me feel like I'm going mad...

OP posts:
HeffalumpHistory · 04/04/2016 19:22

So she's scared of the shower, he threatens to put her in it & then sprays her with water???
That is bloody awful! Your poor dd!
It's cruel Angry

Have skimmed your other post, will re read once DC are in bed but my gut instinct is to say get out OP & get out now!

Boogers · 04/04/2016 19:28

What a nasty bastard! Has he always been a sadistic bully?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2016 19:30

If the op has not disclosed this behaviour to someone that matters like a GP a SW a HV then it looks like you have normal active father who is fine one day then all of a sudden when you leave you say he is a massive bastard.

The op has what going by her posts a genuine case of what is abusive behaviour towards her child but one that if she jumps ship now without pre disclousure will get ignored or treated as a wild exaggeration.

Yes disclousure will result in various referals BUT if she makes it clear she is disclosing in order to protect her child from current and future harm she will get the help she needs.

ohtheholidays · 04/04/2016 19:53

It's beyond wrong OP that amounts to child abuse!

Have you got anywhere you and your DD can go tonight,a friends,family?You really do need to get your DD and yourself away from him OP and asap.If not can you afford a B&B for tonight?

If you haven't already you should speak to womens aid www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CNjpvuzS9csCFbMK0wodGXUN0w I know how terrifying it can be but they really are good and they now have a link on there showing you how to cover your tracks online.

In the past I used the womens aid to help me to help 2 different women both with 2 young children each to get away from they're abusive husbands.They were amazing with the actual physical help they gave and the emotional support.

My DH is a Police Officer and I used to work with SS within child protection and what he has done would warrant involvement with the Police and SS. OP before it gets any worse and he ends up doing something that can't be undone you need to get your DD and yourself away from him.

LifeCrossRoad · 04/04/2016 19:54

Well done for realising you need to leave him.
You cannot scare someone to go to sleep,any rational person would see that isn't going to work. Can you go and stay with relatives/friends.
Agree with phoning woman's aid for advice

Boogers · 04/04/2016 19:56

OP Sometimes it takes saying something to a bunch of strangers on the internet with the overwhelming reply that it's not normal for you to click that something's wrong. You know deep down that you need to leave, for both yours and your DD's sake, but that's easier said than done. As sockamnesty says, your first port of call might be to a healthcare professional who can reassure you that this type of behaviour is wrong and can document what's happened so as to build a case should it come to that.

Do you have anywhere you can go to? Someone earlier in the thread gave the number for Woman's Aid - do you feel up to giving them a call when you can?

FantasticButtocks · 04/04/2016 20:00

This is child abuse. You need to keep your daughter safe. He needs reporting for this abuse because she must be protected from it, both immediately and for the long term.

StarlingMurmuration · 04/04/2016 20:26

Just to reiterate what others have said, this is child abuse. There have been several well documented cases of extremely serious child abuse where showers or baths were used to "punish" children, and to threaten your daughter with this, even if he hasn't done it, is appalling. I hope you get the support and strength to leave this bully. Flowers

DixieNormas · 04/04/2016 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 04/04/2016 20:50

Apart from everything already mentioned, he deliberately set her up to fail and incur his punishment. As if he had told her to sit still and then stuck pins in her.

Muldjewangk · 04/04/2016 20:57

He actually abused your DD for not being able to go to sleep, how is being shouted at, water sprayed in her face and threatened with being dragged under the shower supposed to make a four year old sleep. She must have been terrified, he sent you out of the room, how could you have walked away, even for a few minutes? This makes me sick, poor little girl. Image another thirteen or fourteen years of this, she would be a total mess. I would report him and would never want her to have to stay with him overnight, ever!

icelollycraving · 04/04/2016 21:11

Your 'd' p is a cunt. Not a word I ever use but appears to sum him up.
What's he afraid of because I'd be trying that at bedtime. Angry

limon · 04/04/2016 21:15

Cruel bastard . I wouldn't be able to forgive this kind of hideous aggressive and cruel behaviour Angry

badfurday · 04/04/2016 21:19

What a cunt. Leave him, he'll only get worse. You and your daughter deserve better than that.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2016 21:44

If it was me i would be making a disclousure to my childs doctor and asking for referals to be made to support services for her. I would also be asking my HV to make a referal to your local safeguarding hub.

I would be being clear and precise about the context of the behaviour towards the child and making certain nobody could document it as messing around or water play and making it very clear that I would be seeking what ever legal remadies availible to me inorder to further protect my child and explaining that I needed professional support in order to do so as without it the systems ability to protect her would be lessened.

I would then use the fall out from these referals to get him out of the house, then I would not be engaging in any talk of contact for her or me without professional input,

I would be making it clear that all contact had to be safe contact, not contact blocking but ensuring safe contact. There is a big difference.

"I have sought advice from children's services and at the moment they do not recommend contact occurs" is much better than "no you can't see her"

Force any comunication you have with him to be in writing and where possible comunicate in writing with services where not possible take detailed notes and request minutes ASAP.

Ultimately he will get contact and after a bit of faff it will be unsupervised BUT you will have done what you can to protect her and by doing so protect yourself.

luckySwallow13 · 04/04/2016 21:52

Agree with the others. How is that going to settle a child ?!?!? That's just a cruel punishment .. She could end up being scared of water / showers for the rest of her life and associate it with abuse.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2016 21:53

Oh and unless he turned polife turn up violent, short term I wouldn't be leaving until I had prepared like this and he would be the leaving one not me

Original poster
Dinosaur44 · 04/04/2016 22:03

Again, thank you all so much for your helpful suggestions, and support. I was so scared to post as I felt so weak for not having done something before now, for staying so long. As one of you posted, just 'voicing' what happened has cemented in my mind just how wrong this was, how wrong my partner's behaviour has been for years (we also have two older children). I have spent this evening looking into how I can get away, and all of your suggestions have been very helpful. I won't be letting nothing like this happen again.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 04/04/2016 22:09

What a fucking abusive dick. I would be chucking water in his face after that stunt, followed by throwing him out the front door. Your poor DD Sad

Boogers · 04/04/2016 22:09

Good luck Dinosaur!

ohtheholidays · 04/04/2016 22:29

Good for you Dinosaur,please know your not to blame in any of this.

When you've been so worn down by the constant put downs and even just the fear of it turning physical towards you and you've been seperated from those that would support you it does make you question yourself that's why Gaslighting is so popular with abusive partners because they know it works.
They know it makes they're victim blame themselves,they know it can make the person they're abusing feel like they're loosing they're mind.

I've been there myself,from the age of 18-25 I was in an abusive marriage and I constantly though it was my fault,that I must have been doing something wrong for him to turn the way he did and we had 2DC together.

I managed to make him leave but it took 9 years and honestly some of what he did to me was so bad that if I reported him now and he was charged he'd be going away for a very long time and I left him 15 years ago.

sleeponeday · 04/04/2016 22:32

Everything Sock says. All of it.

luckySwallow13 · 05/04/2016 00:23

Good luck op !

MistressDeeCee · 05/04/2016 00:33

She's only 4! Mind you its wrong whatever age a child is but Shock

Why is it so important for some people to WIN?! She hadn't gone to sleep immediately and..? Its hardly "flip your lid" time is it, she' have drifted off eventually

& he's clearly been criticising him to his mum. He needs to fuck the hell off, with his stupid anger issues. As for his mum - beyond any form of redemption.

Lets see how he feels when he is dumped out of the equasion, as he fully deserves. He sounds more unsettled and noisy then your DD ffs. Its good you've voiced it now OP now onto the next step to get away from this obnoxious behaviour

ExpressTrainComingThrough · 05/04/2016 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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