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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite DD friends parents in to our home?

44 replies

SnailMale · 29/03/2016 10:11

We live on the outskirts of an affluent area .

DD attends a school where all the parents are professionals and are quite wealthy. We are effectively the odd ones out !

Our house is rented and it needs quite a lot of work doing to it . The garden needs weeding and is half finished with old toys / furniture outside awaiting removal from previous tenants .

Our stair carpets need replacing (awful bright red and paint marks all over ) .

The wood flooring is cheap but ok. Our couch is old and marked but we can't afford to replace it .

DD was invited to a friends for lunch a few days ago and when I went to collect her , their house was pristine Shock .

Expensive furniture , clean , tidy , not a weed in sight or even a mark on the walls .

DD has invited her friend over tomorrow and despite my offers to collect her / drop her home , the mother is insistent she will pick her up.

I'm mortified Blush . Our house is not dirty , it's just nowhere near perfect .

Would you judge me? Would it affect whether you would allow your child to come over in future ?

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 29/03/2016 10:16

If you're keeping the house basically clean and tidy i wouldn't judge at all.

I know how you feel, i've been there. AM there Grin

I recently took DD4 to a play date at a beautiful detached house. It was filthy inside and honestly i wont don't want to go back.

It's not all about money Flowers

EponasWildDaughter · 29/03/2016 10:18

Just to clarify, when i say filthy i mean avoidable stuff not the decor.

Food mashed into the carpet, pet hair everywhere, etc.

MooningIntoTheAbyss · 29/03/2016 10:33

Same! We live in a wealthy area of north London.
Lovely big houses, beautiful inside and out, gardens etc.
The decor of most is gorgeous and tasteful and obviously expensive.

We, however, live in a high rise block of flats that was built in the 60's. The walls are clean as. I painted them white but the plaster underneath the paint is cracked in places and has gouges.
Previous tenant was wheelchair bound and all the skirting boards and door frames are completely wrecked from the wheels, I can't afford to replace them all. Have tried wood filler but it's noticeable that they are badly damaged.
It's little things like that, scuff marks on wall near front door where I've knocked the buggy going in and out.

I don't judge. I might be envious of nicer homes then mine and people with more money but I am not judgemental of people with less.

I've been in some beautiful houses that are ugly/run down/dirty homes inside.
It's not all about appearances!

Having said that... I feel exactly the same as you. I can't bear the idea of having Dd's friends here for a party or anything cos it's small and cramped and not 'up to the local standard'. Makes me sad

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2016 10:58

As long as your house is clean then you shouldn't worry
Anyone who would judge you on where you live isn't worth your time anyway

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2016 11:00

I live in a lovely house. It bothers me not at all what houses my dds friends live in. Please don't worry about this op.

CocktailQueen · 29/03/2016 11:01

Add a nice throw to the couch, and some bright cushions. Bunch of flowers. Sorted!

As long as the house is clean, nobody will care. And if they do, they're not nice anyway!

You can weed the garden. How long will it be before the previous tenants collect their shit?

Looly71 · 29/03/2016 11:04

I feel same. House clean and tidy but not in same league as children's friends in both location and decor/size.

nosireebob · 29/03/2016 11:12

When I was little, we were a lot less well off than my friends and had the smallest flat. But everyone still preferred to come to ours, kids anyway but also their parents often came in for a quick coffee and chat when picking up, and it wasn't till later that I realised my single working mum could well have felt ashamed instead of being generous and welcoming. Because she wasn't, I grew up quite oblivious to just how much she must have struggled financially. I knew we couldn't buy lots of things but that was just how it was, it didn't seem to be a big problem or something to feel bad about. Wish I could be a bit more like that myself!

BestZebbie · 29/03/2016 11:14

I'd feel much happier dropping off a child at a house that was mostly clean but untidy or had worn-out carpets etc than one where the parent didn't want me to see inside - I'd then be wondering what they didn't want me to see in there and that would make me wary about leaving the child in that unknown circumstance. :-/ (I'd be imagining something dangerous as that would actually make me reluctant to visit, rather than socially embarrassing, which wouldn't)

centigrade451 · 29/03/2016 11:15

I have been in the opposite position - having had the big pristine house and other people feeling insecure when they see it. I would even avoid having play dates at home as people would act all weird afterwards and start apologising for their home.

I don't give a rat's arse about DS's friend's home - as long as it is clean and safe. What matters more is the welcome I get at another persons' home and whether DS had a good time. DS' best friend lives in a tiny tiny cluttered home, but I love going round and getting a cup of tea when picking up, because I am made to feel welcome.

sianihedgehog · 29/03/2016 11:17

Decent people will judge you by how much you do with what you've got, not by how fortunate you are. If your house is clean and tidy and works well for your daughter then no one worth giving a shit about will care that it is small and the furniture is old.

sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/03/2016 11:18

Is agree - be welcoming - offer tea and biscuits -

I have several friends with different homes - happy to sit in a pile of mess as I'm there to see them - or my children are there to play.

Baring health hazard dog poo I'm not that bothered.

SmaDizietSma · 29/03/2016 11:25

I wouldn't care or judge your house. My house isn't as I'd like it but I don't let it stop me having people over.

Chin up and tits out, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Floggingmolly · 29/03/2016 11:30

They won't judge anyway near as much as you think, seriously.

The only thing you're slightly unreasonable about is adding "the garden needs weeding" to the list of things you're embarrassed about. That's easily remedied, isn't it?

Sistersweet · 29/03/2016 11:32

Oh my goodness, I couldn't care less. I don't judge people on the size or decor if their houses!!!

Tatiana11235 · 29/03/2016 11:35

I understand what you're going through. I had a party for my 5yo DD a few weeks back at our flat and specifically told the parents it's children only. Blamed it on lack of space.
Why don't you ask the other mum to text when she's on the way and be outside with her child when she arrives. That way there'll be no need for her to come in Smile

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 11:43

I wouldn't want my children to play at a house where I wasn't invited in or welcome to drop off my children. I would want to know where they were playing but providing it was safe, cleanish, and I weighed the parents' up as kindly I couldn't give two hoots about scruffy furniture.

Having said that, it really wouldn't cost anything to weed your garden and stack the stuff waiting for collection neatly would it?

My DS was friends with a lad whose family was in B&B in primary school. The lad was a nice boy and has grown up into one of the nicest young men you could hope to come across unlike some of the rather more privileged little gits in the class.

Theimpossiblegirl · 29/03/2016 11:43

A friend made a comment about her house when I was due to visit recently. She was embarrassed because my house looks more pristine than hers. I love her house, it is old, full of character, books, art, beautiful old furniture. I also love my newer house with the neat cushions, twiggy shit and fairy lights. It's more about the coffee, biscuits and company that the condition of your home.

SylviaWrath · 29/03/2016 11:43

I'd be more bothered if it seemed you were trying to keep me away entirely.... I would let my DC go to your house as I'd be concerned about what you were hiding! You only have to stand in the doorway for a few mins, you don't need to make them dinner!

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 29/03/2016 11:44

Don't give it a second thought OP. The people who mind don't matter and the people who matter won't mind. A warm welcome and a smile is the most important thing.

I lived in a terribly worn out, damp house as a child - my DM kept it pristine but I was never allowed to invite people back because she was ashamed. I lived in fear of people finding out where I lived and used to get friends' parents to drop me up the road.... Now I have a big detached house but I am a sloven so I am judged nonetheless rightly so by my failure to keep it clean and cat hair free. Luckily no fucks are given these days Grin

SylviaWrath · 29/03/2016 11:44

Wouldn't

WeAllHaveWings · 29/03/2016 11:49

I wouldn't judge your house/furnishings unless it was an obvious health or safety hazard. If you purposely avoided me coming in I would be suspicious that you had something to hide.

I'd be more interested in you and if you seemed nice and welcoming to my dc. Its good to build a relationship with your dc's friends mums, especially as they get older and are more independent. I text some of ds's friends mums and vice versa on a regular basis if I see/hear something they should know.

If your dc hasn't had the friend over though I would be prepared to answer any rude comments from the friend..............another recent thread. Wink

Just because someone has a nicer home than you doesn't make them a nicer or more valued friend. Would you judge someone in a smaller home than you if they were confident, approachable and friendly?

Enb76 · 29/03/2016 12:06

My house is nowhere near finished, I have weeds everywhere and I've not finished painting, the stair carpets are atrocious etc...I am still happy for people to come to my house, it's not a health hazard and it's clean if not 'done'. It's among my child's friends favourite houses because they feel entirely happy to play and make mess and not worry.

Owllady · 29/03/2016 12:10

I take people for who they are, not what they have

scampimom · 29/03/2016 12:27

There's an old adage that helps me deal with my crappy/tiny/mess house woes:

Those who matter don't mind. And those who mind don't matter!

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