to be so very jealous of my neighbours

[abbyfandabby]

Ok not jealous.. their a lovely family. But so envious!! We became friendly when I had DD7 and she had her DS the same month, we went to the same NCT group etc. 20 months later we then went on to have our second babies around the same time too. She has been a great friend to know, without her I don't think I would have breastfeed my DC for as long as I did. Things changed when it was time for our eldest children to start school, I always presumed they would go to the village school together but they announced they were going to home educate their children. I was supervised and (selfishly) a bit disappointed for myself and DD as had been looking forward to sharing another experience with them. But I was happy and supportive for her, she used to be a teacher and her husband still is and I knew they'd be wonderful homeschoolers. However a few years on and I just feel sad and envious. She and her DC have made heaps of new friends whereas I haven't really clicked with any of the school mums. She has gone on to have two more DC (twins), I would have loved have more DC but DH & I decided we would stick to two as made more sense financially. I'm working in a part time job I hate and she is having the time of her life, she mentioned she had a blog recently and so of course I couldn't resist a snoop and when I saw all the wonderful photos of their adventures and all the fantastic things they do, booming social life etc I felt devastated. I doth have the time to take my children on all the amazing experiences hers are having as school and homework and jobs take over our lives!! Then I feel like a crappy jealous friend when of course I an happy for her. I just feel I've made the wrong choices in life by worrying what people think and doing the done thing and sticking to the road well trodden. My DC seem happy (ish) enough at school but they are already under so much pressure and life just seems such a drag and plodding along compared to my neighbours. They are talking about renting their house and going travelling around the world in a year or so. They live frugally and don't have nice cars or foreign holidays like we do but I can't help thinking I don't care about that stuff and they've got their priorities right! I know this probably makes me come across like a bitter moo but I promise I'm not really (maybe only a little)

I know many teachers teach all sorts of subjects but this is one srea I am definitely not sure in HE. How kids will be taught all those different subjects by oarents.
Perhaps 2 parents who are teachers can complement each other?

I think in her dh's professional lifs some of hus colleagues would be jelaius but others are going to criticise him for doing it.

Anyway homeschooling 4 kids would kill me!

Look at what is concerning you about your life and think about what changes can be made. We recently withdrew our 5 year old from school as we felt her spark was getting squished, and we couldn't be happier. It works for us because DH only works out of the house 2 days a week and the rest he runs his own business so chooses his hours. So I can still work 3 mornings week for the charity I'm a part of knowing that the kids are with dad. I feel very lucky to get to do both, and it is absolutely the right thing for the family. We are busy, out and about a lot, and they are hardly closeted away from the outside world, whatever misinformation you may receive on this thread.

Personally i dont think it is jealousy but saddness you have lost a bit of the friendship which is a shame try and move on I know it isnt easy when you have not really gelled with the school mums but try even chatting to them find out about them. Stop reading the blog hey are a snapshot often a bit cheesey make your own family "adventures"

Surely home educating isn't fun stuff all the time anyway? Presumably you have to meet certain standards and guide your DCs towards being able to read, write and be numerate so they can pass GCSEs/A Levels and enter university if they want to?

So maths, English, science etc. I suppose you can learn some of it from days out to libraries, parks, museums etc, but there will have to be formal lessons and written work too?

Depends how you approach it. Equally, her kids sound primary age, there isn't much need for it that young.

There was some research once. Home educated children were actually shown have better academic grades.

The HE families I know are doing what suits their children best. Mainstream was failing them in one way or another.

You have to live closer than next door to really know what happens in a family.

I was talking to her about how my children had/were struggling with phobics and she just breezily replied she wouldn't know much about it her children rarely have their heads out of books and had picked up reading 'by osmosis'

Really? She must have been a terrible teacher then. What did she teach?

I definitely wouldn't envy homeschooling four kids, sounds like a nightmare! But each to their own . Tell you what though, if you feel your own kids are missing out on outdoor adventures have you looked into local beavers/rainbows/woodcraft folk groups? A great way to make friends with other people outside school and you could even get involved in running the group if you had time Just a thought.

There's a line in the film The Silence of the Lambs that goes something like:
"What do we covet most? The things we want, can't have and see every day."
(Not for a moment suggesting you're a psychotic skinner of young girls obviously!)

So I'd say you're putting negative energy into feeling envious of someone quite similar to yourself who is outwardly living a better life. Try putting that energy into making your own family life more satisfying - weekend outings, joint hobbies, sports, whatever takes your fancy. Your children will probably just appreciate the family time. And avoid Facebook or blogs...

Personally I think home educating is not ideal for the parents or the children. Too much like hothousing and I've read and identified with some very sad MN threads about parent-teachers not coping with alternation of roles (in my case it's music tuition I have to rein myself back on). I firmly believe Mums should be Mums and leave the rigours of educating to others who are monitored/get paid to do it and can also switch off! Plus you are not only a mother. Once your kids start to be independent you need your own identity which comes from having an outside career and personal interests.

There is jealousy where you want to drag the other person down and there is jealousy where you see what you would like for yourself know what to aim for. Only the first type of jealousy is bad.

Now you know what you would like, think about it seriously, if you are in a position to home educate, really want to and how you would go about it if that is the case. If you don't feel up to home education, what other improvements could you make to your life?

There was research that suggested that leave kids to want to read, which normally happens at around 7, and they can more or else learn by themselves in a very short period of time. Reading isn't rocket science, read to them and with them regularly and they will get it, on the whole.

Your neighbour's blog sounds like those Christmas Round Robins everybody hates - my life is so wonderful, my OH is fantastic, my 7 year old has just passed grade 8 piano with distinction and my 4 year old is reading Winnie The Pooh in Latin.
Who ever gets one that says anything is rubbish, or even just boring?

Don't read it.

Co centrate on thinking about how you would like your life to be.

You say a few things about yourself in your op, the one that sticks out to me is the fact you hate your part time job.

So change what you do, get a job that you do like.

Jobs and homework get in the way

What do you do at the weekends? What hobbies do you have? What activities do you do as a solo or as a family?

I have to say with DS aged 7 also, I do not put much store by homework. There will be plenty in years to come. We are very lucky in that his school sets very little but I really don't push it. Maybe ease up on that and just let your DD read for pleasure?

I would HATE to home school, hate it, although I love the idea of it, the practicality would be a nightmare. As many others have said, what you see on the blog is not real life. There will be the usual hassles that everyone has with children but with no break at all.

Make your weekends more fun and don't feel your kids have to be doing homework all the time and relax :)

I knew a family like that. Four beautiful clever children, exquisitel quirky cottage in the woods, life seemed to be a one big round of picnics and fun. I wasn't envious as such but had to put down a lot of little pangs when I went round there. I eventually discovered they were deeply unhappy as a couple and there was a split up followed by a very acrimonious divorce. You can't judge the entirety of family life on the basis of what you see over the garden hedge.

There was research that suggested that leave kids to want to read, which normally happens at around 7, and they can more or else learn by themselves in a very short period of time. Reading isn't rocket science, read to them and with them regularly and they will get it, on the whole.

Ditto walking, talking, potty training..........

Exactly.

I once told a counsellor I was seeing about a huge workplace crush I had had on my female mentor - she was about 11 years older than me, in a position of seniority and I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. I even began to 'model' myself on her just a little (I know, I know...!).

My counsellor's response was often that we feel strongly about someone when we want some of what they have (or we perceive that they have) for ourselves. Looking back more objectively, I now see my mentor as quite an ordinary woman, with the usual blindspots and prejudices, pretty much the same as everyone else. But back then, to me, she seemed to have a kind of 'glow', almost a halo effect and I literally could not see past it...

So, thinking about your neighbour, try to see her as just an ordinary woman - but also why not pick an element of what she does and begin to bring that into your own life?

Maybe they have all these "wonderful adventures" because they cant afford foreign holidays like you. Maybe they are jealous of your holidays?

Comparing yourself to others just drains your mental health if you ask me. Focus on what you DO have

OP, my DS goes to school but we have these kind of outdoor adventures but a shoddy social life.

we are broke so we have to rely on everything cheap and free

www.amazon.co.uk/RSPB-Outdoor-Activities-Have-Rspb/dp/1409348199 this book is fab for outdoor creative things to do. I really recommend it. You and your DC could tick off the activities as you do them and maybe take a picture or two and start a photo album together.

Poor OP. It is galling when we see a "wonderful life" shoved in our face. It's bad enough when you have a friend like this living 50 miles away, but for that person to live next door...

It's no good people saying don't feel jealous - how can you help it? Fwiw I think your blog, OP, would be better than hers. Very funny about the frogspawn and lying on the trampoline looking at the stars. Fancy taking the rubbish out and having to stomach a magical group star watch!

Home Ed must be lovely in May... but February? And if I said, "Today, dd, we're going to do Fun Experiments!" I'd turn round and dd would have disappeared. Meanwhile I'd be trying to drag ds out of bed in order to do Fun Family Activities.

I am sorry i have not the full thread but I wanted to thank you for such an honest and heartfelt thread.

I think you are a fabulous mum and you and your DC will be great.

Much as it may piss off MN, your neighbour might actually be happy with her life. That's good.

if you aren't happy with yours, change something. Child rearing is hard work and quite often has dull bits. She's just not talking about the dull bits, because who is interested?

if you would like to swap things for the nice cars and the foreign holidays, do it. If you'd like to change job, do it. You're in control.

jealousy is a playground emotion (as I think you realise), changes nothing and just makes the jealous person unhappy.

I don't understand home schooling, in so much as surely your children can then only be educated to the parents level?

I left school with only a few O'levels. My DS is currently at Uni, studying Engineering and Astro physics! He passed all his school exams with A's. My DD has just been accepted to Uni.

There is no way I could have educated them to this standard. They are both very academic, and I am not. I'm far from stupid, but they have both surpassed me academically.