OH choosing night with friends over me during our week off 'together'

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Ok, subject line is not long enough so here are the details.

Been together nearly 2 yrs, fully committed, wanting to live together etc. We don't live together yet but planned to spend this whole week together.

We each booked 5 days off work. His DCs and my DCs all with other parents. All good so far.

He's self employed so in control of his time off. I'm employed so booked annual leave. My DCs only see their dad on holidays so child-free time is very rare and precious to me. They left here on Monday afternoon.

He was sick last week so needed to work one day this week (today). Fine. Possibly might need to work tomorrow too, but wouldn't have known if needed until today, so not possible to make any plans for Thursday. Bit annoying but ok I guess. Work is important. Kids back at the weekend so that only left Tuesday and Friday just for us.

He also reminded me yesterday (when mentioning the possibility of working Thursday) that he was going out for friends birthday on Thursday night (boys only). Fine. I said I will stay over and we can spend Friday together. Especially if he was having to work Wednesday and Thursday.

Ah but no. Cos he wants to invite all his mates back to his house to partake in intoxicating substances that I wholly disapprove of and he knows this, so I will definitely not want to stay over and would not be welcome anyway. They will all still probably be kicking around his house til lunchtime on Friday.

I said I don't want to be there while that's going on. He said fine, come up Friday and we'll have a lazy day together.

I said no, I don't want to drive up there (30 min drive) and spend the day watching you recover from that, drifting in and out of sleep in a darkened room! Walking around your house wondering if that white smear on the bathroom mirror is toothpaste of something else. I'm fiercely anti drugs and always have been. He told me at first it was once in a blue moon, which I accepted, just about. As long as it happens well away from me. I hate it, makes me feel weird. But nobody's perfect so ok do it once in a while if you must. But keep it away from me and mine.

So when it came to doing it this week, our week, I was really upset. My annual leave is precious! So I said maybe on this occasion you could just go out for drinks but not invite everyone back to yours, since we arranged a week together, and then I can stay over and we can have quality time on Friday together.

But apparently that's me controlling him and not accepting who he is. That's me asking him to choose, giving him an ultimatum, etc etc. That's me being demanding.

So we have split up over it.

We had other difficulties with blending families, but we were working on them all and getting somewhere slowly but surely. I bought us each a copy of stepmonster ffs. I've read mine. He hasn't touched his.

But this week's escaped is a deal breaker for me.

He thinks IABU - am I? Or is he? Honest opinions please.

I wouldn't be with an adult who does drugs. He's not a feckless teenager any more. I'd also be pissed off as it sounds as though you don't live together and he has far more free time that he could meet his druggie mates in but he chose to be with them rather than you. Different if you wanted him to spend every holiday playing cutesie couples but it sounds as though having a few days together was unusual. Leave him to grow up a bit and move on. He's maybe fine for a casual shag but not a relationship. He's a man child find a man

The issue is that he wants to do something that you totally disapprove of and that makes you incompatible. Whether that be drugs or something else, doesn't really matter, well apart from the legality obviously.

The drugs wouldn't bother me as much as the fact that you'd planned time together and the mates and drugs trump this. I'm assuming that he has more precious kid free time so could do this any time, where as your kid free time is less regular so this week is special. That would be the deal breaker for me.

I dated a couple of guys in the distant past that did drugs recreationally and drugs always won. It didn't matter that I didn't like how they were on drugs or during their come down, they wanted drugs so they had them. Every time. Drugs have that control over many people. You're fighting a losing battle going up against them.

You're well shut of him, honestly. He's a grown man acting like a petulant teenager. Move in with him and you'll what, be kicked out of your own home so he can have drug binges with his friends?? Nah, time to move on.

I do love it so when I see a woman decide where her boundaries lie and sticks to them

Does the mother of his kids know about the drugs?

The only way you could possibly think any part of this was okay is if you live his life with his life choices and see the world the way he does.

You don't (and quite rightly so imo). That doesn't make you controlling. It makes you incompatible. And the loss is his, if you ask me.

Yes, it's great to see you being so strong, OP. All his accusations of you issuing ultimatums, trying to control him, etc sound to me like the usual tantrum from another self-centred manchild too used to having his cake and eating it whose long-suffering woman has called their bluff for once. I suspect once he's had his night with his mates shoveling it up his nose he will come back grovelling.

Can I ask - are you quite certain that your not being welcome is only to do with the drugs, and not with any other entertainment they might have planned?

Dealbreaker here too. You and your children don't need him bringing drugs into your lives. Stay resolute. The drugs are not worth the better times.

Drug users are cunts. Well rid.

You seriously went out with a dirty druggy and had him around your kids? You should be ashamed of yourself.

I honestly wouldn't have classed him as a dirty druggie anymore than I would class myself as a stinking alcoholic. But maybe I'm wrong on that.

I didn't know this about him until we had been together for a few months. I told him then that I would never have started it with him if I had known. But I was in love, he was perfect for me in most other ways. And he told me he hadn't done it for ages and might only do it on rare occasions in the future. So I tried to make my peace with that, being maybe once or twice a year. I decided I could turn a blind eye to that if I needed to, as long as it never came near me or mine.

Maybe I was wrong to tolerate it on any level. I probably was, but like I say, I thought maybe that was just me being a prude. I'm a bit naive about these things. Class A drugs have just never been part of my world. Only drugs experience I have was a bit of weed at uni 20 years ago!

That's why this week has pushed me too far. It came into my world and affected me directly.

To answer questions, I think his DCs mother must know as it's a long-standing thing. I guess she tolerates it as she knows it happens when the DCs are with her.

Re what else might be going on there to make me unwelcome in the house at those times. I did once turn up after one of these nights out, half wondering if I would walk in on someone else, but nothing like that was apparent. I trusted that part was not an issue.

Oh well. It's over now.

I know I've made the right call. Still heart broken though. Alone again

Ignore Regina OP. Some people just like to be unhelpful. It's something to do with them having unfulfilling lives.

You've made the right choice
You are a mother first, and you have a responsibility to your kids so choosing to not have a druggie as part of their lives is a good decision and you are doing right by them.
You deserve so much better than settling for someone like this.

I think you are being very judgemental considering you have an addiction yourself.

You're not healthy for each other while you are both addicted. Break it off and focus on making yourself healthy.

You are well rid of him, well done!

If it was me I'd be ringing 101 and letting the police know what was going to be happening too. So that there are some real consequences for him. Because he's funding organised crime, human trafficking, all sorts of misery so he can have a good time, never mind that he's thrown your relationship away too.

I don't think this is a healthy relationship for either of you. Your 'intoxicating substance' of choice is alcohol his is drugs. You acknowledge that you have an issue with alcohol and admit he has had to look after your DCs and you with your hangover.
Concentrate on your own issues and let him make his own choices.

Rose I don't think I'm being judgemental. I have already said that on occasions when he's asked for us both to have time off alcohol together, I've agreed to that and done it.

I also tried very hard to not judge, even though i have strong views on this, largely based on the points that Ashhead makes. But the fact that this has interfered with our time that we planned and I have now wasted precious annual leave that I could have spent with my DCs was the deal breaker for me.

Come on penfold that's not really fair. How many here can honestly say they've never had their partner look after the kids for the morning while they sleep off a night out?

I didn't even want to go out that night! I was tired and couldn't really be bothered. He encouraged me to go and have a good time with my friends. He came here specially to babysit for me.

I'd happily do the same for him if he went out tonight for friends birthday, had a great laugh with his friends, got really drunk, came home in the early hours, and climbed into bed with me (as I was allowed to stay over).

I'd have watched a chick flick in his house tonight, probably with a bottle of wine, and gone to bed. Tomorrow I'd have made him coffee and breakfast and we'd have spent the day with Netflix!

But I'm banished because of my moral standards on illegal drugs. So none of that will happen now.

Hope he thinks it was worth it.

He sounds bloody vile. Honestly. Not worth a second glance in a bar, let alone consideration as an actual partner. Scummy is the right word. He gets a few days off work without the kids and all he can think is "epic bender time." Yuck.

Don't be all weepy about being alone. You're not alone. You have family and friends and do not need a man to be happy. Especially not a barrel-scraping like this one. Maybe some day a quality man will come along, maybe not, but do consider that - quality. Don't settle for second best.

I am sorry bleach all a bit crappy. You have definitely made the right decision.
Drugs and alcohol are particularly emotive issues both in real life and on MN so you will get lots of "opinions"!

The crux for me is that when you asked him to consider you and your feelings and possibly compromise - his response was that you were being controlling.. not
accepting who he is etc... that why lies a life of hell.

Anyway you have accepted who he is and you have taken control of your own life! It feels shit right now but you have saved yourself and your kids so much future heartache.

When I'd fallen in love with my DH I found out from him about his occasional drug use. I'm so anti drugs it's untrue. I never imagined being with someone who took drugs. I set non negotiable ground rules re taking them and he knows if he even thought about breaking them I'd be gone. One of them is whatever he does on a night out cannot affect our plans for the next day. If we've got stuff to do he has to suck up his come down. I'll give him the leeway I would if it was a drunken night out e.g. get the kids up and make all our breakfasts but he will get up and get going and not write the day off because he feels shit. Also now we've got kids I've told him he needs to only do it very very occasionally. Like once a year. And never have any in the house. He's stuck to this for over 10 years because he's lucky I let him at all. His friend's hide it from their partners and that would be a deal breaker for me. Your DP is an arsehole for letting his selfish drug taking get in the way of a nice day off together. Well done for putting your foot down. At least you won't have to worry about future negotiations on nights outs or finding him dead from an accidental OD (what I remind my DH about before he goes out on the occasions)

I think you've done the right thing. Surprised it has taken you so long. I think you'll both be happier by the sounds of it in the long run.

Pegs interesting that you had a very similar situation and made it work. That sounds like exactly what I was willing to settle for. But he just pushed me too far this week.

Of course, I'd prefer to be with someone who doesn't do that at all. I didn't know at first and then wanted to try not to throw away all the good things based on one bad thing. I know nobody is perfect, I myself have plenty of flaws but if they are deal breakers, I obviously try to modify them if the person is worth it.

He obviously didn't think I was worth it. Ah well.