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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about this

59 replies

stickystick · 28/03/2016 21:44

I shall try to keep this short

I've just been skiing with my DP (I say DP as shorthand - it's a bit complicated as we have a DC, though have never lived together, but we're thinking about it)

As a (partial) thank you, we offered to buy our ski guide an early evening drink, at a nice bar in the town.

He was a bit late and we were wondering if he was going to show up. Then I spotted the guy walking past the window towards the entry. We both stood up to greet him as he made his way through the bar, and as we did, my DP said to me: "No yelling or shouting." Sort of in the manner a headteacher might tell a class of seven year olds about to visit a nursing home or Cistercian monastery.

I was totally taken aback and more than a little upset but I couldn't think of anything to
say in the five seconds before the guide joined us. But I couldn't get it out of my head. Who says that to their DP??! Or AIBU and this is completely normal?

In case you are wondering, I was about a quarter of the way through a smallish glass of wine at this stage, which was the only drink I had all day, so I wasn't at all drunk & disorderly...I've never been a big drinker & very rarely have alcohol at all since I had my DC.

OP posts:

Jelliebabe1 · 28/03/2016 21:47

Do you normally yell and/or shout? What an odd thing to say? Why though didn't you just say "err who do you think you're speaking too/ you're not my dad"

Weird both of you

Ameliablue · 28/03/2016 21:47

I think it is best to ask him what he meant as it is the sort of comment that will eat at you until you sort it out.

lateforeverything · 28/03/2016 21:54

Wtf? That's a really weird unprompted comment. Has he mentioned anything like that before?

Does he think that you fancy the guide and were therefore likely to start whooping with excitement??

Horsemad · 28/03/2016 21:56

How many days ago did this occur? Why didn't you tell him he'd annoyed you at that point?

acasualobserver · 28/03/2016 21:58

He was worried that you might embarrass him in some socially inept way. Somehow you don't sound the type though so this is his issue not yours. Can you think of other examples of when he's tried to control you like this?

Original poster

stickystick · 28/03/2016 22:42

I think I'm fairly unembarrassing...I don't do topless Tuesdays, tell loud revolting jokes, bounce behind the bar to neck Jäger straight from the bottle or anything like that. I can be noisy when I'm very excited, something like a goal at a football match ...or if I need to attract someone's attention urgently, like a three year old hurtling off on a scooter. I used to be a coxswain in my university days so I'm not afraid to use my voice if I need to, but in our whole relationship I've only ever actually shouted at him once.

I know it's not Rob and Helen territory but it did feel a very controlling thing to have said to you. I would have said "what's that supposed to mean?" but I didn't want to cause a potential scene just as our guest showed up. Then later on I went back to the hotel to bed and left them to drink together so I didn't get a chance to raise it later. I probably should have said something the next morning, but I had started wondering whether I was being unreasonable.

As far as other things go - he wasn't happy on our last day when I phoned him to see if he was awake (I'd gone down for breakfast already). He sent me a text saying "No chasing."

OP posts:

angelikacpickles · 28/03/2016 22:45

No chasing? Not sure what that even means but it sounds like he likes telling what not to do.

AgentZigzag · 28/03/2016 23:11

YANBU, the 'no chasing' is very odd, and I think you're going to have to ask him WTF he was on about with the no yelling or shouting, find out what image he has of you exactly.

An innocent explanation could be that he'd been with the DC all day and accidentally/unthinkingly treated you the same (you see posts on here about a mums trying to help their boss on with their coat or grabbing their 18 YO DCs hand to cross the road etc).

You don't sound as though you'd feel comfortable asking him about it though, is he likely to go off on one if you do?

Original poster

stickystick · 29/03/2016 00:23

Agentzig, I wish that were the case because if so would definitely have understood, but DC was at home in England...

OP posts:

Vixyboo · 29/03/2016 00:27

Ask him what prompted his comments. Try to ask lightly and not too seriously.

TheBouquets · 29/03/2016 01:41

Is DP a teacher or employed in a situation where he is in charge of people who need to be instructed on what to do? Maybe he got confused about where he was and he may have had more to drink than you.
Sometimes people say strange things when they are feeling nervous. Was your DP feeling nervous about meeting the ski instructor away from the instructor's work situation.
That was a strange text to say "no chasing". I saw that you left DP and the instructor to carry on drinking. Perhaps he was confused about who had phoned him on waking up after what may have been a heavy night of boozing.
It might be an idea to try to get a read of his phone but if there is something weird going on he could have cleared his phone records.

Lanark2 · 29/03/2016 01:44

He is trying to stimulate your powerful teacher kink.

USERNAME213 · 29/03/2016 01:54

I find the "no chasing" t

USERNAME213 · 29/03/2016 01:56

Oops too early.
I find the text odder than the comment although the comment also comes across as bloody weird. Does he usually prefix his comments with "no this" and "no that" because that would piss me off. Ask him what he meant and tell him he needs to work on how he communicates his issues!

Spandexpants007 · 29/03/2016 01:57

Rib him. Every time you are about to meet someone say 'no yelling or shouting remember'

sheldonesque · 29/03/2016 02:45

The next 'no - whatever' he gives you give him one back.

No sex.

MangosteenSoda · 29/03/2016 02:48

He is meant to be your partner, not your parent. Remind him of that.

OzzieFem · 29/03/2016 02:54

Sounds like he is confusing you with someone else?

PerspicaciaTick · 29/03/2016 03:03

" No being an arse" - every time he says something arsey. Or even if he just looks like he is going to be an arse.

Bogeyface · 29/03/2016 03:25

Honestly? My first thought is that he has a "thing" for your instructor.

BillSykesDog · 29/03/2016 03:34

Were you thinking about remonstrating the instructor for being late? Is that something you would usually do?

Sootica · 29/03/2016 04:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 29/03/2016 05:20

This is bizarre. As is the fact that you've found yourself unable to question him? Is he normally controlling?

WhattaMunter · 29/03/2016 06:25

Tell us a little more about your relationship OP. It sounds odd, I must admit.

SamanthaBrique · 29/03/2016 06:36

Is your DP German?

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