To expect DH to tell FIL to sort his attitude out?

[BoopTheSnoot]

Slight backstory- I've been married to DH for almost three years, but we've been together for ten.
I've never really got on that well with FIL but we always made an effort on the face of it.
But things have deteriorated since I had DS in 2014. There has been no argument, no confrontation, but one day just before Christmas 2014 FIL just stopped talking to me altogether, including ignoring me in my own home. He blanks me in the street, he blanks me when we visit, just ignores my existence. I asked MIL if there was an issue, she denied that there is a problem.
Fast forward to now, and FIL has started making snide comments about DS. He says he's a whiny child (he isn't, but he does get very shy around FIL), how his other grandchild is the only one who was 'a good idea', he abbreviates my son's name and uses it to rhyme the nickname 'Smelly Elly' ALL the time. FIL and MIL take their other grandchild for days out regularly and have sleepovers but very rarely see our son if we don't do all the legwork.
My question is this: why the hell won't my DH tackle him about it?! If I bring it up he rolls his eyes at me and says I'm looking for a family row. NO! I just don't want to be treated like second class citizens for reasons unknown. And if he won't defend me, he should at least stick up for his own child against his horrible, horrible dad. Of course, I speak up in DS' defence but it gets ignored. I really think it will take DH speaking up for things to change. AIBU to expect him to bloody grow a pair and take his parents to task?
Sorry for the huge rant but I am so annoyed!

If your DH won't defend you, and more importantly your son, then you have to be the one who makes the boundaries. You wouldn't see him if he physically or sexually abused you or your son would you?

I don't know what you do about your DH. I do know that I have experienced something similar with my DH and his family and the only way I have dealt with it is to ban BIL (whose behaviour is complicated but I would say less bullying than your FIL) from my house and only see him in public places, for a very short time, and where I can leave at any time.

My DH is onboard with this most of the time but then becomes rather misty eyed about his family when there hasn't been an incident for a while (because of my boundaries)... and then he softens.... there is another incident (not usually involving me as I am not present anymore)... and the whole cycle begins again.

It is disappointing because, while I am sympathetic that the problem behaviours were normalised by my DH growing up and that he has suffered so much because of them, I still can't accept that he would allow the same things to happen to me and our children.

Your FIL shouldn't be welcome in your home and you shouldn't attend any events that he attends, especially with your son.

You're right your fil is a bully and I agree that because you've had the guys to stand your ground with him he doesn't want to deal with you and is now starting on your ds.
Your Dh is a coward basically he needs to stand up for his ds but he's not at the minute is he.
I think you need to be clear that's whilst you've put up with dealing with your fil vicious ways and being treated badly you are not going to allow him to do the same to ds therefore until the problem is rectified you and ds will not be seeing fil. This will cause arguments your Dh will be desperate for this not to happen as he won't want fil to take it out on him but you are the strong one for ds so if it causes a massive arguement you need to stay on point.
I've been through some similar issues with mil and Dh would have rather cut his own head off then have tackled his dm over her behaviour but it had to happen.
Hope your Dh finds the strength to take on his Df once and for all op.

Depriving your new baby of a potentially loving relationship? At what cost to its brother and mother? The baby gets to witness and be scarred by all that too, golden children are no less damaged or victimised, just in a different way. Fuck that.

Why look for a resolution or thrashing it all out? It will be vile and FiL will never admit he was wrong, DH will struggle to challenge them. That way madness lies.

I'd make it simpler. You and children go NC, dp is welcome to see them whenever he likes but when they visit your home you and children will be out until they have gone, and family events are something you'll wave dh off to. dont row about it, don't even talk about it, just calmly do it. The ball is in ds's and PiLs court then to look for a way to mend fences if they want to, and you can decide if an overture is acceptable or something you want to consider. You may find DH is relieved.

It is utterly unacceptable to call a nearly two year old names and reject him to his face in that way, he is old enough to understand some of this and his purpose in life is not to be used for the entertainment of an unpleasant adult making it clear he and his mother are disliked and unwanted. Oblige FiL and from here on he does not exist in your and the children's lives. End of. Dh does not get to try and sacrifice his child to his father in the name of enabling an abusive relationship, you can point him towards a counsellor if he wants to debate that doing so is sane and normal.

YANBU.

When your DS is older and understands more about what is going on, how is your DH going to feel when your DS knows that he cannot rely on Daddy to look after him against bullying? Would your DH stand by and watch any other grown adult do this to your son?

You are absolutely doing the right thing. No contact and if your DH pushes you then ask him why he thinks that it's so important that you and your DS have to be unhappy, just so that FIL gets his kicks. 'Over sensitive' is the bastion cry of every single bloody bully out there. Your DH should feel bloody ashamed of himself.

"It was the same when he referred to my niece as being the only grandchild who was a good idea. "

How ould anyone hear someone say that their child was not a good idea & continue to see them??

Your husband needs help!

And if your FIL can say that about your son, he obvs isn't interested in seeing him, so no problems for your husband to visit alone?

I simply wouldn't entertain the idea of any contact.

If your DH can't approach his father and ask why he's behaving so dreadfully and demands it stops then I'd be telling your DH in no uncertain terms that he can visit them/entertain them alone!

I'm NC with my outlaws - best thing I ever did

Thanks everyone. I don't expect MIL to say anything to him. She can't, and absolutely will not, have a bad word said about FIL. She behaves as if he can do no wrong whatsoever. He probably treats her like shit too.
The latest ploy that he enjoys is to walk past my workplace (retail outlet of a mobile phone network), slow his walk to a crawl, stare into the shop and make a point of not waving etc. To be honest, that just makes me laugh because it makes him look ridiculous.
Me and DS shall not be attending anymore family get-togethers and will be going NC. DH can do as he pleases as I would never ask him to choose between us all, it wouldn't be fair. As for the new baby, same rules apply. I think the poor thing would only be treated the same as DS; and even if baby was one of the 'chosen ones' I would never allow someone to play favourites with my DC anyway as it would be damaging and unhealthy for them both.

This is just horrific for you Op.....I had an ex mil who made digs at me and made it obvious she preferred her other dil.....i used to cry and plead with my then husband to stand up to her and defend me but he never did....we were together for 14 years and i strongly believe the tension between me and his mum helped cause our marriage to breakdown.

boop have a conversation with Dh. Put your feet down. Stay away from fil. And if necessary make plans to leave.

I think it's fine for you to go NC but I think your children should attend with their father - if your DH wants the children to go they should go - your wishes don't over rule his.

FiL obviously does all this in front of you to wind you up and your taking the bait hook line and sinker.

I don't get why you want your DH to confront this man when you, as an adult, won't. If you want to find out what's wrong just ask the question instead of all this pussyfooting around. FiL has also picked up that you won't ask the question and uses it to his advantage. FiL will also see you going NC as a weakness and will feel even more empowered - instead of backing away step up, confront him.

I think I would go to breakfast, and announce with a tinkly laugh in front of everyone "you'll never believe what happened at work this week. The manager was going to call the police as there's been a weird old man hanging around outside the shop who he suspected must be a shoplifter. They'd showed me a picture from the security cameras, and it was you FIL! How on earth could that possibly have happened?"

It isn't really a matter of either parent's wishes overriding the others. It's about a parent stepping up to protect her DC from bullying when the other parent is unable/unwilling to do so.
Surely one parent's FOG to his parent doesn't trump his child's basic expectation of protection?

Op has confronted FIL. That's one of the things he doesn't like.

It would be wrong of the OP to allow FIL to bully her child, which he will do. The child will be utterly defenceless because OP's husband will clearly not protect his son from his own father's bullying.

There hasn't been pussyfooting around by the OP. That's what the rest of the family are doing and why tho old bully has cranked up the bullying to include a nearly two year old.

You're doing great, OP.

What kind of shit parent would take their toddler to see a person that calls them, a toddler, names?

Makes up nasty rhymes?
Insults and stalks their mother?

Fuck the dh with his FOG! A child's right to be protected from such foul and abusive behaviour trumps some deluded grown up unable to step I and defend his wife or child.

The dh in this is incapable of protecting his family. If he as a moth gets drawn to his father's flame, so be it, but he doesn't have to damage his wife and child in the process.

And yes, absolutely the op should bollock anyone who insults her or her child if her h can't.

I don't think that my wishes override those of DH. But I do believe that it's my responsibility as a parent to protect my DC from abusive/unhealthy behaviour. How do I know that FIL would behave any better towards DS if I wasn't there? There would then be nobody there to defend him. Would you take the chance?

No fuck that!

You are absolutely right to protect your children from this bullying by going you and them going nc.

Yeah, and absolutely when that twat shows up at your place of work tell him to do one or youll call the police. He's intimidating you because you won't play his game.

Your children absolutely should NOT attend anything to do with FIL with your H but without you. The man bullies toddlers and elderly women, and physically threatens women, and your H is a spineless coward who stands by to let a grown man pick on a baby. Why the fuck would anyone think that sending your children into this sort of contact would be a good idea?

You are right to stay away, and right to keep your children away. Your FIL doesn't like the fact that you stand up to him. If you have contact with him in future, don't bother with sarcastic comebacks - just tell them that you will not tolerate emotional abuse of your child, and leave.

You don't know whether he'd be better without your being there, & your little boy is too young to give an account. I wouldn't be letting him go with DH, esp as DH just doesn't seem to "get it"

He is calling the baby's names to get at you - it's nothing to do with your child really - it's just he knows that it will hurt you by doing that - he isn't bullying the child but he is bullying you and Yes it's abhorrent behaviour but you need to stand up to it not run away from it.

When he walks past get everyone together and point and laugh at him - don't ignore it.

If you weren't there would he treat your child any better. I suspect he would because you aren't there to hurt.

No. Don't take the chance. Steer well clear.

Tell Dh why although j suspect you've had this conversation already

What I suspect will happen is that Dh will go alone. He will be asked where you are. Then fil will bad mouth you. To dh. And eventually Dh will realise. it might not be the first time you aren't there...

Mil does this to dh about me.

Peggyundercrackers - do you have children? There is no way I would risk my children being treated that way when my dh has been bullied by his Dad so much that he won't stand up for his own child. My dh cannot protect our dc in that moment so it is my job to do it for the both of us.

Op, I think you should show dh this thread so he can see what danger his relationship is in.

Maybe show your DH this thread? Sometimes, seeing it in writing makes the difference. It lays home how much it affects you and how abnormal it is.

Its important to remember, that your DH probably grew up thinking this behaviour is normal, and therefore has a hard time grasping how completely unacceptable it is.

I don't think that my wishes override those of DH. But I do believe that it's my responsibility as a parent to protect my DC from abusive/unhealthy behaviour. How do I know that FIL would behave any better towards DS if I wasn't there? There would then be nobody there to defend him. Would you take the chance?

Boop I agree with your comments x 100