My mother sends my PIL (I'm NC) Xmas cards.

[elfycat]

And I'm uncomfortable with this.

Background: I've been NC with my PIL for about 18 months now, following on from over a decade of emotional abuse and bullying.

Examples include (but for brevity I won't write the essay) refusing to accept my name, which was not changed at the point of marriage; writing birthday cheques to the incorrect name, writing birthday cheques in my husband's name as 'it's all to confusing', telling me that it happened automatically and I cannot refuse it.

At my wedding reception I was ordered to drink 'a more ladylike drink out of a more ladylike glass'. I carried on with the real ale... FIL absolutely dressed me down later on in the reception. He denies this and has called me a liar. The altercation was witnessed by other guests, but even 10 years later FIL is still trying to gaslight DH that his version of events is true. In his head I screamed at him and he only gave as good as he got. In reality I turned and walked away without a word and without glassing him, as one of the witnesses thought I should have...

After having DDs I was told to have my long hair cut short. Not asked if I was going to - but told. I still have hair the length I like it.

On a 'family holiday' that I told DH to get me out of, but he lives in FOG I was made to take my night-owl child to bed at 7pm... while all the adults stayed up I had to stay in a small room, keeping said child (sleep time 10pm ish) quiet as we'd had to give up the living room in our cottage to a nephew (so that FIL could have a sulk-room). Yes DH could have taken his share of the nights, but I would not have wanted to stay without him.

Tonight I am chatting to DM, and explaining why I think she should cool her relationship/ friendship with my sister's PIL. My sister is low contact with her PIL who are making heavy weather of the difference between their adoptive grandchildren and their 'new' natural grandchildren. I think it undermines DS's position, and that the PIL will be able to feel vindicated by my parent's contact with them; that it is my sister that is wrong and my parents demonstrate that.

Then DM tells me that she sends Xmas cards to MY PIL...

AIBU to feel that DM is giving my PIL that ability to feel that they have her support - against my position? Or an AIBU to feel that way? I've told DM that I will put this to the MN jury.

DM wants to point out that she would never tell me who I can be friends with, or who I can send Xmas cards to.

I would like to point out that I believe that if my DM ever met PIL then she would wipe the floor with FIL. DH and I secretly grin about how fierce she would be.

ever so keen on

My mum is a card sender and sends one to my low-contact PILs every year. In every other way she is very supportive of me and my husband and doesn't even really like PILs but it's like she can't help herself. I think she feels it would be the height of rudeness to suddenly stop sending a card, and that it would create a confrontation. I guess she thinks it's actually less hassle to just keep sending the cards and avoid the huge drama that PILs would LOVE if she didn't send them a card.

I just let it go. It's not the end of the world.

You can choose your friends, but not your relations.

Never will understand this. I don't have contact with several of mine, because they are deeply unpleasant people. Why would I want them in my life, or my children's lives? I don't give a monkeys if we share genes. Life is too short to accept nastiness on an ongoing basis simply because you get told families mean no choices. No, they don't. You can always choose. And if someone is an arse, then I don't want them around. Relative or not.

Having said that, OP: your FIL sounds deeply unpleasant and I think it's a sensible thing, removing him from your life. But having done that, I can't see it matters whether he smirks or not when getting a card from your Mum. Why care what he thinks? He's not part of your life now. He can think whatever he wants to, as long as you know the reality, which is that your mum loves you and thinks his behaviour was very wrong. He can stew in his own mistaken, misguided juice, no?

It's none of your business who your DM sends Christmas cards too.

Her relationship with DS PILS is certainly absolutely none of your business.

I'm afraid I'm with manhattan, much does not feel right here. I wonder perhaps if your mother is not too judgemental of your PILS fall out with you because she also finds you difficult? I have to say that you really do come across as difficult.

That's not to say PILS aren't difficult too, but from the point of view of outsiders it's often easier to see it's a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other and two difficult people not getting along.

Sure she met him at your wedding???