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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is incredibly cruel??

123 replies

TeaOnEverest · 26/03/2016 11:21

One of the school mums has been having difficulty with her youngest daughter, age 5, recently. The little girl has autism, and can be challenging. The mum has 3 older children, so has a lot on her plate

However, I was completely shocked yesterday.... I ran into her, and she started going on about how A's behaviour was so bad that she confiscated her beloved Dora doll.....and threw it in the bin.

The binmen have already taken it away. Mum is surprised that A doesn't seem to miss it at all, and is disappointed that it has had no effect on her behaviour. The little girl had been prewarned that the doll would be put in the bin.

The bad behaviour in question was interrupting mum on the phone, being rude to her siblings, and slamming doors

AIBU to think this is an absolutely horrible thing to do?

OP posts:
ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:39

Oh, I understand why she did it. I just agree with OP that it was cruel. It wasn't a heat of the moment thing - mum wanted it to change her child's behaviour and was disappointed it didn't.

shazzarooney99 · 26/03/2016 12:39

ilovevegcrisps, putting a toy in the bin is not treating them like rubbish, its teaching them a lesson, so you say remove the toy, what if the toy has been removed a gazillion times and the child has not learned from this, I am so glad you can parent your child on the spectrum without resorting to throwing away a toy, however its not the case for everyone is it? oh and neither would i shake a child or call them a fucking idiot.

Verbena37 · 26/03/2016 12:40

The mum sounds like she needs more understanding people to support her.
I've never thrown away a toy completely (although I have in the past put them in my special cupboard until later) because my AS son treats his softies like family but before we knew about his ASD, we did threaten to take them away forever. it didn't work because he wouldn't stop his meltdowns with any use of threats so we achieved nothing.

Now we know that threatening to take away anything or even iPad time etc isn't going to work with him.
This mum will I'm sure, realise how upset the little will be (I assume) and perhaps feel that throwing things away isn't the best option but she sounds like she really has her hands full.

I'm not sure she fully understands how her own child's autism is affecting her (the child I mean).....there are lots of books she could look at which suggest other ways to discipline/achieve positive outcomes rather than those methods used for neurotypucal children. I wonder as well, if there are any local support groups to her where she can meet other parents with children with autism. That would provide her with new friends as well as a sounding board etc.

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:40

Shazza, I have to disagree I'm afraid.

The bin is where you put rubbish (obviously!) and it's treating your child as if their things and their feelings are just that - rubbish,

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree: presumably you think it's good parenting, I don't.

TheOnlyColditz · 26/03/2016 12:43

I am a mother of an autistic child. The one and only reason I never did this was because there was not a single possession he cared about that much. He is now 13 and his brother is 10. He is stronger than me. He needs to be kept the fuck in line because I do not want his brother going into care.

If you don't have a child with ASD, you do not know what it is like dealing with a toddler tantrum from someone who is 5'2", 9 stone, and has just ripped the door off the hinges to throw at you because he doesn't like the way his brother is chewing.

Either help her or shut the fuck up.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 26/03/2016 12:43

Mother of two ASD children and one 'NT' child too, but it seems we're just having an autism competition so I'll leave her out of it here and I think the mother made a dickishly rash decision. Yes the mother may have been at the end of her tether, yes she may have had enough, but you have to try to keep the shreds of empathy and model decent behaviour to your children. By acting like a twat she's modelling twattish behaviour and the circle will continue.

usual · 26/03/2016 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 · 26/03/2016 12:52

ilovevegcrisps, whatever.

Ohfuckaducky · 26/03/2016 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:55

Bit different though ducky as the actual toy was the source of the irritation no I don't blame you whereas this was done in an attempt to punish and sanction.

Original poster
TeaOnEverest · 26/03/2016 13:00

I'm really sorry if I have offended anybody by posting. I understand that the mum has a lot to deal with. I just felt sorry for the little girl losing her favourite toy

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/03/2016 13:00

She's probably tired and frustrated, not everyone can be a super perfect mum all the time. Parents make mistakes at the best of times never mind the harder times.

NinjaLeprechaun · 26/03/2016 13:01

Personally, speaking as somebody with HFA, if somebody was throwing away things I cared about, on purpose, then I would reach the conclusion that person didn't particularly care about my feelings and it would not make me want to be cooperative - and that's as an adult.
My EA ex used to throw our daughter's things away when she wasn't behaving the way he wanted her to, the only reason I ever saw for it was vindictiveness. Not just being mean, but being mean for the sake of being mean.

The child in the OP wasn't smashing things, or hitting people, she was interrupting her mother on the phone and slamming doors. So what the hell is the mother going to escalate to when the child is smashing things and hitting people?

unlucky83 · 26/03/2016 13:03

DD1 has ADHD (but not sure if that is relevant or not) When she was potty training she had nearly perfect control but took to weeing in her pants (because I once laughed and said you're worse than a puppy dog ). She would stop and spread her legs and wee -saying look at me - I'm a puppy dog. No matter what I said or did she carried on. She would go outside if she could - eg on the way back from nursery stop on the path outside the door but if I didn't let her go outside (to persuade her to use the potty/toilet) she'd do it inside. I bought her some special Winnie the poo pants she could have if she kept her pants dry for a day. It worked so she got the pants and more or less straight away 'forgot' (or it was a test) and did it again. I let her off and said but if you wee in them one more time they will go in the bin. She had a genuine accident.... I regretted what I'd said but felt I had to put them in bin anyway SadSadSad. And she did scream ...Sad
I sneakily took them out the bin and said I would buy her some more if she managed to keep her normal pants dry for a week, she wasn't a puppy - she did and she got them back...
A teen now and I have threatened to throw her smart phone out the window (not an iphone - with her record for losing and breaking things I'd be insane to get her such an expensive phone) and it works - because she knows absolutely I would do it ... I would just buy her a replacement £10 brick....I wouldn't suffer at all by doing it...
If something is causing constant arguments/conflict you have to do something about it - if reason doesn't work -drastic action has to be taken.
(DD2 completely different child - never had to go to such extremes...)

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 13:06

Very genuine question unlucky, why throw it out of the window?

Why not sell it, give it away, recycle it?

I've seen teenagers throw their phones on the ground to smash them to get new ones. Hate it.

WhoaCadburys · 26/03/2016 13:10

I don't think it's any more cruel than shaming someone with a SN child on a public forum - pretty recognisable if she is on here.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/03/2016 13:11

Why do you (or anyone for that matter) feel the need to have an opinion about this?

You're clearly not close enough to this woman to share and openly discuss your individual opinions on parenting with her so I don't think you have any business forming them.

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 13:15

Maybe some details were changed Cadbury

Why are you judging?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/03/2016 13:15

I think it's a cruel thing to do as well. Just because the child hasn't reacted to it, doesn't mean she's not feeling the loss.

DS1 still sucks his thumb at 8. My latest resort is to take one of his precious Pokemon cards off him every time I catch him at it. One though, he handed to me while I was in the kitchen, and I had something else in the other hand that needed to go in the bin, so I turned round and put that in the bin. He thought I'd binned his precious Pokemon card and was utterly devastated. I admit I did leave him a couple of minutes before telling him that I hadn't binned it, just to reinforce the point; but I couldn't have left it that he truly believed I'd binned it, or actually binned it.
I once made the mistake of telling him that if he didn't clear up his toys, they were going in the bin - he didn't, they all went in bin bags - but I couldn't actually bin them (own issues, plus cost, plus waste) - so I've never threatened to bin toys since, unless I truly hate them and they didn't cost that much and/or I didn't pay for them (in other words, unless I didn't mind them going in the bin.) The first lot, I put in the garage for a couple of weeks and then snuck them back in - but he remembered the lesson and has always jumped to it when asked to clear up now.

Original poster
TeaOnEverest · 26/03/2016 13:17

Ok eatsleep point taken. I'll ask MN to remove the thread. Apologies again to anybody I have offended or upset

OP posts:
Cakescakescakes · 26/03/2016 13:19

Having a child with SN means you spend your life being commented on and judged. It happens me all the time. My skin is thicker than it was but its still hurtful. If you've never been in the situation of parenting a child with SN (which is definitively NOT the same as having a 'challenging' NT child) then the actual cruelty in this thread is all the judgement without the experience to back it up. You can have no idea what this woman goes through on a daily basis.

Scoose · 26/03/2016 13:21

Everyone does things differently but I couldn't do it. My dd wouldn't understand the concept of it being a punishment for bad behaviour she would just think I had taken her toy away.

OliviaDunham · 26/03/2016 13:22

Id do it, you make a threat then you carry through!

Also to whoever said about throwing away an iPhone - after several warnings I took DSs to CashConverters hand handed him the receipt as proof!

Original poster
TeaOnEverest · 26/03/2016 13:22

Though I don't think the mum is a Mner as she doesn't go online much at all. And I changed the exact type of doll it was. So I am not outing the mum or child here. But I take the point that people are annoyed at the thread and feel that I don't have a valid opinion given I don't have experience of parenting an SN child myself. That's fair enough

OP posts:
Scoose · 26/03/2016 13:22

Oh and I say this as the mother of a severely autistic five year old