To expect DH to tell FIL to sort his attitude out?

[BoopTheSnoot]

Slight backstory- I've been married to DH for almost three years, but we've been together for ten.
I've never really got on that well with FIL but we always made an effort on the face of it.
But things have deteriorated since I had DS in 2014. There has been no argument, no confrontation, but one day just before Christmas 2014 FIL just stopped talking to me altogether, including ignoring me in my own home. He blanks me in the street, he blanks me when we visit, just ignores my existence. I asked MIL if there was an issue, she denied that there is a problem.
Fast forward to now, and FIL has started making snide comments about DS. He says he's a whiny child (he isn't, but he does get very shy around FIL), how his other grandchild is the only one who was 'a good idea', he abbreviates my son's name and uses it to rhyme the nickname 'Smelly Elly' ALL the time. FIL and MIL take their other grandchild for days out regularly and have sleepovers but very rarely see our son if we don't do all the legwork.
My question is this: why the hell won't my DH tackle him about it?! If I bring it up he rolls his eyes at me and says I'm looking for a family row. NO! I just don't want to be treated like second class citizens for reasons unknown. And if he won't defend me, he should at least stick up for his own child against his horrible, horrible dad. Of course, I speak up in DS' defence but it gets ignored. I really think it will take DH speaking up for things to change. AIBU to expect him to bloody grow a pair and take his parents to task?
Sorry for the huge rant but I am so annoyed!

Peggy you can't seriously think op should risk that!

And it doesn't matter WHO the fil is really aiming his bile at, it is still affecting and bullying his gc.

Somehow I don't think he'll suddenly morph into giving a fuck about his gc's feelings just because the woman who stands up to his bullying is not there.

In fact I'd say he'd go all out to get at her through the gc, hoping comments would get back to and infuriate the op in a situation she would be unable to do anything about.

That's certainly a way of looking at it peggy

Another is that an adult who will do this to a child's face with the intent to hurt its mother - and all this in front of witnesses so God knows what they do when no one is looking - is not someone any rational parent would subject a child to. It is using the child as a weapon, and yes of course it is abusing the child. It's not the basis for any relationship of benefit to anyone except the abuser.

Normal people don't indulge or enable this, or indulge the abuser a little more to see if he might not choose to abuse the child if the situation is made more to his liking. They understand that normal people don't abuse children under any circumstances no matter what the provocation and on that basis they get themselves and the child the hell out of Dodge.

toomuchtooold I know, favourite child etc is not good full stop. maybe I worded that badly. BoopTheSnoot I was not for a second suggesting that keeping contact with granddad for new child was a good idea. I meant that the situation may occur. He already has form (FIL) for treating children differently so best not to expose new child to the potential of that, sorry if that was not clear. Everything about your FIL suggests he is not good to be around people full stop.

Re "The latest ploy that he enjoys is to walk past my workplace (retail outlet of a mobile phone network), slow his walk to a crawl, stare into the shop and make a point of not waving etc. To be honest, that just makes me laugh because it makes him look ridiculous. " He sounds like he has some sort of complex that he is the centre of the universe and needs to make himself so! weird.

peggyundercrackers re "I think it's fine for you to go NC but I think your children should attend with their father - if your DH wants the children to go they should go - your wishes don't over rule his."

I don;t think a mum automatically overrides a dad but IMHO I think where children's self esteem is at risk, as it is here, then the sensible parent's views does override the other parent's view. And if the children's dad was not so much under his own father's massively unpleasant thumb he would be able to see that.

FenellaMaxwell your shop idea is brilliant, but I suspect would inflame rather than calm the situation! (But is brilliant none the less!)

Boop you're absolutely right to stand your ground over the breakfast. Go NC now to save yourself and your DS the hassle of having to interact with FIL.

But essentially you don't have a FIL problem, you have a DH problem - and I mean that in the nicest way! Your DH is mired in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) associated with his learned responses to FIL behaviour.

It took me going NC for 15 months, my MIL passing away and some counseling before my DH put up the boundaries with his family to keep our relationship safe.

You might want to read the "Stately Homes" thread on the relationship board to fully uunderstand and the advice from seasoned pros who could ultimately save your marriage with their advice before it's too late. Good luck!

Wow, what a cock that man is! Who actually behaves like this! Your DH is utterly spineless to sit there and allow this to happen. I would lose all respect for him tbh.

You are right to go NC, you and your DCs. No way should your child be allowed to see someone who calls them horrible names and blatantly shows they are not the favourite G. What a vile piece of work FIL is.

YANBU - I would keep DS well away from the lot of them they sound absolutely toxic.

If DH will not support you though, what will you do? You rightly point out he would rather upset you than upset his father. Where does that leave you?

To be blunt your dh needs to step up and stand up for his wife and son.

I know it's more complex than that because of the power dynamics. But ffs

Exactly- where does it leave me and DS?
Because although the rest of our marriage is good, I can't stress the catastrophic effect that this issue is having strongly enough. It is causing so much upset.
And it's made me lose a lot of respect for DH- more so the way poor, innocent DS has been dragged along for the ride. I'm one snide remark about my baby away from aging their house

That should read egging their house

I understand that feeling. I've been there. And still am.
Are we forever to come second to the wishes of our dh's parents?