To have made DD pay for the eggs she ate?

[sailawaywithme]

We live overseas and it's very costly to buy English Easter eggs. We splashed out and got all 5 of us a decent sized egg. We also bought 4 regular-sized creme eggs.

Each child had their own large egg and wolfed it down. When I went to get the creme eggs down (from a high shelf) they had all been eaten, despite me expressly telling my daughter (age 8) the day before that she couldn't have them. DD told me she'd eaten them all. Today when I came home from work, mine and my husbands large eggs had been completely eaten. By DD. Again - despite making it very clear that they were not to be. FWIW all the children received massive baskets of candy from relatives.

This is not in isolation - we are having lots of issues with DD being disrespectful and having no respect for other people's things. She has always been a child who pushes boundaries and I find her a real challenge at the best of times.

I emptied her piggy bank and told her that I would be using the money to replace the eggs. She has had an enormous meltdown and DH - as per usual - has rushed to her side, therefore showing her that she can basically do whatever she likes and Daddy will support her.

I know I'm going to get a lot of "you don't have a DD problem, you have a DH problem" responses (with good reason, I suspect) but my question is - was the punishment unreasonable? I really don't think it is, and there's no point even discussing it with DH.

Do Ex Lax make an easter egg?

I think there must be more to this than meets the eye and the egg incident is perhaps the top of the iceberg. YANBU though at all.

What a lovely helpful suggestion for an obviously troubled 8 year old miles. Reported.

I'd be pretty bloody cross with your DD but I'd be fuming at your DH! What the hell does he think he's playing at?!

As an aside, I'm sure you said she'd eaten them while you were at work. So who was looking after your children and seemingly allowed this to even happen?
I know it's missing the point but I'm just curious

When I was a similar age I stole my brother's Easter egg and of COURSE I was made to pay for a new one from my pocket money, I can't imagine anything less being appropriate.

I don't disagree with consequences but that sounds like quite extreme behaviour for an 8 year old. That's a lot of chocolate to binge all in one go. I would actually be a bit concerned about what's going on there to be honest. Sneaking a biscuit or one creme egg - pretty normal. Eating a whole pack of 4 and then 2 large eggs...That's not right.

I think the bigger issue here is why your eight year old is compulsively eating in secret. What's going on in her life to make her do that?

Exactly xena!

Punishment seems appropriate.

However I am at all of the "little madam" comments. Honestly.

She is 8 and is at risk of being labelled as naughty. She will get to the stage, if not already, of thinking that there's no point in behaving nicely for you if she's only ever told she is naughty by you.

You and your dh need to present a united front.

I wonder if your dh thinks you're too harsh on her at times and I'm guessing you think he's too soft. In this instance you're probably right but in other instances it could be the other way around. Especially in the way you talk about her in this thread.

So yes you do have a problem with your dh but you both need to discuss, calmly, a sensible and agreed approach. Which might require some compromise on your part as well as his.

And yes xena...!!

Chocolate - sugar - is addictive. But do you restrict treats? Make a big deal about certain foods? Or is home life quite turbulent?

Yanbu op. Your dd does sound troubled though and your dh is clearly not helping. Dh and I have different parenting styles but agree on the core values. If I believe he's been too strict I don't undermine him, I will make the point to him in private later. We have managed to meet half way and compromise in this way, but neither of us will ever undermine the other. Our 5yo loves sweets and chocolate too much, but even he has enough respect, awareness and self control not to do this (and knows when he's full!) This doesn't sound like the behaviour of a normal 8yo I'm afraid. Has anyone outside of your family expressed an opinion?

I'm surprised you didn't discuss punishment prior to doing it with your DH - would he have just wanted to let it go and could he have explained why this would be a good thing to you and not an action with negative long term consequences?

I don't think the punishment is extreme - but for such bad bit of behaviour I think DH and I would be backing each other up but also discussing prior to telling the child.

I would also ask about over eating and weight - is this a factor here rather than boundary pushing?

Two issues here...Co parenting...You and your DH need to sit down and plan how to deal with DD... You need to be on the same page....Consistent parenting is the key here..

Your DD - At 8 I would be asking why? Does she normally get chocolate? My DS is not bothered about sweets but loves Chocolate... I was on sweet stall at school disco recently and one child I know has a very restrictive life.. no TV, minimal sweets was the one child the came round and round again..

You say she will push boundaries .. what are the consequences... My Ds does every now and then.. I make sure I am giving him time, send him to his room so he is getting no attention for the bad.. Make sure I am praising the good.

I think if you specifically told DD not to and she did there is something more to this whether looking for a response, whether to prove she can do what she wants or a million other reasons.. At 8 while I completely support your punishment you also need to be able to talk to each other.. I can also add punishment never really makes a jot of difference to my Ds..He has a melt down then gets over it...

You and your DH have very different attitudes. You need to resolve your own relationship before dealing with the children.

Did your DD say why she had done it? 8 is an age where I'm not sure they always have enough self awareness to understand why it's hurtful and wrong to take others things. I'm not trying to make excuses for her. This behaviour clearly needs to be addressed.

I also think for the sake of your DD you need to let all previous resentment go towards your husband and have a discussion about how you both want to parent and have some mutually agreed strategies in place to support each other. A sticker chart could be a good positive start, for your DD obviously . There are bound to be things that you both can find some common ground on.

The last thing I just want to ask is, are you OK? I hope that doesn't sound too patronising but take some time for yourself and get some real life support if you can

If it had been one of my dcs, I don't think I would have taken money out of them. Partly because they wouldn't haver had enough money anyway, partly because it might not have had any effect (at that age, money didn't mean a ot to them) but more importantly because I tend to believe in very clear immediate quence and for me the money isn't, ie she will only feel that the 'hurt' of no money when she will want to use it, later on.
What I might have done is to go on the internet (or whatever way you got them) and puyt an order with her, take the money from her (as she would have had done if she was payting in a shop) and then given the eggs to her siblings/you as soon as said eggs arrived.
I would have made it very clear why too. (And I would have hidden any eggs like this somewhere too so she can't get to them)

But I agree, the issue here is long term and you need to agree with your DH that x behaviour will lead to y consequences.
I also do suspect that the fact she is a little madam has nothing to do with her temperament but has been taught but has been taught by your DH.

Now, knowing that yoou have lost a little girl, is it possible that he is 'compensating' and just cannot and will not accept she is ever 'punished' because in some ways she needs to be protected always? Is he like this with your other children for example?

xena both my dcs have been known to pinch each others sweets. It's not an issue with compulsive eating, and I suspect, in this case, it's even less so.

It's an issue with having access to something really really great (Remember no English Easter eggs where they are so they are and will be a RARE treat by default) and wanting it all for herself.
There is a lack of control here but also the feeling that actually she can do as she pleases (see comment from the OP about the fact she usually has no boundaries re other people property, ie it's not JUST chocolate. It's an attitude towards others)

Going forwards can you and dh put in place clear sanctions that you will stick to? I believe kids need clear boundaries so if she is told that next time she steals something, she will have to replace it from her own money - and then stick to it. And find appropriate ways of dealing with other behaviour where everyone is clear on what the consequences will be. Easier said than done, I know.

When DS1 was 4, he was a little rat. Throwing dangerous things at me, all kinds.

DH and I went to see a psych about it (I was a bit worried tbh, DH knew better than to try and leave me to it), and explained the situation. After about 7 minutes she said (whilst trying to stifle a smile) "you don't have a pre-schooler problem, you have a parent problem" .

The more DH didn't draw lines, provide consistent parenting (it all depended on his mood/tiredness level as to whether he would let everything go, or get snappy and unreasonable), the more I tried to rule with a rod of iron.

Consistent rules, both parents parenting the same way as far as possible, in the space of a weekend, we had our happy, co-operative little boy back.

It slips sometimes, but now he's taller than me, and we've had to adjust the consequences and approaches over the years, but he's great. Not a robot, but pretty darn great.

I could kiss that psychologist and the American guru type who wrote the "stating the obvious" book we worked from

I feel for you, but you know what to do really, don't you. Or rather, what needs to change.

Good luck,

Major X-post with similar ideas

Pinching sweets is fairly normal behaviour. Stealing a creme egg or even the whole pack over the course of a week, also pretty normal. As would be sneaking a nibble of the larger eggs. Eating 2 whole large eggs in one day is binging big time. I can put away a fair bit of chocolate when I want to but even I couldn't manage that and I'm not 8

Echo a lot of earlier posts but also suggest love bombing. Shower her with affection and spending time with her. Fake it till you make it, if necessary. Talk to dh and agree steps of consequences for various behaviours too. Combine the both.

As for the punishment, I think I'd sit with her and ask her if she thought it was fair that she had all the chocolate and you hadn't had any.
I'd ask her, as compensation, that she took her own money and paid for a chocolate for the other members of the family and handed it out with an apology.

This is why I like time outs. Giving ds 5 min in his room allows him to think about his behaviour, and it allows me to calm down and think of an appropriate way to deal with it.

I prefer consequences to punishments.
Taking her money is punishment.
Having her replace the chocolates is a consequence. It offers her the opportunity to do something good to counterbalance whatever she did wrong.

You were absolutely right to make her pay for replacements. She deliberately ate them, it's not like she was playing with a toy and accidentally broke it. I've done similar with my dcs, ds broke his little brother's new toy by throwing it across the room in temper so I made him replace it, it sounds harsh in isolation but it was an ongoing thing with him not respecting other people's things and I was sick of having to replace siblings things that he broke in temper. He's now much better at controlling his temper, it wasn't a magic cure all but it helped him see the consequences of his behaviour.

I agree with pp that you and your dh also need to be in agreement, even if one thinks the other is wrong you need to back each other up in front of the dcs and talk in private if necessary. It can be difficult to come up with an agreement but if you don't it could well become a huge thing between you. I had the problem of dh being a Disney dad to dsd and letting her away with everything because if he told her off she'd scream and cry to go home and would refuse to see him the next access day, at four year old it was ridiculous, when we had our first dc I told him it had to stop because I wasn't having my child be a nightmare and wanting their way or nothing. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, in some ways it was the hardest thing we've done, but eventually we got on the same page and dsd improved dramatically when with us and we generally manage to parent together. There are still times we think each other is too harsh but we deal with it away from the dcs and apologise to them if necessary though it's rare this is needed.