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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re: DH taking DC's Easter eggs to work

93 replies

VeganCanBeFabulous · 28/03/2016 08:40

I just want to check that I'm not completely overreacting. I have two DCs aged almost 3 and 5. Yesterday DH and I did a little Easter egg hunt for them in the garden.

Their haul was 5 creme egg sized eggs each of various types. DD tried two of hers and wasn't keen. DS hasn't tried any of his as he had eaten a fair bit of chocolate given to him by my Mum and I told him he had had enough and could try his another day.

DH has taken it upon himself to take the remaining 8 eggs to work with him today to give out to his colleagues! DS came downstairs this morning and immediately asked where his eggs were (he didn't want to eat them at this point, just to look at his treasures the way kids do!)

I rang DH and he explained what he had done. His defence was that DD hadn't liked the eggs she tried so he thought he'd get them out of the house to stop temptation for us (we are both trying to lose weight at the moment)! Also I am vegan so don't eat milk chocolate so it's a mute point for me! I asked him if he had asked the children if he could take them? He said no. I said that I thought to take the children's eggs without even asking them was terrible and a really disrespectful thing to do - the eggs belong to the kids not him! I said that even if they didn't like them he should have asked them before he took them to give out to people the kids don't even know. DS hadn't even tried any of his eggs! I said that the decision for what to do with them if they didn't like them should have come from them! I asked him if he would do the same with their Christmas presents and he thinks I am being completely unreasonable and overreacting. So AIBU?

OP posts:

Iambubbles86 · 28/03/2016 10:07

My dad took 1 of my large easter eggs when I was 3. I've never let him forget it, its an ongoing joke but if I'm honest I am slightly bitter about it because of the principle that it was mine and I was not asked.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/03/2016 10:16

What an idiot!!!! To the poster that said upthread that it was genetic hardwiring, brains don't really work like that. Some men are socialised into behaving like pricks but it's not their brains, no such thing as boy brains and girl brains, just brains. It sounds like his dad behaved like a jerk to him so he doesn't seem to know where the boundaries are. I cannot believe anyone told you that are overreacting. He has stolen your childrens gifts, I mean c'mon, what a nasty thing to do.

Peyia · 28/03/2016 10:19

My heart breaks at the sound of that childhood Blanche. Nothing would be safe, how awful. And the 'junk' under your bed, it does sound like emotional abuse.

Sorry for the slight derail Vegan - I guess Blanche's experience is a good example of children's perceptions and how it can affect them. It's good you're doing your best to instil respect and good values in your children.

curren · 28/03/2016 10:19

YANBU it's thoughtless, as if he's forgetting that the kids are people too, and that these are their belongings.

Not really. I wouldn't give a flying fig if someone ate my chocolate or took it to work.

That's where I am coming from. Kids are people. But with so much chocolate about at Easter, my kids would care either.

outputgap · 28/03/2016 10:19

vegan, you are not being in any way unreasonable. I have similar aged dcs and the oldest doesn't really like chocolate but is playing with the pretty eggs in a basket. They are both rehiding and finding them. They are their eggs, not mine or dh's.

blanche, your post is utterly heartbreaking. Doesn't matter that you're 50. I still want to go and collect your things and give them back to you. Me and dh are 40, and literally all of his toys are in his parents' garage, his own dad still has his own favourite soft toy, and my mum has my favourite toys at the bottom of my old wardrobe. And part of that is about respecting who we were as children, that we were people with legitimate interests and very strong feelings about little plastic boxes with dinosaurs on or whatever. Which is why I find your parents completely baffling. Did they not know that you had feelings too? How could they have such little compassion or imagination? Poor little Blanche! I want to give her a hug and her stuff back.

littleleftie · 28/03/2016 10:20

YANBU

I would take a load of his stuff - CDs, PS games, whatever his treasures are, and when he notices say, "Oh, I took it and gave it away to people at work" See how he likes it!

Have you posted about FIL before? It sounds familiar. My XFIL used to do this until DS stabbed him in the back of the hand with his fork

Peyia · 28/03/2016 10:23

Lamb

This is turning into a support thread. My mother never took anything from me - I had siblings to do that. I do remember one Easter I never got one egg. I remembered that for years and always thought how mean my mums was. It was only when I started working myself did I realise she was just broke. I'm glad she showered us with hugs as they are priceless

sorry for getting mushy

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/03/2016 10:29

blanche have you ever confronted them about it? Dh had similar things happen to him, his sister was treated so differently. His mum just claims it didn't happen, even though other people remember it. She does that all the time, just comes up with a version of events that she likes.

Their relationship has completely broken down now as his mum was turning on dd, that's when dh snapped. It's the old fear, obligation and guilt with a sprinkle of gaslighting that keeps you in your place.

Fwiw, he is so much happier now,.

OurBlanche · 28/03/2016 10:35

Yes, I have, a couple of times. I only ever get one response, that I was an odd child who had some very strange expectations.

I have no idea what that means or why wanting to own my own stuff was strange!

I haven't lived in FOG for many years. We have a distant relationship, they live in Spain and we have very little contact. I have long realised that I don't really like them or have all that much in common with them.

DHs family were equally destructive. To be honest it took me longer to find a way to deal with them than my own DPs.

And yes... it has crossed my mind that as I have now gone low/no contact with two families it could be me, not them

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 28/03/2016 10:37

OP I would be furious with your DH for taking the eggs and I'm glad he's bringing them back.

Ourblanche my mum did something similar. She gave away a dolls cot, highchair, pram etc that my dads side of the family had bought me to my cousin. I reminded her many times over the years and she finally admitted that my uncle (her brother) had come and taken them. Said I was too old etc and took them for his daughter and DM felt powerless to say anything. Not convinced but at least she's now come up with something.

Original poster

VeganCanBeFabulous · 28/03/2016 10:43

Curren I can see that it wouldn't matter to you but it does matter to my children. They don't have much chocolate generally and the little eggs were the only chocolate they had from us and they each had one large egg from my Mum.

littleleftie I may well have posted about FIL before. Our relationship has been very strained at times - he is very academic and although I am reasonably bright, hold down a good job (I am a theatre nurse) and have some academic interests he often behaves as though he thinks I am not clever enough for his son.

He will often openly roll his eyes when I talk about things I know about and he doesn't (medical stuff) as though it is mere frippery. Anyway that is a whole separate thread. I am off now to clean the house as the in laws are arriving to stay for two nights this afternoon - deep joy!

Blanche I am glad you have an ally in your sister now but sad for both of you that it was necessary

OP posts:

miraclebabyplease · 28/03/2016 10:45

Vegan, I think you should show your dh this thread. Our two dds were given an egg each from me and an egg each from my mum and one other chocolate thingy. My eldest would be able to tell you exactly what she has as it is her treasure. I would ve livid if someone took it from her. As would I be livid if someone took something of mine. I work to provide a safe and secure environment for my dds, having their stuff taken away for no reason does not support this.

miraclebabyplease · 28/03/2016 10:45

Blanche - and to you

Ninjagogo · 28/03/2016 10:47

YANBU, and my heart is breaking for some of the posters on here! to you all.

Obs2016 · 28/03/2016 10:49

I do think it's an over reaction. I'd just say, oh dd didn't like that chocolate, so daddy is going to replace them with mini eggs/Oreo/cadburys cream eggs/which ever ones she does like.

edwinbear · 28/03/2016 10:52

YANBU. Children get very little influence over what happens in their lives, but should be able to feel secure that things given to them, belong to them and they do have a degree of influence over what happens to their belongings.

Blu · 28/03/2016 10:52

Op, I would suggest keeping the children's eggs hidden once they are returned, or your FIL will eat them / pull a similar stunt.

SanityClause · 28/03/2016 11:05

And how will he do that, Obs? With all the wealth of Easter eggs left in the shops after Easter?

And how dare he take the eggs without asking? Surely, the thing to do would be to say, "what if I take these eggs that you don't like into work, and I'll bring you home something you do like?" And as far as the little boy was concerned, he hadn't even tried the eggs to discover whether he liked them or not!

And on a practical level, how are you supposed to teach your DC that theft is wrong, if they don't understand about ownership?

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/03/2016 11:10

People would think it a bit odd that a grown man handed out his own children's Easter eggs at work.

It's a bit too much, a bit try hard.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 28/03/2016 11:11

Ooo.... what ur hubby did/does would rile me. I'm glad to hear he's bringing back the eggs. He needs to teach the children respect about belongings, and to ask before taking things. Can u imagine the conversations you'll be having with teachers when u discover your children taking things from other children without asking. He's currently a bad example for them.

If all else fails, you could always get a wet flannel, surprise him and start washing his face without telling him. I'm sure he'll be shocked and annoyed too.

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2016 11:15

I do think it's an over reaction. I'd just say, oh dd didn't like that chocolate, so daddy is going to replace them with mini eggs/Oreo/cadburys cream eggs/which ever ones she does like.

But her DS hasn't yet had a chance to decide whether he likes them or not!

My DGCs all know which eggs are theirs and love making their own choices

LogicalThinking · 28/03/2016 11:15

Not really. I wouldn't give a flying fig if someone ate my chocolate or took it to work.
It's completely irrelevant if YOU wouldn't care. It's not your place to decide if someone else should care. And what if it wasn't chocolate that you didn't care about, but a present that you did care about. Could someone just take that because they decided your feelings didn't matter?

MLGs · 28/03/2016 11:17

I agree OP. Children's property and their sense of what belongs to them is important. As PP has said, it won't do them any good if they think that something will disappear if they don't gobble it up straight away.

They usually sell cadbury's creme eggs all year though so you can always replace them. Make sure he knows his actions cost him money!

I have told my stbxh hands of DD's dark chocolate egg already, as that one is special to her, and he has form for eating everyone else's chocolate. We usually pool all of the "ordinary" Easter chocolate (i.e. the millions of cadbury's type eggs you get) in our house, though, as it only goes off otherwise.

kittybiscuits · 28/03/2016 11:18

Agree Logical. I wanted to say something about 'who is he trying to impress at work' but I didn't want to sound like I was suggesting an affair. But stealing your kids easter eggs to butter up work colleagues is bizarre l.

MadisonMontgomery · 28/03/2016 11:22

I think that's incredibly mean of your DH! And if I was one of his colleagues I would struggle to believe that his kids didn't want their Easter eggs so it wouldn't make me think better of him.

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