To be upset about this

[stickystick]

I shall try to keep this short

I've just been skiing with my DP (I say DP as shorthand - it's a bit complicated as we have a DC, though have never lived together, but we're thinking about it)

As a (partial) thank you, we offered to buy our ski guide an early evening drink, at a nice bar in the town.

He was a bit late and we were wondering if he was going to show up. Then I spotted the guy walking past the window towards the entry. We both stood up to greet him as he made his way through the bar, and as we did, my DP said to me: "No yelling or shouting." Sort of in the manner a headteacher might tell a class of seven year olds about to visit a nursing home or Cistercian monastery.

I was totally taken aback and more than a little upset but I couldn't think of anything to
say in the five seconds before the guide joined us. But I couldn't get it out of my head. Who says that to their DP??! Or AIBU and this is completely normal?

In case you are wondering, I was about a quarter of the way through a smallish glass of wine at this stage, which was the only drink I had all day, so I wasn't at all drunk & disorderly...I've never been a big drinker & very rarely have alcohol at all since I had my DC.

He just sounds a bit irritable to me. You don't live together, so maybe it was just a bit intense spending 24 hours a day together? I'm like that when I'm on holiday with family or friends, I find myself getting really irritated by people's idiosyncrasies. Although I to try to keep it inside because I know it's my problem not theirs.

If he's a quiet person and you're a loud person, then maybe he was getting steadily irritated all day and then found himself snapping at you? I'm not saying it's your fault, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's 'controlling' (as other posters have said).

OP I asked the German question because my XDH was half-German and would say things like that. As does a friend's German boyfriend. So I guess I wasn't far off!

OP says she's not a loud person GirlO, but even if she genuinely was it would be controlling of him to tell her how she should greet the instructor.

And that's the problem IMO, that he's got the idea into his head that he can tell you how you should conduct yourself OP.

You say you try and 'speak quietly and calmly at all times', or in other words you walk on eggshells trying to placate his unreasonable behavioural restrictions. You make sure your deportment and demeanor live up to his expectations or risk a sharp rebuke (actually, I'd say you're on to the step after that because he's telling you off before you've even bloody said or done anything!! Shows what he thinks of you).

Fuck. That.

You try and speak quietly and calmly all the time to please him. He sounds horrendous

He's putting his point across like an arse, but, OP, people who are loud generally can't tell that they are, so there's every possibility that you are loud. I'm embarrassed by loud people too, there's just no need for it, but I wouldn't approach it the way he is.

My ex was loud. He would get louder and louder without realising it and it was excruciating.

You have to be careful to speak quietly around him?

I vote exit. He sounds controlling. How is he modifying his behaviour to pander to you? My guess is the very idea would make him furious. And really, the fact that you feel you have to modify yourself should make you furious.

He also doesn't like people showing emotion. So I try to be careful to speak quietly and calmly at all times.

Really????? That is not normal. He doesn't like people showing emotion? You try and 'be careful to speak quietly and calmly at ALL times'

Is this so as not to awaken the beast?

Does not sound a healthy or respectful relationship.

OP don't address this with a joke. Making jokes about things that seriously bother you is not a good idea. It makes the other person think you find it funny.

Say straight out that it bothered you when he did this twice and that if he's unhappy with your behaviour he needs to tell you not instruct you how to behave.

Yes, I think you probably should reconsider the relationship. He sounds patronising, controlling, demeaning, no fun and weird.