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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be excited about being 'the other girl' in a threesome

103 replies

AreBags · 04/04/2016 00:48

Met a guy in the pub I go in regularly. Lots of chemistry but he has a gf - he revealed this to me early on. Some background - early 20s and not been remotely promiscuous previously. I came out of a relationship just before Christmas and am not ready emotionally for anything else. Bisexual but not actually had a relationship with a girl
Anyway, this guy told me on Thursday that he and his girlfriend have threesomes quite often but she's always the decider - so he won't do anything without her blessing and she has to be there etc. The way he speaks about her is amazing - he is clearly obsessed.
So I for some reason (drunk) agreed to all this but as I've not met her yet we've texted a bit and I'm meeting her for a bit on Wednesday.

AIBU to be really rather excited at the prospect of sex without any strings or am I being an idiot?

OP posts:
ExConstance · 04/04/2016 13:16

You only live once and sometimes trying something new is just too exciting a prospect to turn down. So long as you don't take it too seriously and are prepared for it to be rather disappointing (possibly) why not?

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2016 13:17

All sounds a bit dodgy to me. Meeting a bloke in the pub whilst drunk and agreeing to stuff.
But if that's what floats your boat and you are excited. Great.

BartholinsSister · 04/04/2016 13:17

It would be interesting to hear how your text conversation with the GF has progressed, I guess you'll find out her thoughts on Wednesday.

AppleSetsSail · 04/04/2016 13:17

As a middle aged woman prone to bouts of pearl-clutching, I say go for it - if you want to.

Caveat: I would exhaustively research the safety angle first.

Youarentkiddingme · 04/04/2016 13:18

How long have you known this bloke and how long had you known him before he made his invite?

There's a few situations I'd want to consider before agreeing.

  1. that he doesn't go around making friends with woman to invite them into having threesomes. That in fact it's him getting his jollies and his gf goes along with it because she's afraid if she didn't she'd lose him.

  2. what will it entail? If it's him having sex with you both whilst the other watches what do you and this girl get from it. If it's each of you in turn and you get to explore his gf why he watches what do you, he and she get from it?

Personally I'd say you've thought about it and decided to decline. See if he hangs around chatting to you in future. If he fucks off then you have your answer I think about what the situation is.

My best friend and I once had a conversation about threesomes, why people do it, how we think we'd feel and then asked her DH his opinion. We all agreed that as friends it would ruin it and that a threesome would be better off with 3 single people. (Although none of us fancied the idea anyway!)

Marquand · 04/04/2016 13:22

If it is something that you are curious about, and are sure you won't regret it later (especially from a moral point of view), why not try it?

If you like it, cool, if you don't, you never need to worry about it again.

I don't quite get it, but there are clearly a lot of people who enjoy threesomes, and you might be one of them.

HairySubject · 04/04/2016 13:25

I would love to have a threesome but only in the way you describe, by joining a couple. I could never do it with my own partner if I had one
If the thought turns you on then go for it. Meet the other woman, have a few drinks, see if there is chemistry and go from there.

Rebecca2014 · 04/04/2016 13:29

If op is meeting the girl then surely she be able work out for herself if this girl enjoys threesomes or is doing it just for her boyfriend.

I am guessing the girlfriend is bisexual too? Maybe this is her way off getting her rocks off you know.

BertrandRussell · 04/04/2016 13:32

I would have to know somebody a damn sight better than "somebody I met in a pub" before I made myself as vulnerable as this...............

bogofeternalstench · 04/04/2016 13:36

I've been the 'third wheel' in a threesome. Also after a relationship (marriage) breakdown. We met on a website dedicated to finding partners for threesomes and other unusual sexual desires. I'd always been curious about my sexuality but had never explored it and decided I wanted to.
The couple and I chatted online and via Skype for a few weeks to be sure we were all up for it, so there was no worry about someone being unhappy about the situation.

And you know what? It was fine. It wasn't the best sex ever but it was enjoyable & fun.

The couple messaged me a few months later asking whether I'd be interested in repeating the experience but by then I was in a new relationship so wasn't.

So nobody was scarred by it. We had a fun evening, their relationship obviously coped ok with the situation.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no harm as long as you're sure that everybody involved is definitely willing. And you take the obvious safety precautions and get to know them a bit first.

QuimReaper · 04/04/2016 13:41

OP, please have a very open conversation in advance about your boundaries (yours, as well as the other two parties) and all agree that there can be no mid-game renegotiation. Start with what you're very comfortable with and you can always take it from there and try new things next time if you enjoy yourself enough to want to repeat the experience.

Good luck!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/04/2016 13:57

I'll second all the comments about very clearly setting your boundaries. And not just your sexual boundaries, but things like - is anyone allowed to take photos, or film?

I'd expect the girlfriend to have some boundaries to lay, too, like whether you can have sex with him, if any particular positions/activities are out of bounds, etc.

Also make sure you have a plan for afterwards. Where will it happen? Will you be safe? How will you go home afterwards - prebooked taxi? It could be very awkward waiting around their house, if that's where you're planning on going - it could not be, but it's best to prepare for the worst-case.

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2016 14:06

When do you have the chat about everyone's sexual health being OK?

PPie10 · 04/04/2016 14:09

I would have to know somebody a damn sight better than "somebody I met in a pub" before I made myself as vulnerable as this............

Agree. Op you need to take responsibility of your sexual health instead of being picked up by who random men. Who know what they are carrying around. It's your responsibility.

Sallystyle · 04/04/2016 14:13

would have to know somebody a damn sight better than "somebody I met in a pub" before I made myself as vulnerable as this

Absolutely this.

Mondrian · 04/04/2016 14:42

Out of curiosity has anyone ever had great sex after meeting to set boundaries, doing background checks, discussing sexual health ..... ?

herecomesthsun · 04/04/2016 14:47

There was a women's magazine that had an article about this recently, from the point of view of all 3 parties. I think the single woman who joined the couple had the most difficult time, as the couple were inevitably a bit more concerned with each other. It sounds like a difficult scenario to navigate socially. Also I'd be really concerned about personal safety as well as potential GUM issues (from said article, a plentiful supply of condoms that can be changed at different points in proceedings would be useful.)

Starspread · 04/04/2016 14:49

Mondrian - if you approach it as a joyful pre-sex anticipatory thing, confirming you're all on the same page and everyone has as much fun as possible, then yes; if (as some people on this thread seem to consider it) the only way to minimise the otherwise-inevitable physical and emotional damage, not so much.

OP, perfectly reasonable. Enjoy being the guest star, and likely being spoilt by both of them :)

herecomesthsun · 04/04/2016 14:59

In answer to Mondrian, for many people that is part of building up a relationship.

I am a bit atypical myself because a lot of my attitude I think comes from my grandmother who was very pretty and also worked as a cook in service as a young girl/woman. She was chased around by the young men of the house and she started giving me (feisty, pre-feminist) advice about how to look after myself when I was 11. e.g. how to deal with a man trying to force you into sex, where to kick etc.

Especially with people you don't know well/ have no other knowledge of them than a conversation in a pub, there is a risk involved of going somewhere you don't know and I would be really concerned to set some boundaries beforehand rather than find myself later with regrets that stuff had happened that I didn't want. And I have always, thanks I think to good old feisty gran, been really mouthy about what I want and what I don't want to do/ happen and what I want to know/ agree before I go any further. It may not be terribly romantic and in the moment but it is better than feeling/ being used or abused to my mind.

herecomesthsun · 04/04/2016 15:04

Ah article here. Oh and good luck, wishing you well.

AdrenalineFudge · 04/04/2016 15:09

This isn't something I'd like or be into but if it floats all of your boats then go for it.

Bettydownthehall · 04/04/2016 15:13

I did it. It was fun and as the couple were well used to each other I was all new and shiny and got the most attention. Grin

Telladomi · 04/04/2016 15:15

This is useful (aimed more at the couple), but NSFW

ohjoysextoy.com/threesomes

huskylover · 04/04/2016 15:20

The very idea of this, is making my toes curl. It's the vulnerability of it too. You are going to be naked in a room with 2 other people, who could have locked the door, they could be into some really weird shit...and they are a team. You're not on the team. What if they turned on you?

probably doesn't help that I recently watched a documentary and a couple who went back to a couples room for drinks, got murdered

Buzzardbird · 04/04/2016 15:24

How like the home life of our own dear Queen.

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