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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore my baby at 4an

87 replies

brummiesue · 29/03/2016 05:16

My 13 month old has recently started waking up at 3/4 am then staying awake for an hour or 2 shouting out, thrashing around and generally bring noisy and disruptive.
I generally bring him in with me, feed him, change him then try and coax him back to sleep while he behaves like this in bed next to me (dh sleeps in spare room)
I'm exhausted and it becomes very frustrating when he does this every night
Aibu to feed, change then just leave him to shout it out in his cot? He's rubbish at self settling normally but I'm losing the will to live! I know I shouldn't have gotten into the habit of bringing him into bed bed but I just want the noise to stop in the night but maybe it's time to be harsher
Have posted in sleep but not as much traffic there

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 29/03/2016 07:30

Define shouts - is it generally chatter or is he crying and upset?

If it's the former I would gently tell him it's not time to get up yet and leave him. If it's the latter then no I wouldn't leave him.

EponasWildDaughter · 29/03/2016 07:33

OP doesn't say the baby is actually crying. Shouting and banging about in the cot is how i read this.

DD (now 2) has done this from time to time from the day she went into her own room at 6 months. She sometimes wakes early and shouts, kicks the cot, chats to teddies, sings and generally buggers about in her own space.

I lay and half listen half doze, and if it turns to actual crying then i go in, but more than 9 times out of ten she eventually goes back off to sleep for a couple more hours.

gingerdad · 29/03/2016 07:33

I'm in the reassure and ignore which worked for us. Sil DD nearly 7 and still doing it as its now habit.

And it was usually me up in the night DW sleeps like a log.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 29/03/2016 07:36

It's probably a phase, we've had periods like this. We've usually gotten up with him and he's had an early nap, but it's always passed eventually. We both work full time, so it's been a killer at times, but early bedtime for us was the only way through it.

Everyone has their own parenting styles, but personally I would never leave a baby to cry. They have no concept of you being in the next room and just learn that no-one comes. More convenient for us, but undoubtedly very stressful for them.

Salene · 29/03/2016 07:38

No he is too young to ignore, please don't leave him upset. He will only stop crying because he thinks no one is coming for him. Just take him into the bed with you if husband sleeps in another room.

Believeitornot · 29/03/2016 07:44

Unless you're sure he isn't cold (which tends to happen gradually so very difficult for them to get back to sleep) or some such then YABU.

I very much doubt that your baby is setting an internal alarm to say "I know I'll wake at 4am to get a cuddle" especially if he's getting plenty in the day.

Mine would wake early - sometimes I'd have to remember to either pop the heating on to come on at 2/3am or sometimes it would be teething. Ignoring rarely worked - you could usually tell by the grumbles that they made if it would.

Diddlydokey · 29/03/2016 07:50

Yes, definitely leave him. I night weaned at 7 months so I would leave unless crying then do controlled crying from there.

poocatcherchampion · 29/03/2016 07:51

Wired op isn't saying he is crying.

I've just used the reassure and ignore with my 5mo who had been doing this all night and has driven me up the wall. Not crying but slamming his feet down in his cot and very much not sleeping

He seems unscathed by the experience

hazeyjane · 29/03/2016 07:56

Mine all had phases like this, and apart from ds they grew out of it - I don't think it is a case of, if you 'give in' they will be doing it when they are 7. I didn't ignore, I did what felt right for us.

EponasWildDaughter · 29/03/2016 07:59

I wouldn't leave a child crying but the OP hasn't said he is.

Shouting and mucking about in the cot isn't distress.

I agree about the warmth thing. The temp does drops away sharply in the early hours of the morning still at this time of year and wriggly toddlers are tricky to keep warm using covers. Is he in a sleeping bag OP? Or a thick zip up onezie? Just thinking of ideas.

FennyBridges · 29/03/2016 07:59

I reassured and ignored. Literally one time of crying, and me super anxious, but it was that or me losing the will to live. I'd been getting up at 4am, like you, because let's face it the child in your bed doesn't give you the opportunity to rest, and I was shattered and on the verge of needing to be signed off from my teaching job (secondary). That won't do! Signed off because I'm letting a 9 month old dictate that I wake at 4am?!!! One time of anxiety mixed with fury. I promise... From then on sleeping through. Until he was 1 I was doing a night feed too, but i needed that 2 hours sleep between 4 and 6 to function at work. (Deployed husband in navy was no use!!)

MattDillonsPants · 29/03/2016 07:59

YANBU. Take NO notice of the :( faces. Not everyone can manage with disrupted sleep....I can't. I did ignore mine when they got old enough to...not if they were sick...and I'd certainly check on them breifly but if they were just doing that "I've woken up and want to play" thing, then I would go back to bed.

Sure enough they stopped soon. Mine are 11 and 8 and both are well adjusted, happy and confident.

hazeyjane · 29/03/2016 07:59

Its weird how mumsnet has changed over the years - I'm pretty sure if you had posted a few years ago the vast majority would have said to cosleep/cuddle/not ignore!!

MattDillonsPants · 29/03/2016 08:03

Hazy really? I've been here for about 7 years and I'd have said the opposite! Funny how we all take different impressions away with us eh? :)

Hezaire · 29/03/2016 08:06

I'm in the ignore camp. It took ignoring mine for two nights in a row and now they sleep through. They haven't been scarred and will cry and shout for me if they are sick for example. It's not easy but don't feel guilted into getting them. If you use a baby monitor you might be reassured they are ok

MiaowTheCat · 29/03/2016 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 29/03/2016 08:27

13 months is a small baby really. If he isn't crying and is happy then leave him, but I would never leave distress.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 29/03/2016 08:38

I wouldn't ignore. DS nearly 14 months occasionally wakes up at silly o'clock and it usually teething or when he has a cold.
The one time when I thought I'd just leave it 10 minutes or so he had a fever and I felt so bad for not going to him sooner.
It does pass, I remember the older DC doing the same thing also.

LittleLionMansMummy · 29/03/2016 08:55

Ds went through a phase like this. He wasn't crying or distressed, he became what I'd call 'vocal'. I'd check on him, feed him, check/ change his nappy, smile and gently tell him it was too early then leave him to it. Invariably after 30 mins he'd go back to sleep. He hasn't been damaged by this response and is a happy and confident 5yo who sleeps brilliantly.

FennyBridges · 29/03/2016 09:02

Yes should have added... Mine sleeps well too. Like a log. We did get one of those clocks when they were about 3, when they'd mastered, "Oh look! I'm free! I can leave the bedroom!"

MrsJayy · 29/03/2016 09:05

I think you are doing to much with him at 4 am and he thinks its get up time stop feeding and changing and try and shush him back to sleep I wouldnt ignore him justvtry and limit activity no light on no nappy etc

Topseyt · 29/03/2016 09:09

13 months is not a small baby at all, and not one who needs nighttime feeds.

Mine rarely did this but when they did, having ascertained first that nothing appeared to be wrong, I ignored them. If they persisted then I would go in and tell them VERY sharply that it was NOT time to get up, so SHUT UP and go back to sleep.

I would never have entertained the idea of co-sleeping because my bed is my sanctuary.

It worked. Plenty will disagree with me but my kids are now happy and healthy teenagers and definitely NOT scarred for life by it so I couldn't care less.

civilfawlty · 29/03/2016 09:20

I really recommend checking out Andrea Grace. Even if you don't employ her services, her website has loads of advice. She does a brilliant combination of not taking the baby out of the cot, but staying in the room and shushing and back rubbing. It took two nights to go from my ds waking every 45 mins to sleeping through.

NoCapes · 29/03/2016 09:21

Topsey you would shout at a 13 month old baby to shut up if he woke in the night??

BestZebbie · 29/03/2016 09:26

I've had some success with a few nights of me going to sleep on the floor next to the cot (ignoring them but within sight) - after a bit they no longer seemed to need it as they knew I wasn't going to be entertaining.

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