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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is incredibly cruel??

123 replies

TeaOnEverest · 26/03/2016 11:21

One of the school mums has been having difficulty with her youngest daughter, age 5, recently. The little girl has autism, and can be challenging. The mum has 3 older children, so has a lot on her plate

However, I was completely shocked yesterday.... I ran into her, and she started going on about how A's behaviour was so bad that she confiscated her beloved Dora doll.....and threw it in the bin.

The binmen have already taken it away. Mum is surprised that A doesn't seem to miss it at all, and is disappointed that it has had no effect on her behaviour. The little girl had been prewarned that the doll would be put in the bin.

The bad behaviour in question was interrupting mum on the phone, being rude to her siblings, and slamming doors

AIBU to think this is an absolutely horrible thing to do?

OP posts:

Samcro · 26/03/2016 12:08

shazza I Think you misread the post(I did at first)
op stop judging and be supportive

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:09

Okay, so she's struggling, but doesn't it send a very damaging message?

'I'm bigger, so I decide what happens on what belongs to you? Yes, even though it is yours. Even though it means something to you.'

My dad did stuff like this. Not trying to be cruel but he had no idea of sentimental value and threw away my school bag the day after I left school and gave away my blazer and tie.

It is horrible. You're essentially saying to your child that what they care about doesn't matter.

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 12:09

You need to read that post again shazza

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2016 12:10

I think you've misread sr123's post shazza-they're saying putting a doll in a bin isn't incredibly cruel, verbal and physical abuse is incredibly cruel.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/03/2016 12:11

sr123 didn't say putting the doll in the bin was abusive, read her post again.

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:11

Putting a doll in a bin isn't cruel to an adult.

A disabled child might see it slightly differently.

sr123 · 26/03/2016 12:15

I have one child with profound autism and I pointed out that it wasn't incredibly cruel to put it in a bin.

Samcro · 26/03/2016 12:15

the mum did say the child hasn't missed it

shazzarooney99 · 26/03/2016 12:16

Sorry sr3 i do apologise, i misread.

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:17

I think the autism is a bit of a red herring, truth be told.

It just is an unkind thing to do. Teenager or child, boy or girl, autism or NT. Taking something important from someone, that means something (and whether this doll did or didn't, the mother thought it did) and throwing it in the BIN, is not on in my world.

Would I confiscate a toy? Absolutely. Throw it in the bin? No.

What about when she's a teenager? Chuck an iPhone in the bin?

Dapplegrey1 · 26/03/2016 12:21

Ohfuckaducky
"I did that. With a parrot that repeated every word you said at high pitch."
A live parrot?

Ohfuckaducky · 26/03/2016 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 12:23

I think the autism is very relevant actually.

If you have a better way to get an autistic child to take notice I'm all eyes ilove ?

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:24

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you not every child with autism is the same gamer but I certainly would NOT do that.

Do you honestly feel children with autism should have the things they care about thrown in a bin? Genuine question?

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 12:26

So what do you do since you seem to have the experience to be so sure you wouldn't?

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:28

It's not about 'the experience to be so sure I wouldn't.'

I wouldn't do it to a child without a disability, because it's cruel. So why on EARTH would I do it to a child WITH a disability?

I genuinely don't understand the point you're making here. Is it that actually it is great parenting, and children with autism should have their prize possessions taken away from them and put into the bin?

I don't think it is, somehow - feel free to tell me if I'm wrong?

shazzarooney99 · 26/03/2016 12:28

So ilovevegcrisps, what would you do if your autistic child smashed his brothers iphone? or smashed the tv or smashed the xbox and his mums phone? I am all ears as to how you would deal with this.

2boysnamedR · 26/03/2016 12:33

I would have removed and hidden but the bin seems a bit too far. But agree no one can possibly imagine what it's like bringing up a child with severe asd. It's something you do until to do until you die from old age and every day until then rips you physically and mentally to shreds

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:33

Shazza, I will answer your question in a minute (forgive me.)

Is this a good way of dealing with misbehaviour in children with autism?

Since in five years or so of reading Mumsnet, it's yet to be mentioned (and certainly in the case I'm thinking of, it would have led to anger and frustration and kicked the self esteem down several notches - but as I alluded to earlier, no one needs me to point out different children are different) I'm presuming the answer to that is 'no.'

So why defend it? I wouldn't chuck a toy in the bin! I would not hit, or shake or slap or call a child a 'fucking idiot'. Why make out 'well there's nothing else you can do, if they have autism - toy in the bin or the highway' sort of answer?

As to what I would do - well, removing the toy and chucking it wouldn't help, would it? :)

If what you're trying to do is educate me on how extreme children with autism can be with their behaviour - don't worry. I know all well, trust me.

I also know the worst thing you can do is treat them like they're rubbish.

Toounhappynow · 26/03/2016 12:33

Stop judging and offer to help. Or keep out of it. Are your kids the same age? Could you have one or two over to play?

You have no idea how relentless, lonely and hard it is to parent a child with SN. Discipline doesn't work in the same way it does for NT children. The amount of fucking people who told me they wouldn't put up with DS1 behaviour at their house/had I tried a sticker chart/time out??? Blah blah blah.

Oh god, the judging is tiresome.

2boysnamedR · 26/03/2016 12:34

It's a life sentence of being judged too. It's not a job anyone would willing take on but at the same time it's a job you would never relinquish

Toounhappynow · 26/03/2016 12:35

Oh, and can you suggest she stops talking to you as you are internally judging so much you need to write about it on a national forum. Because sometimes I am desperate to talk to people about how hard things are but don't. Precisely because of people like you

ilovevegcrisps · 26/03/2016 12:37

Oh, I think we can all understand a moment of anger / frustration and doing something you maybe bitterly regret later, throwing a toy away, shouting, smacking.

I wouldn't ever judge anyone for losing their patience heaven knows I've done it myself

But, I do think it's OK to be shocked at parenting 'methods' that can cause harm and humiliation, hurt and upset, to a child - particularly a vulnerable one.

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 12:37

no I'm always on the look out for tips.

I'm wondering if there is one parent with an autistic child reading this thread who doesn't understand why the mother did what she did.

Chickenrunchicken · 26/03/2016 12:38

I actually feel for the mum. She must have reached the end of her tether. I haven't ever thrown toys in the bin but I've confiscated them and I've threatened it if they won't stop doing something specific with said toy i.e. Bashing the wall with a toy wooden hammer over and over on different days despite being asked multiple times not to. I couldn't throw a bedtime toy away as my children won't sleep without them but this child can't be that attached to it if she hasn't noticed.

It sounds like a case of 'desperate times = desperate measures', and all of us have been there I should think when parenting a challenging child or a child with additional needs.

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