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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU over DPs dealing with our daughter?

85 replies

Dinosaur44 · 04/04/2016 17:48

Last weekend, my 4yo daughter was being difficult at bedtime, not wanting to settle with it being still light at her usual bed time. I went through our usual routine, but she was still 'not sleepy', so I left her to lay in bed for a few minutes whilst I went to fetch in the washing. In between times, my DP took it upon himself to go into DDs room and shout at her for not settling down, which quickly upset her and made her more unsettled.
Because she began crying and shoring back at DP, he decided to threaten to 'put her under the shower' (he knows she hates the shower), which obviously made her cry more. I tried to intervene, but DP sent me away, saying that I was undermining him. Screaming from DD continued, so DP took it upon himself to spray our DD in the face with a watering spray! I couldn't believe it, and dragged DP out of her room so that I could get the situation back under control. Lo and behold, some reassurance from me and a bit of quiet sitting, and DD was asleep. A huge row ensued between DP and myself, during which he accused me of spoiling our DD, informing me that his DM also shares this opinion. Please tell me I was not BU - he is making me feel like I'm going mad...

OP posts:
Topseyt · 04/04/2016 18:15

Are you scared he will be violent towards you and your DD?

Sirzy · 04/04/2016 18:16

Do you have real life support? Your comment about bring scared what he will do worried me.

TwoLittleBlooms · 04/04/2016 18:17

YA definitely NBU - that was a twattish thing to do your DD. The threats of the shower are mean, and actually following through (to any child but one so young) is just abhorrent. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and you (and your poor DD) would be better off without him - he is abusive.

grapejuicerocks · 04/04/2016 18:18

What happens when you are not there to protect her and he has her for weekends etc? Are you going to stop him seeing her? It's going to get messy.

1frenchfoodie · 04/04/2016 18:19

YANBU - we use water spray with our puppy to great effect even though some people disagree with it but I'd never use for my daughter! Totally unreasonable attitude on his part and hope you get the support and confidence you need to deal with this.

buckingfrolicks · 04/04/2016 18:22

that is appalling behaviour - absolutely abusive, shocking, and utterly vile. I'm afraid it's a LTB from me too. No way are you being U.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 04/04/2016 18:34

Horribly abusive behaviour.

LeaLeander · 04/04/2016 18:36

I would not allow someone to treat a pet that way let alone a human child. He sounds like a miserable, abusive asshole.

What age is he? And why are he and his mother talking behind your back about your parenting choices?

GoHome · 04/04/2016 18:41

No that's not good. I can understand getting frustrated when children won't go to bed (I certainly do!) - but straying water in a 4 yr old's face is not acceptable.

I wouldn't be happy if my 4 yr old complied and went quietly to bed purely because they were terrified of being punished.

Mooey89 · 04/04/2016 18:42

OP, I've been there.
You question how bad things are because you have been subjected to this shit for so long. It's not normal parenting. I'd be willing to bet that it's one in a huge catalogue of examples of abusive behaviour and I can't say this strongly enough it is not normal.

It is abusive.

You and your DD deserve SO much more, and she needs you to speak for her.
Please, please. LTB.

GoHome · 04/04/2016 18:44

You are not spoiling your DD. I actually have to lie in bed with my 4 year old every night - he take about 20 mins to fall asleep and likes to chat first and then drift off. Much nicer than what your DP tries to do

EweAreHere · 04/04/2016 18:44

Go to your GPs office for resources/contacts re how to leave safely.

TooOldForGlitter · 04/04/2016 18:44

How is that remotely helpful grapes? I should think that's the last thing the OP needs to hear.

SeaCabbage · 04/04/2016 18:45

Threatening the poor thing with the shower and shouting at her are even worse than the water spraying I think. Really nasty, bullying behaviour from him.

Judging by this thread I bet you could tell us all sort of horrible things he has done. And that is really worrying.

I hope you can get away from this horrible man.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/04/2016 18:52

My god, what a horrible thing to do. I would hit the roof if DH even threatened it, let alone did it.

YADNBU.

grapejuicerocks · 04/04/2016 18:53

Probably the last thing she needs to hear, but she needs to consider it I'm afraid.
I did type it in a hurry as the dinner needed seeing to. But yes, she does need to think this through, although she should still LTB.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 04/04/2016 18:57

I feel your pain OP. Sod him and sod his mother. He is a horrible man. If you can leave, leave. If not, spend the next few months figuring out how. Get help from Home Start with ideas on how and family support. They will be able to help you xx Good luck.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2016 19:00

what next for your daughter at the hands of this cunt, op ?

waterboarding when she doesn't eat her veg ?

Fuck me, it's frightening what some people will do to get the better of a 4yo

HappinessLivesHere · 04/04/2016 19:05

You need to get your daughter away from this "man" and protect her. If you can't do it for yourself do it for her. You both deserve so much better.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2016 19:11

How is that remotely helpful grapes? I should think that's the last thing the OP needs to hear

No glitter it's one of the single most helpful posts on the entire thread and exactly what she needs to hear, at least well over LTB.

Let's say she does not prepare by taking advice and obtaining sugested support what she ends up with is almost instant EOW contact unsupervised at minimum with her only arguement being 'he sprayed water at her'

Bide you time seek appropreate help and you then end up with a case that means something and may enable you to actually protect your child

sleeponeday · 04/04/2016 19:13

That's child abuse. You need to protect your daughter. Poor little scrap - what an utter, total bastard.

Have you talked to the health visitor and your GP about him? You need to, because if you leave and haven't, then you sound like a bitter ex if you only raise concerns then. You need to have an accurate account of his behaviour and your concerns logged in advance, so you can have undertakings written into any separation agreement regarding contact, to protect your little girl as much as possible.

Buzzardbird · 04/04/2016 19:15

You got the number for Women's Aid OP?

0808 2000 247

sleeponeday · 04/04/2016 19:15

X-post.

You need to get this logged as a concern by someone who can provide contemporaneous evidence that it was happening. You really, really do.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2016 19:16

OP, you might want to consider moving this over to the Relationships board. Not because you haven't had appropriate responses (you have), but because if you choose to work towards getting your daughter away from this piece of shit there is a wealth of experience over there.

XIsACunt · 04/04/2016 19:17

What a nasty bit of work he is. You need to get rid Op. If he thinks that shouting at, threatening and spraying a 4 year old with water is acceptable and appropriate then I dread to think how his punishments will escalate. Poor little thing.

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