To have made DD pay for the eggs she ate?

[sailawaywithme]

We live overseas and it's very costly to buy English Easter eggs. We splashed out and got all 5 of us a decent sized egg. We also bought 4 regular-sized creme eggs.

Each child had their own large egg and wolfed it down. When I went to get the creme eggs down (from a high shelf) they had all been eaten, despite me expressly telling my daughter (age 8) the day before that she couldn't have them. DD told me she'd eaten them all. Today when I came home from work, mine and my husbands large eggs had been completely eaten. By DD. Again - despite making it very clear that they were not to be. FWIW all the children received massive baskets of candy from relatives.

This is not in isolation - we are having lots of issues with DD being disrespectful and having no respect for other people's things. She has always been a child who pushes boundaries and I find her a real challenge at the best of times.

I emptied her piggy bank and told her that I would be using the money to replace the eggs. She has had an enormous meltdown and DH - as per usual - has rushed to her side, therefore showing her that she can basically do whatever she likes and Daddy will support her.

I know I'm going to get a lot of "you don't have a DD problem, you have a DH problem" responses (with good reason, I suspect) but my question is - was the punishment unreasonable? I really don't think it is, and there's no point even discussing it with DH.

Those of you saying the girl is bingeing, has a disorder etc etc - rubbish. It's Easter - there's a lot of chocolate around, kids like chocolate, filling your face with chocolate feels wickedly good. As kids we used to raid each other's selection boxes at Christmas and snaffle bits of Easter egg... there were wails and fights galore.

But... the dd here has eaten chocolate that was clearly for the whole family and was expensive. The pocket money docking seems a fitting punishment. As others have said, it is a problem when parents undermine each other. It's easier said than done always to be on the same page. I know that dh has gone ballistic at the dcs on occasion when I don't think they've done much. I find my anger is proportionate to how tired I am which isn't great but it's hard to be Mary Poppins at all times.

But to move forward I think a good sit down with your dh, OP (not in dd's hearing!) and agree that you will talk about sanctions together before administering them. Probably your dh will think (as I have thought about dd) that if you are always telling her off, it will only make her feel "got at" and make her behaviour worse. I make a conscious effort to try to praise dd for small things so it's not a constant stream of negativity.

This incident is just one link in the chain.
I suspect there will be many other similar instances if you do not deal with this now.
My husband would not support me when my DD was six and would not brush her teeth. He said she did not have to do anything she did not like!
I ploughed a lonely furrow of trying to enforce sensible rules without Dad's backing.
She has turned out a very mature young lady of 17 with good teeth (no thanks to her Dad) Just been promoted in Army Cadets to RSM.
Not sure what this proves!
Keep your own standards up if you can. Don't let her be treated differently from your other children.

Her behaviour sounds similar to a little girl close to me of the same age. Very high maintenance , poor impulse control and low attention span. She can be fantastic but requires a very high level of attention and, as one of three DC she just cannot have this all the time.

I absolutely agree with very consistant parenting, keeping a close eye and helping her to make good choices. By all means take the money but in the longer term I would try to work with her on making better choices. If she's like my young friend she may also have friendship issues which impact on her self esteem and feed into her needing more attention from her parents.

Not entirely sure how you get dh onside unless it is sold to him as the only way forward in supporting your dd in growing up as a fully social and functioning individual...pinching Easter eggs is a common enough childhood sin but if it's part of a much bigger picture then let it act as a catalyst for change.

My XH always took DD1's side in everything, especially when she hit her teens. The consequence of this was that it all but destroyed my relationship with DD1. It has taken 7 years for us to reconnect and that was chiefly because she had a baby. It did put a huge rift in the marriage.

You and your DH need to be on the same page when it comes to your DDs boundaries. I don't think you were being unreasonable to make your daughter pay for the eggs.

I agree with Ditsy's post. Your daughter knew it was wrong and chose to do it anyway. Your consequences for her are just about right. It's important that your other children see these consequences.

I disagree with the posters who jump straight in about your husband. You've only posted about this particular issue and nobody else is qualified to say whether you should be in your marriage or not - and I think only self-important and un-invested posters would comment on that really.

I think you and your husband need to be a team though and back each other up. Perhaps he caved in 'for a quiet life' but he will be doing your daughter - and her siblings - a great disservice if he doesn't stand by what is right and wrong and teach his children that alongside you.

You're doing exactly the right thing; keep cool, carry on with this punishment and get your husband on side.

I'd ask her why she took other people's eggs, whether what she did was fair, how she feels and how she thinks other members of the family feel - not just about having had their eggs eaten, but also about the fact that she has had so much more chocolate.i'd also ask her how she would feel if her heats had been eaten, and how she would feel towards the person who'd stolen her eggs - so how her siblings and parents feel towards her right now.

Then I'd ask her what her plan was to put things right and would suggest a few options: 1) she gives up her pocket money to buy replacements (though I might point out that actually she should be buying enough eggs for everyone to have the same number as she's eaten...) or 2) if taking other people's possessions is ok, then her siblings should be allowed to go to her room and take whatever single thing they like as compensation. Option 3) is that she forgoes treats until the eggs are 'paid back', so has to watch you and her siblings eat ice cream on a day out etc. Option 4) let her siblings come up with an idea. Your DD then needs to choose one of these options or alternatively come up with a plan that everyone else accedes to. You know for sure that she isn't going to agree to 2) or 4) but at least it gives her the illusion of choice, and understanding that her greediness adversely affects others.

I have a 6 and 4 year old; generally this is the route we take to get them to understand impact and restorative justice. I honestly don't think either of them would ever take the other's chocolate now - they are scrupulous about sharing the contents of party bags and extremely generous about sharing treats with other children, we've still got Christmas chocolates on the side in full sight and reach - but it doesn't mean we don't have the usual squabbles. My 4yo is now very inventive with his own punishments!!

Today 09:44 Chocolatteaddict1

My niece did this a few years back and it was only a small part of a bigger problem.

It's excessive to go through the whole lot and to me it was massive loss of self control. It wasn't like it was just one egg. It was everybodies.

She wasn't told to pay it back, her mum just went and bought more.

She ended up stealing out of my house on two occations - the second time she took about £180 worth of make up out of my dd1 bed room (Chanel, Mac ect..)

It's ruined the close relastionship I had with her and her mum as she was never forced/told/asked to apologise.

By the time she was 14 she was sneaking out of the house at 2am, taking money out of her mothers purse eg £20 notes and was being a little shot in school giving teachers grief.

If I was you I'd be looking at what's going on in her head and making her pay the whole lot back

Is it the way you issue the consequences do you think?

There is a world of difference between being really angry and taking her money out of her money box in temper, or telling her calmly that you are very disappointed in her actions and that she needs to use her money to replace them because how would she like it if someone did that to her etc.

Maybe dh would be more supportive of you if it was the second scenario?
Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. I've sometimes found myself defending my kids when dh has over reacted. They do deserve a consequence but they don't deserve such vitriol or being spoken to so disrespectfully.

I understand that she winds you up but step back. At the moment you can't see the wood for the trees. What you are doing isn't working so step back. Agree with dh a scale of consequences for different behaviors. Try to pick your battles, present a united front but in the meantime love bomb her.

Totally disagree with Jeffrey. Egg-gate is over. Going on and on about it and discussing it with her is not going to help. It will just turn from being something naughty the dd did to the mum being horrible and refusing to forget it. The punishment has been given - and I think it was a fair one - and now move on. The dd has seen she did not get away with this, and that's a good start.

Posters saying it's not a dh issue - the OP says "there is no point even discussing it with DH" so there clearly is a problem there. I'd draw a line under the egg incident, but say to dh that there needs to be a party line on dealing with the dd.

I think Jeffrey wrote a great post, and along the lines of what I'd do. :)

I agree that it's not something to do now, but it's a great example of how to handle things in future, and it may be something that the dad could agree on.

I suspect there may be an issue with delivery as well. Being angry at finding out the chocolate is missing, possibly a few screams at the child, and/or going straight to her money and taking it away, is much less effective than taking some time to breathe, talk about why what she did was wrong and define the consequences for that behaviour.
I can see why the dad could be not on board with the first and not having the opportunity to go through the second option (if that's what he'd do). This is why it is best to calm down and talk and then deal with the behaviour.

xena both my dcs have been known to pinch each others sweets. It's not an issue with compulsive eating, and I suspect, in this case, it's even less so.

Yeah, I agree it's normal for kids to pinch each others' sweets ideal but this girl binged on a whole packet of creme eggs and two adult sized chocolate eggs, in secret. Thats binge-eating, and I know because I was doing it myself at that age. The OP needs to get to the bottom of this.

And what grape said too (didn't read your post before posting).

To your specific question: YANBU.

I wouldn't discuss it any further with her. She's had her money taken and she knows why.

Your DH and you need to be on the same page in future.

xena, having lived overseas where that sort of stuff was like gold, I can assure you that you don''t see it just as ''chocolate' or 'just another sweet'.
It has another very distinctive flavour, so much so that even now (30+ years alter) some of those sweets are still feeling quite magical to me.
You need to think about it as the best present ever ever ever. I remember as teenager the pangs of jealousy when another friend was coming back with a few packets (send to them by relatives or because they had 'gone back home').

Besides, even though I know that dc2 would stop way before eating all that, I also know that dc1 would have had no issue eating 4 cream eggs in one go and the end of two big eggs in a another sitting (which is what happened there). He can be very greedy.

jeffrey I'll pinch your idea of asking them what should be done. My dcs are muich older but this would fit well with I normally do :)

Wow, so many responses. Thank you! It's the middle of the night but I can't sleep. I'll address all the questions I can remember.

DD does not have disordered eating, I am confident in that. We eat healthily as s family but are pretty liberal with treats. Nothing is really off-limits. She is actually quite interested in healthy eating and such, and is not an ounce overweight. So one think I feel confident in not worrying about.

Things at home have been difficult for a while. I suffered terrible PPD and PPA after our youngest was born in 2014 and was briefly hospitalized. I am doing much better now and went back to work about a year ago. After almost a year on themselves we sold our house in January and moved into rental while we Searched. The primary reason that we moved was because it wasn't a great family community and there were very few little girls for her to play with. Lots of little boys, no girls. We close on our new place next month and thankfully there are lots of Kids on the block including school friends two doors down. We also changed school in September which has been a challenge. Her behavior at school deteriorated around the time we sold her house. Lots of pushing and shoving. She goes to a small catholic school and they are hot on discipline. She has been sent home on a number of occasions for hitting (I think the school has actually been a little OTT in this but we are working with them.)

As a family we are seeking counseling and DD is seeing someone weekly, trying to figure out why she gets so angry and how to deal with her emotions in a more appropriate way. We have just been through a very intensive testing program for ADHD among other things. We get the results on Thursday, the psychologist actually thinks part of the issue is a combination of high IQ and anxiety.

She is terribly jealous of her 5 year old brother. He is an incredibly happy, mellow little boy and everyone adores him. I think she envies how easy he seems to find life, if you know what I mean? Where she is quite rigid, for want of better word, he is "go with the flow." She thinks I love him more. I don't but I do find him easier to be around.

Last weekend DD was very upset, saying that she didn't feel special and that she was no good at anything, things like that. I tried to reassure her but once she has an idea in her head it's hard to turn it around. she has a tendency to see the glass half empty. Until I had my breakdown I was much the same.

Our therapist feels that her relationship with me is very much the anchor in her life. Despite the fact that I have three children, I feel as though she gets the lions share of attention. We do lots of mother-daughter stuff and went away to a weekend retreat last month. I really don't think I can be doing much more on that front. There are times though when I quite resent just how much of our family time depends upon what kind of mood she's in. More than once she's been in a mard about something and DH will want to cancel our plans because He thinks that DD's mood will spoil it for everyone else.

As much as I am sympathetic to the emotional stuff she's dealing with - and we are doing our utmost to get her the help she needs - I can't let her need for control, or whatever it is, justify her poor behavior. DH does enough of that for the pair of us.

For the people who asked - yes, he thinks I am too harsh and I think he's too soft. But he hates to cast himself in the role as Bad Cop and it's become a real fault line between us. During DDs meltdown yesterday she wanted to come and talk to me (I sent her to bed) and I heard him tell them both that they should keep away from me, because I needed to be alone. But in a tone that suggested that I was in the wrong, kind of a "don't of anything to trigger the beast" kind of thing. We have had counseling and I thought things had improved but I think we need to go back.

I don't think I answered many questions. I'll go back and try to answer some. It's 4sm here and I'm sitting in the dark typing this stream of consciousness missive. I needed to get this out there, and I appreciate all of your thoughts.

You are right and DH is wrong. And silly, because he's building himself up for massive problems later on. He should have supported you.

You say she has been "sent home" for hitting. Is this a state school? If so, this should be an exclusion. Are they doing things properly there? Fine for discipline but are they following through with support as well?

MatildatheCat yes she sounds very similar. DD is still struggling to find her feet, socially, and I am sure that plays into her need for attention. Last weekend she said that no-one "gets her" which broke my heart a little.

RhodaBull yes my tiredness plays a part in my responses, certainly. Mary Poppins I am not.

How does your DH justify supporting her on the issue of the eggs? Surely he accepts that she can't just get away with it? Did you discuss the punishment with him before taking her money?

Sailaway, I can very much relate to your post.

My dh and I also have different parenting styles and levels of firmness if you like. I'd say 90 % of our arguments are about the kids. My suggestion is (for big issues like this) you have a quick chat together out of hearing of the dc and agree a plan of action and then together calmly talk to her about what she did and the consequences.

That way there isn't one parent caught out by disagreeing with what the other had said. You have a united front. She can't play you off against each other and you both agree.

That really works for us. Good luck. Calm and firm and together. That's what you need.

Yes absolutely dd should pay for the eggs. She stole a special expensive treat for all the family

Dh should have backed you up or dd and your other dc will reliese that they can play you both off each other

DD does not have disordered eating, I am confident in that.

Given the information in your post - and I''m sorry you're having to deal with all of that - I'd say that's exactly what she's done. What else would you call stealing and stuffing enough chocolate to sink a boat, in secret?

She's got daddy wrapped round her little finger. She was greedy and took what did not belong to her. I would take the money and tell dh to stop pandering to her.

If you heard her ask to talk to you, why didn't you go up and talk to both of them calmly?
How long did you send her to her room for? And, more to the point, why? Was that part of the punishment, going to bed, as well as losing the money?

In addition to her issues, and how your OH responds, I do think you may well need to look at your own behaviour. I haven't seen you address it on this thread. It's all about how they react to you.
If she has anger issues, it sounds like you can also fly off the handle as well, or at least react too strongly too fast.

I asked my dcs about this thread. They said "hell yeah" they'd be able to get through two adult eggs and four creme eggs - no sweat. But I suppose if I had to enter an Olympic event I'd have to go for chocolate eating. I am (wo)Man v. Food as far as chocolate is concerned and I'm afraid I've passed on the genes.

Anyway, I can relate to OP's situation. Dd can on occasion set the mood for the day. If she's in a grump, it colours everyone else's experience and it's very, very difficult to reason with someone like that. You do end up half the time doing what they want to keep the peace and the other half losing your temper. I am also wary of being too accommodating as my mother lived her life trying to appease dsis. Actually I think in most families there is a Difficult One who gets to call the tune because if crossed they spoil things for everyone.