To think this is incredibly cruel??

[TeaOnEverest]

One of the school mums has been having difficulty with her youngest daughter, age 5, recently. The little girl has autism, and can be challenging. The mum has 3 older children, so has a lot on her plate

However, I was completely shocked yesterday.... I ran into her, and she started going on about how A's behaviour was so bad that she confiscated her beloved Dora doll.....and threw it in the bin.

The binmen have already taken it away. Mum is surprised that A doesn't seem to miss it at all, and is disappointed that it has had no effect on her behaviour. The little girl had been prewarned that the doll would be put in the bin.

The bad behaviour in question was interrupting mum on the phone, being rude to her siblings, and slamming doors

AIBU to think this is an absolutely horrible thing to do?

Could we just change the wording of this post a bit

DH and I have been having some difficulties. I suppose I've been annoying him quite a bit recently. What with family and work, he has a lot on his plate just now.

I have a favourite possession that means a lot to me. DH got mad the other day, confiscated it and threw it in the bin.

The binmen have already taken it away. He did warn me he would do this, but I never dreamt he would. AIBU to think this is an absolutely horrible thing to do?

How would it go? Would the word "abuse" come up in a few replies?

Depends, where you acting like a 5 yr old?

he thought I was

To those accusing Tea of 'gossiping', 'shaming' etc. This site is essentially a site which revolves around gossip, there are no identifying details and I think it's okay to ask for opinions, she has been unfailingly polite against the hostile posts too.

I have a dd2 with ASD, my until reaction is that it is wrong but MrsDevere does raise a good point that we are expected to parent above a level
expected of others

if you throw away a prized possession of someone's I think its irrelevant whether they're an adult or child. I've been a mother at the end of my tether and not handled it well at times so I can understand why, but it still doesn't make it right. And smashing up a favourite toy in front of a child is just awful :(

I am with her, but I wouldn't have thrown it away but perhaps hidden it somewhere for a while.

YANBU. Every post at the moment seems to find people wanting a fight at the end of it! xx

Ha ha ha today my made me supper. He had to organise the buying of food between working full time and looking after me and the house, then he had to cook it even though he fancied a nap but wanted to make sure I had a healthy meal. Anyway i wasn't that hungry so I picked it up handful by Handful and threw it on the floor. He told me that I was ungrateful and cruel. Abusive bastard.

My husband that it. The abusive bastard that he is

That toy binkie needed to be smashed to hammer home that behaviour was not going to happen again. I wasn't at the end of my teather, I was very calm while doing it.

For context the toy was big and plastic and he whacked my husband across the head hard enough to bruise while he was driving with it. That wasn't something he was going to get away with and its never happened since.

binkie I have worked with some of the most abused and neglected children for many years. My child is not one of them- he does know now that a wooden toy thrown at my face will is obviously not that treasured and will be removed.

He crossed a line and he knew it. He was old enough to know better. (He has issues but has no special needs).

My child is not a mini adult and I will not treat him as such. He doesn't have maturity or fully understand the reason for my rules- therefor I will not treat him as I would an adult.

My house, my responsibility and under my authority. I did not have that attitude with my husband who could have a reasonable conversation and didn't endanger himself and others.

klein

You write that post as if you are assuming I have no idea what it's like having children with ASD.

I have 5 of my own children who all have dx's 3 LF 2 HF the eldest is 23 the youngest is 16 and two more on the dx pathway.(3 and 2) I'm expecting a dx report for the 3yo by the end of this week.

I wish I didn't know that smashing up a room really does mean smashing it up, I wish I didn't know that lack of understanding of danger really does mean that and I wish I didn't know that banging a door really means over and over and over.

needsasockamnesty I was not assuming that at all, I already knew you have experience. I was responding only to the OP. I am sorry for quoting your example, I noticed it fly past but didn’t check who said it, and the OP probably doesn’t know what banging doors really means even if you do.

Of course it would be cruel if you took the toy away knowing what you do, but it’s the kind of thing people do when they are starting out and at the end of their tether and they really don’t know what else to do - they try to find a punishment that works, not yet realising that punishment doesn’t work. It’s not fair for you to put the worst interpretation on someone else’s behaviour when you are talking to a clueless and highly judgmental third party and the original person is not here to explain themselves.

That makes sense.

However almost every single post on here is one where the person being talked about is not around to explain themselves and all we have to go on is the information posted by the op.

I don't think its the worst thing in the world but I do think it's cruel and that does not mean I'm putting the worst interpretation on it, very few of us have got through parenting once we have been doing it for awhile without doing something stupid/cruel or dangerious without even thinking about it or without even thinking it is, often conversation with others is the only way we figure these things out.

Doing these things does not make people bad parents often it does not even make the parents worthy of significant criticisum despite us often having threads running into the 700+ posts about things usually on those sorts of threads I'm the one getting flamed for pointing out differing standards and that different parenting styles often do not mean rampant neglect (as that appears to be the normal one) and that more often than not the things the poster is saying make no sense if they are accurate so they may well be a unhealthy amount of hamming it up going on. People make mistakes it happens but that does not mean it's not ok to ask others thoughts on an isolated incidence or a perticular issue or give your opinion on it. And someone does not have to have the exact same experance or knowledge base as the person they are talking about.

almost every single post on here is one where the person being talked about is not around to explain themselves

Yes, that does seem to be true on AIBU, though on other threads people mostly ask for advice on their own parenting and not for judgments on other people’s. Which (I think) is one of the reasons why people tend to be harsher on AIBU than on other bits of MumsNet.

I think it's horrible to break or throw away favourite toys in an attempt to upset a child to 'teach them a lesson'. I've previously read about parents and teachers tearing up pictures or school work as well and I think that's horrible too.

Confiscate a toy= fine
Throwing it in the bin= WTF?!?

I have 2 ASD boys.

• I make phone call when they are at nursery/school.
• If one sibling is being rude to the other, they must play in separate rooms.
• We don't have any doors to slam

I burst a blow up chair in front of mine once not my finest parenting moment but end of tether was reached my Dds remember deranged mummy doing it 13 years later they never fought over a toy again. This mum had reached her tethers end I guess

I think it would be different if the toy in question was part of the bad behaviour, if the child had had the toy confiscated and returned on several occasions. In that case maybe I would think about permanently taking it away. To take away a much loved special toy and actually throw it away seems pretty cruel. The punishment is also not a natural consequence of the 'bad behaviour' (normal child behaviour) described and as such is not going to be very effective. The child will just learn not to trust you. Some people have commented that we shouldn't judge because we don't have a child with ASD. I think this is all the more reason to be understanding. Someone has compared this to how we treat adults. I agree that children are not mini adults but again, even more reason to be compassionate and understanding. Children's brains are not developed in the way ours are. The can't always think clearly and rationally. Their brains are literally physically different. A child with ASD is even more different to an adult without ASD.