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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my friend?

100 replies

GeraldineWigglesworth · 02/04/2016 09:19

I'm sure I'll get mixed reactions but I'm just interested in what others think.

Anyhow. On Monday I called my friend, let's call her Sarah, and suggested meeting on Tuesday. She agreed and all was good. Later on Monday, Sarah text me a couple of times re. going to a pub for lunch with her brother and Sarah's daughter. All fine. Tuesday morning, I text Sarah and said that I couldn't really afford lunch but would love to meet for drinks and for her just to text me when they had eaten and I'd pop over. The pub is literally 5 mins away so no problem. This was about 10.30am.

No response. The day went on and I kept expecting a reply but nothing. I had rearranged a meeting with my accountant to discuss some important issues so I was getting annoyed. I tried to call at about midday but it went to answer machine.

Anyhow, nothing all day. So, Wednesday afternoon I sent a text saying I was disappointed that I hadn't been contacted as it would have been nice to know if the meeting was off for some reason. Sick child or something.

No answer. However, I saw her on FB with a video of her and her giggling child so I knew her daughter wasn't sick.

Was I wrong to call her out on not at least letting me know what was going on? My text was very polite.

OP posts:

ShinyTurd · 02/04/2016 10:42

How is the OP trying to get her friend to pay for lunch? Where did that come from?!! I love MN sometimes.

Mousefinkle · 02/04/2016 10:44

at people suggesting she might not have received the texts. It's 2016, texts don't get lost in transit.

It was flakey of you. You had plans for dinner which you effectively pulled out of but said you'd do drinks instead. I'd be annoyed and think "fuck that, no point" too. If you had money for drinks you surely had money for a plate of chips too.

razmataz · 02/04/2016 10:49

YABU!

You're the one who changed the plans at the last minute and for a very flakey reason.

Drinks? Surely that would have been as expensive as a bowl of soup or a plate of chips? And that would mean additional expense for your friend who would then have to fork out for further drinks after already paying for lunch.

Yes, slightly rude of her not to text you back - but I think you were more rude for cancelling lunch at the last minute.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 02/04/2016 10:50

You suggested meeting. She said lunch. you said yes. Then the next day you text oh sorry cannot afford lunch now. I'd of ignored you too. YABU.

thecatfromjapan · 02/04/2016 10:53

OK. I didn't read the bit about re-arranging the accountant.

Actually, I'm not sure you are that flakey.

You arranged to meet up.

She turned it into a lunch, with brother and daughter.

You decided you didn't fancy lunch.

I think you should have decided you didn't want lunch earlier, and told her so earlier.

But it's a bit casual on both sides.

It sounds as though your friend is miffed because she feels - rightly or wrongly - that she was bounced into having lunch, possibly when she didn't want that - by you, and then you cancelled.

Bit flakey on both sides, perhaps?

Definitely phone her and clear it up.

Do you have a reputation for doing this sort of thing? If you're usually quite reliable, people will tend to accept their role in something like this. If you have form for turning up late/changing plans/cancelling at last minute it is more likely that people will get very pissed off over quite trivial things (because it will be a 'last straw' sort of situation).

Ireallydontseewhy · 02/04/2016 11:03

Just have to add that texts do still occasionally go astray, or take two days to arrive, or go unnoticed if someone switches on their phone to a string of new texts! Occasional i agree, but real. So you can never assume that someone is deliberately not replying - although often that may be the case! Just one more thing to add to the complexity of our new nonphoning culture.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 02/04/2016 11:14

There definitely seems more to this.
You sound really defensive.
If the pub is 'literally 5 mins away' what on earth stopped you from popping down there at any point?

incywincybitofa · 02/04/2016 11:16

You asked AIBU- so you must have an element of doubt as to whether you or your friend are being reasonable.
People have suggested you ABU you start calling them names.

VioletTea · 02/04/2016 11:16

It may be 2016 but actually texts do still get lost in transit.

GabiSolis · 02/04/2016 11:16

Texts do get lost or delayed sometimes but if she's posting on Facebook she at least has access to her phone.

OP, it sounds to me like your friend is making a point. She may have rearranged plans to see you and it does seems that you initially agreed to lunch. If you have a history of being a bit flaky then your 'can't afford it' explanation may not be believed (especially as you did at first agree).

I don't agree with the people saying you 'can't do drinks' with a child, because you of course can, but it does depend on the venue.

I would apologise for messing her about and say you hope to see her soon and let her come to you after that.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2016 11:18

It depends on what type of pub it is and how old her DD is, as well.

Could she have thought that you could have chatted whilst her DD was busy with her lunch? Or was her DD off school and she thought she'd turn it into a treat for her, as well as it being nice to have a catch up?

Is the pub expensive, there's usually something for under a tenner?

ScarletForYa · 02/04/2016 11:18

Drinks are more expensive than lunch! Anyway how can you think it's suddenly ok to change from lunch to drinks when there's a child in the mix?

That is flaky OP.

HappinessLivesHere · 02/04/2016 11:19

If I was your friend I'd assume you were wanting me to offer to pay. I don't understand why agree to go then hours later decide you don't have enough money. If you were my friend and had initially said you couldn't have afforded it I'd have offered to pay but if just to chop and change your mind is head doing!

Scarydinosaurs · 02/04/2016 11:22

The reason she didn't text you is because by saying you didn't have enough money for lunch it made the plan awkward. You should have just gone along and had drinks whilst they ate- and then eaten later. You were in the wrong for agreeing to a plan and then changing your mind.

BYOSnowman · 02/04/2016 11:27

I always thought the etiquette was that you call if you want to change plans on the day. That way it is a discussion and not just op saying 'this is what is happening' and then friend either agreeing or entering discussion over text

I hate speaking to people on the phone but to me this is not a text message scenario!

thecatfromjapan · 02/04/2016 11:29

On the other hand, I'd be a little miffed - not cross just a little miffed - if my suggestion to meet up was bumped into lunch with a brother. However, I would have asked myself at the time whether I was miffed enough to say/do anything about that and, if not, held to the plan of meeting up.

It's a small thing, really. It'll blow over, OP.

eddielizzard · 02/04/2016 11:33

why didn't you pop over? you could still have a drink while they ate, or just bought a packet of chips.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/04/2016 11:43

How many times before have you changed your plans.

I have an ex friend who cancelled on me twice. Once when I had already set off and once when I was actually sat at a table. Same lame excuse. Third time she rang and suggested to go out I said I was busy and we would have to arrange another time. Couldn't really be bothered to rearrange my time again so I could fit in a no show friend.

Are you that person. People when you make plans also have to arrange their lives. Think it is very egotistical to think that you are the only person who has had to re areange stuff.

GeorgeTheThird · 02/04/2016 11:53

A pub lunch doesn't cost very much, I'm sure you could have paid, you just didn't want to -I expect she thought you were being flaky. And after you've eaten, you often don't want to sit around for drinks, you're done. So YABU

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/04/2016 11:57

I would have felt obliged to offer you lunch if you had cried off at the last minute with no cash... and I probably wouldn't be able to afford that, so I wouldn't have text you back.

OliviaStabler · 02/04/2016 12:09

OP said in a later statement I did not suggest or agree to lunch

So OP why did you say in your opening explanation "On Monday I called my friend, let's call her Sarah, and suggested meeting on Tuesday. She agreed and all was good."

Can't imagine anyone who would not assume this meant you were meeting for lunch on Tuesday.

SylviaWrath · 02/04/2016 12:29

So, scoop. Am I not allowed to change my mind?

Course you can. And so can your friend. Maybe they didn't stay there for drinks after lunch, so there was nothing to invite you to?

Only1scoop · 02/04/2016 12:38

It's all a trifle confusing isn't it?

But then I'm apparently a 'TWAT'

Can't think why your friend may have fallen off the radar....

Such a mystery....

Greyponcho · 02/04/2016 12:43

Perhaps the friend had better things to be doing than to be sat pissing the afternoon away in a pub with a little one in tow...
Or was maybe a bit that you had money for drinks but not for food?

MiffleTheIntrovert · 02/04/2016 13:03

Yarburgh.

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