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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re: DH taking DC's Easter eggs to work

93 replies

VeganCanBeFabulous · 28/03/2016 08:40

I just want to check that I'm not completely overreacting. I have two DCs aged almost 3 and 5. Yesterday DH and I did a little Easter egg hunt for them in the garden.

Their haul was 5 creme egg sized eggs each of various types. DD tried two of hers and wasn't keen. DS hasn't tried any of his as he had eaten a fair bit of chocolate given to him by my Mum and I told him he had had enough and could try his another day.

DH has taken it upon himself to take the remaining 8 eggs to work with him today to give out to his colleagues! DS came downstairs this morning and immediately asked where his eggs were (he didn't want to eat them at this point, just to look at his treasures the way kids do!)

I rang DH and he explained what he had done. His defence was that DD hadn't liked the eggs she tried so he thought he'd get them out of the house to stop temptation for us (we are both trying to lose weight at the moment)! Also I am vegan so don't eat milk chocolate so it's a mute point for me! I asked him if he had asked the children if he could take them? He said no. I said that I thought to take the children's eggs without even asking them was terrible and a really disrespectful thing to do - the eggs belong to the kids not him! I said that even if they didn't like them he should have asked them before he took them to give out to people the kids don't even know. DS hadn't even tried any of his eggs! I said that the decision for what to do with them if they didn't like them should have come from them! I asked him if he would do the same with their Christmas presents and he thinks I am being completely unreasonable and overreacting. So AIBU?

OP posts:

AnUtterIdiot · 28/03/2016 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phalenopsisgirl · 28/03/2016 09:20

Gosh no, that was very off of him. It's the sort of thing I would do (I.e not tell ds I was taking them as he will say he does want them when he doesn't, resulting in them being chucked out when I clear the larder at Christmas ) but only after they had sat untouched for a month or so and were clearly unwanted and forgotten, not the next day!!!! If he treats their stuff like that what's the chance they will learn its ok to help themselves wildly hilly to his stuff.

SanityClause · 28/03/2016 09:20

My DH used to do stuff like this. He would eat the DC's sweets that were in the fridge, meaning to replace them, but then forgetting.

I think this used to stem from when he was a child, his possessions were not respected by his family, so to him, that was normal. (As an example, one year just before Christmas, his father and uncle unwrapped his present, and played with it, broke it, then put it back in the box, and re-wrapped it, and put it back under the tree.)

I have had to fight the DC's corner many times on this, and he does get it now. He does realise that the DC's things are theirs, and not communally owned.

Anyway, if he brings them back tonight, that will be fine.

AugustaFinkNottle · 28/03/2016 09:20

I think its an easy mistake to make.

How? How can you make a deliberate decision to take your children's belongings to give to other people by "mistake"?

TheStoic · 28/03/2016 09:21

At first I thought you might be overreacting.

Then I considered how I would feel if someone took MY Easter eggs.

Now I think you're underreacting.

teeththief · 28/03/2016 09:23

Who's idea was it to diet? I bet he had easter eggs for breakfast on the way to work

YANBU

GreenTomatoJam · 28/03/2016 09:23

YANBU it's thoughtless, as if he's forgetting that the kids are people too, and that these are their belongings.

My kids would happily share their eggs (be even more pleased to bargain away ones they didn't like) if asked, but just taking them - well, that's stealing, it's not an example that he should be setting his kids - I bet he'd tell them off if they went and snuck treats from the cupboard without asking!

bakeoffcake · 28/03/2016 09:29

sanity my dh had similar childhood experiences. The worst example being with food, their Father used to just take bits off their plate if he fancied it. Dh did this once to dd1, he just did it without thinking and couldn't understand my anger initially. He thought it was a normal thing for a father to do . He never did it again though.

OP, ask your H if his parents did stuff like this to him. Then tell him in no incertain terms that history will not be repeating itself.

Peyia · 28/03/2016 09:33

OurBlanche that sounds awful! I wonder why your parents did that. Did they think you'd outgrown it? (trying to make sense of it)

Wineandcheases · 28/03/2016 09:34

I would make him replace them

OnlyLovers · 28/03/2016 09:36

YANBU and I too would love to know how it's an 'easy mistake'.

I think the worst is, as you say, not thinking/caring about the fact that it was YOU, not him, who had to deal with the kids finding out. Totally thoughtless.

BeaLola · 28/03/2016 09:37

YANBU. That's stealing. I would be annoyed too. How would he feel if your DS/DD took his bottles of beer from the fridge, his aftershave, his cd's or whatever and gave them to your next door neighbour ?

redgoat · 28/03/2016 09:37

OurBlanche That's awful. Did you ever find our why your parents did that to you?

JolseBaby · 28/03/2016 09:40

OurBlanche

Your post made me well up. That is so horrible. Did you ever say anything? How did they justify it when you asked where something had gone - especially if you'd bought it with your own money.

There is a bit of biological hardwiring at play - the men going off doing the manual hunting and so on, so got the pick of the food. Kids were last in the pecking order. However we don't live in a cave anymore and there is no reason why anyone should have to take food from a child's plate to survive - it's just greed.

If he does this again then I would wait until he has something he likes and then just help yourself to it. When he objects then you can point out that the feeling of being angry and helpless is what his children are going to feel as they grow up, because nothing that they have will actually ever be theirs as your DH might fancy helping himself to it.

Original poster

VeganCanBeFabulous · 28/03/2016 09:41

Yes Bakeoff he will take food from the children's plates before they have finished and yes his father did the same when he was a child (still does actually - FIL tried it with me once and I hit his hand with my knife handle. He has not done it to me again!)

We will have a chat later about it I think. I want him to understand why I am angry and why it is unacceptable. I don't think you should treat children with disrespect simply because they are children. I think it is a really bad example to set.

We have had talks in the past where I have said I think he should say to the children that he is going to wipe their face before he does it rather than just launch at them with a face wipe and he thought I was being ridiculous. I asked him to imagine being a child and having someone come up unexpectedly and suddenly wipe their face and how that would feel. He is better at it now and sees that it avoids them squirming and trying to get away when he does it. I think he just thinks I am a hippy idiot sometimes! Meh

OP posts:

Blu · 28/03/2016 09:41

Tell him grown men taking sweets off babies is not a good look!

There is a logic about the chocolate, but how can he not know children / his own children well enough to know that kids love to look at their 'treasure'?

OurBlanche · 28/03/2016 09:41

I am not sure peiya

They would probably say I was good at sharing. Maybe that I lost interest in stuff very easily. But the little weaving loom still had a beaded necklace I was making for mum's birthday on it, the bike was used on the Friday, gone by lunch on Saturday. In one house we lived in I kept a stash of 'really important things' in a hole in the floor under my bed. DM found it. She told me she had found the rubbish I was too lazy to throw away and put a bin in my room!!! She gave the charm bracelet she found in that rubbish to a friend for her niece. Apparently I had so little respect for it it deserved a better home.

They still do have a very odd idea of who I am. DH finds them incomprehensible when they talk about me.

Original poster

VeganCanBeFabulous · 28/03/2016 09:44

Ourblanche sorry I missed your first post. Gosh that just sounds awful! I am sorry you had to live like that. Have you every talked to them about it?

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 28/03/2016 09:44

Sorry, I am derailing Vegan's thread.

But I do hope your chat goes well, Vegan, and he can see that it isn't a 'hippy' thing. It is more about creating a safe place for kids, where they can be assured the little things won't be upset/disappeared and they can learn how to care for themselves and their own possessions/relationships.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 28/03/2016 09:45

Has he still got them? It was a really mean and thoughtless thing to do. I would have been furious too.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 28/03/2016 09:46

Blanche that's so sad and emotionally abusive

OurBlanche · 28/03/2016 09:48

xPost all over the place

I have tried to talk to them. I am 50 now, you'd think that kind of reminiscence would be easy to do! But they laugh and say I always was an odd child, "such strange expectations!"

DSis has only recently been able to talk to me. She really only had their version of me to go by - I sort of disappeared at 17. She is appalled at my version of events. She feels like she has a new DSis

Not that she escaped the weirdness. They just saved her turn until she was an adult... which is why we now have common ground for the first time in our lives.

ScouseQueen · 28/03/2016 09:54

That's not right at all! He took their presents (edible presents still count) to give to other people without asking? They definitely need to be returned or replaced. And while I'm sure his colleagues are nice people, there are better ways to offload chocolate that's genuinely unwanted. We had a PTA event at school where the kids got eggs and all the leftover ones went to our local food bank.

bakeoffcake · 28/03/2016 09:59

ourblanche how bloody awful of your parents.

Vegan glad you are sticking up for your DC. My dh is lovely in every other way and he did get the message about treating the DC like people with feelings but it took a while. His parents were very controlling in so many aspects of his life, extending to making him work on the family farm, ever single weekend and school holiday, then full time when he left school, despite them knowing he hated farming.
It's good you're having a chat with you H, ask him how he used to feel when his father took food off his plate. I bet he opens up about other ways his parents didn't respect him.

kittybiscuits · 28/03/2016 10:03

YANBU at all. He should replace the eggs and apologise for the disrespect. Is there more to this situation?

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