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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother sends my PIL (I'm NC) Xmas cards.

55 replies

elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:22

And I'm uncomfortable with this.

Background: I've been NC with my PIL for about 18 months now, following on from over a decade of emotional abuse and bullying.

Examples include (but for brevity I won't write the essay) refusing to accept my name, which was not changed at the point of marriage; writing birthday cheques to the incorrect name, writing birthday cheques in my husband's name as 'it's all to confusing', telling me that it happened automatically and I cannot refuse it.

At my wedding reception I was ordered to drink 'a more ladylike drink out of a more ladylike glass'. I carried on with the real ale... FIL absolutely dressed me down later on in the reception. He denies this and has called me a liar. The altercation was witnessed by other guests, but even 10 years later FIL is still trying to gaslight DH that his version of events is true. In his head I screamed at him and he only gave as good as he got. In reality I turned and walked away without a word and without glassing him, as one of the witnesses thought I should have...

After having DDs I was told to have my long hair cut short. Not asked if I was going to - but told. I still have hair the length I like it.

On a 'family holiday' that I told DH to get me out of, but he lives in FOG I was made to take my night-owl child to bed at 7pm... while all the adults stayed up I had to stay in a small room, keeping said child (sleep time 10pm ish) quiet as we'd had to give up the living room in our cottage to a nephew (so that FIL could have a sulk-room). Yes DH could have taken his share of the nights, but I would not have wanted to stay without him.

Tonight I am chatting to DM, and explaining why I think she should cool her relationship/ friendship with my sister's PIL. My sister is low contact with her PIL who are making heavy weather of the difference between their adoptive grandchildren and their 'new' natural grandchildren. I think it undermines DS's position, and that the PIL will be able to feel vindicated by my parent's contact with them; that it is my sister that is wrong and my parents demonstrate that.

Then DM tells me that she sends Xmas cards to MY PIL...

AIBU to feel that DM is giving my PIL that ability to feel that they have her support - against my position? Or an AIBU to feel that way? I've told DM that I will put this to the MN jury.

DM wants to point out that she would never tell me who I can be friends with, or who I can send Xmas cards to.

I would like to point out that I believe that if my DM ever met PIL then she would wipe the floor with FIL. DH and I secretly grin about how fierce she would be.

OP posts:
Chocolatteaddict1 · 01/04/2016 21:26

Shock what is she playing at? I'd see that as a massive betrayal. I don't actually think she would wipe the floor with them. Why on earth should they get a Xmas card off her when you are NC because of their twattery.

Is your Dh NC as well ?

Chocolatteaddict1 · 01/04/2016 21:26

I wouldn't ever discuss your PIL with her again

Chocolatteaddict1 · 01/04/2016 21:27

I bet your FIL smirks every year when he recieved it

Kidnapped · 01/04/2016 21:30

She's never met them?

But sends a card?

In one way, it is of no real importance. But why is it important to her to send a card to people that she has never met?

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:31

DH is low contact, and he takes the DDs to see them. If they ever come home repeating negative comments about me (or any of their misogynistic twaddle about what girls should do or be) then DH has agreed to NC for the DDs. He looks quite pained about it all. He's slowly realising just how the low level abuse from his childhood added up.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 01/04/2016 21:32

What's your relationship with your own dm like? Does she often undermine you like this?

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:33

Kidnapped ... she has met them several times during our relationship - at parties we held, at parties my parents held, probably once or twice a year over a decade.

OP posts:
annandale · 01/04/2016 21:34

I don't get this, I think it's not your concern. Leave her to it. The only problem would be if the PILs somehow use their link with your mother to put pressure on you to get in touch. But who your mother is in touch with is entirely up to her.

stayathomegardener · 01/04/2016 21:34

Hello mother of Elfycat.
YRBU divisive and unsupportive, if you were my Mum I wouldn't stop you but I would feel betrayed.

Kidnapped · 01/04/2016 21:35

Oh, okay.

"I would like to point out that I believe that if my DM ever met PIL then she would wipe the floor with FIL. DH and I secretly grin about how fierce she would be".

Was confused by the above.

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:35

Halfdonga she's never undermined me. It's why I sat there gobsmacked. DM is honestly a lovely woman and my sisters and I had the envy of many a friend over the years for our parents.

OP posts:
Bulletpr00f · 01/04/2016 21:36

Was your DM not at your wedding?

nocabbageinmyeye · 01/04/2016 21:36

I'm no contact with my pil and this would annoy me too, if they met I would never expect my parents to be anything other than polite as its not in them to be rude but there is a difference between being polite and going out of your way to wish them well in a Christmas card, you are right, elfycatsmammy you are wrong, save your stamp money Wink

Undercooked · 01/04/2016 21:38

I would take that to mean your mother does not think your PiL's behaved that badly towards you.

To be honest from your list I'm not sure that anything is so bad as to go NC and put your husband in such a hard painting BUT I appreciate that lots of the subtleties are lost in text and here is probably a lot you have not said.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/04/2016 21:38

It's up to your mum who she is in contact with.

Kidnapped · 01/04/2016 21:39

If she's always done it, then it's fine for her to carry on.

If she stops now, PILs will see it as you stirring the pot. And will therefore be further evidence of your conniving nature. Grin

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:40

Kidnapped My mother is quite cross with PIL over their behaviour to me. I use 'quite cross' in the British understatement way. I guess I should have said 'If she meets with them again now'

She is a compulsive Xmas card sender though. It might be too ingrained a habit to stop now. I don't send cards so this might not be something I understand... Grin

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/04/2016 21:41

Eh? So she doesn't actually like them herself anyway? So why is she sending them cards. That's a bit odd.

WonderingAspie · 01/04/2016 21:42

YANBU. There is no reason at all for her to send a card to your PIL who have been awful to you. To me it is like betraying you and letting them know that she doesn't disagree with them. She should have your back as they have been awful. I recognise some of the situations, have you posted about them before?

Kidnapped · 01/04/2016 21:45

So long as she does the "best wishes from Barbara at Christmas" thing rather than "Hi PILs, you'll never guess what elfycat has been doing this year? Only started brewing her own ale, smoking cigars and dogging. What a disappointment she has turned out to be" thing.

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:45

WonderingAspie Yes I have written about them before. Before the NC and after.

Undercooked It was a summary. How to describe 15 years of contact with people who want you to fit into their world-view (narrow, with dashings of bigotry of all kinds sprinkled over everything)...?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 01/04/2016 21:48

Hmm...I don't know. My DM sends Christmas cards to everyone she's ever met. Including a man she once sat next to on a plane. So I wouldn't see it as a massive betrayal.

I think it's becuase your DM is so lovely that she sends the card. It's just a card, not afternoon tea. I guess it all comes down to how important you consider Christmas cards.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/04/2016 21:48

your PILs were bossy.

And now you are telling your mum who she can and cannot send an Xmas card to.

I'm sensing a theme here... Hmm

Slowtrain2dawn · 01/04/2016 21:50

I won't try to explain my family and friends but some are nc with some/ some aren't. Some are FB friends and some send Xmas cards to people/ others don't. It is extremely confusing....all the non toxic people have decided that everyone has to make their own decisions for their own reasons. We don't take sides because that plays into the hands of toxic family members. Let it go. Your mum loves you, sending a card to the PIL doesn't change that. Maybe she just doesn't want to escalate things.

Original poster
elfycat · 01/04/2016 21:51

My PIL were not 'bossy' Sinister

I am bossy, I recognise bossy. They are NOT bossy.

OP posts: