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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be excited about being 'the other girl' in a threesome

103 replies

AreBags · 04/04/2016 00:48

Met a guy in the pub I go in regularly. Lots of chemistry but he has a gf - he revealed this to me early on. Some background - early 20s and not been remotely promiscuous previously. I came out of a relationship just before Christmas and am not ready emotionally for anything else. Bisexual but not actually had a relationship with a girl
Anyway, this guy told me on Thursday that he and his girlfriend have threesomes quite often but she's always the decider - so he won't do anything without her blessing and she has to be there etc. The way he speaks about her is amazing - he is clearly obsessed.
So I for some reason (drunk) agreed to all this but as I've not met her yet we've texted a bit and I'm meeting her for a bit on Wednesday.

AIBU to be really rather excited at the prospect of sex without any strings or am I being an idiot?

OP posts:

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 05/04/2016 11:04

OP, after knowing someone for a couple of weeks, can you really describe him as a 'close friend'? That's ringing alarm bells with me, tbh. Not the threesome situation, but the fact that anyone would describe a 2 week-old friendship as a close friendship. It makes me wonder about your level of vulnerability. For someone to suggest this to you so quickly sounds like he targeted you - it's not exactly the sort of suggestion you could make to just anyone!

BassAce · 05/04/2016 11:05

My partner and I often invite a third person into our relationship... contrary to the pearl-clutching points of view I'm not lacking in self confidence, doing it just to keep my man, or in any way forced into it. As a confident, bisexual woman it's for me a way to occasionally explore that side of my sexuality within the safety of a loving and trusting relationship and is nothing but an exciting and mutually beneficial experience for all involved.
OP if it's done properly and you click equally with both her and him, I can assure you that you won't be made to feel the 'third wheel' or spare part in proceedings... rather you will be lavished with attention from two people, and as the novelty to proceedings you will rightly get the lions share of time in the spotlight.
On a practical note, just as anyone should be doing with a straight twosome hookup, you need to discuss sexuality history and decide on appropriate contraception between yourselves. As a courtesy to the other woman, it's good to ask in advance what boundaries are on certain things... ie penetrative sex may be fine, but ejaculation may be preferred only with her for example.

If you have an open mind and a sense of humour you have the potential to have great fun. And like any 'normal' relationship the key to it all is open communication and discussion. A good book to read about healthy polyamorous relationships and threesomes is 'The Ethical Slut' (available on amazon), dispels a lot of the myths cited on here about how it actually works and the mindsets of those who do it.

Sparklingbrook · 05/04/2016 11:08

I don't see ' pearl clutching'. Just advice to keep safe more than anything.

Stresshead123 · 05/04/2016 11:08

Bassace totally with you & well articulated that's what I wanted to say.

Namechangingchameleon · 05/04/2016 11:24

Have fun OP, couldn't say on a FFM 3some but me and DH have had an occasional MMF one which has always worked well, nobody's felt left out.(DH is 100 per cent straight so it's always down to me though!)

Let us know how it goes

DogPaw · 05/04/2016 11:26

Lots of people being judgemental here. It's the "no sex please, we're British" brigade.

The accidental character of your meeting with the guy could be risky as you should know - so if you decide to go for it, it's better if you actually let someone you know and trust know where you are (even if you don't give them all the saucy details).

What is happening within the couple (who wants the threesome and who is just going along) - is not your concern. Their relationship can be perfect and they just want to add some playfulness or it can be "dysfunctional" and oppressive. If you can stay calm, pay attention and listen to what they say, you will get an inkling from the way they behave when you meet them. If at any time it feels uncomfortable, you get up and leave. Sex feels best when there is trust in the relationship -- whether you can establish that with people you have just met, it's another matter (not impossible, but not easy either).

It's normal to have doubts because you have been raised in a society where people are told sexual fantasies are "slimey" when acted, so it's societal doubts you are experiencing. It's like asking yourself "can I paint my house violent colours because it amuses me?" -- and would receive answers along the line of "not if you want to ever sell it on..."

Sparklingbrook · 05/04/2016 11:28

TBF this thread is in AIBU so there may just be opinions. Could go in the Sex Topic maybe?

Onlygingergothinthevillage · 05/04/2016 11:37

I wouldn't go there to be honest. I did contemplate it once but backed out. A guy I was with at the time said it was his 'ultimate fantasy' he thought he had found another willing participant but she backed out as well. I think I was going through a bit of a wild phase at the time. To be honest I'm soooo glad I didn't go through with it!

BertrandRussell · 05/04/2016 12:16

"Lots of people being judgemental here. It's the "no sex please, we're British" brigade."

Utter bollocks. Not there isn't. There are people suggesting that for her own emotional and physical safety It may not be the best idea for the OP to got too deeply involved with someone she had known for two weeks and somebody she has never met.

And that having very deep conversations about sex and sexuality and becoming best friends with someone she has known for two weeks would ring alarm bells for me- it looks very much as if he was on the watch for her and has targeted her. I would put money on him being significantly older than her.

Branleuse · 05/04/2016 12:22

im sure itll be fun OP. Ive had a couple of threesomes, and whilst not my favourite sexual experiences ever, they were still fun.

I think the reality is trickier than the fantasy

WeAllHaveWings · 05/04/2016 12:39

Bisexual but not actually had a relationship with a girl

I have no experience of threesomes or being bisexual and may be talking crap, but do you really want the first time you explore your bisexuality further to be in an also first time threesome? I think you are considering taking yourself into a very emotionally vulnerable situation with people who are basically strangers to you.

Flashbangandgone · 05/04/2016 13:35

Lots of people being judgemental here. It's the "no sex please, we're British" brigade.

Really?!? I was thinking just the opposite, and surprised at how many people were talking about this in such a matter of fact way, with many posters seemingly having had similar experiences of their own!

aussiecita · 05/04/2016 14:23

You've been tight with this guy for a couple of weeks, and you consider him a 'mid to close friend'? It sets off red flags that you don't have much else or other people going on in your life, if you've elevated him to that level within such a short time frame - and I wonder if he's picked up on that. I'd love to be wrong, for your sake. Do be smart about this.

Mumof4beautifulchildren · 05/04/2016 14:42

If it's what u really want to do go for it but like others have said u said yes whilst drunk..

jeremyisahunt · 05/04/2016 15:36

Op, I would post again in 'sex' or 'relationships'. You will get a better response there.

annandale · 05/04/2016 15:49

I'm relieved to see gently's comment - my experience of a threesome was a furrowed brow experience trying to make sure that nobody felt left out. Imagine one of the 'managing sibling rivalry' threads with no blood relationships involved - and it was exactly that erotic as well. That was MMF though. I would want a lot of talk about what their and my expectations were tbh partly as that would be a huge turnon but perhaps for you spontaneity is where it's at.

SodDiamondsPasstheVodka · 06/04/2016 02:51

Go for it if you fancy it. Honestly if you don't do this when single and in your early 20's when will you ever?
Just do a few sensible things ... tell a friend you're going out, make sure they have the address and if you haven't called by ... x:am that you have a problem and don't forget to call/text after all has gone well!
No photos/videos.
Safe sex if they're bonking others - be sensible etc etc

Disclaimer: Yes I did, no I don't regret it at all, but wouldn't now cos now .. I'm settled down.

PageStillNotFound404 · 06/04/2016 03:29

There's something "off" here. (With the guy, not the OP.)

You were having "deep" chats about sexuality within a few days of getting to know him, despite the fact he's got a long-term partner, and within a fortnight he'd asked you for a threesome? Is this his usual modus operandi - chat up any likely-looking random woman who comes into his pub, get the conversation onto sex ASAP and then see if you'll be up for a threesome?

At what point did you find out a) he's got a GF and b) they're open to threesomes? If there was a gap (as much as there can be within a roughly two week period) between a) and b), why didn't you cool it with the sex talk once you knew he had a partner? How often have you seen/chatted to him since you met him? For you to consider him a "mid-to-close friend" and be prepared to jump into bed with them, I'd assume it's been a pretty intense couple of weeks? How does his girlfriend feel about him investing so much time in you and chatting so intimately about sex with a woman he's only just met? That's the first question I'd be asking her tomorrow. Why didn't he arrange for her to be in the pub one night so he could introduce you and give her a chance to "check you out" before he suggested the threesome to you?

I'll be happy for your sake OP to be proved wrong, but this reads to me like a disaster waiting to happen because it doesn't sound like a couple choosing together to invite a third person into their bed, it sounds like he fancies you and is, at best, taking advantage of the fact is GF is/may be open to threesomes to act on that. That might turn out to be how they operate, but it's not a situation I'd want to get embroiled in. There are healthy ways to go about setting up a threesome; this doesn't sound like one of them.

QuimReaper · 06/04/2016 12:33

I agree with all of that Page. I didn't realise OP had only known him a couple of weeks.

cleaty · 06/04/2016 12:34

You still won't have had a relationship with a woman. Just sex. There is a difference.

EveryoneElsie · 06/04/2016 12:38

I think you'll be doing it with her while he watches, then you get to watch him do her. If you're into her that might be ok. If you fancied a shag with him you could end up feeling left out.

You need to put guidelines in place beforehand such as not discussing it with anyone outside the 3some, so as not to end up in an awkward situation down the line.

cleaty · 06/04/2016 12:45

Also check for hidden cameras. I am serious about this. This is how some "amateur" porn gets made.

TrippleBlessed · 06/04/2016 13:40

This sounds a bit dodgy, you don't know them, they could be murderers for all you know. Don't do it.

Titsywoo · 06/04/2016 13:50

I did it (as the woman in a relationship). It was fun although a bit more awkward then imagined but fantasies always are. I don't get jealous watching DH have sex with other women though (and vice versa) so it wasn't a bit deal. The only thing that concerns me is STDs so be careful.

Sparklingbrook · 06/04/2016 13:52

Cameras. Ewww. Not even thought of that.

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