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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about this

59 replies

stickystick · 28/03/2016 21:44

I shall try to keep this short

I've just been skiing with my DP (I say DP as shorthand - it's a bit complicated as we have a DC, though have never lived together, but we're thinking about it)

As a (partial) thank you, we offered to buy our ski guide an early evening drink, at a nice bar in the town.

He was a bit late and we were wondering if he was going to show up. Then I spotted the guy walking past the window towards the entry. We both stood up to greet him as he made his way through the bar, and as we did, my DP said to me: "No yelling or shouting." Sort of in the manner a headteacher might tell a class of seven year olds about to visit a nursing home or Cistercian monastery.

I was totally taken aback and more than a little upset but I couldn't think of anything to
say in the five seconds before the guide joined us. But I couldn't get it out of my head. Who says that to their DP??! Or AIBU and this is completely normal?

In case you are wondering, I was about a quarter of the way through a smallish glass of wine at this stage, which was the only drink I had all day, so I wasn't at all drunk & disorderly...I've never been a big drinker & very rarely have alcohol at all since I had my DC.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 29/03/2016 06:39

Did he think you were going to shout at the guide and make a scene? Did you ask him what's to no chasing thing meant?

curren · 29/03/2016 06:46

Did the no chasing mean he wanted to have breakfast alone?

Who were you away with? Why did you not share a room?

From his comment, I would think you are loud when you have had a couple of drinks?

MummaGiles · 29/03/2016 06:46

Maybe he just meant not to shout across the bar to get the guide's attention when he walked in, that he would see you on his own?

Queenbean · 29/03/2016 07:22

If my dp went downstairs for breakfast while I had a lie-in, then they telephoned me and woke me up to see if I was awake yet I'd be pretty annoyed. He's an adult, he can be trusted to wake up and come down for breakfast as and when he wants, I don't think you needed to chase him to see where he was

curren · 29/03/2016 07:26

I read the chasing bit wrong. You had gone downstairs and rang him in the room?

Yeah I would be annoyed with that. I would assume the 'no chasing' would be a badly written text while he was waking up. I assume he meant, stop chasing him.

WellErrr · 29/03/2016 07:36

I've had to say this to my mother before. She's incredibly loud and it's embarrassing. But she doesn't realise it AT ALL.

Maybe you are a bit loud...?

Skittlesss · 29/03/2016 07:48

It sounds very odd. I would have a chat with him and see why he's saying strange things (if he's never said that before).

Ledkr · 29/03/2016 07:57

Sorry but why are you still mulling this over and asking mn what to do?
This is the father of your child, you shag him fgs.
Id have just asked him at the time, "what the fuck does that mean? Don't talk to me like a child"
The chasing comment is really twatty, id think long and hard before you move in with him, it sounds as if he will be extremely difficult to live with a controlling wanker

Jessica78 · 29/03/2016 08:01

Hmmm - I went out with someone like this for a while, but he never really acknowledged that we were in a relationship. He made me feel like I was ridiculous a lot of the time, that he couldn't be 'tamed'. Didn't want to behave like conventional couples.
Turns out he had another life & gf, who he later went on to marry.
He was a bit of a twat really.

Apologies for projecting my own stuff, but all this 'I'm a lone wolf' behaviour pisses me off.

carabos · 29/03/2016 08:02

We were away for a weekend to celebrate a friend's big birthday and among the other guests was a couple with a DH a bit like yours. The DW was a nice, fun person, GSOH, normal. Her DH had a special hissing sound he would make if he thought she was going to be embarrassing . Except she wasn't being embarrassing, she was being sociable. It was a bit like how teenagers think that the way their parents even breathe is embarrassing.

It's not remotely adult-to-adult and you need to have words OP.

spirallinganxiety · 29/03/2016 08:03

Is your DP German?

jeavcike · 29/03/2016 09:06

Dh tried something similar with me yesterday. We were in a cafe with our dc and I had ordered myself a meal (he & the dc had eaten at home but I hadn't so I was hungry).
He and the dc were tucking into their buns and I was about to eat mine and he told me off! He said, "No! Wait until you've had your dinner!" I felt like one of the children being told off for being naughty, especially when he then told me off for some other minor misdemeanour.
I didn't wait and stew on it though and told him there and then that I'm not his daughter and that it's not his place to tell me I can and can't do. He made out like he was having a joke but didn't say anything else.
I think that perhaps you ought to do something similar: pull him up on it whenever he tries using his father/teacher voice on you and remind him that you are a grown woman and don't need telling off. A simple statement or even a raised eyebrow will do; it doesn't need to turn into an argument.

Topseyt · 29/03/2016 09:24

I would have pulled him up on it immediately and made him explain himself. I don't care who was present.

He would soon learn not to treat me like a child or he would be exposed publicly.

AugustaFinkNottle · 29/03/2016 11:56

How long ago was this? I think you do need to ask him what he meant and get it through to him that that a relationship between two adults is a relationship of equals, not something where one person gets to issue orders to the other.

Original poster

stickystick · 29/03/2016 12:27

Very useful. I am relieved to hear others have had this experience. I guess it boils down to two issues - one, how do I react if/when it happens again (sharply, or making a joke out of it - I quite liked the suggestions to do the latter & I think it might be more effective).

The second, bigger issue is, is this a Sign that I should be exiting this relationship, not heading further into it. I know it sounds a trivial thing but I don't want to be bossed around like a child. And while I honestly don't think I am embarrassing, I don't want to be with anyone who is embarrassed by me.

I had thought it was reasonable to ring his mobile to see if he were up - we only had the morning to ski because we were leaving at lunchtime, so we didn't have an indefinite amount of time...but perhaps I was BU.

@samantha/spiralling - he is not German but lived in Germany for a while & speaks fluent German....!!! Brilliant!!

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 29/03/2016 14:58

I'm a bit puzzled about how he actually mean the remark (I agree it is odd)

Are you a very enthusiastic greeter - and he finds it too OTT? (I only ask because my XH used to accuse me of being 'too friendly' to people) - if that is the case you could discuss why it makes him feel awkward and come to some sort of compromise.

Or because you had been discussing this guy and wondering if he would turn up, did he think you might be annoyed, - possibly projecting because he was slightly cross at the lateness - so he was just saying 'no yelling and shouting' as a sort of instruction to both of you as in 'lets play this cool, don;t say anything about him being late, even though it's annoying'

But if the 'no X Y Z' is a regular thing, then I would tell him you won't be bossed around and he needs to stop (and if he won;t stop, I'd leave him - it's disrespectful and controlling)

KurriKurri · 29/03/2016 14:59

'meant' the remark

Original poster

stickystick · 29/03/2016 16:11

He doesn't really like anyone speaking loudly for any reason. He also doesn't like people showing emotion. So I try to be careful to speak quietly and calmly at all times. We weren't that bothered the guy was a bit late, but I think he must have thought I might greet him "too friendly-y" as you say. What has upset me is saying "No yelling and shouting" in that way - it's the way you speak to a rowdy seven year old, not a tired 42 yo.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/03/2016 17:09

Was he with you when you gave birth? Was he supportive, or flinching whenever you groaned?

8angle · 29/03/2016 17:20

He also doesn't like people showing emotion. So I try to be careful to speak quietly and calmly at all times.

This isn't healthy in an adult, loving relationship!
You should both be tolerant of each other - it all sounds like a lot of work, sorry.

He showed two clear examples of treating you like a child and making you feel crap, in a 24 hour period when you were on holiday this should have been fun!

Vintage45 · 29/03/2016 17:20

From the first comment it sounded like you can get angry and shouty. From the second comment sounds like he's telling you not to tell him what to do.

All in all sounds like you aren't compatible.

Vintage45 · 29/03/2016 17:23

From your third comment (posted whilst I was writing) about him not liking people showing emotion, I'd really not even think about having a future with him.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/03/2016 17:29

He sounds fucking weird.

imeatingthechocolate · 29/03/2016 17:47

i would not be moving in with him

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 29/03/2016 17:52

What do you see in him?

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