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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Helping out a friend...

15 replies

Kittyinthewood · 27/03/2016 19:25

If you take your friends child to nursery three days a week (am going anyway as my child also goes three days a week) and this child plays & eats at ours an hour before we go two out of the three days and sometimes comes home with us, usually at short notice, for two or more hours.......should they contribute some sort of monies for petrol & play? This has been happening since September....more and more last minute favours happening....what do you all think? I suspect this happens a lot all over the globe so I am interested to see what is the norm here....I am not unhappy about this set up but some people have made noises about them not paying/gifting us and now I am confused. Thanks very much....and Happy Easter to you all.

OP posts:

HoggleHoggle · 27/03/2016 19:34

If you're happy taking the child into nursery given you're going anyway then I think that's ok...last minute childcare and regular pre-morning childcare - yes they should at the very least be offering to pay. To be honest it sounds as though someone's taking advantage of you - that's a lot of free childcare you're describing.

Collaborate · 27/03/2016 19:36

They can't pay you for your time without you being a registered child minder.

Different for out of pocket expenses, like food. But I suspect that's not what you're on about.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 19:38

You are being taken advantage of OP. If someone did that for me I'd be so grateful I'd be finding ways to say thank you in abundance.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 27/03/2016 19:44

I think it would be polite to provide breakfast - the occasional box of cereal/milk/croissants/box of eggs at the least.

Ikeatears · 27/03/2016 19:45

We've taken my friend's two children to school every morning since reception (one is at high school now, the other in y6). They always buy us a nice present at Christmas. If I asked in school holidays, my friend would have mine (she's a teacher) but I don't generally ask. If at any point we were resenting doing it, we would tell them and stop the arrangement.

Voteforpedr0 · 27/03/2016 19:47

I would offer some money for food or send some bits in a packed lunch box

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/03/2016 19:48

Asking for a contribution would place an obligation upon you to continue. While you're not accepting anything but thanks you can claim it's not convenient/you have other plans/something else any time you like.

If you think you're being taken advantage of why not ask the parent to supply whatever snack the child will need if you're fed up with providing them?

In your shoes I would stop being so utterly reliable. I'd even consider changing the days my child went to nursery to prevent being taken advantage of

Thurlow · 27/03/2016 19:48

That reads a little bit like you're being taken advantage of. Obviously it depends if they give anything in return in other ways? And if you're all walking to nursery then it may not be a big deal.

But in general, I can't imagine being a parent who kept dropping their child off and asking for favours several times a week and not repaying that in some way.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2016 19:49

If you resent it don't do it. Surely the woman is grateful for your help? But my final say on it would depend upon what she was doing in these spare hours......

Relaxing ? Putting her feet up? Working

Original poster

Kittyinthewood · 28/03/2016 08:20

Thank you everyone for your replies. So kind...especially as it's Easter and all.
It's interesting to read others views on this situation and they are all helpful. Parents are off to work earning or studying. I think that is why I have not been resentful of the arrangement. Though I suspect this is not always the case.....like probably doing stuff (grocery store etc.) on the way home from work. I guess I think this is OK if the children are happily playing here together and I work from home part time and stay at home Mom the rest of time? That's interesting that someone wrote if they did pay I would need to register as a child minder....(we are in the US so I wonder if its the same here?) which is so not what I want to get bogged down in! I am sure they are really very grateful for our help. Though when we are all zooming around it is hard to get together and just be normal friends again which we did a lot before this arrangement began.....so there is none of the fun stuff any more just the favour giving...so I am sad about that.....

OP posts:

CosyNook · 28/03/2016 08:25

They can't pay you for your time without you being a registered child minder.

Collaborate - I think this is wrong - where did you get this information?

Collaborate · 28/03/2016 08:35

Look under the section "Do I have to register to be a childminder?"

www.myfamilyclub.co.uk/work/skills-training/how-to-become-a-childminder-20187

Other websites say the same.

Haven't a clue about America though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2016 15:23

" I am sure they are really very grateful for our help. Though when we are all zooming around it is hard to get together and just be normal friends again which we did a lot before this arrangement began.....so there is none of the fun stuff any more just the favour giving...so I am sad about that....."

No, sorry, you are not friends any more. You are their staff. And I am sure that they are really not grateful for your help in the least. Or you'd be able to point at something concrete, e.g. them offering to look after your children in the evening/weekend to allow you to do something. They are taking you for a mug OP .

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 28/03/2016 15:27

It probably depends on what state you are in to some degree. But I know someone in NJ who provides before and after school childcare without being (or having to be) registered.

BackforGood · 28/03/2016 15:57

I think that's a massive commitment from you, and if it's not because of some accident or illness to the parents, (in which case I hope most people would do what they could to help out), then they are really taking advantage.

I would expect them to have been REALLY grateful and have given you something really expensive at Christmas (like an annual pass to a local attraction, or a short break away or something), OR to have suggested from the outset that they wanted to pay you.
I'm all for helping out as and when I can, but what you are providing is a childminding service so that is very different.
I don't know what the laws are in America - here, I understood you can look after other people's children, unregistered, if it's less than 2 hours a day, but you'd have to check that out for your state.

Now the arrangement is running though, you need to decide what you want to do - ask them for some regular contribution to food / ask them to pay you / decide if you can really have her after nursery as well or if you need to say now / decide you are happy to carry on / decide you don't want to do it anymore, or whatever.

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