to be so very jealous of my neighbours

[abbyfandabby]

Ok not jealous.. their a lovely family. But so envious!! We became friendly when I had DD7 and she had her DS the same month, we went to the same NCT group etc. 20 months later we then went on to have our second babies around the same time too. She has been a great friend to know, without her I don't think I would have breastfeed my DC for as long as I did. Things changed when it was time for our eldest children to start school, I always presumed they would go to the village school together but they announced they were going to home educate their children. I was supervised and (selfishly) a bit disappointed for myself and DD as had been looking forward to sharing another experience with them. But I was happy and supportive for her, she used to be a teacher and her husband still is and I knew they'd be wonderful homeschoolers. However a few years on and I just feel sad and envious. She and her DC have made heaps of new friends whereas I haven't really clicked with any of the school mums. She has gone on to have two more DC (twins), I would have loved have more DC but DH & I decided we would stick to two as made more sense financially. I'm working in a part time job I hate and she is having the time of her life, she mentioned she had a blog recently and so of course I couldn't resist a snoop and when I saw all the wonderful photos of their adventures and all the fantastic things they do, booming social life etc I felt devastated. I doth have the time to take my children on all the amazing experiences hers are having as school and homework and jobs take over our lives!! Then I feel like a crappy jealous friend when of course I an happy for her. I just feel I've made the wrong choices in life by worrying what people think and doing the done thing and sticking to the road well trodden. My DC seem happy (ish) enough at school but they are already under so much pressure and life just seems such a drag and plodding along compared to my neighbours. They are talking about renting their house and going travelling around the world in a year or so. They live frugally and don't have nice cars or foreign holidays like we do but I can't help thinking I don't care about that stuff and they've got their priorities right! I know this probably makes me come across like a bitter moo but I promise I'm not really (maybe only a little)

Well I'm a teacher and I can't think of anything more difficult than h.e. I would struggle to teach all subjects to a gcse level plus lack of specialist science equipment etc would be a worry. I don't think I would have the stamina to stick to what we needed to do rather than what i wanted to do! I remember the torture of my lovely dad trying to teach me to drive so I imagine it would be a bit like that!

I however would consider it if my child had sen.

We do have n.t. membership though!

Comparison is the thief of joy." Roosevelt.

Well I'm a teacher and I can't think of anything more difficult than h.e. I would struggle to teach all subjects to a gcse level plus lack of specialist science equipment etc would be a worry. I don't think I would have the stamina to stick to what we needed to do rather than what i wanted to do! I remember the torture of my lovely dad trying to teach me to drive so I imagine it would be a bit like that!

I however would consider it if my child had sen.

With respect, that's typical educator thinking. Home education isn't supposed to be state school at home. There's no curriculum, exams can be taken if and when desired (if at all), tutors can be used and many home ed groups have access to science labs etc.

Whenever I see someone who looks to have an enviable life, I ask myself what idea I can nick ,

What I never do is try to rip it apart to make myself feel better.

That's for the mean of spirit and those who will never make any self improvements.

OP you sound a bit stuck. Like you want to make some changes but aren't sure where to begin.

What are the really central things you admire about your neighbour's life? Can you import those things ( perhaps in an entirely different way)?

I don't understand home schooling, in so much as surely your children can then only be educated to the parents level?

That's only if you mistakenly think that learning has more to do with the teacher than the individual involved. Whether people learn something is to do with a mix of factors associated with the individual; and whilst I will concede that learning is much harder with a crap teacher, that is only in the circumstance that you cannot change teacher. With home education there is no such restriction as the parent does not have to teach, merely facilitate. As an adult, I continue to learn things either through my own research, or by finding 'teachers' whether they be peers, online courses such as MOOCs or paid-for tutors. The same is true for children.

Anecdotally, my eldest surpassed my knowledge of history when she was 5yo. I knew she knew a lot about history from our conversations, but when she was learning about a topic I wrongly thought I knew (the Tudors) and she started the conversation "so tell me about the Battle of Bosworth" cue blank stares from me "Come on Mummy, you know! Richard the third..." more staring "Umm, I know about Henry VIII" She then taught me more than I learned at school on the topic!

Argumentatively, I could say I don't understand people who choose school-education for their children, when they feel they have come out the other end themselves without learning what they feel they need and can explain to others?
[Clearly I am being purposely argumentative now. As much as I'm a HE advocate, I don't think HE is for everyone, parent or child. If you don't want to HE, don't. Not all schools are bad - I got a good education from one.]

There's absolutely nothing to stop you doing the things you have mentioned (watching the stars, observing lifecycles) with your DC. They are, in my opinion, the lovely and fairly easy bits of parenting that happen on lovely summer evenings, on the weekend etc. You don't need to home educate to do that.

Your envy about her social circle is a different thing. She may well be a very sociable person, who people are drawn to initially, but who manages to nurture those relationships. That doesn't make her a better person than you, but if you want some of that, then maybe you need to think about widening your own social circle beyond work and the school gates, whether that does or doesn't include your DC.

As others have said, envying her is taking something away from your own life and your memories that you are making of your DC's childhoods. You need to move past it and learn to appreciate and enjoy what you and your own family have. In years to come, you may well look back at their lifestyle and really not see any attraction to it at all.

Have a friend who homeschooled big family. All getting on wonderfully. Some at university. But my dd who is friendly with her dds says she feels so sorry for them when she thinks of all the fun she's had at school and all the friendships. Looking back on school now l bet we all remember the people and the stories not what we learnt. So homeschool has lots of disadvantages as well.

She may feel sorry for them, but how is that a disadvantage of home ed? I'm pretty sure that the home ed kids may feel sorry for the schooled kids as well.

Thanks for such an honest post. Jealousy is a hard one and I think it's really tricky to get over and move on from.

I wonder if you hating your job is a big part of it? It's hard to see the positives of working outside of the home if you hate it, but if you liked your job you might well enjoy the time away from the kids, maybe have lovely work colleagues etc. I find a job I hate the worst thing for affecting my whole outlook.

I wonder whether chatting to your NDN and asking for her ideas of family things to do at the weekend. Maybe they know of good places to go or have some info on other things your family might be interested in doing (where they got their frogspawn, info on home science experiments, building a go kart, who knows?!). Why not ask to share the best bits of her HE to give you ideas for family time at the weekend. As you say, she's a good friend, I'm sure she'd be delighted to give you some ideas.

We go to NT or EH places, they usually have kids specific activity sheets or special activity days. I'm going to get DD a science magazine subscription as it has loads of great experiments in it to do at home (she loves that sort of thing). DH downloaded a space app on his iPad and we spent a night looking at the stars and spotted the space station going over. We don't do it all the time, but with a bit of planning (or a NDN who's done the hard work for you!!!), you could give it a whirl.

I am unsure why it's ok for Home Ed dc not to aspire to take exams and get qualifications as stated by someone further up. How on earth will they support themselves as adults with no qualifications?

I know one family who home ed and honestly, I don't see any evidence of education at all. Yes they have lots of trips and travelling about the UK but the dc concerned pretty much seem to do nothing except go to cafes or to the park. At the age of 12.

I have also seen a person posting about home ed who says their dc at the age of 10 cannot read but it's fine because they will learn if they want to. And that makes me want to scream.

I do think home ed relies on the child wanting to learn. I do think it relies on the parent being motivated enough to do a really good mix of instigating interest in learning (through whatever means) and using outside facilities such as the home ed groups someone else mentioned.

I don't mean to derail as I know this is more about the op's feelings rather than home ed but I don't think that home ed is that easy and certainly needs a huge amount of motivation from both the parents and the dc to not slip into a routine of just watching tv or reading a book rather than getting out, learning and actually seeking things of interest.

Whenever I see someone who looks to have an enviable life, I ask myself what idea I can nick grin,

I agree with this. If I feel envy for something, I listen to my feelings because it usually indicates something I would like to have or experience etc so it is a good indication of what I would like to try/aspire to/add to my life.

Couldn't imagine envying home schooling but OP maybe you could dig down into what you envy about your friend and then prioritise changing that in your own life.

And don't believe everything you read on blogs- even if true. I kept on online diary for years - since my oldest was born. Just for myself and maybe the kids eventually. I was rereading it recently and it was great - funny, reminding me of lovely events, funny things they said etc but the thing is I lived it and I could tell that the impression it was giving was not the whole story. My dd1s first football practice was very funny - and it was - but at the end of it we both looked at each other and said "we have a problem here" and we did. My description of a first day of school was lovely and accurate. right down to the fact that dh and I had a fight the night before. But I remember just how awful that fight was and how angry I was while watching her go into school and how angry he was with me too. Once you write something down you give it a gloss that nearly always makes it better than the reality.

I do have some sympathy for you, OP. Modern life has a terrible tendency to reduce agency: every member of a family out at work or school, living out their days in an institution, according to someone else's direction, values and agenda. And leaving very little time for a creative home or family life, let alone personal interests and hobbies.

I couldn't home educate. Not because as a teacher I have some rigid formal view of education but I just Don't think its healthy for either child or parent. I can understand if it's for a transitional period.... eg between school places but that's it (I realise this is my opinion and people are free to do as they chose. I would make sure home edders are more thoroughly checked too.
For every really on the ball HE families there are lots that aren't....
I second the nt card and holidays that are educational etc. Don'y worry you will get there :)

I do believe that understanding the benefits and limitations of institutional life is a crucial learning experience in the modern world and that school serves that purpose.

Where you need to be careful is in ensuring that your family life isn't also entirely institutionalized.

At the end of the day, i think there is a lot to be said for 'normal'.Sounds like your children are / will be going to a good school - even if it has some faults - like all schools do.

Children get more than just the subject matter from schools. The life skills such as independence (including from parents) are important.

Not sure if 'mum friends' is such a universal thing - I would just drop the children off, smile, nod and then get on with your day.

Not quite the same thing, but recent studies have shown that adults who watched no television as children can struggle to fit in in the workplace as they don't have the cultural references of their workmates from decades before.

Normal all the way is the rule in our house - warts and all. You can't sugar coat everything in life.

Really interesting post op . Will come back later

There are two things you can do. 1 - join the PTA. If it doesn't appeal, do it anyway. Best way to meet mum-friends, trust me. 2 - get a job you like. Write your cv up, look every day, apply for everything you like the look of. Two simple things that could change you outlook on life after reading your post. Your feelings are normal, but from your post there are things getting you down that you can change, work on that. :) (good tip about frogspawn btw coffeeisnectar - I will check out my local freecycle, thanks)

Jealousy doesn't have to be a shameful thing to be suppressed. It's an indicator of what might make you happy too, so embrace it! It sounds like it's the quaint lifestyle that makes you feel like you're missing out. So....swap your foreign holidays for adventure holidays in the uk. Spend weekends doing something new and exciting. Try a few changes in your life, then reassess where your envy lies then. xx

Op you can make your life more family orientated and have adventures with them without HE.

Why don't you rent a camper van and travel through Europe for your next holiday or make pit stops in new cities. Make a list of 20 new things you want to do this year including new places you want to vist. Join the national trust and do the checklist of 50 things to do before you're 11 and a half. The properties put on days with activities to tick off the boxes and there's even star gazing nights.

I used to envy someone their life until I got to know them and realised that they weren't having a better time then me. Their kids weren't happier then mine but their gloss on social media was and made me want her life. So I nicked a few ideas, thought of my own and started having more adventures with my dc. I don't even think about her anymore.

As for homework, how much time is it taking? Mine spend a night in the week practising spellings and tables and I try to incorporate their topics into what we do. So when they were doing Romans we visited a Roman villa (nt) and an Italian grotto garden that had a temple of apollo. It also had a flora and something to do with Jupiter. Life is what you make it, homework doesn't always have to be boring.

So she is home educating a 7 year old, a 5 year old, while at the same time trying to look after 2 pre-schoolers? Unless the twins are not mobile yet or are incredibly well behaved, a lot of her time and attention will be focused on them, not the older 2.

It is also my experience that people with very fulfilled lives don't feel the need for the creative outlet of a blog. She's probably looking at you, with your job and life away from dcs, nice holidays and cars and stuff, and feeling pangs of jealousy.

Two things:

• people are never as happy as the face they present to the world. Don't be fooled.
• being jealous of others is a total waste of life.

mishaps that's not true.

I know lots of people who are happy. Why wouldn't they be?

I am certainly one if them.

There's another point to this - while she might well have met new friends who also home ed, it's unlikely they have meet ups daily. There will be many, many days from the time her DH walks out of the house for work until he comes home where she won't speak to another adult.

She can't take the younger DCs to toddler groups and socialise them with children their own age, because she won't be able to take the older ones, if her eldest child is 7, the chances are her 'mum friends' have similar aged DCs and most won't have a younger siblings the same age as her younger 2.

You won't see the days when it doesn't go well, when the DCs are just winding each other up and it's pissing it down. When one of the 4 is ill and she's not got the time to give them attention as well as the others. She's presenting the positives to the world - but there will be negatives too.

And there's a world of difference between saying you could do without a foreign holiday and reliable car, and it not being an option because you can't have them.

There's a huge difference between wishing you could have more time with your DCs, and never getting any time away from them.

Changing your job seems a priority for you, if you can. And could you and your dh take an evening to plan out from now til the end of summer? I plan out as much as I can and the DC come up with ideas too, some outlandish and some easily achieved. Weekends are not for cleaning endlessly. ( well that's my view:)

I agree to ask her for ideas and if you live next door, do your DC still play with hers? Do they have an in depth knowledge of CBeebies?:) I can't think of anything worse than HE and having to make plans all the time for education of 4 DC at different levels whilst living frugally.

Envy is quite destructive, and will steal your time and thinking. Use the envy in a positive way to make change - nicer job, family days out, create a kids veg garden, and we also lay on the trampoline looking at stars:) then we have hot chocolate which the DC moan about as its too chocolately- I bet that wouldn't make a perfect life blog:)

On reading, my DC also picked it up by me doing lots of reading with them. But school has enhanced their thinking and they have different experiences of teaching and teaching ideas.