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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that depression/anxiety makes you stronger?

79 replies

FlowersAndShit · 31/03/2016 08:23

I've had to find an inner strength just to keep my head above water recently. It's so hard but I can't give in, because I've tried that route and it just leads to more suffering and helplessness.

I'm trying to very slowly wean myself off my Sertraline. I want to try and cope without these drugs, I've been on and off them since I was 16 (25 now). I've found an inner strength that I never knew that I had. I have to be strong and in control because I'm afraid if I don't, I will lose my mind.

The feedlings of despair and dread, the stomach churning anxiety is there, but I'm trying really hard to be strong.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 31/03/2016 15:55

There can be a fine line between 'strong and in control' and 'I'm repressing it all to try and get through life'. You don't need to be 'strong' all the time. Mostly, we are none of us 'in control' either.

I don't want to rain on your parade, it's just that I don't feel those words are helpful, or the best things to aim for. 'Stable, content and realistic' would be my watchwords.

Truly well done for finding the resources within you to keep going. That is something I really admire. Just don't hate or deny your illness and your frailties. They are part of you and even if they don't make you stronger, will likely make you wiser and kinder.

Finally, coming of meds for a specific purpose like pregnancy is obviously sensible, but otherwise, why do it? Some people only need meds for a short while. Others for longer, and some will take a maintenance dose for life. There shouldn't be any stigma attached to any of those patterns-it is what it is. Please get some advice on where on that spectrum you fall and whether now is the time to wean yourself off the Sertraline.

FillingMakesMeVom · 31/03/2016 16:01

I dunno it makes me feel weak sometimes and useless but I'm aware it's made me a bit more empathetic although I was known to be so anyway, but I am gradually getting better and think I am generally better for having gone through it(until I have a bad turn again)

It's something I wouldn't wish on anyway but in a way I feel like I'm a better person having gone through it if that makes sense

SirChenjin · 31/03/2016 18:07

Just coming back to this...have been thinking about it all afternoon. I think the only thing makes me feel 'strong' (if that's the right word) is that I recognise the depression/anxiety and seek help. My dad has bipolar disorder but refuses to accept the diagnosis or the medication - consequently our lives were made a misery growing up, and now that mum is dead I have to keep in touch every couple of weeks with this man who is like a stranger to us all. I vowed I would never visit this on my family, so I get help when I need it.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 31/03/2016 19:15

I'm very scared of relapsing but I'm going to try and see if I can cope. I was originally on 100mg, reduced that to 75mg for 6 weeks, and have reduced again to 50mg. I'm trying to do it really slowly, even more slowly that GP's recommend.

I'm going to start a depression/anxiety support thread in MH now if anyone is interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 31/03/2016 19:20

Here's the thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/2604275-Depression-and-anxiety-support-thread

OP posts:
LilacSpunkMonkey · 31/03/2016 19:31

I've had ante-natal depression (twice) as well as PND. It was brushed off with my second pregnancy which meant that I went through hell with that but I was more closely monitored with my third. I stayed on Citalopram for my third pregnancy and it had no effect on DS2 at all, whereas me being depressed and anxious would have affected him I'm sure. I was also under a psychiatrist and seen more frequently by my midwife.

There is nothing wrong with being on meds during pregnancy if that's the difference between a calm and happy pregnancy and depression, panic attacks, anxiety etc. If you need to be on meds to have a child, OP, then please listen to what your gp tells you.

frumpet · 31/03/2016 20:49

It hasn't made me 'stronger' at all , but it has made me more aware of 'me' , now if the bad thoughts start , I can generally see them for what they are and tell someone , having someone to ring and say 'you will never guess what my brain is thinking now ' has made the world of difference . That someone has been there too , we usually end up having a good giggle at how ridiculous our 'thoughts' sometimes are , it is like deflating a balloon Smile

PurpleDaisies · 31/03/2016 21:09

I'm very scared of relapsing but I'm going to try and see if I can cope. I was originally on 100mg, reduced that to 75mg for 6 weeks, and have reduced again to 50mg. I'm trying to do it really slowly, even more slowly that GP's recommend.

When you say "even more slowly than gp's recommend" that sounds like you haven't seen your GP about this medication change. Can I urge you to see your GP before plauing around with your anti ds? They can give you some great advice about anti depressants in pregnancy. You don't want to set yourself back months or years recovering from a depressive episode.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 01/04/2016 09:04

You were all right, i've crashed this morning Sad. Maybe I need to reduce by 5mg?

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 01/04/2016 09:13

flowers Is your GP overseeing you reducing your meds? If not you should maybe book an appointment? I don't know enough about it but hopefully someone will post who does, sit tightFlowers

gingerboy1912 · 01/04/2016 09:19

Op I would get back on your meds and withdraw slowly from them if I were you If going cold turkey was successful most of the time we would all be doing it. Going cold turkey may be bearable with things like nicotine caffeine and sugar but not with AD's. Thanks

LilacSpunkMonkey · 01/04/2016 10:14

OP, you need to STOP managing the reducing amounts yourself and see your gp. This is not something you can do yourself. I've been on and off meds for years now and I wouldn't decide to manage it myself because it'seems dangerous, as you've now seen for yourself.

Go to the gp. LISTEN to what people here are telling you. You've asked for advice and we're giving it.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 01/04/2016 10:39

The GP recoomends an even bigger drop than what i'm doing Sad

OP posts:
LilacSpunkMonkey · 01/04/2016 10:42

By the sound of things you're not ready for a drop of any kind so you need to tell the gp that and either stick to your dosage or go up if need be.

AuntyElle · 01/04/2016 10:59

The book Coming off Antidepressants by Joseph Glenmullen is helpful. Gives you different tapering regimes, that are slower than many GPs recommend.

www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-off-Antidepressants-Successful-Withdrawal/dp/1845292561/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1459504524&sr=8-4&keywords=Glenmullen

AliceScarlett · 01/04/2016 11:12

Depends what you mean by "crashed", coming of AD's is going to be a horrible process, its not very likely that you will sail through it.
I'm interested in what skills you have learnt or what you now have in place to be able to cope off the meds...or are you just weaning yourself off to see what happens?

Obs2016 · 01/04/2016 11:23

No. It hasn't made me stronger. It changed me, damaged me. I'm not the same person as I was before. It has. Made me question everything and everyone and that's not nice and I wasn't like that before

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/04/2016 20:17

Flowers! I was wondering how you were doing only the other day; a couple of your posts have stuck with me.

I don't think it makes you stronger Flowers, or weaker. It's easy to become emotionally enmeshed with your own mental health issues - of course it is, they're there in the same place as your emotions all mixed up with "who you are". But they're not "who you are", they're just the hurdles that were placed in front of you on your journey. Don't love them or hate them; don't thank them or resent them. They are just a thing.

You're not stronger for overcoming them, because whilst your battling one thing someone else is battling another. You're not weaker for facing these hurdles; the obstacles placed in your way were decided at random; you didn't bring this on yourself.

Good luck flowers! I've found complete dispassion towards my issues is the closest I've come to freedom.

Faye12345 · 01/04/2016 22:21

No its broken me. Im a loser

maggiethemagpie · 01/04/2016 22:22

I don't know if it made me stronger but when I used to suffer from depression (been depression free now for 7 years) I didn't like taking anti-ds for any longer than very short periods to get through an acute phase, as I always felt like they were a sticking plaster, and the pain was there for a reason because there were issues I needed to deal with. Which I eventually did. So maybe it did make me stronger in a way.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 02/04/2016 22:01

I know it's not advisible to do this without GP input, but i feel like i know myself enough, and the effects these drugs have on me to make decisions about how much to reduce by etc. GP's don't seem to know a lot about withdrawals and recommend reducing them far too quickly. I'm prepared for it to take around 6 months to a year to come off them completely.

I've gone back to my previous dose where i was much more stable, and have felt so much better today. I'm going to reduce it every 4-6 weeks by 10% or even less depending on how i feel. I've been on antidepressants since I was 16, and i feel i want to see what my true self is, without the medication if that makes sense.

eatsleep Thank you Flowers How did you recover?

OP posts:
2ndSopranosRule · 02/04/2016 22:16

YABU.

I don't feel strong. I hate my normality of remembering to take my medication. It does work, but I hate it. I hate the creeping greyness. I'm not strong. I'm self-aware; I know when I'm falling. I had a very big fall last summer and I'm just about crawling out of it but I hate that over the past 7 years I haven't managed to stay off antidepressants.

I hate that I can't talk to anyone about it either. Not properly. A few people in my life know.

On the surface I'm happy, outgoing, have a perfect, lovely life. But inside it's all a bit black really. Antidepressants mean I can push that aside, objectify how I feel, put in place coping strategies.

Please see your GP. Mine won't even consider tapering at the moment even though I'm 'better'.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 03/04/2016 21:41

These kind of threads can be awful, however well meaning. I read the stories and hear how some of you have this 'strength' and it just makes me feel worse, I'm incredibly weak because I'm not coping.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 04/04/2016 19:28

I've found complete dispassion towards my issues is the closest I've come to freedom.

I get this, completely. eatsleep, you hit the nail on the head there Smile

coffeeisnectar · 04/04/2016 19:52

I've been on ADs for close to 20 years now. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and more recently complex PTSD. On top of that I have a physical disability which leaves me in constant pain.

Getting up and dressed and achieving one task a day is massive. Today I've been in bed all day, in too much pain to move. Anxious because it all falls on dp who has been at work all day and come home to do the house stuff. Depressed because my 10 year old has been stuck at home, I had to let a friend down and couldn't drive my teen to work.

Stronger? No.