OH choosing night with friends over me during our week off 'together'

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Ok, subject line is not long enough so here are the details.

Been together nearly 2 yrs, fully committed, wanting to live together etc. We don't live together yet but planned to spend this whole week together.

We each booked 5 days off work. His DCs and my DCs all with other parents. All good so far.

He's self employed so in control of his time off. I'm employed so booked annual leave. My DCs only see their dad on holidays so child-free time is very rare and precious to me. They left here on Monday afternoon.

He was sick last week so needed to work one day this week (today). Fine. Possibly might need to work tomorrow too, but wouldn't have known if needed until today, so not possible to make any plans for Thursday. Bit annoying but ok I guess. Work is important. Kids back at the weekend so that only left Tuesday and Friday just for us.

He also reminded me yesterday (when mentioning the possibility of working Thursday) that he was going out for friends birthday on Thursday night (boys only). Fine. I said I will stay over and we can spend Friday together. Especially if he was having to work Wednesday and Thursday.

Ah but no. Cos he wants to invite all his mates back to his house to partake in intoxicating substances that I wholly disapprove of and he knows this, so I will definitely not want to stay over and would not be welcome anyway. They will all still probably be kicking around his house til lunchtime on Friday.

I said I don't want to be there while that's going on. He said fine, come up Friday and we'll have a lazy day together.

I said no, I don't want to drive up there (30 min drive) and spend the day watching you recover from that, drifting in and out of sleep in a darkened room! Walking around your house wondering if that white smear on the bathroom mirror is toothpaste of something else. I'm fiercely anti drugs and always have been. He told me at first it was once in a blue moon, which I accepted, just about. As long as it happens well away from me. I hate it, makes me feel weird. But nobody's perfect so ok do it once in a while if you must. But keep it away from me and mine.

So when it came to doing it this week, our week, I was really upset. My annual leave is precious! So I said maybe on this occasion you could just go out for drinks but not invite everyone back to yours, since we arranged a week together, and then I can stay over and we can have quality time on Friday together.

But apparently that's me controlling him and not accepting who he is. That's me asking him to choose, giving him an ultimatum, etc etc. That's me being demanding.

So we have split up over it.

We had other difficulties with blending families, but we were working on them all and getting somewhere slowly but surely. I bought us each a copy of stepmonster ffs. I've read mine. He hasn't touched his.

But this week's escaped is a deal breaker for me.

He thinks IABU - am I? Or is he? Honest opinions please.

I think it's taken me so long because honestly when we are together and this issue is not present, we are a perfect match. Better than I could have hoped for.

He's a lovely man. He's not perfect, neither am I. I'm volatile and emotional and headstrong and argumentative. I can be hard work! I've struggled with the step-parenting thing, but I'm working very hard on that and it's improving every week. It's hard, but nothing like as hard as some have it. All our DCs get on most of the time, and I can be open and friendly with his DCs and they do seem to be ok with me being around. There is some hostility from one of his DCs which I find hard to deal with sometimes. But we were working through all of that, and we were getting there. I'm a hothead and a worrier with a lot of strong opinions and anxieties. He is calm and stable and kind and we balanced each other out.

He's clever, runs a successful business, is fabulous with all our DCs, loves his mother, knows how to use a washing machine! Compared to my exH, he is a godsend! Except for this.

Because of all the plus points to our relationship, I tried to accept this drugs flaw of his. I would have accepted it like Pegs if he had stuck to rare occasions like he told me it was in the beginning, and not let it curtail our rare time together. But when it comes before me, that's why now I have drawn the line.

I'd hate to think he would do it in secret. I'd hate to live with him and have him stay out overnight so he can do this. His friends all do this, at his house, because he is the group's 'single man with empty house' and I hate that, because it makes me feel like I have no presence in his life.

Bleach I'm sorry i upset you.

It's ok penfold. I know I drink too much and I've admitted that to myself and to him, so I'm a bit touchy about having a comparison made with that, because the difference is that I'm willing to change that but he's not willing to budge an inch.

I'm reading the Jason Vale kick the drink book while I'm off work, hoping to be a happy non-drinker by the time I'm finished. He knows this but still chooses to turn this issue around onto me.

Btw everyone, he has read this thread and now agreed/decided he's a fuckwit to use drugs! He's decided to stop completely.

What a shame he couldn't take my views on board until he saw that lots of other people felt the same eh?

YANBU. You are now free to find someone who values you more

2 yrs in is still the honeymoon period, this is as good as it gets.

How do you know he's read the thread?

Is he with you now?

Look, you've said you have a drinking problem. He has a drug problem.

None of your dc deserve to live with that combination.

What would happen to his successful business if he were arrested for possession? He's not that clever, is he?

There's something unbelievably pathetic about a grown man or woman using on a night out. It smacks of desperation.

I don't agree that it's pathetic or desperate. It's a choice, and provided that choice is compatible with your choices, that's fine.

I'm guessing it's back on then?

Is that "he has decided to stop drugs after his binge last night" or "he didn't go on a druggy binge with his friends last night and spent the evening with me instead" ? If the former I'd be waiting and seeing as he hasn't actually changed anything yet and words are cheap.

Woah slow down people. I sent him the thread because I was furious that he wouldn't understand what I was saying, yet everyone here agreed with me. I sent it to give myself some closure. Then he messaged me to say that he'd decided to stop.

No he's not here. Jesus. I'm at home alone cleaning my house in between chapters of Jason vale kick the drink.

Even if he has/does ditch the drugs, the issue still remains that he pushed me aside without being willing to listen or compromise.

I have no idea what he did last night.

He could have been at home sober in bed. He could have gone for just drinks and told his friends to keep their drugs to themselves. He could have gone and partaken or they could easily have decided for him that he's well rid of a control freak like me and all piled round there to cheer him up with some powder.

I haven't asked. It's up to him what he does now.

How are you even with this guy when you are on totally different planets? You're well rid.

I wouldn't be bothered with all this. I do not believe love is supposed to be stressful, aiming to make a man into what you want him to be, when you can clearly see he is not a man with the potential to be a loving, caring, sharing, responsible lifepartner. Part of your chilrens' lives. Im not saying this to be flippant - I just feel so much time is expended in this 1 life, on people who simply aren't worth it. The drugs as bad as that is aren't even the main issue - its the simple fact that during rare and precious time off, his thoughts were elsewhere - with his fix, and his friends. As if you are an afterthought. Yes its up to him what he does now, and likewise for you. At least you are reading, and acknowledge your own issues. You could do much better than him

If he sticks to his promise you might consider giving him a last chance but it needs to be an absolute ultimatum. As in you will leave if XYZ. My DH gave up for about 6 or so years and has probably done it twice since we had kids with me reminding him each time what a tosser he is for even doing it. It's just so selfish as you know. Yeah I imagine it's fun (wouldn't know personally) but I'd like to think the possibility of leaving his kids fatherless is a wake up call. Anyone can take a bad batch of whatever. The safest thing is to never do it. All drug takers are selfish. If he puts taking them over you he's an arse.

I wouldn't believe him. His response was probably just to the thread you showed him, and he will forget about it and relapse when his mates decide to have another binge.

The thing is, you planned this week! I get the odd S/emp work thing came up (although that would be a pisser) - but honestly - needing bloke only time on a weeks holiday.

Best off out of it..

Even if you were cool about the occasional drug use (you're not and I wouldn't be either) he is acting like he is not bothered about seeing you. You've taken time off work to spend together and he has made excuses and not put you first. Even if he had to work he could have fitted you around that and put you before his boys night out. I would be very offended if I were you.

You sent him the thread? Oh dear.

One advantage of being self employed is you can take weeks off when you want. OK he was sick and couldnt work last week but if you had booked to go away somewhere would he just have cancelled at the last minute and worked? If his self emp job isn't paying enough to allow for the occasional week sick then it isn't viable as a job as you have to make your hourly rate high enough to cover holidays and time off sick.

Drugs would be a complete and utter deal breaker for me.

Why "oh dear" Vince? I would have done if he was dismissing my opinion as valid.

What a shame OP your relationship seems to work in so many ways. But not over this enormous issue.

I would think someone who took drugs once in a blue moon when their kids were away for the week, was more responsible than someone who went out getting drunk and coming in at 2am more regularly, and thought of hangovers as part of normal life.

I don't really have a big drugs / alcohol divide in my head.

Doesn't sound like you two are compatible anyway.

Hes making it clear that you need him more than he needs you, that he is the one with the most power in this relationship

Except you called his bluff and dumped him😉
Don't back down!

Lots of women, grandmothers are bringing up someone else's children because of a parent ( often the mother's) drug problem.

If a mother can't back heel drugs for the sake of the child they birthed then what chance has anyone else got with a drug user.

Someone I know lost custody of her child because of her drug habit . She was involved in an accident and got a lot of compensation. Not one penny was spent on that child.

Well done op for putting yourself and family first. Hope you find a nice man whose only addiction is love and happiness.

I feel so sorry for the wives and girlfriends of that group of losers.

When you get tomy age you get so many drugs shoved at you from legal sources it's like you're continually trying to dodge bullets. As each year passes.

My DH is fighting back from a stroke at new year that took some of his eyesight out. I just won't put anything in my body that could make it suffer terrible consequences if things went wrong. Thankfully neither will he.

Be really proud of yourself op. it takes real guts to walk away. It's going to hurt for a while but it will hurt a lot less than the future he had in store for you.

He says he will stop.

So will he be finding a new set of friends? It will be very hard to resist temptation every time he has a night out with them and they want to get drugged up at his place.

So maybe he will carry on but not tell you.